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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ghosted someone… should I get in contact?

125 replies

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 19:21

I feel like I’m being stupid even considering this but it’s been niggling me the last few months so I thought I’d get advice.

A few years ago at the beginning of lockdown I decided to join tinder. I got chatting to lots of different people but as nobody could meet up it got stale quickly.

There was one man in particular that I really got to know. For about seven months we called and video chatted throughout the day. Neither of us were working so obviously plenty of spare time. He was very keen to meet up. There was a lot I liked about him… and a few things I wasn’t so keen on. In the end I went through a bit of a depressive state (I really struggled with lockdown) and I made the shitty decision to ghost him. He tried to get in touch a few times. Asking if he’d done or said something to upset me, sending a Christmas card meme later in the year etc and I ignored them all.

We still follow each other on Instagram and I have noticed he still watches all my stories. From what I can gather he doesn’t seem to be seeing anyone. The only people who ever engage with his posts are family members and he seems to live quite an isolated life.

I really really want to send him a message but I have no idea how it would be received. Truthfully I was interested in meeting him but covid made it seem impossible and I had a few doubts that due to not being able to meet felt bigger over time.

Do I message? Is this a stupid idea and I need some sense talking into me!? I feel like the latter may be the right answer there!

OP posts:
Lockupyourbiscuits · 14/03/2024 08:56

Don’t do it
like the poster above said leave him alone

you also don’t need to feel guilty anymore just don’t ghost someone again because it’s not nice and you don’t like the guilt

move on

AliceA2021 · 14/03/2024 08:59

Leave him alone. Poor chap.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 14/03/2024 09:02

TBH I just feel this is all a bit weird.

You say you ghosted him but it sounds like your still kind of stalking each other on social media.
You talked during lockdown for hours - but during a period when both of you had nothing better to do.
He lives four hours away.
You don't even know why you think you may want to contact him again.
Its been years since you last spoke.
It doesn't sound lie you actually want a relationship with this guy anyway.

Honestly I just dont see the point of contacting him. I would be unfollowing on social media and trying to put the experience behind you.

Dery · 14/03/2024 09:21

Based on your update - no, don’t get back in touch. You don’t want a relationship with this guy and his attitude to women and their body size makes him sound like a bit of a prick who thinks he’s God’s gift, to be honest. The truth is you ghosted him because you went off him, not because of something in you. I don’t think having you get back in touch to say sorry will mean much to him, especially if you’re not looking for anything more. Is it really kinder to now say to this man, “I’m sorry for how I treated you but - just in case you’re wondering - I don’t want us to go back to where we were”. Ghosting is a lazy form of communication but it is a form of communication. It’s done. Just leave it. And probably best to stop following him on SM.

Original poster
Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 14/03/2024 09:26

I’m not going to message him. There isn’t a way of wording it that doesn’t sound arrogant and it’s probably true that I’m arrogant thinking it would even matter!

OP posts:
yousexybugger · 14/03/2024 09:27

No way. he doesn't sound nice.

He admitted he will use larger women for sex but they're not good enough to date? Plus he was entitled with your time and ignored your signals because he was at a loose end?

I think your initial doubts served you well.

Again, you hadn't met. This happens. Chats fade out.

You hadn't broken any promises so stop feeling guilty. He shouldn't have invested so much time on the phone to a stranger.

I'm not even sure this is ghosting tbh.

For me that becomes shitty if you've met or have a date arranged. Not if you're just chatting.

Just leave it. He didn't make you feel good.

It would be very odd to apologise now after he said and did some quite unpleasant things (not saying he can't have a physical preference. It's just a gross way to express it. I would have stopped talking to him at that even if I was a size six. I'm not.).

What's really going on- bored? Recent break up?

NeurodivergentBurnout · 14/03/2024 09:46

Did you ever actually meet him? Honestly, the whole dynamic sounds toxic. Based on your update, it sounds like it was very intense, initially it can be very stimulating to have that kind of attention but it can get to
the point of feeling suffocating. I imagine you could only ghost him because he wouldn’t take hints about you needing space? This sounds like a a bad habit you managed to kick, but you’re craving it now! Like you quite smoking cold turkey and now you’re craving a cigarette.
I’d suggest the opposite of contacting him - I would delete him off social media. Leave it in the past, no good can come of contacting him again.

Original poster
Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 17:06

I actually have an update for this… and it’s not a positive one. It’s actually really upset me. All I can say is it’s probably karma!

Ok so it’s still been niggling at me since I started the thread. I realised that I was potentially interested. By interested I mean I would have liked to maybe meet him for a drink.
So this was the message exchange. Please don’t judge me… My gut was telling me not to reply after the first response but as I’d started it I wanted to follow it through.

Me; Hi, I apologise if this is weird and I’m sorry for disappearing before. I just wanted to say that I am still interested in getting to know you. No worries at all if you’re not! I won’t be offended at being ignored but on the off chance my mobile number is…

Him; It’s ok, life happens

Me; I have no idea whether I’m supposed to reply or whether it’s a polite brush off.

Him; It’s not a polite brush off.

Me; Well you know where I am

And silence.

This was yesterday. He hasn’t unfollowed me on Instagram or blocked me. It’s weirding me out. Surely after this you’d unfollow the other person. I feel like the brush off message was pointed in some way but I can’t quite place why!

OP posts:
Findwen · 02/05/2024 17:38

Honestly, I think if you want it - then you need to put a lot more effort in.

"Me; Well you know where I am"

Is very lacklustre and somewhat "Now do the work and chase me" and can easily be read in a dismissive, unwelcoming tone. In your opening post you said he was keen to meet up, maybe invite just him out somewhere ?

Gemzee · 02/05/2024 17:39

When he said it wasn't a brush off you should have carried on the conversation "how are you" etc etc.

IceCreamWoes · 02/05/2024 17:43

Gemzee · 02/05/2024 17:39

When he said it wasn't a brush off you should have carried on the conversation "how are you" etc etc.

But he is saying it's not a "polite" brush off, so an impolite one. I think you probably should have explained why you ghosted before like you explained to us. If someone popped up months/years later and didn't explain what happened, I'd not be so inclined to forgive

TheCadoganArms · 02/05/2024 17:49

Be honest with yourself insofar as what do you want from this. Are you contacting him just to absolve your guilt before you dissappear again? Do you want to be friends only or are you angling for something a bit more?? Just don't dick him about, I think he deserves that much.

Gemzee · 02/05/2024 18:06

IceCreamWoes · 02/05/2024 17:43

But he is saying it's not a "polite" brush off, so an impolite one. I think you probably should have explained why you ghosted before like you explained to us. If someone popped up months/years later and didn't explain what happened, I'd not be so inclined to forgive

Show quote history

Oh, I read it as him saying "I'm not giving you polite brush off", as in he's not brushing her off.

Bettedaviseyes111 · 02/05/2024 18:08

I would say no, leave him be, if you’ve hurt his feelings once don’t try and revisit that.

StarlightLime · 02/05/2024 18:09

It's not a brush off in the sense that he's not literally telling her to fuck off, but he clearly isn't interested in taking it any further.
To be fair, op really did just drop it in his lap and expect him to take it from there, which is a bit crap when she's the one who ghosted him in the first place.

Coconutter24 · 02/05/2024 18:14

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 17:06

I actually have an update for this… and it’s not a positive one. It’s actually really upset me. All I can say is it’s probably karma!

Ok so it’s still been niggling at me since I started the thread. I realised that I was potentially interested. By interested I mean I would have liked to maybe meet him for a drink.
So this was the message exchange. Please don’t judge me… My gut was telling me not to reply after the first response but as I’d started it I wanted to follow it through.

Me; Hi, I apologise if this is weird and I’m sorry for disappearing before. I just wanted to say that I am still interested in getting to know you. No worries at all if you’re not! I won’t be offended at being ignored but on the off chance my mobile number is…

Him; It’s ok, life happens

Me; I have no idea whether I’m supposed to reply or whether it’s a polite brush off.

Him; It’s not a polite brush off.

Me; Well you know where I am

And silence.

This was yesterday. He hasn’t unfollowed me on Instagram or blocked me. It’s weirding me out. Surely after this you’d unfollow the other person. I feel like the brush off message was pointed in some way but I can’t quite place why!

You just need to move on. He doesn’t sound interested in getting to know you from those messages.

Tara336 · 02/05/2024 18:14

Leave him alone, you didn't treat him well and it's not fair on him to suddenly pop up in his life again.

Starlightstarbright3 · 02/05/2024 18:14

Cherriesandstrawberries · 10/03/2024 21:30

I would do it. Just say ‘Hi, I really hope you’re well. I just thought I’d reach out and apologise for ghosting you, I was in a difficult place back then but it’s no excuse. I always wanted to tell you that’.

I think the fact that he still looks at your stories shows that he’s still interested in you is some form or another

This . Don’t put any expectations in there .

Be aware he might ignore you - tell you to fuck off or want an explanation . If you are prepared for all three then go for it .

Blahblahblah2 · 02/05/2024 18:19

His replies are ... fine? I'm not sure what you expected. He replied and was polite. But you need to put in more effort to engage with him, ask him how he is, explain why you went silent. You can't expect him to do all the work.

MyLovelyPurse · 02/05/2024 18:21

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 20:40

I was thinking of saying ‘hey, you’ve been on my mind a lot lately and I was wondering how you were?’

I don’t know! Does that sound ok? The worst that can happen is he blocks me I guess.

This is a terrible thing to say. It’s like gaslighting as it ignores what you did. You can’t pretend that you didn’t ghost him. Any self respecting man would find it really odd if you didn’t start with a full and honest explanation for your behaviour. Can you not imagine how you would feel in his position?

Get in touch with him if you have fully taken on board how ghosting would have felt for him, if you are prepared to apologise and willing to explain why you did it and if you really do want to get to know him, not just because you are bored and lonely now.

Whoknewitwasthishard · 02/05/2024 18:26

Just apologise to him
For the dreadful way that you treated him and move on .

Poor man deserves better , hopefully he has found someone lovely who treats him with respect .

I hate people who ghost F' NG cruel in my opinion , no excuse ever
Self-centered, heartless and cruel

Find some humility leave him alone

Bunnyhair · 02/05/2024 18:31

Just leave it. Honestly. Stop angsting and worrying and fretting and overanalysing and over interpreting and move on with your life. You don’t know this person. He’s just a receptacle for your ruminations and projections at this point.

LittleMonks11 · 02/05/2024 18:43

I don't like the sound of him. Run for the hills!

What sort of guy tells someone he's interested in that he doesn't think overweight women worthy of a relationship?

He also wax a bit stalkerish during lockdown by the sounds of it.

And still looks at your stories on Instagram. You gave to go out of your way to view stories.

I feel like he's now going to start playing games with you.

RedHelenB · 02/05/2024 18:47

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 21:06

Ok heard loud and clear! Bad idea!

Thank you for talking some sense into me!

I don't think it's a bad idea to apologise if you feel you've treated him shabbily.

SeismicSalad · 02/05/2024 18:52

Findwen · 02/05/2024 17:38

Honestly, I think if you want it - then you need to put a lot more effort in.

"Me; Well you know where I am"

Is very lacklustre and somewhat "Now do the work and chase me" and can easily be read in a dismissive, unwelcoming tone. In your opening post you said he was keen to meet up, maybe invite just him out somewhere ?

Exactly. His replies seem totally reasonable to me. You seem to expect him to do all the work here? You haven’t even given any explanation or a heartfelt apology for what you did last time. He sounds remarkably open to hearing you out in the circumstances but (rightly) not prepared to be the one that has to put the effort in at this point.