Dating thread 246 - Spring Dating

[SamW98]

Continued from 245….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@blacksocks33 sounds very promising and yes, like he didn't want to risk the nice rapport you'd both established by going in for a kiss - and he messaged you afterwards too which is also positive. He sounds lovely, just might be a bit shy, as others have said.

@Holibobby I think you're wise to discuss this face-to-face. Was he aware that you'd seen his Hinge notification?

@Chocolatefreak he really does seem like such a lovely person. Very easy to talk to, great values, he seems like his own person with his own interests and life. I feel like I can be myself around him.
My only worry in the situation is going into the friend zone territory! But I do think he's quite shy... problem is.... so am I 😂😂😂

@blacksocks33 it can be awkward with the physical stuff. I've had dates lean in for a hug sometimes at the end that freaked me out! Then once I tried to hug one at the end who had hugged.me at the start and he seemed to flinch at that! It's a total minefield!

@Pepsimaxedout hahaha yes, it's super awkward isn't it!!!
He has hugged on both occasions, which is absolutely fine, but I find the whole ending very, very awkward both times!
I'm new to the dating world, do people normally kiss by the second date 🙈😂

Same here about hardly fancying anyone 😁 I meet lots of people socially but never fancy them

Well I had one kiss at the end of the first date but he turned out to be a nightmare so I wouldn't use him as a positive example!

@blacksocks33 in my last relationship we didn’t kiss until the 6th date 🙈 we both kept bottling it! In the end I had to send him a message asking if kissing on the 6th date was acceptable (asking for a friend) 😂 which broke the ice and then we didn’t stop snogging for about a year… it didn’t end particularly well, hence me being here 😂, so not sure if that’s a shining example but I guess what I’m saying is that if all his other actions are saying he is interested then don’t doubt it.

Hi all! Please can I join?

I recently met someone from Hinge and we had 7 dates over about 5 weeks. Last saw him last Sunday and then poooof, nothing! I was the last person to message (2 in a row - think I sent one on Monday and one on Tuesday). I have been well and truly ghosted. It's odd as on the Sunday we had a great time, so I thought, he was messaging me all of Sunday night when I got home, wanting to see me again etc. He's definitely alive has he's read my messages on WhatsApp.

Why is it so hard for these men to just be honest and say thanks but no thanks/they aren't feeling it etc? I went to his apartment and no signs of a partner. All very odd. I've spent a few days licking my wounds but want to get back out there - I really liked him (from what I knew of him in a short amount of time) so I am confident there will be someone else out there for me.

It really is a minefield!

@ouchitstings that's so awful. I'm so sorry. It's just the worst thing being ghosted especially if it's all seemingly going really well. What a fucking idiot.

Well done for getting back out there though. I do think that too though, that it is possible there is some one out there for me after date no 3 who I really quite liked.

@Chocolatefreak We we’re watching a film on his phone and he quickly flicked the notification off the screen so I’m sure he knows I seen it

It sucks so bad. What is wrong with these people that they don't have the decency to give you a heads up?

At least you know he would have impossible in an actual relationship, when you do have to discuss difficult issues from time to time.

Oh and further to our chats yesterday, 6 dating app users in California have filed a lawsuit again Match Group (Match, Tinder and Hinge) under consumer protection law.

@ouchitstings I really don't understand ghosting. We live in an age where you can literally just send someone a text message. How hard is it to text 'it was lovely knowing you, but I don't want to do this anymore. Thanks. Bye'.

Well I had a meeting with someone yesterday who I originally met on Bumble and got on great with but didn’t fancy. We have met 4 times since our initial date in September, always had a great time and spent at least 4 hours together at a time.

We never discussed anything about our date other than agreeing that we’d had fun and wanted to see each other again, which suited me because I didn’t fancy him. But I said to my friends that I wished I did as we get on great, have lots of things in common and he’s been single for a while so no rebound.

So yesterday I went over to him and he showed me round his town, art galleries and lunch, that’s usual for us, we both have a strong interest in art. But I don’t know if it’s because I’m off all the apps now but I definitely felt more of an attraction. I kissed him on the cheek as I left but that was it, and we’ve made plans for 4 weeks time as I have loads on with the kids (he has no kids although he wanted them, he is 51 now so not looking to have kids at his age).

We don’t usually message much between meeting up but I have made a bit more of an effort. I’m pretty sure that he is attracted to me but I don’t want to make a move and then realise that I’m not sure about things, I’m not looking for anything serious and we live 3 hours from each other (yesterday was a long day!)

Any advice? I still have a couple of FWB who I’m chatting to but no plans about when we’re seeing each other and not too fussed about it really, I have lots of plans for the next couple of weeks as it is.

Same - I always send a message if I’m not interested, usually saying that I don’t feel like we’re well suited or in one case when I thought he would be persistent that I was going to be too busy travelling with work to be able to have a relationship.

Re the app lawsuit, when I get home I’ll share a link to an article I read this morning on another group!

Interesting! I never knew attraction can develop that late, I mean for me with a couple of guys I didn’t fancy it was so clear it could never change I told them very early on, friendship only.
Could it be if you didn’t specify it straight away and were willing to meet up even though you live that far away you sensed deep inside there might be more to it?

I think go with the flow and don’t try to strategise or be too pragmatic about things, our feelings and how relationships form can be mysterious and make not much logical sense. If you feel like making more of an effort, do, and enjoy the chat for its own merit.

Thanks @RadiantRainbow me neither, but every time I met him I was literally saying that I wished I fancied him, I’m not sure if I’ve talked myself into it IYSWIM?
Upthread there was a discussion about men being put off by high earning senior women, which is me, but he’s senior in his industry and we don’t really talk about work much. My position doesn’t seem to bother him and I’m bi which again doesn’t faze him.
I just wonder if I’m confusing my feelings?

@Mountainormolehills

I doubt it’s possible to talk yourself into physical attraction, more like the potential for it might have been there from the start but your brain put a stop to it for whatever defensive reason and then loosened its grip as the relationship progressed so you were able to allow yourself to feel that potential.

Thinking am I confusing the feelings sounds like overthinking which never leads you anywhere fruitful…I would maybe tend to agree with confusing if you were absolutely starved for sex but it doesn’t sound like your situation 😉

Basically you could go with the flow and become a bit more flirty and try and have fun with it, see where it leads you… you don’t have much to lose?

Just curious, ladies (and gents) how long is it sensible to wait before doing the deed?

I think everyone will tell you there are no rules, each situation is different! I would say when you feel like you are dying to do it it’s time to do it, don’t let “sensible” be your guide in this case 😄

@RadiantRainbow definitely not sex starved 😂 or a lack of attention!
I’m 18 months out of my marriage which was financially and emotionally abusive and I also have childhood trauma which I have been working through for the past year with a fantastic therapist.
So I’m happy to keep concentrating on myself and my kids, but I have upped the communication already as normally I wouldn’t message after meeting but I have, and we’ve messaged today (nothing exciting!) but again I wouldn’t normally do that with him.

We’ve never had the ‘just friends’ chat but equally we’ve only ever hugged. I’ve definitely had my fingers burnt dating some absolute arseholes in the last 6 months so I’m being very cautious about giving up any heart space. Equally I met a wonderful woman who again I got on great with but no chemistry from my side so I told her immediately and we’ve stayed friends.

I feel so safe with him, I know that he would never do anything that I was unhappy with but again I’m not used to that, I am used to being charmed into doing things.

It has varied wildly for me, just whatever feels right!

it’s not just us saying this, article I read earlier on. Very insightful

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/16/opinion/dating-apps-hinge-tinder-bumble.html?unlocked_article_code=1.dE0.-kf-.hPIbqOyleMDB&smid=url-share&fbclid=IwAR3HuCQGug2sUqAgExQUgRh2BhQdVgDC0cY21qzQw4Zxstivgf1RKUP8VPg_aem_AVUWLInA_LazqNMzyL0MMmabXv21e7cEx3u-TsyKsYQjA7uKRIu4kloq1ccWimuN7iw

Everyone will be different. For me I would prefer to wait at least a week after meeting someone but no longer than a month.