Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ghosted someone… should I get in contact?

125 replies

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 19:21

I feel like I’m being stupid even considering this but it’s been niggling me the last few months so I thought I’d get advice.

A few years ago at the beginning of lockdown I decided to join tinder. I got chatting to lots of different people but as nobody could meet up it got stale quickly.

There was one man in particular that I really got to know. For about seven months we called and video chatted throughout the day. Neither of us were working so obviously plenty of spare time. He was very keen to meet up. There was a lot I liked about him… and a few things I wasn’t so keen on. In the end I went through a bit of a depressive state (I really struggled with lockdown) and I made the shitty decision to ghost him. He tried to get in touch a few times. Asking if he’d done or said something to upset me, sending a Christmas card meme later in the year etc and I ignored them all.

We still follow each other on Instagram and I have noticed he still watches all my stories. From what I can gather he doesn’t seem to be seeing anyone. The only people who ever engage with his posts are family members and he seems to live quite an isolated life.

I really really want to send him a message but I have no idea how it would be received. Truthfully I was interested in meeting him but covid made it seem impossible and I had a few doubts that due to not being able to meet felt bigger over time.

Do I message? Is this a stupid idea and I need some sense talking into me!? I feel like the latter may be the right answer there!

OP posts:
Runninghappy · 10/03/2024 22:04

I think you should apologise but put aside any expectations of a response as expecting a response makes it about you and your needs and not his. I did online dating for years and people treating you like this does make you question yourself so I would appreciate the apology and explanation as the person receiving it, but it should come from a place of you wanting to apologise to him and not for him to ease your conscience if that makes any sense!

yousexybugger · 10/03/2024 22:17

Well do you actually want to meet him? What about the physical preference issue if so?

It wasn't normal times. I'm sure neither of you would have invested nine hours a day in a stranger ordinarily, would you? I imagine he has chalked it up to strange a lockdown situation, a bit of company, and moved on. Remember, you never met. In online dating, chats fizzle all the time.

If you get back in touch, he may want to meet and expect that's your intention unless you make it clear it isn't. If you're still concerned you're not his type wouldn't that still stand? I'd personally leave well enough alone. You had your doubts based on something he said and it was still not in person, despite a lot of time invested. It maybe not your finest hour but think about next steps if he wants to revive things.

Roryhon · 10/03/2024 22:30

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 20:40

I was thinking of saying ‘hey, you’ve been on my mind a lot lately and I was wondering how you were?’

I don’t know! Does that sound ok? The worst that can happen is he blocks me I guess.

Definitely not just this! I think you should message him. Say you’re not expecting him to reply, but you want to apologise for treating him so poorly. Say you were struggling with lockdown at that time and weren’t yourself. Say that you thought he was a nice guy and didn’t deserve that. Then leave the ball in his court. If he wants to pick it up again he can. But don’t hold your breath!

Fiery30 · 10/03/2024 22:32

If nothing else, as you have the realisation now, you could send him an apology message. As someone who has been ghosted in the past, it is extremely hurtful. So at least you can show some remorse for your behaviour.

Original poster
Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 22:35

I will message but I’ll do it tomorrow morning before I go out for the day. If I do it now I’ll look drunk. Also tomorrow I’ll have the added benefit of being distracted so if I’m ignored (or told to fuck off) I won’t notice as much.

OP posts:
PleaseBeHappier · 10/03/2024 22:36

I hope this has a really happy ending! Don't over think it too much just drop him a line. He's a bloke, he won't analyse it anywhere near the level a woman would!

Poppyzo · 11/03/2024 12:01

I think it’s a nice idea for you. But if it turns out you don’t like him your at risk of hurting him again…,

Opentooffers · 11/03/2024 13:13

I suspect that if you were both video calling for 9 hours/day, then his MH is not in a good place either. It looks like you both have issues which can be a recipie for a terrible relationship. It helps if at least one person in the relationship can see the wood for the trees and then maybe there's hope of the other developing more healthily through them, but 2 people with similar issues? - obsessive tendencies given the intensity.

I think out of the 2 of you, deep down you saw first that it was becoming unhealthy and you knew that cold turkey was the way to pull yourself out of your situation, and since then things have improved for you. You did what you needed to do at the time as his prescriptive ideas on what is attractive, were having a detrimental affect on your MH. So you actually enacted some, self-preservation there.

It might help if you sought some therapy, if you still have tendencies to measure yourself based on what one man says they like. Recognise that people often find themselves attracted to people who on paper they would of said is not their ideal type - so it's a bit dumb of him to express a type, especially if that's not you, given that he'd seen a lot of you on video.
Overall, probably best for you to put this in the past and leave it. It's odd that after all this time you haven't, about as odd that he's still watching your insta. If you feel your MH is continuing on an upwards trend, getting back in touch could set you back. Are you strong enough now to cope with either some anger back from him or just ignoring you in response? Do you need that ?

TuliLily · 11/03/2024 13:28

Looks like you’ve decided to do it but I will leave it personally lock down was years ago and you didn’t even meet up, sounds like you want to do it to ease your own guilt!

yousexybugger · 11/03/2024 13:48

Also can I ask why it threatened to upset you so much that you weren't his usual type? Was it to do with some attribute that can involve a value judgement such as size or weight, or something like race that carries more significance than just liking tall brunettes? I agree with a PP that you may have made the right decision even if you didn't extricate yourself in the most tactful way.

Lighteningstrikes · 11/03/2024 16:35

Blocking some is quite severe and final.

What were you doubts about him?

Whatever your doubts about him were, they’ll still very likely be there, so why waste his time and upset him again?

ToastedTCake · 11/03/2024 18:24

I'd send him an apology and see what happens. He may just ghost you back!

Indifferentchickenwings · 11/03/2024 18:29

You could apologise
say I’m sorry for ghosting it was a shitty thing but my mental health was in the floor and that time that’s all I could do

but have no expectations other than apologising

PleaseBeHappier · 14/03/2024 06:03

Well did you?!

Givemegoldensun · 14/03/2024 06:30

I met someone in the summer of 2020. We are now married with an eight month old baby. Hopefully that gives you a little bit of perspective. It has been four years… I think it is quite arrogant to assume that just because he isn’t particularly popular on social media he hasn’t moved on.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 14/03/2024 07:07

Hatty65 · 10/03/2024 20:52

I wouldn't. I've had a couple of people ghost me in the past and if any of them got in touch, what, 3 years later? I'd be really pissed off.

This man sounded really decent - checked a couple of times to ask if he'd upset you. Sent a Christmas Card. Eventually accepted that you were just repeatedly ignoring him, which is hurtful and rude.

It screams of arrogance. That you basically believe you can treat someone like shit and then pop up when it suits you, saying, 'Hey - how you doing?' and they might be pleased to hear from you. I'd never, ever believe the person wasn't going to behave like that again.

This. Leave the poor man alone. You had your chance and you blew it. Learn from this and move on

Treezylover · 14/03/2024 07:13

I would absolutely message. People do shitty things, it’s human. And you’re not the only person in the world to have made bad decisions in poor mental health during an apocalyptic time in the world.

He will have been hurt, because it was poor behaviour and nobody likes to be on the receiving end of that, I don’t think it’s arrogant to acknowledge. But you have to do it knowing that if he does choose to ignore it, it’s on you to accept the pain that will cause you.

but I wouldn’t send what you suggested. I’d lead with taking full accountability of your behaviour, and an apology, and zero expectation.

bradpittsbathwater · 14/03/2024 07:16

Wow you dropped him like a piece of rubbish and now want to pick things up again 4 years later. I'd tell you to F off.

bradpittsbathwater · 14/03/2024 07:17

What's to say you won't do it again when the mood strikes?

Littlestmomo · 14/03/2024 08:05

I’d be extremely peeved if it took someone 3 years to deign me worthy enough for an apology message. I would rather they didn’t bother to contact at all again after such a long time. You ghosted the poor bloke, leave him be. Personally, it would make me feel like I was second choice, they were bored and it didn’t pan out with other people so they decided to try and hook up again

Notamum12345577 · 14/03/2024 08:09

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 22:35

I will message but I’ll do it tomorrow morning before I go out for the day. If I do it now I’ll look drunk. Also tomorrow I’ll have the added benefit of being distracted so if I’m ignored (or told to fuck off) I won’t notice as much.

Did you message then?

gannett · 14/03/2024 08:20

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 21:51

Truthfully I’m not totally sure why I want to do it. I do want to apologise. I went from speaking to him over the phone/video calls 9 hours a day to nothing. I feel a pang of guilt whenever he pops up on social media. I know I would have been hurt if somebody did that to me.

I can’t say I wouldn’t care though if he didn’t respond and that’s what’s stopping me from doing it. He lives four hours away, it’s not like I’m ever going to see him around and yet I’m scared of being ignored.

Tbh it sounds more like you're bored and guilty in a very self-centred way, not that you actually care about him and want to give a serious relationship a go.

His online presence reminds you of a time you behaved shittily and you want him to absolve you and reassure you that you're OK. You think that because he seems lonely and still seems to be into you enough to view your stories, he might be enough of a mug to do this. If he does, I'm fairly certain you'll get bored and drop him again in a few months.

I would advise blocking him, not messaging him. For both of your sakes.

Original poster
Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 14/03/2024 08:40

I haven’t done it. I still want to but every time I go to send the message I just can’t.

I’m not worried about being ghosted. I’d prefer to not be told to fuck off.. as would everyone I presume but I could handle it. What worries me is the ‘what if he starts talking to me again’.

The reason I ghosted last time was he became a bit much. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He’d call, I’d struggle to get off the phone for two hours, I’d finally get off the call and an hour later he’d be calling/video calling/texting again.

Weirdly I don’t think he would have been like that in ‘normal times’. It didn’t feel controlling. It felt like somebody who’d had a busy career before suddenly find themselves with all the time in the world and nothing to do.

I think if I’d have come across him in normalcy I would have met him and it could have worked. There was a lot I liked about him. Truthfully, probably due to not being able to meet and see the person as a whole, the bad points kept circling in my head and I got the ‘ick’.

The other thing that put me off was his preference to not date women who were overweight. He’d sleep with them, just not enter a relationship with them.
I’ll be the first to admit my weight fluctuates. When I came across him I had recently lost a lot of weight but I also have a tendency to put weight on. I genuinely became concerned that if I ever got bigger than he could tolerate I’d be downgraded from girlfriend to fwb!

OP posts:
Picklestop · 14/03/2024 08:44

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 10/03/2024 21:24

I’m not sure how I’d word it. I really wouldn’t want it to sound like I’m arrogant enough to think he’s been thinking about me all this time.

Maybe it’s better to leave sleeping dogs lie. I also don’t have his number anymore so I’d have to do it through Instagram and I’d know if he chose to ignore it.

It is going to sound arrogant no matter how you word it. Because it is arrogant of you to think he has the slightest interest in hearing from you again. Leave him alone.

gannett · 14/03/2024 08:52

Tattooedcoffeeaddict · 14/03/2024 08:40

I haven’t done it. I still want to but every time I go to send the message I just can’t.

I’m not worried about being ghosted. I’d prefer to not be told to fuck off.. as would everyone I presume but I could handle it. What worries me is the ‘what if he starts talking to me again’.

The reason I ghosted last time was he became a bit much. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He’d call, I’d struggle to get off the phone for two hours, I’d finally get off the call and an hour later he’d be calling/video calling/texting again.

Weirdly I don’t think he would have been like that in ‘normal times’. It didn’t feel controlling. It felt like somebody who’d had a busy career before suddenly find themselves with all the time in the world and nothing to do.

I think if I’d have come across him in normalcy I would have met him and it could have worked. There was a lot I liked about him. Truthfully, probably due to not being able to meet and see the person as a whole, the bad points kept circling in my head and I got the ‘ick’.

The other thing that put me off was his preference to not date women who were overweight. He’d sleep with them, just not enter a relationship with them.
I’ll be the first to admit my weight fluctuates. When I came across him I had recently lost a lot of weight but I also have a tendency to put weight on. I genuinely became concerned that if I ever got bigger than he could tolerate I’d be downgraded from girlfriend to fwb!

You don't even like him FFS. You got the ick and you actively DON'T want him to start talking to you.

You just want him to absolve the guilt you (rightly) feel. Leave him alone!