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Original poster

I ghosted someone… should I get in contact?

125 replies

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 19:21

I feel like I’m being stupid even considering this but it’s been niggling me the last few months so I thought I’d get advice.

A few years ago at the beginning of lockdown I decided to join tinder. I got chatting to lots of different people but as nobody could meet up it got stale quickly.

There was one man in particular that I really got to know. For about seven months we called and video chatted throughout the day. Neither of us were working so obviously plenty of spare time. He was very keen to meet up. There was a lot I liked about him… and a few things I wasn’t so keen on. In the end I went through a bit of a depressive state (I really struggled with lockdown) and I made the shitty decision to ghost him. He tried to get in touch a few times. Asking if he’d done or said something to upset me, sending a Christmas card meme later in the year etc and I ignored them all.

We still follow each other on Instagram and I have noticed he still watches all my stories. From what I can gather he doesn’t seem to be seeing anyone. The only people who ever engage with his posts are family members and he seems to live quite an isolated life.

I really really want to send him a message but I have no idea how it would be received. Truthfully I was interested in meeting him but covid made it seem impossible and I had a few doubts that due to not being able to meet felt bigger over time.

Do I message? Is this a stupid idea and I need some sense talking into me!? I feel like the latter may be the right answer there!

OP posts:
Mostlyoblivious · 02/05/2024 23:26

I agree with another poster - he said it wasn’t a brush off and you said you know where to find me. He’s already done running to no response, it’s your turn to open up the convo now, not tell him to do some running again ( I imagine it’s not on purpose, just shyness) - ask him how life has been for him and if he ignores then we’ll call it even and chalk it up to experience

Deathbyfluffy · 02/05/2024 23:26

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 23:07

I also really don’t think messaging him again is a good idea! I don’t want to harass him!

I’m glad in a way that at least I know the outcome of this. He’s not interested.
I wasn’t being really honest with myself though. I really hoped he would be interested. A few people asked what I hoped I’d get out of this… the chance to go back and change things. I always felt like we’d have got on if we got the chance to meet. I wanted a shot at that chance.

You lost your shot at that when you ghosted a person you’d been speaking to daily and who had clearly invested a lot of time in you.

Plus, your messages when you got back in touch are pretty uninteresting and one-liney - you didn’t ask him anything he can really reply to and sound like you’re just trying to make yourself feel better.

Leave him to find someone who isn’t flaky and who will put the effort in, IMO.
Sorry, but this does smack of karma as I’m willing to bet he was pretty upset when you fell off the face of the earth and ignored all his efforts to communicate - a quick message back then explaining your situation would have taken 15 seconds but you couldn’t even be bothered to do that.

taylorswift1989 · 02/05/2024 23:35

Wait. You were talking with him 9 hours a day? 9 hours?? But you'd never met in real life?

Honestly OP why would you want to be back in touch with him? You have a spare 9 hours every day to fill?

No one emotionally healthy spends 9 hours a day talking and messaging someone they've never met. Not to mention that you felt suffocated and it was all too much for you.

What's going on in your life that you would even entertain this person?

Original poster
Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 23:36

I’m still not sure how to read the ‘it’s not a polite brush off’ message. It feels barbed to me and I don’t think it’s what it seems.

I am going to leave him alone. I know I did a shitty thing. I was in my mid twenties, single after a long relationship, trying to handle two children with disabilities and struggling massively with lockdown. The eating disorder I’ve struggled with throughout my teenage years came back and he wasn’t to know but he was triggering me. He was very weight focused. He made it a point to frequently talk about how he didn’t find overweight women attractive but I didn’t need to worry because I was ‘lovely and slim’. I should never have ghosted him. He invested a huge amount of time and energy in me but I was breaking.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 02/05/2024 23:38

Massive drip feed OP!

Yeah leave it now.

yousexybugger · 02/05/2024 23:39

Yes you should have stopped speaking to him when you did because you'd never met and the weight thing was crass and made you feel bad. Why contact him? Don't do it again, he's not the one for you.

taylorswift1989 · 02/05/2024 23:43

OP block this guy's number. He triggers you, he made you feel suffocated, he expected to talk 9 hours a day - why would you want to invite this person back into your life? I dont understand. It feels like a kind of self harm.

Yes okay don't ghost people but if you hadn't even met him in real life I don't see the big deal, really. I usually try to say a polite 'not really feeling it' but if you'd done that he probably would have wanted to talk you out of it for 9 hours.

You're so much better off without this one.

Disturbia81 · 02/05/2024 23:45

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 23:36

I’m still not sure how to read the ‘it’s not a polite brush off’ message. It feels barbed to me and I don’t think it’s what it seems.

I am going to leave him alone. I know I did a shitty thing. I was in my mid twenties, single after a long relationship, trying to handle two children with disabilities and struggling massively with lockdown. The eating disorder I’ve struggled with throughout my teenage years came back and he wasn’t to know but he was triggering me. He was very weight focused. He made it a point to frequently talk about how he didn’t find overweight women attractive but I didn’t need to worry because I was ‘lovely and slim’. I should never have ghosted him. He invested a huge amount of time and energy in me but I was breaking.

You have dodged a bullet! You would have always felt insecure around him, never felt comfortable eating around him. The best relationships I've had have been with men who genuinely don't care.

C2190 · 02/05/2024 23:49

"Hey I fucked off a few years ago with no explanation but I am still interested in getting to know you!"

C'mon, you can do better than that.

C2190 · 02/05/2024 23:52

Wait. Erase my last message. After reading a few more comments, you should definitely not be in contact with this guy. Delete his Instagram etc and move on. Find someone who will appreciate you for who you are, not because he thinks you're "nice and slim"

CatAndHisKit · 03/05/2024 02:01

I think he meant 'it's not a POLITE brush-off' i.e. yes, life happens but I'm not interested now (or read it as an impolite version).

But whether he's a good guy or not (and sounds questionable) your message was no way apologetic enough, OP, if you wanted to pick up where you've left off and immediately shown your interest in getting to know him more - it's not arrogant to apologise for ghosting as you suggested, you could have said that you felt bad about it since even tough you expect he's moved on, it's not about assuming him to still be devastated, it's about the ghosting and apologising for that as he must have been upset at the time, having tried to contact you.

bradpittsbathwater · 03/05/2024 03:31

It's been years. I'm he's not interested now which is understandable

MariaVT65 · 03/05/2024 03:49

Sorry op you sound like a massive tool.

That was a really poor message you sent him. You didn’t even bother to ask how he is doing. The ‘well you know where i am’ is also awful.

Just leave it now and please get some therapy to talk through your issues. You’re not acting your age.

category12 · 03/05/2024 05:55

If he was triggering your ED back then, he would most likely trigger your ED now.

It doesn't make sense to go back there, a bit self-destructive, don't you think?

Onelifeonly · 03/05/2024 06:25

Well first of all, he doesn't actually sound great. Harping on about overweight women and calling you for hours on end sounds insensitive, even considering it was lock down. Also, if you didn't like that at the time, you should have been able to end the calls, so that sounds like you have trouble asserting boundaries. (Which is why you ghosted maybe - it is often a cop out for someone who fears being direct)

Secondly after several years, you can't seriously expect him to be in the same place regarding you as you are with him. Why would he not have moved on long ago? Maybe he doesn't have a partner or maybe he hasn't announced it on social media, but it's unlikely he wants to come back into your life just because you've started thinking about him again.

And in any case I totally read your message exchange as him brushing you off. If he was pleased to hear from you, he'd have said more than "that's ok, life happens". I read the "it's not a polite brush off" as it is a brush off and he's not being polite about it. Again, he would have said something more friendly if he was happy to hear from you, like "I'm not brushing you off but I'm surprised to hear from you. How are you?"

If a man is interested, they generally make it clear - and you already know he's not someone who hangs back.

Painful as it might be, I think you have your answer. I'd remove him from your social media tbh, and move on.

Roundandroundthegard3n · 03/05/2024 06:36

You were absolutely mad to message him. He sounds like a right twat with his attitude towards women's weight and keeping you on the phone for hours and to be honest you are coming across as flaky and indecisive - even on this thread you were flip flopping between messaging him and not messaging before you then sent him a very vague message that didn't communicate your intentions at all. If you were talking on the phone for hours past the time that you wanted to be, you need to work on your assertiveness and boundaries. Sounds like your gut was screaming at you back then not to pursue anything with him so god knows why you thought it would be a good idea to go back.

This guy is bad news. He kept you on the phone for hours and hours and you let him, having not even met him. You have two disabled children you don't need a man who takes more than his fair share of your energy. Unfollow him on social media, do not pursue a relationship with this man. He's a walking red flag. And work on your boundaries - you shouldn't have messaged him.

supercali77 · 03/05/2024 07:15

Irrespective of his weight views.

That was a really bad message, I understand what you're trying to say about not wanting to come across as arrogant but it's a brief 'sorry' and then you're interested in getting to know him again?? There's no reason given, no interest in him, no inquiry into how his life is. It comes across as completely self involved.

Also, ironic that your major problem with messaging originally was 'I’m scared of being ignored.'

As for watching stories, I accidentally watch quite a few stories of people I don't speak to any more because once you open a story it automatically goes to the next person's story on your ig...there's no great import there

Bunnyhair · 03/05/2024 07:23

Leave It. Just leave it. Your preoccupation with this person is a form of self harm. Seek support.

LittleMonks11 · 03/05/2024 08:04

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 23:36

I’m still not sure how to read the ‘it’s not a polite brush off’ message. It feels barbed to me and I don’t think it’s what it seems.

I am going to leave him alone. I know I did a shitty thing. I was in my mid twenties, single after a long relationship, trying to handle two children with disabilities and struggling massively with lockdown. The eating disorder I’ve struggled with throughout my teenage years came back and he wasn’t to know but he was triggering me. He was very weight focused. He made it a point to frequently talk about how he didn’t find overweight women attractive but I didn’t need to worry because I was ‘lovely and slim’. I should never have ghosted him. He invested a huge amount of time and energy in me but I was breaking.

Delete, delete, delete! This man and your mithering about him is not good for you!

yousexybugger · 03/05/2024 08:25

Well yes, two separate points, terrible message, terrible communication, even if he was a lovely man, what was he supposed to say to that?

And the fact he isn't a lovely man (despite being allowed a type, it's how you express it and treat those you don't fancy, not as good enough for casual sex and no more). You should have dropped him sooner.

Zanatdy · 03/05/2024 08:35

You could have at least have kept your message to ‘I just wanted to apologise for ending our friendship (whatever it was) the way I did, lockdown wasn’t a good time for me, it’s not my style to ghost people and I feel like I owe you an apology’. Your message sounds like you’re bored and want to pick him up again. Don’t message him again, the ball is in his court is he wants to start things up again. Given he lives 4hrs away and there’s issues that will trigger you, I don’t think it was sensible to get back in touch.

RedMark · 03/05/2024 09:18

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 02/05/2024 23:36

I’m still not sure how to read the ‘it’s not a polite brush off’ message. It feels barbed to me and I don’t think it’s what it seems.

I am going to leave him alone. I know I did a shitty thing. I was in my mid twenties, single after a long relationship, trying to handle two children with disabilities and struggling massively with lockdown. The eating disorder I’ve struggled with throughout my teenage years came back and he wasn’t to know but he was triggering me. He was very weight focused. He made it a point to frequently talk about how he didn’t find overweight women attractive but I didn’t need to worry because I was ‘lovely and slim’. I should never have ghosted him. He invested a huge amount of time and energy in me but I was breaking.

Jeez, op. This is a massive drip feed. From the sounds of it, it was your instinct telling you to ditch him. He sounds horrible. Don't go back, for your own sake.

yousexybugger · 03/05/2024 10:29

RedMark · 03/05/2024 09:18

Jeez, op. This is a massive drip feed. From the sounds of it, it was your instinct telling you to ditch him. He sounds horrible. Don't go back, for your own sake.

Show quote history

It isn't, tbf, it was in earlier posts

K8ate · 03/05/2024 17:30

No, not unless you have any interest in taking the friendship / relationship any further.
It may drag up unnecessary negative feelings for him or make him feel you may be interested in him (when you are not).

Cryingout1994 · 15/07/2024 16:37

I think what he meant by "its not a polite brush off" is just that.

it's a impolite brush off, Aka fuck off

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