Dating thread 246 - Spring Dating

[SamW98]

Continued from 245….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

blacksocks33 I wouldn't worry too much about the not kissing, seeing as he had a bit of a cold. I wouldn't want that to be our first kiss!

He possibly fell asleep & didn't hear your text, if he wasn't feeling 100% (but I'd be feeling a bit gutted about that too tbh!)

Did you mention another potential date?

@blacksocks33 my advice is to do what YOU feel. If he's the right person he won't mind what you text/ask him and if he's the wrong person then you'll know! I've spent years dating, looking up dating advice etc etc but in all my experience honest, open communication is the best way forward (obviously something to be said about playing a bit cool in the beginning etc l) maybe wait until midday and see if he texts you back. If he's feeling ill and over the age of 40 he might just have fallen asleep! Keep us updated

Aww thanks all!
I wouldn't say he was really unwell tbh but could tell he was bothered and mentioned it a couple times!
I think what's concerned me this time is there was no mention of meeting up again and previously he's thrown a few suggestions out there for it whilst on the date (and then I've gone home and second guessed all 😂) and at the end no bug or anything like that. It felt a bit odd despite having such a nice time! I would've hugged or gone in for a kiss but I just felt he didn't want to!

I don't want to come across as forceful or full on at all, but I just want him to know I like him 🙈

@blacksocks33 What did you do for 5 hours at his house?
Visiting his house on date 3 seems low effort, if he was well enough for you to stay for 5 hours he was well enough for a proper out of the house date.
Also Visiting someone's house usually equals sex...was he hoping for that but was too shy so it was awkward.

The texting when you got home safe was kind but did it need a response. Can you tell if he's read it?

I'd be messaging today and saying that you had a nice time (if you did) and that you look forward to another date and maybe a kiss even though a 1st kiss is always awkward...and make a joke out of it to break the ice. He seems very shy.

@SortingItOut he made me my tea and then we chatted for a whole and ended up playing a board game. Tbh I quite liked that 🙈

I don't have my read receipts on WhatsApp so I can't see when people read my messages!

The thing is... he isn't shy. He's not cocky or arrogant but he's a great talker. But he just hasn't made any moves at all.... I'm happy to be low key and take things slow, but the lack of anything is make me feel conscious. But saying that.... I am shy and I also haven't made any moves 😂 which is why I thought maybe just put it out there in text if he messages me back 🤷🏼‍♀️

@blacksocks33 A board game evening sounds good but personally for me not for a 3rd date....I have a competitive streak and I wouldn't want to scare them off that early on😂

Affection and physical contact is such a huge thing that although you think he's not shy maybe he is with kissing.
If you're also shy maybe he's thinking you don't like him as you haven't made a move.
Its so hard to gauge the other persons feelings and he wouldn't want to offend you.

A text today saying any combination of what's been suggested sounds a good idea.

I also notice there is a lot of hand wringing over this man is fine but also not incredibly healthy.
A relationship should enhance your life and not be your life.
What else do you have going on with your life? Do you work? Have kids? Hobbies? See friends?
You should be happy with your lovely life that it won't matter whether this ends or not as you know your life is good without him (but hopefully enhanced with him in it).

@SortingItOut aww no I don't mean to have given that impression at all. I have a happy life and 2 children who keep me busy. I was just airing my thoughts for some advice as to what others would do in this situation.

blacksocks33 I agree there's a difference between not being shy & being shy with the physical side!

Do you know what time roughly he gets up on the weekends?
I'd say to text him & mention another date & go from there.

Anybody else notice the men on Bumble with selfies taken in hospital? With a hospital gown on?
Some of them look fine but some of them look dog-rough (As I would in hospital!) Compared to their other photos, so why post that?!
Smacks of 'Ask me what was wrong' to me.

You haven't given the impression of not having a happy life, it was just me being inquisitive as some people do date to fill a void in their lives.

Its definitely good to have somewhere ro air your thoughts and ask questions. OLD is a minefield.

I hope you get the response you want from him later🤞

@blacksocks33 I kind of agree with @SortingItOut it seems like a load of head fuckery for three dates in. In my (albeit not always positive) experience, if it's got to three dates and a bloke is interested, you WILL know.

If you're still left questioning it, then I think you need to start thinking about whether or not he meets your needs. It sounds like you need someone who can take the lead and communicate their feelings and intentions clearly. Is this bloke really doing this?

I also use times like this for a bit of introspection. Have I done enough to make my intentions clear and mirror the behaviour I'd like to see from my date? You sound quite guarded and don't want to tell him what you really think/feel. By three dates, if I liked a bloke, I'd be telling I liked him. Just a giggly 'I really like you' does the job I find.

God no! The only one I’m interested in, who I thought was interested in me, is the guy who I have seen 4 times since September but never really fancied, and then I started to like. We’ll call him Mr Arty, we had lots of friendly fun last weekend but after a good couple of days of messages has dropped back off the radar so I think we’re just friends, which is ok.
I need to keep working on myself and sorting out my other stuff.

@Pepsimaxedout I'll put my hands up, I'm the problem here because I'm an over thinker so I know I'm over thinning little things 😅 but you are right I do need someone to be a bit more forward.
I think if he messages me today I'm just going to put some thing out there just to see how he responds. I'll never know if I don't ask and I am over wondering tbh!

I've come off the app now because it's miserable and I CBA with it anymore. I have a date tonight and this going to be my last one for a while I reckon. I do feel like OLD has got a bit too consuming now. I'm looking forward to weekends on my own again!

@blacksocks33 I don't think you're the problem really. OLD is hard and you need a thick skin, you get your hopes up and then dashed! I think if you're a seasoned dater, the thing that keeps me sane when it doesn't work out is to say 'I was fine before I met this guy and I'll be fine after if nothing comes of it.' I can be a terrible over thinker. For example, I'm due to go on a date on friday. Have been super excited... but the guy went out for a friend's birthday last night (we just messaged very briefly yesterday morning) because I haven't heard from him I'm convinced he's met someone out last night and the dates off 😂😂😂 and now all the excitement has turned into a bit of let down! (This is all my brain making the narrative) I want to buy a new outfit for the date but also concerned if I spend some money on a nice outfit it will definitly be called off. Think I need therapy haha

@Pepsimaxedout who's the date with tonight?

Having an anxious attachment style is a nightmare unless you can manage it well enough.
Can you work on your attachment style?
Have you had counselling/therapy around the issues which led to this attachment style?

@SortingItOut I have indeed had therapy and counciling and therapy again for anxiety.
I think what it is really though is that I don't know how this person feels about me. We've not really talked about it so I think I'm just going to have to ask/put it out there and see what he says :)

Putting it out there is exactly what you need to do so you get an answer and then can make decisions from there.

Hopefully he's just shy around affection and is not emotionally unintelligent.

@blacksocks33 I used to have an anxious attachment style when I was younger. Now I don't know what I am! I think my ex has made me avoidant 😆if you haven't done already, read up on attachment styles. It's something that really helped me.

@mumofoneanddone82 it's the bloke I had a phone date with a couple of weeks ago. We've been texting and had another phone chat since but this is the first time of meeting. I usually prefer meeting quickly so this has all been out of my usual comfort zone. We'll see how tonight goes. He seems really nice but I'm at that stage now where I'm literally waiting for something going tits up.

Question....how many matches do you talk to at once?
While you are talking to a few do you stop swiping for a bit?
Very aware that last time I got too invested too quickly (then was told about limerance (sp?)) so don't want to do that again and have counteracted it by chatting to a few at the same time...most are like pulling teeth to get a conversation out of but one guy (let's call him Mr J) has really good text and we text for a while last night and discussed possibly meeting up next week

@2anddone I usually have a couple of chats on the go at once but it's died down to just the one now. It does help to not get too over ininvested. I can't do more than two though, its too much like hard work!

So heard from date, he thanked me for a lovely evening etc etc. no mention of anything further.
I'll message him later but not sure what to say!

The anxious attachment is interesting, will look into further later ☺️

@Pepsimaxedout this is what I was thinking 2 possibly 3 at the most. If not I will be scrolling backwards and forwards trying to remember who said what!

@blacksocks33 I have a different take which is if you have to ask them, it's generally not good news. I personally wouldn't ask because then I'd feel even worse! But appreciate not everyone agrees with this approach.

@2anddone It depends, but I would always try to have more than one chat going. But I don't chat excessively so can have few of them going, because inevitably not all of them come to anything.