Dating thread 246 - Spring Dating

[SamW98]

Continued from 245….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Mckittens your experience of building false intimacy sounds similar to mine...except we did meet 3 times over the 7 weeks and was supposed to meet the day after he messaged basically freaking out that he wasn't ready for a relationship!
I really struggled when we stopped chatting and it made me realise how lonely I possibly was without realising it!
Going back on the apps possibly this weekend this time determined not to get chatty until after we have met!

Equally I don't want to go straight to a face to face meeting without some chat as I want to get some indication about the basics

Did that once where he said let’s not bother chatting over messages, it’s so much better to meet and talk face to face - then he never said a fucking word!! Just turned up looking like he’s slept in a skip, nursed an orange juice for 40 minutes and answered everything with yes or no.! It was absolutely painful

I genuinely think when men ask "what are you looking for" it's a coded question to see if a woman is up for ONS/FWB.

I have "Looking for long-term relationship" on my profile right under my name. Every single man who has asked me the above question straight after asking how are you has then stated they are:

• looking for fun
• not looking for anything serious
• want to see how things go
• keep things casual

despite them having the complete opposite written in their bio

It's a trap!

@Starseeking I actually disagree that it's a trap. Some people do read 'looking for a long term relationship' as expecting something very full on, very quickly. I've been on one date with men who then want me to fall into the role of their ex wife who they'd been with for 30 years. Rather than slowly building up to something with the right person. Some people have just been burned and are wary now.

I also have this issue. I’m 46 but still have primary and secondary aged kids. I also haven’t hidden this fact but I’ve had so many idiots msg me first off asking what my childcare routine is and “do I get much free time”. The irony is that I then seem to have far more availability than these guys anyway. It’s very difficult. I had one date lined up and he cancelled because patronisingly, he said “oh I’ve been where you are now”, cheeky sod!

I’ve had a couple of those. The one who after the first date talked about booking a holiday together and said ‘when we live together’ - when I told him I don’t intend to live with anyone again was sending me a sad face emoji and asking ‘what not even me’ - mate we’ve had 2 glasses of wine together calm down

I also don't do hook ups or casual. I don't judge people who do, it's just not for me right now.

So I always pick 'long-term relationship' only. I don't care if it makes me look insecure or needy, I'd rather be honest.

@2anddone I'm honest. It says I'm looking for a long-term relationship. One guy I really really clicked with also stated in his profile he was looking for long-term relationship, and it makes things so so much easier knowing you're on the same wavelength.

However I didn't put 'DH material wanted' cos I reckon it might scare some men away. But it doesn't mean that's not my (not so secret) agenda

@Mckittens it's not is it. I haven't heard from him since last night which isn't our normal text pattern during the week!
I just feel a bit bad because he suggested a few things to do when we meet up and I didn't decide and then I didn't text him yesterday during the day as I was unwell (didn't tell him).... wonder if I've given mixed signals myself?

My RL friends keep saying DONT TEXT, which I won't do right now, but at the same time I wonder if I should later just to show that I am interested 🤷🏼‍♀️

@blacksocks33 I don't mind texting with someone before as that means I get to know them so when we first meet you already have something to talk about.

In my experience, if a guy's shit at texting online he's not magically turn into a communicative unicorn on a first date.

I would rather have someone tell me all about their boring day and ask me about my boring day than sit there and be all quiet and mysterious. I'm not a mind-reader

@blacksocks33

I totally get why RL pals are saying don't text but I think in the circumstances if I were in your shoes I would be tempted to send another one later saying just checking in & maybe say you hadn't been feeling well but you are still keen to meet if he is. At least then if you don't hear back from that one you'll know something is definitely off.

But I know others would say like your RL friends don't do that because you can be perceived as needy and that's maybe off putting,

Haha yes exactly! I've been chatting to this guy for about a month now and met up with him for some pretty long dates... surely it's fine for me to text him later instead of just sitting and waiting wondering if I'm being ghosted again 🤷🏼‍♀️

@blacksocks33 yes exactly, just message again. Hopefully he will message right back!

@blacksocks33 I understand the people who say 'don't chase' etc. But I am very much from the school of thought that there is nothing wrong with communicating clearly and plainly. There is nothing wrong with sending a text to say 'Sorry I've not text much, I'm not feeling well'. There is nothing wrong with sending a text to say 'I like you' or 'I'd like to meet up'. There is a difference between sending one text and 20 texts though.

Thanks all! I need this push 🙈 I'd just rather know then sit around waiting on someone...
What do I say? He text me last night and I replied... so if I say I have been shit because I've been unwell it might sound odd seeing how he hasn't text me 🙈

Totally agree @Pepsimaxedout I have had some bad experiences in the past but I now see that this is not indicative of how everyone is. People who are right for you won't take advantage of your vulnerability, though I agree, it's good not to go overboard and make someone else feel suffocated.

I think in my younger days i wouldn't have wanted to admit I wanted a long term relationship or something serious on a profile. Now I'd be a lot more honest and open about it.

Just reading through the comments and feel like I might be the flaky one! I’m disappointed that mr handsome didn’t work out after a few successful dates and lots of phone calls etc. Then he backtracked and said he wasn’t ready.
A few have been chatting but I’m just disliking how most men are in a hurry for the physical side.
I really don’t want that with everyone I meet! Or message! Sigh….
I have a possible friend with benefits option that wasn’t really what I was looking for but I’m not convinced he looks like his photos as they all seem pretty old and i checked out his social media. But he has been more than patient with me for obvious reasons. But now I’m full of cold and he probably thinks I’m binning him so back to square one I think. As I postponed our meet up this week…

I wrote that but then sent a text to the guy I'm meeting on Saturday and spent 40 agonising minutes thinking I shouldn't have text him until he replied!

Oh yes I totally understand what you mean, it happens to me too, it's the whole vibe of Whatsapp and messages being read and what not. That's why it's good to have friends/people on this thread because it takes a lot of that stress away.

@blacksocks33 any updates?

Sorry, I totally didn't realise this had move to a new thread so so much to catch up on!

Update for me! Speaking to three different guys. Two are slow burners... nice chat but nothing that exciting. Started speaking to Mr L on Sunday! Messages were great, lots of fun! Then we spoke last night for over an hour lots of laughs and banter (I hate that word) stupid me is worried I was too over enthusiastic with no air of mystery! We talked about meeting up on the call. I've spoken to lots of guys on the phone and normally get a text afterwards so how nice it was to speak! I've heard nothing from 😂😂 I want to text... because I'm a needy cow! I'll guess I'll be waiting for a long time to receive a message from him!

Yeah it's still considered a bit uncool I think, and understandably a lot of people get burned when they are with someone wrong, but it's good to have a general idea and be on the same page.

I started OLD a whole 6 weeks ago and finding it pretty depressing so far. There was the 1 I arranged to meet who vanished, the 1 I went to meet after daily calls for over a week who turned up an hour late (I’d long since gone home) and 1 who I’d had over an hour call with which went really quick, got on really well, arranged to meet and no idea where he’s gone and the 1 I met at the weekend who looked nothing like his profile pics. Not to mention those who match and don’t message, can’t manage more than 2 word messages, seem to want to message for ever etc. Didn’t expect it to be such hard work!

I agree. But now I don't have time to be cool. Be open and honest. I do think though sometimes people are accused of a lack of honesty when it's not that it's just they don't know what they want.

This is me too. Those that genuinely appear to want a LTR don't even ask the question, if it's in their profile. In my experience it's only been the liars @Pepsimaxedout.

I've also had the ones who want you to become their whole lives straight away, and it's been on dates that I've filtered them. One guy was separated (didn't have it on his profile), spent the date talking about what an awful witch his (ex?)wife was and was gleeful talking about how he'd have won when she saw how he'd landed on his feet with me (good job, own house, car etc)...all this on a first date