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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 246 - Spring Dating

1000 replies

SamW98 · 10/03/2024 14:42

Continued from 245….

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. Know your worth.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
  1. No dating the thread.
  2. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
  3. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
  4. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
  5. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Mckittens · 18/03/2024 20:59

@cassiatwenty and @NervesOfCotton you both made me laugh. No response from Mr Tired, too worn out obvs 😆

@friendswiththemonstera fingers crossed for your Thursday date, it sounds promising.

This whole ghosting thing/ not showing up or not being able to do basic communication is so disappointing.

Mountainormolehills · 18/03/2024 21:00

@lizkt thats happened to me, 2 hours before a date, all organised and sorted and then conversation ended and poof! gone. So rude and weird. Another good reason for having breaks from the apps

Mckittens · 18/03/2024 21:11

What is that about? I mean from a psychological perspective? I just don't understand why waste your own and someone else's time messaging and arranging something to then just disappear straight before it.

friendswiththemonstera · 18/03/2024 21:26

I'd guess that lots of them are fresh from a breakup and not ready to date, or they meet someone they're more interested in.

Mountainormolehills · 18/03/2024 21:34

@Mckittens I agree with @friendswiththemonstera that they possibly have a few options for 1 night and ghost the others nearer the time (I had already done my makeup for my date but thankfully hadn’t left the house!

blacksocks33 · 18/03/2024 21:44

@friendswiththemonstera oh I'm so sorry that happened to you! There's absolutely NO excision it.
I'm guessing we've all been in a position where we've had to send an awkward text, and it's not nice, but how can someone ever think it's better to just stand someone up/ghost?!?!

I'm so glad you have something else lined up, you deserve a great date on Thursday!

cassiatwenty · 18/03/2024 21:50

That's nice of you, I'm sure your gesture will be appreciated. It sounds like she has a lot on her plate right now. Swiping can get extremely stressful @TobyEsterhase

Starseeking · 18/03/2024 23:55

@NervesOfCotton I've set my distance to 20 miles as I'm in London so feel there must be SOMEONE in the city for me...yet I've still managed to match with many from outside. One of the first questions I always ask a match is where are they based for home and work so I can gauge how feasible things would be, as I'd like to meet up after work occasionally.

@friendswiththemonstera sorry to hear that happened to you. Some of these men have taken ghosting too far; at the very least he could have told you that he couldn't make it for x spurious reason. Hope your Thursday date goes to plan.

NervesOfCotton · 19/03/2024 05:12

Starseeking I know, I ask it sometimes but other times I just assume that it's right (which is ridiculous as I should know better by now, as I've also been caught out when they work miles away)

I feel your pain re distance! The 2 men that I dated back in the summer who lived in my town but across the other side, showed me how easy it would be to date somebody 'local'. So that would be my absolute ideal.

There isn't anybody local to chose from though, those 2 were itGrin

friendswiththemonstera Sorry that he did that. He's a twat. I was blocked an hour before the date, a few years back when I first joined OLD, so, sadly, it's not a new thing.

SamW98 · 19/03/2024 13:21

Quick drop in to say no further updates re Mr J but I’m losing interest the longer it goes on.

I was very patient because of his dad but he’s since told me he’s been on OLD 18 months and no dates yet. So feels like he’s just looking to chat rather than meet up. And I just think our messages feel so dry - after a month there’s no depth to what we’re saying do think I’m going to shut this one down.

OP posts:
User990 · 19/03/2024 14:12

@SamW98 sounds like you're doing the right thing, 18 months and no dates 😲

My date for this week got cancelled, I had a feeling for few days this might happen, but reason is he's not ready after breakup. not sure what's the right thing, should I say get in touch if/when you do? We've never met, and it was probably going to be more casual thing. But he had a good chat (and few other things going on for him) which I thought he was quite interesting one.

cassiatwenty · 19/03/2024 14:18

@SamW98 Sorry to hear that Sam. Yes messages can get dry. After a while when people start spending time together, they can have interesting chats as they share what goes on in their lives. Too bad about Mr J., I was hoping he might be different.

Pepsimaxedout · 19/03/2024 14:19

@SamW98 that's disappointing. I do think sometimes people go into OLD not knowing what they want and just wanting a bit of attention/validation/someone to chat with. Which is shit.

@User990 that's disappointing.

Bestlife18 · 19/03/2024 15:42

User990 · 19/03/2024 14:12

@SamW98 sounds like you're doing the right thing, 18 months and no dates 😲

My date for this week got cancelled, I had a feeling for few days this might happen, but reason is he's not ready after breakup. not sure what's the right thing, should I say get in touch if/when you do? We've never met, and it was probably going to be more casual thing. But he had a good chat (and few other things going on for him) which I thought he was quite interesting one.

I think for me, and after spending years chasing wasters, it would be a hard no. You don’t want to be someone’s back burner and if they want to be with you, they will. You don’t want to be cleaning up someone else’s mess when you have your own house in order x

Starseeking · 19/03/2024 17:03

Sorry to hear that @SamW98, it sounds like he was looking for a pen pal/distraction from the real-life challenges he was facing with his dad's illness, and had no intention of meeting up, which is a shame.

Mckittens · 19/03/2024 17:06

@User990 sorry your date got cancelled, that's v crap but I guess at least he sent a message rather than just disappearing. Early on when I had just started on this venture I said I would meet someone who was then away on holiday and in the meantime I got chatting with someone else and arranged to meet them instead. I told the first one that was on holiday and he had said no problem at all hope it goes well but if not I'd love to meet you when I get back.

I didn't actually go on to meet him because I kind of knew he wasn't going to be for me but I remember thinking it was a sweet message.

I know your situation is different but I'd say no harm in replying with a thanks for letting me know, appreciate that the timing isn't right for you just now type message, feel free to get in touch if that changes but I guess also he may not being entirely truthful. I definitely wouldn't be thinking he would be in contact again if that makes sense.

@SamW98 that's so disappointing re Mr J. It had sounded hopeful. But yes definitely sounds like shutting it down is the right thing to do given the 18 months and no dates thing. Honestly it is just eye opening this whole OLD thing in terms of the different things people are doing it for and getting out of it.

I had been chatting to someone for over two weeks, most evenings, felt like really good reciprocal chat that had some depth but also light hearted & funny in the right kind of way. Arranged last weekend to meet which he then postponed but for seemingly good reason. I was totally aware that all the chat was making me over invested & I couldn't multi task and chat with other people as he was in my mind so I suggested we catch up this coming weekend which he'd agreed to and now he's gone. Not replied to a message, left on read, and it's over two days now, which hasn't been the pattern at all so I know it's done but it's made me feel really crap. Just a one line sorry not feeling this or whatever would have been helpful.

Can only think he either never intended to meet but for whatever reason was happy to chat or someone preferable has come along. It's just disappointing I guess as he seemed good at communicating & as if he had some modicum of care and consideration going on. I do know it's better to learn that this isn't the case now rather than in another two weeks or longer so I should be grateful for that at least.

On top of that my ex has decided now is the time to issue an apology and try and win me back. Which has totally messed with my head.

And Mr Tired never responded, and it's bumble so it expired ☹️

Plus side is that someone who I quite like the look of (unusual for me) messaged last night and we had a quick chat, and I like the sound of him as well as being easy on the eye but he lives in the countryside, over an hour away. Not sure how that would work. Will see if he pops up again before I either write it off or move myself to a rural location mentally after having lived in big cities all my adult life 😆

Also messaged someone else today so I'm getting back out there!

User990 · 19/03/2024 17:23

I know I need to let him go - such is life that only after few months in OLD I'm already thinking that a guy with a good chat (and a nice smile) is a rarity 😂

I did text him thanks for letting me know etc and he's sent me a short message acknowledging it. I was thinking to reply to it, but might just leave him to it.

SamW98 · 19/03/2024 18:10

Had a quick look at Bumble and there’s a guy I matched with previously who is really attractive but was quite monosyllabic last time so I deleted him.
I’ve swiped right as he’s really my type physically and it’s a match so going to try again and see if I can get any better chat out of him this time. I’ll only give it a brief chance though and if I still get 2 word responses he’s gone forever.

Mr J I’ve just lost patience with. I did think his head just not in right place but no dates in 18 months - hmmmm.

OP posts:
Nosierosi · 19/03/2024 18:40

Ive found OLD this time around very different to last time (about 2.5 years ago). This time round not many guys, maybe the push from 37-39 is too much or all the left over singletons have settled down)😂

the ones I do match with don’t respond. I’ve been on off chatting with one guy Mr Vague and I asked a direct question today “what do you do for work” and he swerved the answer. I’m beginning to think he works for Mi5 😂

luckily I’m not particularly invested this time around. I’m in a if I meet someone even just to go on a date with then great, if I don’t then that’s fine too.

the difference in experiences over the years has struck me as interesting though. From some of the comments on here I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that it’s changed.

Chocolatefreak · 19/03/2024 19:24

@SamW98 have you suggested a time and place to Mr J and he's avoiding being pinned down? Or has he said he's not up to meeting?

Good luck with Mr Monosyllabic. I know what you mean. Yesterday I got pretty sick of a chat who just answered my questions in monosyllables and didn't attempt to keep the conversation going so I told him, politely, that it was getting hard work and he flounced off in a huff. Then today as I was swiping through, he reappeared, I swiped left and I was informed I'd just missed a match. 🙄

@Mckittensthat's difficult with your ex. Would you be interested in getting back together? With Mr Long Distance you could keep him on the back burner to see if the chat's good/lasts until you have a chance to meet? If you like him it might be quite nice to escape to the country sometimes?

Mr Bohemian is still around, being charming. He's travelling this week then I have my son so I don't think I will see him again until after Easter. And Mr Geek has been added to my collection of new friends from Bumble 😂we live near each other so might go for walks.

I also have another couple of chats going. Waiting to see if Mr B becomes more than a pleasant diversion.

SamW98 · 19/03/2024 19:41

@Chocolatefreak

He wanted to meet last Friday but I was away for the weekend (which is told him on several occasions). So he said leave it when th him and he’d arrange a date this weekend coming.

I got back yesterday afternoon and I’ve mentioned next weekend a few times and he’s completely avoided the subject and sent messages telling me about his day.

And I’m starting to think he’s just messaging a few people with no intention of meeting. A few things I’ve mentioned he’s either not read the message or not been interested as he’s asked questions I’ve already told him the answer to. And I’m still hmm about him messaging ‘goodnight Sue’ a week or so ago which he claims was a typo

OP posts:
Chocolatefreak · 19/03/2024 20:00

Hmmm yes @SamW98 that is rather sus of Mr J. Not to mention irritating/bewildering - why just chat and not meet. I mean what's the point? I want to chat a bit first but always with the intention of meeting if they seem normal and friendly.

Hope the newly reappeared guy is more proactive.

Mckittens · 19/03/2024 20:25

@Chocolatefreak it was a v traumatic end and I'm just recovering now I'd say so last thing I need is him trying to sweep me off my feet again. But it's messed with my head for sure. On top of this whole OLD thing. Because I genuinely thought before I started this that I was happily single, that I wasn't lonely and desperate for a relationship/partner. I've got an amazing job & friends and my kids are fab so I genuinely wasn't unhappy but this whole process has made me doubt that because now I'm consumed with it all but maybe that is the power of the apps!

Mckittens · 19/03/2024 20:27

@Chocolatefreak I think re Mr bohemian you'd said he was maybe a bit inept? I just wondered if there is potential he could he educated 🤔 if other things are positive of course

SamW98 · 19/03/2024 20:45

Well so far Mr Rematch is as much of a dry lunch as last time.

His hint question ‘ask me about my funniest date experience’ so I did. His response - she didn’t look like her photos.

Me - in what way? Him - just different.

Me - I’ll tell you about mine. (Relay the story of coffee date suit and tie man)

Him - lol

This is like pulling teeth

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