Dating thread 246 - Spring Dating

[SamW98]

Continued from 245….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@TiaraBoo I'd say from that he's not interested. You asked for a date when he is free and he's not given you one. Throw him back.

@Pepsimaxedout ahh fuck.

I'm sorry but I would say the same. I would be tempted to say "I enjoy chatting with you but I'm conscious we've not managed a third date - do you want to go for a third date? If not, I think it's best we draw a line under this" but I just hate not knowing!

What is it with these men?!? He sounds awful.

Yeah I agree, it's best to ask and get an answer

I agree with the others.
I would be tempted to directly ask him what's going on. It'll save you the hassle of wondering and over thinking things.
If he doesn't reply, that's an answer in itself!

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the board. Just came put of a 3 and a half year relationship today. Feeling very scared about dating again. Track record has not been great, had lots of counselling for childhood issues that's affecting my adult relationships. Been in abusive relationships. I have better boundaries now and can say no easier. However still worried about the future dating scene.

So if anyone has tips on starting to date again that would be great and I'd be very thankful

Hi @Radiatorsprings11 sorry to hear about your break up.
My piece of advice to you would be that OLD is brutal!! So don't start it until you are feeling a bit stronger in yourself and less vulnerable after your break up...we are all here if you want to chat/vent etc

The future dating scene will be bright one day, but I would recommend you spend some good time feeling happy alone first. (Not that I ever take my own advice - lol)

I used the Heal Your Heartbreak podcast a lot when I was first broken up with. I really recommend it. Feel free to PM me x

I agree with this. It's not advisable to start OLD if you are feeling vulnerable (and you will be if you've just had a break-up), take some time to yourself to heal and clear your headspace.

@Radiatorsprings11 my advice is don't date now. Process your break up. Get more counselling to talk about what went wrong in that relationship and what lessons you can learn from it. Or journal about it at least. Read about attachment styles and codependency. Learn to be happy living alone and being alone.

I've been single since July and still working on myself. OLD is still teaching me plenty of new lessons about myself. But you need to be in the right frame of mind. One of my biggest complaints about OLD is men who are trying to just rebound out of one relationship into another.

Mr S is another chatter....though nowhere near like my last guy (Mr T)! To be fair I like the texts and chat and this time eyes are wide open and I am not getting invested...all chats have been quite superficial nothing about families or growing up etc. We are still meeting on Friday, he asked yesterday if we could move it forward to Thursday as he wants to meet me sooner (he is away with work today til Thursday but was going to travel home via my town) I can't as I am out Thursday evening, but he has asked if I can keep Monday free in case coffee and a walk on Friday goes well so we can go on a day out!
Also chatting to Mr J but no mention of meeting and it's more silly banter chat...though helping me not focus on Mr S!!

@2anddone I have a date on Friday too! We will have to compare notes. Are you excited?
Since I've started dating (from summer) this js the first guy I'm genuinely excited to meet... he is lots of fun to speak to and from his photos I really fancy him! I know even if there isn't a spark (which I'm hoping there is) we'll have a great time! ❤️

@mumofoneanddone82 I am looking forward to it...not sure I am excited as such?? He seems really lovely and also seems very keen to meet me but trying to keep my feet on the ground as got too invested in Mr T and then was so upset when he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship!
Hope your date goes well we will definitely have to compare notes

Hi everyone!
Just updating you all on my situation. I need to give this guy a name, let's say Mr Shy!
Anyway, after Friday we've been texting abit and it's been chatty and nice, not massive long texts though and not all day long. Just a few a day. But I'm ok with that, rather it be like that. He actually was unwell all weekend and even rang in sick to work so maybe that's why I got weird vibes on Friday? Maybe he was too polite to say for me to not come round because he was unwell 🙈
Anyway I asked about meeting up on Friday and he said yes. Not made solid plans though and he's away this week so I imagine might not speak for a couple days so not overly confident this will go ahead or what we will do 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few comments others have made though have rang alarm bells for me. We talk a lot but is it just superficial? We've not talked about feelings or expectations. I think I definitely need that now. We've been chatting for a while and I have no idea where I stand or what I'm working towards. I feel like we need to have a convo over a glass of wine to break down some of the boundaries 😂 but we live a drive a way from each other so but difficult to suggest 🙈 I think I'm just feeling frustrated now. I feel like I want to move forward, happy for it to be slowly, just not standing still. Or am I being impatient?

blacksocks33 From what you've said here, he seems keen.

Can you do video/phone calls when you can't physically be with each other? Might be easier to have that kind of chat than by text.

Or suggest that you meet for a glass of wine on Friday & speak then about what you are both looking for? I think by date (Is it 4?) Then it's fair enough to want to know what's what.

@blacksocks33 he definitely seems keen but I would say he sounds like someone who doesn't take the lead. And you sound like someone who doesn't like to take the lead either?

I know I am a broken record with this, but just say things! The worst that will happen is you get the answer you need!

@blacksocks33 you remind me of myself. When I was seeing guys I found myself lost in the ambiguity of it all. I kept waiting for the man to tell me what he wanted and hoped our plans aligned.

Now I realise it's totally okay for me to be assertive in what I want instead of waiting for someone else's decision.

If you want to just see him twice per month, talk to him about it. If you want you two to be more serious, bring it up.

Also dating is there to for you to figure out if he'd make a good partner or if he's just a friend or whatever else. Now you are learning about each other and how and where you're compatible.

For the last few days Bumble has been saying there’s no available people matching my criteria - think I’ve swiped left for all of them!!

So I deleted and recreated my profile. Now seeing completely different people I’ve never seen before 🤷‍♀️

@SamW98 Good on you for trying something new! Yes, deleting and restarting shower some new people for me too.

Just had date 2 with Thursday Man (who I am going to re christen "Mr Sneaker" for reasons I cannot explain).

Went well, only red flag is that he very much painted himself as the innocent party in his marriage breakdown. I know we are all the victims in our own narratives but I do like to see that someone understands what to do differently.

Anyway, we arranged the 3rd date before we parted ways.

@SamW98
I have the same, I untoggled verified only, got loads more

Just a pity none are doing it for me 🤣🤣 did start chatting to guy before the weekend, who now has gone silent ...oh well carry on swiping ladies 😀

@friendswiththemonstera
Sounds promising, 3rd date .

Well just after I posted yesterday to say I'd had a really good call with Mr W on Saturday and we'd agreed to meet later in the week, he called me Sunday morning and suggested meeting for a coffee. And I'm so glad I just went for it because he wasn't for me and if I'd left it until the end of this week as planned I can totally see that I would have become over invested and made it into something. He was lovely in lots of ways but just not for me.

So I am back to scrolling again. My subscription with Bumble has run out so I'm tempted to do the same and delete and sign up again in the hope that I get some new possibilities as it's been dire the last month.

Have just messaged someone new on Match so will see if he replies.

@friendswiththemonstera I agree if I've been chatting with someone and they don't take any responsibility for the break up/ are the innocent party only it raises concerns for me.

2 out of the 5 I've met so far have talked about their ex as being crazy/ narcissistic. Other theme I'm coming across is traumatic childhoods, 3 out of the 5 have had really difficult childhoods.

Having said that any of the profiles that say I'm looking for someone normal and no drama equally have me swiping left very quickly.

Mr S (who I am due to meet on Friday) is being really lovely and texting a few times during the day...the messages are really sweet and always mention how he can't wait to meet me. He has also mentioned things we could do on the future if we get on well like going away etc...now starting to wonder if he has the limerance that I read about on here! My head firmly screwed on this time after Mr T so maybe I am just feeling like it's full on quite quick when maybe it isn't?? Mr S hasn't used any sexual talk at all just mentioned cuddles and how he wished I was there for him to cuddle at night, which is lovely but starting to wonder...can someone be too nice?? No red flags 🚩 yet!!!