Partner lied AGAIN.

[purplegal]

Hi - short story, my partner has lied to me so many times about money. He got a CCJ in September, I asked him to leave for a week or so. Eventually I decided to give him one more chance. I paid it off (£7k) and I arranged to have it removed from his record. All of his bills were in arrears, even our family cars had no insurance or tax and I sorted everything out. Paid them up and set up direct debits. We have been using YNAB, and I thought it was working well. Everything was there in black and white and I could see all the bills were being paid on time.

Friday evening just before we were about to leave for a weekend away in our camper I found an unopened letter, folded and hidden under the bed. It was for a £60 bill that had been unpaid and passed to a debt collection agency. I told him to leave alone. It is Sunday morning and I haven't heard from him.

I have found another letter in the post box today from Barclays with another missed payment of just £5. For reference he earns almost £60k and me just over. We aren't short of money. I bought our first property myself last year as he is unable to get a mortgage. I supported myself over mat leave and have paid so much money to bail him out, I now have some debt myself. I wasn't too worried as we had a plan to be totally debt free (including his huge debts) in just under two years. I can afford the bills myself but I am so scared of being a single mother to our 18th month old.

I guess I just need advice on

1. What to do now. I probably said I didn't want to speak to him before he left, in the heat of the moment, but I am so hurt he's not bothered to contact me.
2. How to go about co-parenting. Do I let him stay in the spare room? He has no savings and no where to go. He can use my motor home but it's not a long term solution.
3. Advice on How to be a single parent. I met up with friends yesterday but most of my close friends do not live near by and I just don't know what to do with my son today. I feel so lonely, everyone is celebrating Mother's Day with their own families and I just feel so alone. (My mum/family live several hours away)

Thank you for reading this long post if you got this far. Please be gentle with me, I know I should have run a mile away years ago. I am feeling very silly and like a huge failure.

TIA X

Hi all!
I know he earns what he does. I took 'control' (not in a weird way!) of our finances and knew where all the money was going most recently. The 7k was from an old credit card. He does have the money to pay the £60 and £5 bills etc he is just absolutely rubbish with money and doesn't make sure it's where it needs to be. I set all his Direct debits back up in October but he still had some going from a different account and forgets to transfer the money. I'm not making excuses, just explaining. I physically cannot do anymore for him. I honestly just want to shake him and wake him up. He's 44 !!!
He says he didn't want it to come to this, and he would give anything to be waking up with our son and I, but all he had to do was make sure there was £5 in the right account 🤯 and not lie to me 😭 I don't think I'm asking for the world.

He told me this evening he has recorded our conversations when I am being far from calm with him, how wonderful to think people may hear me at my most broken. I'm not proud of screaming and shouting but I am completely broken.

And yes the house, car, van etc are all in my name. Fortunately COVID meant we didn't get married (twice!) and most recently I told him I wouldn't marry him until he sorted his finances out. Thank goodness.

He has gone away in the van. I'm looking forward to a calm, peaceful week and a nice tidy house!

He told me this evening he has recorded our conversations when I am being far from calm with him, how wonderful to think people may hear me at my most broken. I'm not proud of screaming and shouting but I am completely broken.

Oh wow, you do not want this man back. If there were not enough red flags already, have some more.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Yes: the recording you is the last straw. Move all communication to text or email and do not engage any more. This is a 44 year old failure of a human being and he is showing you that he will wail about how much he loves you while trying to destroy your reputation at the same time. He is very dangerous.

I tried to talk to him but he keeps blaming me
what an arsehole.

i would not have let him take the van. Get that back. You wont see that £16k again, so don't give away your van as well!

Jeez OP you've lost 16 grand.
You shouldn't have given him the campervan as well. You'll never see that again.

How dare he record you.
It’s very underhanded and sinister.

He’s done that to potentially use against you, when he’s the one that’s caused all the upset and misery.
You really can’t trust this man.

You need to protect your assets including your campervan (tickets/speeding fines - they’ll all come to you).

For goodness sake, throw him OUT.
Don’t do this to yourself. Being single is not as bad as being financially abused.
Get rid of him.

Maybe I'm petty but I'd report the van stollen.

I mean seriously op, imagine rinsing someone for 16 grand and then thinking you can fuck off in their campervan.

Op you gotta give your head a wobble. Stop letting him take your shit ffs!

Ps: so what if he recorded you screaming, who wouldn't lose their shit at a pathetic cocklodging thieving user like him! (And a creep into the bargain apparently).

Well, for a start you need to count your blessings. Everything is in your name, you are not married and are financially independent. This really could be so much worse, so keep that in mind as you deal with your next steps.
A relationship ending is always hard, and thankfully you “only” have the logistics of co-parenting and the emotional fallout to deal with. At least you aren’t in danger of homelessness or worried about how you will feed your son, so hang on to that.
This relationship does need to end now though before you even lose the ability to walk away comfortably. You already have some debt because of him, don’t let it be any more for your son’s sake.
I would echo what someone else said, my gut tells me he is a gambler. If not, it’s some other addiction you need no part of. If it helps you to find out what it is then maybe do some investigating, but I don’t think you’re going to like anything you find out about this man and should just cut your losses now.

Edited to add: “He has no savings and nowhere to go”. That’s HIS problem, not yours. You need to harden your heart. He’s a grown-ass man with a well paid job, he can figure it out.

Thank you again for all the comments, they are very empowering. I have always been such an independent person but have grown to be strangely very dependent on him. I don't know if this is normal in a relationship as this was my first serious partner. I need to find my independence and remember how to live alone, although this time I have my gorgeous little boy and pup. I feel very fortunate that financially I can do it alone, although navigating a demanding full time job with a toddler will be challenging, but not impossible and many people do it!
I did pretty much everything before anyway, I couldn't really rely on him to do very much in terms of normal adult stuff like finances or home improvements so I suppose it won't be too dissimilar. And boy is he messy! X

He risks your stability and financial security and that of your child, and then records you when you (very justifiably!) lose your shit with him? As if there weren't enough red flags already.

You sort of paint him as a "nice but dim" character. Like he tries, bless him, but he's just crap with money.

Nope.

He is a manipulative POS. Get rid before he ruins all that you've built and wrecks your daughter's childhood.

Man speaking. I've had experience of ex with debts and no control over spending - and another who was happy to lie to me for months to get what she wanted. Yours has both problems. He won't address the debt issue unless he wants to, and he's in denial. And also he's shown he's happy to lie to you, so you can't expect that to change. I agree that anything he owes you, you stand little chance of recovering. But at least with a decent income, he will have to pay child support. If (when) he doesn't pay, the courts will recover it for you. It's reasonable to worry about bringing up a young kid alone, but DC will be so much better off without him, there's times it will be hard but you have to remember it would be harder for both of you if he was there.

"Man speaking". Literally did not read a single word more 🤢

Bittenonce

Your words do not carry more weight because you are male.

Your contribution is relevant, we can judge it on its merits, we do not need to know your sex.

Woman speaking.

Mate you’ve given the exact same advice as almost everyone on the thread. Your advice is nothing extra special because you’re a man.

The arrogance of males never fails to astound me.

He told me this evening he has recorded our conversations when I am being far from calm with him, how wonderful to think people may hear me at my most broken. I'm not proud of screaming and shouting but I am completely broken.

Wow, that is so manipulative.

So he’s threatening you too, he’ll expose the nasty, shouty woman to family/friends coz she told him off and had the audacity to get angry with her lying, pathetic oh who basically threw her generosity back in her face and then tried to gaslight and blame her for it.

What a twat he is OP. I really hope you stay strong and go it alone - it doesn’t sound like he adds anything to your life.

Make sure you have all of your money separate to his, and that he has no access.

What do you have in writing about the money he owes you?

Given his behaviour, assume the absolute worst behaviour to come, lies, deceit, manipulation and threats.

Do not give an inch. He will take a mile.

Hold your head up, you are doing the best for yourself and your family by cutting him out.

You have been throwing good money after bad.

The only way you are going to get the money he owes you is if you get him to sign a formal agreement to pay you back. Once the debt is acknowledged, you can enforce it via small claims court (up to 10k).

Your priority should be your own financial stability and provision for your child.

He is a financial parasite. Get rid.

@FOJN @CharmedCult @Fargo79 not arrogance. Not about carrying more weight - I expected them to carry less. Just being upfront, honest. Google directed me here when I was looking to understand DPs issues with antidepressant withdrawal. I'll go now

You sound very bright and capable so should be fine as a single mum especially without this worry! That was a sneaky and disturbing thing to do to record you.

What does he think he's going to do with it?! Woman loses her temper, big deal. He's trying to take away your dignity.

I manage fine on my part time salary of £20k, no debt. Does he pay rent to you? A lot of us can be an ostrich with its head stuck in the sand at times about money but he seems to go on and on and on, it's his default mode. I wonder if he just thinks you'll pay.

Nothing you've said makes it look like he would be a bad father so you can sort out contact if (when) you split. Has he got somewhere to go? You need some breathing space.

Cheerio.

RTFT

Yes I have - which part do you think I missed?

If he’s on 60k he can afford a travel lodge.

I was widowed young, if you’ve coped before you’ll cope again.

Recording you when he owes you 16k is just mean I’d shout if someone owes me 16k and was still unable to bank transfer funds for a £5 payment what a prick.