Dating thread 246 - Spring Dating

[SamW98]

Continued from 245….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@friendswiththemonstera

I would find it very cringey but as you’ve had a couple of dates I would probably let it slide, go on another date and see how it feels face to face.

@SamW98 Yes that was my thinking. I knew he was drunk and I egged him on to message when he was drunk which is why I think in hindsight I bear responsibility here...and I think he is embarrassed this morning

@NervesOfCotton the phrase "That doesn't concern you" is so dismissive and patronising that it is a red flag in itself IMO

@friendswiththemonstera why can't we put a message out to all men, that women do not like receiving selfies of you in bed! Gross!

Or selfies laying on the bed with a tiny towel covering their bits.

Or selfies driving your car. Or topless plastering the wall. Or in a tight vest vest at the gym

In fact boys cut the random selfies out full stop

My ex used to send selfies all the time and I always found it so random. They never look good in them. I never send one back. Wtf are you doing lads

Also you might all appreciate this which I saw on reddit. Tagline is "when Bumble says you missed a potential match"

@friendswiththemonstera that's brilliant 🤣🤣

I was chatting to a man last year who on the first day we moved to WhatsApp sent me 4 selfies - in a morning!!!!

Another one sent me a photo at work and asked for one back. I replied I’m not taking a selfie in my office I’ll look a right twat - he said I was being rude and awkward. Ok then mate if you say so.

I dunno, I like the sound of pictures of men plastering walls 😆😆

@blacksocks33 I just wanted to say that I think I am feeling similar to you at the moment with the bloke I saw on Saturday.

I dunno if I gave him a name? I'll call him Mr D. Basically, he is doing everything right. Regular and consistent messages. But no too much. Taking the lead and arranging dates. Showing an interest in me but not in a suffocating way. I fancy him and I like him. We're on the same page with the kind of relationship we are looking for. He's dropping hints he fancies me but he's not being sexual.

But I am FREAKING OUT!!!! I've already done a LOT of work on codependency. I know I have previously never had examples of a healthy and normal relationship. I obviously still have work to do on myself and I think I am going to arrange some counselling. This is all clearly healthy and normal behaviour from him. But it just feels weird?! I'm used to men who are OTT or who don't care at all. Not this!!

@Pepsimaxedout thats interesting, nothing to ‘fix’ so to speak so you’re freaking out and overthinking it. Therapy sounds like a plan but try to do something to soothe your nerves in the meantime and remember that he’s not doing anything wrong but equally neither are you, it’s just a weird feeling for you. Big hugs

@Mountainormolehills usually I am quite busy but today I'm WFH so in my own head a lot. The good thing is I am busy the rest of the week until I see him again so will calm down a bit!

Hi everyone, I've been lurking and reading posts with interest for the past few weeks whilst doing a bit of swiping on the apps... I've been following a woman on Instagram who has a podcast Mostly Balanced (mostly Dating). She's a dating consultant and I've found her posts and podcast really helpful - she's covered so much of what you've all mentioned as being challenging - communication, ghosting, texting dependency etc etc. I'd really recommend listening/following.
Also, Therapy Jeff on Instagram shares some super helpful dating and relationship tips, plus he is just fab 😊
And my final recommendation if you haven't already read it is Block, Delete, Move on by Lalala Let me Explain.
Hope these help- they've really helped me. good luck to you all on your dating endeavours.

I'm meeting Mr Designer next week- we've bonded over a love of good grammar and Jaffa cakes. Some lovely conversations so far, I'm hopeful, but neither of us looking for anything serious.

Occasional lurker of the thread here, but I'm relieved to read posts like this and not feel like I'm the odd one out.

This is really the problem I have with dating apps. I'm very rarely attracted to anyone purely based on physical appearance. I've never really understood how most people seem to know when they find someone instantly attractive. Often, when I use dating apps, I find it hard because...as horrible as it might sound...I feel when you're scrolling on there, you're seeing 'just another person', if that makes sense. I definitely know when I'm not attracted to someone, but I've never experienced the 'wanting to rip someone's clothes off immediately' level attraction either. I think there's a part of me that is uncomfortable with the idea of objectifying/sexualising someone I don't even know/have only just met like that as well.

For me, attraction only builds the better I get to know someone. There have been people I've not felt huge attraction towards straight away, but have definitely come to feel that way the more I've spent in their company and the better I've got to know them.

Full disclosure: I'm a male poster - and read this thread to get different people's perspectives and experiences.

Ohhhh bless you! It's such an awful feeling isn't it :( o totally get it. I've really been questioning myself so much this past week and how I'm reacting to this. I started listening to a podcast on anxious attachments following someone mentioning it here and so much is resonating with me (although I think mine stems for previous relationships not childhood).
I have no advice I'm afraid, I'm still nervous wreck! And I feel like I could really be starting to like Mr shy which is making it worse as I have no idea if it's reciprocated or not :( I'm getting really annoyed at myself tbh 🙈 wish I could just be more chilled!!

@ILostMy20s I'm happy to read that there are men out there who feel this way..sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me because I find it hard to know if I'm attracted to someone before I'm in love with them

@friendswiththemonstera that doggo and"i assure you, i have not" is too funny

@Pepsimaxedout i understand you. In this weird way, dealing with men who are OTT or who don't care at all.

"Normal relationships" can be a bit scary because there is reciprocation. So it's no longer one-sided because now the other person needs you, too, so there is this added pressure of wanting to do things the right way (whereas with OTT and men who don't care that's not such a concern)

If there has been a traumatic relationship in the past, it can be even scarier because of being afraid history repeats itself.

Take things in chunks. Just because you like each other it doesn't mean it's suddenly marriage and another house. If you need to take it a bit slow, take it a bit slow until stress subsides.

I think that I've got 'The ick' with mine before we've even met

He finally messaged today, just like everything's normal (but he called me 'dear'. Funny how babe etc don't bother me but 'dear' just made me go 'WTF'!)

Anyway, I answered him with just a sentence, he then informed me that he's out again tonight so 'Might be back on later or else tomorrow'. I simply said 'Ok' & he's asked if he's upset me.

Too much like hard work, I just can't be bothered now.

Another (nearly 50) year old man who spends every evening getting pissed & every day sleeping until 1.

I'm not sure how he fooled me on the weekend... Maybe he set his alarm for 8am so that he could message his Bumble matches & pretend that he doesn't usually sleep for half the day

Least you found out before you wasted time meeting @NervesOfCotton
I would be wtf with dear!! Babe, gorgeous, lovely I can cope with but dear...I would be like how old are you 🤣🤣
I have gone to the complete extreme from the guy I messaged at the start of the year (Mr T) and have about 5 chats on the go...one which has moved to WhatsApp! Currently meeting one on Friday (Mr S) and would definitely like to meet 2 at some point but 2 of them are one word answers!!

Oh that's so disappointing! It was sounding exciting at the weekend. But you're right, two nights on the piss isn't appealing at all is it??

blacksocks33 It's just not a compatible lifestyle is it. On the days when I'm free school-hours (but not evenings) he will be asleep. & he's clearly defensive about it & won't talk to me about it so 'Whatever'

2anddone Thank you dear
& good for you! I hope the Friday one stays good.

@NervesOfCotton the dear alone is enough to block and delete without hesitation. I cannot abide it. My ex used to call me it deliberately to wind me up.

Who the fuck on a dating website refers to someone they've never met as dear unless they are 80?

But yes at least you know before you spend any more time on him.

Who the fuck on a dating website refers to someone they've never met as dear unless they are 80?

Nigerian catfish 🤣

🤣🤣🤣 That was my first thought, too, Sam!

Look, here I am, suffering whilst juggling OLD when I could be dating a Nigerian prince 😘 And no need to do OLD, they somehow magically just find my email!

Now I reckon when I meet a sex fiend online, I will call him 'dear' 🤓