Partner lied AGAIN.

[purplegal]

Hi - short story, my partner has lied to me so many times about money. He got a CCJ in September, I asked him to leave for a week or so. Eventually I decided to give him one more chance. I paid it off (£7k) and I arranged to have it removed from his record. All of his bills were in arrears, even our family cars had no insurance or tax and I sorted everything out. Paid them up and set up direct debits. We have been using YNAB, and I thought it was working well. Everything was there in black and white and I could see all the bills were being paid on time.

Friday evening just before we were about to leave for a weekend away in our camper I found an unopened letter, folded and hidden under the bed. It was for a £60 bill that had been unpaid and passed to a debt collection agency. I told him to leave alone. It is Sunday morning and I haven't heard from him.

I have found another letter in the post box today from Barclays with another missed payment of just £5. For reference he earns almost £60k and me just over. We aren't short of money. I bought our first property myself last year as he is unable to get a mortgage. I supported myself over mat leave and have paid so much money to bail him out, I now have some debt myself. I wasn't too worried as we had a plan to be totally debt free (including his huge debts) in just under two years. I can afford the bills myself but I am so scared of being a single mother to our 18th month old.

I guess I just need advice on

1. What to do now. I probably said I didn't want to speak to him before he left, in the heat of the moment, but I am so hurt he's not bothered to contact me.
2. How to go about co-parenting. Do I let him stay in the spare room? He has no savings and no where to go. He can use my motor home but it's not a long term solution.
3. Advice on How to be a single parent. I met up with friends yesterday but most of my close friends do not live near by and I just don't know what to do with my son today. I feel so lonely, everyone is celebrating Mother's Day with their own families and I just feel so alone. (My mum/family live several hours away)

Thank you for reading this long post if you got this far. Please be gentle with me, I know I should have run a mile away years ago. I am feeling very silly and like a huge failure.

TIA X

I'm really pleased that he told you he had recorded your "unreasonable" conduct because it should prove to you just how low he is prepared to go in order to hurt or harm you. Hard to accept the truth of his I-love-you's when he's waving that sinister little threat at you.

You've got a sensible head on your shoulders which will serve you well. Good luck.

@purplegal

Or you could play him. If he's keen to keep hold of meal ticket.

Give him some hope that you'll allow him back in once he's paid of his debts to you.

Once done. kick him to the kerb. As well as getting in contact with CMS.

DO.NOT.ACTUALLY.TAKE.HIM.BACK.

Why did you let him take the campervan? You seem quite weak when it comes to him. I hope you get it back, but really why?

@Cantalever I have a big heart and even after everything feel bad he has no where else to go. Stupid me even feels bad he's staying in a van! I also know he will want to see his son, even if not me, what will he do with my van? I would never weaponise my child but it will be quite difficult for him to come back here without my camper.

I did a calculation online and it said child maintenance would be £1200 a month?! Is this right? It seems a lot? Is it means tested based on what I earn?

He may not even return!

And with his salary, surely he can sort out somewhere to live?

CMS calculates the rate, on the paying parents salary and doesn't take into consideration the resident parent's salary.

If he earns 60k a year and you have 2 dc, has the dc every other weekend for 2 nights he'd pay you £631.14 a month

I wonder if he has ADHD. That doesn't excuse the lying and everything else but could possibly explain some of his lack of organization and messiness. (And yes I know not everyone who's messy, etc has ADHD)

@WoodBurningStov thank you, that's helpful. We have one child. I calculated that based on him not having my DS overnight at all, as that is likely how it would be to start. I did think it was rather high though. Not sure how it came to that amount. It doesn't matter really, it was just out of interest. I don't need anything from him, and child maintenance shouldn't be used towards the money he owes me of course.

@Bigcat25 he absolutely has ADHD. I've tried to softly approach this a few times, he agrees but has never done anything about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

@TheShellBeach I very much doubt he would abandon his son. Even after everything and the lack of trust that is there, I know that he just wouldn't leave x

@purplegal for 1 child, no overnights and earning 60k a year he should pay you £552.35 a month

Kick him out for good.

Claim through cms.

Get your van back .

Kiss your 16k goodbye

Unfair - very helpful comment.

Once couples split up, very many men do abandon their children, especially when they find a new girlfriend and have another child.

Why are you letting him take the van? He needs to take responsibility and organise himself. I’m afraid I would not be enabling/supporting him to carry on not sorting himself out.

@WoodBurningStov thank you! Where are you calculating this as I used the gov website and it was so much more. I didn't think that was right x

@purplegal this is from the government website based on £60k and no overnight stays or other children.

Missed the picture off!

You aren’t going to get anything as he is incompetent with money and has always expected you to pick up the slack.

@FawnFrenchieMum thank you x

It was the gov website. I think you might have put earnings at £60000 a month rather than a year, which has given you the figure you got.

child-maintenance.dwp.gov.uk/calculate/complete

@WoodBurningStov oh 🤣 whoops! Oh well, Maybe I'll send him my original calculation, he won't bother to check then I might get some of the money he owes me back (just kidding before anyone jumps in to say that's not what CM is for 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Ask him for the amount you originally calculated. Be clear that part of it is CM and the rest is to pay back the money he owes you.

You'll be fine OP. I had an ex who was similarly useless with money. I too owned the house and wasn't married so asked him to leave.

It was the best thing I ever did. My DD was in nursery and I worked full time with no family near by. I managed. You will too.

You may well find he doesn’t pay you anything and you need to do it properly. I think it’s unlikely he’s going to pay his debt to you if he’s got bailiff letters for v low amounts. He’s used to you bailing him out.