Partner lied AGAIN.

[purplegal]

Hi - short story, my partner has lied to me so many times about money. He got a CCJ in September, I asked him to leave for a week or so. Eventually I decided to give him one more chance. I paid it off (£7k) and I arranged to have it removed from his record. All of his bills were in arrears, even our family cars had no insurance or tax and I sorted everything out. Paid them up and set up direct debits. We have been using YNAB, and I thought it was working well. Everything was there in black and white and I could see all the bills were being paid on time.

Friday evening just before we were about to leave for a weekend away in our camper I found an unopened letter, folded and hidden under the bed. It was for a £60 bill that had been unpaid and passed to a debt collection agency. I told him to leave alone. It is Sunday morning and I haven't heard from him.

I have found another letter in the post box today from Barclays with another missed payment of just £5. For reference he earns almost £60k and me just over. We aren't short of money. I bought our first property myself last year as he is unable to get a mortgage. I supported myself over mat leave and have paid so much money to bail him out, I now have some debt myself. I wasn't too worried as we had a plan to be totally debt free (including his huge debts) in just under two years. I can afford the bills myself but I am so scared of being a single mother to our 18th month old.

I guess I just need advice on

1. What to do now. I probably said I didn't want to speak to him before he left, in the heat of the moment, but I am so hurt he's not bothered to contact me.
2. How to go about co-parenting. Do I let him stay in the spare room? He has no savings and no where to go. He can use my motor home but it's not a long term solution.
3. Advice on How to be a single parent. I met up with friends yesterday but most of my close friends do not live near by and I just don't know what to do with my son today. I feel so lonely, everyone is celebrating Mother's Day with their own families and I just feel so alone. (My mum/family live several hours away)

Thank you for reading this long post if you got this far. Please be gentle with me, I know I should have run a mile away years ago. I am feeling very silly and like a huge failure.

TIA X

I'm only going to answer the bit about what you should do today. What does your baby most like doing? Favourite playground, farm or cafe? Do that and spend the day enjoying them

Everything else will come. You've given him plenty of chances and bailed him out often enough. Enough that you should know you will be able to cope without him.

I’m sorry to read this, but you know you need to separate from him.

Hopefully the house is only in your name? He must be doing something with a £60k salary and my concern would be he’s gambling . That might not be the case - he might just spend way more than his income, but either way he is very irresponsible and not caring for his child properly.

No, don’t let him stay in the house. I’d give him a short space of time to use the camper. He needs to get his finances into order and get himself a room in a house share if that is all he can afford.

Do not give him any more money. Your DC is your priority - focus on sorting out your finances so you can provide for your DC.

PS you’re not a failure, you’re a great mum. Cuddle up with your little one and make plans to move forward.

Hi OP. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's sounds tough. I am on my own with my children today and it's not easy.

Unfortunately this was how I discovered my now exhusband's gambling addiction. He never had any money, despite a good job and I was hard on myself for not realising. But the problems with money were slow and insidious and I was independent with my own money and used to looking after myself. I too helped him pay off some debt...it just shows you are kind and supportive. There are people who are very comfortable taking and happy to take advantage of someone's good nature.
You have had a terrible shock. You don't have to make any big decisions straight away and try and not get lost with worrying about the future. Do something really nice for yourself today, even if its small. Cuddle your lovely baby and get through today. You've survived 100percent of your days this far :)

You’re not a failure, but this man will ruin you financially if you don’t leave him.

You can cope on your own, your baby is still young - better to do it now than 10 years down the line x

The money must be going somewhere, gambling, drugs or something else?
You would be so much better off as a single parent. So not only has he not contacted you but he hasn’t contacted his child.
As for today, cinema or soft play, perhaps a nice lunch or baking?

Leave and I don't say this lightly. I stayed and 30 years later we still had bailiffs at the door and debt put on the family home by him. He will ruin you and most importantly the future of your child. The only person you can trust for now is yourself.

What is he doing with the money? Have you cut up his cards? Would he agree to you managing the finances completely for the next few years,? I'm guessing that he's not going to change, so it's a question if whether you would be better off with or without him. No staying in the spare room, if he leaves then he's out and all that goes with it. It stays he pulls his weight. Otherwise you'll end up housing him and he'll live the life of Riley.

Why should she have to manage his finances completely? He’s a grown man!

OP needs to protect herself and her child and that’s it. Simple as.

My dad was like this, my mum left him in the end, she'd tried to take over all finances but he kept spending and getting in debt. He even didn't pay my brothers friend for work he'd done (emergency electrics) and brother ended up paying (except friend wouldn't accept the money).
It was so stressful, as a kid we even had our water cut off!!! (1980's). Me and my brother are both really careful with money now. My mum took control after divorce, married another man crap with money!! But she was by far the bigger earner and took complete control, ended up owning properties and having plenty of money when she retired thankfully! She was on a raid to homeless with my dad
Just beware!

You will cope perfectly well as a single parent because you won't be worrying about and trying to manage the financial messes your partner creates.

I wouldn't bother trying to find out where his money is going, he's a liar so you'll get bullshit excuses rather than the truth.

He needs to leave. You do not need bailiffs turning up on your doorstep. Someone I know had a situation years ago where her partner (long since ex) was borrowing money from unregulated sources, those debt collectors turned up at 3 am with baseball bats. Don't wait for things to get that bad.

Where he goes and how he manages his money will no longer be your concern, do not think you are responsible for sorting it out, he is a fully grown adult with a well paying job, let him sort himself out. Concentrate on creating a secure home for you and your child.

How you manage contact is up to you, just make the safety and security of your child your priority.

I would take some advice on how to make sure his financial problems do not affect you. If you continue to receive "windowed envelopes" for him after he has left you should return as "not known at this address". You need to make sure he doesn't use your address to run up more debt.

I sincerely hope the house is in your name.

This man is going to be no loss at all to your life in any way shape or form. Sorry to be so blunt. Being with him must be like having an anvil around your neck. Cut him loose and consider therapy to address any feelings of misplaced guilt or misplaced loyalty.

He will bleed you dry.
You already gave him a last chance and still he has lied and accumulated debts.
Thankfully you are not married, hopefully the house is in your name and your name only.
You are facilitating him by allowing him to remain living with you.
Ask him to move out. You are very considerate in even contemplating allowing him to live in the motor home. You are under no obligation to do that.

Make sure there are no debts in joint names.

I would cut all financial ties with him, would not live with him and would ensure that he had absolutely no way to accrue debts that affected me. You've worked too hard to have this man ruin you financially. And your child.

Whether you want to keep up some kind of "partners who don't live together" situation is up to you. I wouldn't be able to trust him again. Life is too short.

That £7000 could have gone on your kid, or paying down your mortgage, or holidays. Boot your boyfriend out of your property. He can figure out how to house himself, or more likely he'll find another host to parasite off.
No need for arguing or debates, just tell him he is to be out by Wednesday, you're no longer enjoying having him as a boyfriend, and he will be parenting his kid (not at your property).
Enjoy not having an utter embarrassment leeching off you. Decline to solve his self chosen problems for him.

He’s your partner? Not married to him?

Stop being silly. Stop baling him out.

Tell him to live in the camper van whilst he’s looking for somewhere to live.
Stop being his parent.

You’ll manage so much better without this millstone around your neck.
Just do it.

He's crushed your confidence so much you think you can't do it without him. It will be so much EASIER without him. He is another dependant, cut this lying loser loose and enjoy your baby. It'll have so much less impact on the kid now than if you leave it until the cycle goes around however many more times and she's both damaged by the breakup and the toxic lead up. Now is your time. Spend Mother's Day enjoying the freedom, just the two of you and no stress...what a nice happy life you could both have together.Stop feeling responsible for him, you're not! And tell him to find somewhere else to live/leech and be free!

@Tel12
That wouldn’t stop him from acquiring a lot of debt behind OP’s back.

Oh@purplegal he is a huge letdown to you and your little one, and on this weekend of all weekends. I can well imagine how you must be feeling💐

How utterly disrespectful and disappointing after all you did for him to get him out of the mire.
Unfortunately you will never be able to trust him financially.

Only you can decide if you want to end this, but however hard it is to ask him to not come back now, it will be 100 times harder and a lot worse in a few years to come.

You don’t have to rush anything, there’s no deadline, so be kind to yourself, trust your instincts and let yourself come to a decision in your own time.

Why are you concerned about where he'll go? He earns £60 so he can go to a Premier Inn until he finds somewhere else.

You're not a failure - he's a loser and you are amazing! You are worth so much more than being tied to this waster. You'll do fine as single parent to your toddler and don't worry about the co-parent arrangements. Keep the child with you until he can show he has suitable accommodation for a toddler. Meanwhile, he can always take the little one out for an hour or so to the park.

1. How to go about co-parenting. Do I let him stay in the spare room? He has no savings and no where to go. He can use my motor home but it's not a long term solution.

absolutely not! It’s time to stop babying him, you’re not his Mother. Constantly bailing him out. It’s his turn to face the consequences of his actions. He will never sort his shit out if he’s always being saved.

He can rent a room or even a flat somewhere, he’s you ex, not your adult DS.

He might try to guilt trip you but I think you need to be strong and say this isn’t your problem. He’s made his bed now he can lay in it, question is, will you be joining him?

Im sorry to hear that.

he needs to be an adult, stand on his own feet, pay his own rent, bills.

you need to set boundaries, show you will not tolerate this and parent together but apart.

you can be an amazing single mum, there are many about sue to lots of different reasons.

He's a sneak, and he's got no loyalty or respect for you.
Don't let him keep dragging you and your DD down.
He had such a good chance and he's thrown it all back in your face.
Just thank god you're not married to him.

Spend today doing things you and your dc enjoy, and this evening once theyre in bed do something for you.
Change all the locks so he cant get back in without you knowing.

He will survive when you tell him to leave, just as you have coped with everything. Its time for you to enjoy life now and not keep him afloat anymore

Thank you all so much for your comments. He has come back, armed with Mother's Day gifts (spent way too much!)

I tried to talk to him but he keeps blaming me or other external factors for his actions. I've had enough. I've asked him to leave. I am now working out finances and don't know where to start!!

I can afford the bills myself but how much should I ask to contribute towards them? If anything?
He owes me around £16k - is it fair to ask this to be repaid over 24 months?

Financial security is a big deal to me, I know it's premature but I need to have a plan! I need to take control after being in this constant state of worry and stress for so long.

TIA X

Realistically, I can't see you getting any of the £16,000 back.

If he defaults on a £5 bill and a £60 bill, he won't prioritise the money he owes you; or he might pay for two months and then just stop paying.