Partner lied AGAIN.

[purplegal]

Hi - short story, my partner has lied to me so many times about money. He got a CCJ in September, I asked him to leave for a week or so. Eventually I decided to give him one more chance. I paid it off (£7k) and I arranged to have it removed from his record. All of his bills were in arrears, even our family cars had no insurance or tax and I sorted everything out. Paid them up and set up direct debits. We have been using YNAB, and I thought it was working well. Everything was there in black and white and I could see all the bills were being paid on time.

Friday evening just before we were about to leave for a weekend away in our camper I found an unopened letter, folded and hidden under the bed. It was for a £60 bill that had been unpaid and passed to a debt collection agency. I told him to leave alone. It is Sunday morning and I haven't heard from him.

I have found another letter in the post box today from Barclays with another missed payment of just £5. For reference he earns almost £60k and me just over. We aren't short of money. I bought our first property myself last year as he is unable to get a mortgage. I supported myself over mat leave and have paid so much money to bail him out, I now have some debt myself. I wasn't too worried as we had a plan to be totally debt free (including his huge debts) in just under two years. I can afford the bills myself but I am so scared of being a single mother to our 18th month old.

I guess I just need advice on

1. What to do now. I probably said I didn't want to speak to him before he left, in the heat of the moment, but I am so hurt he's not bothered to contact me.
2. How to go about co-parenting. Do I let him stay in the spare room? He has no savings and no where to go. He can use my motor home but it's not a long term solution.
3. Advice on How to be a single parent. I met up with friends yesterday but most of my close friends do not live near by and I just don't know what to do with my son today. I feel so lonely, everyone is celebrating Mother's Day with their own families and I just feel so alone. (My mum/family live several hours away)

Thank you for reading this long post if you got this far. Please be gentle with me, I know I should have run a mile away years ago. I am feeling very silly and like a huge failure.

TIA X

And you need to get CMS involved, to get child support.

He isn't self employed, I hope?

He’s missing repayments of £5.

I think you can wave goodbye to your 16k.

So - practical advice….

Hes already proved he can’t be honest with you where money is concerned.

First thing to do is make a claim with CMS for maintenance to be taken straight out of his wages. That’s likely the only way you’ll get any money off him.

Second, run a credit check on yourself to make sure he hasn’t taken out any debts or credit cards in your name.

Thirdly, write to the three main credit bureaus with a Notice of Disassociation to sever any and all financial association with him. Before doing this you’ll need to make sure you have no loan, cards, utilities, not even a phone contract in joint names.

Great news that you’re not married and the house is yours. You’ll thank yourself for this in the future.

What do you mean by bill contributions? Household bills, or joints bills you've taken on to bail him out? Remove his name from all household bills and transfer any bills related to his debts solely into his name. If you have a joint account you need to get his name off it asap before he runs up an overdraft and leaves you liable.

He won't technically pay any of your bills but he will have to pay for your child, although I think you will find that an uphill struggle. Start a CMS claim immediately and let them sort it out.

You can ask for the money he owes you to be repaid but if you honestly believe he will give you the money then I think you still don't understand how financially irresponsible this leech is. If you are trying to plan your finances I would mentally write that money off and treat anything he does give you back as a bonus. Unless you have a legal agreement about that £16,000 you are unlikely to be able to make him pay it back.

Tell him to move out. If he stays in your home you will never make a proper split. It is not your job to feel sorry for him, he's a grown adult.

He owes me around £16k - is it fair to ask this to be repaid over 24 months?

As OPs have said, and as your own experience should show you, you won't get it.

If you are eligible for CSA from him then at least that gets taken direct from earnings.

"How to go about co-parenting. Do I let him stay in the spare room? He has no savings and no where to go. He can use my motor home but it's not a long term solution."

If he uses your motor home, who is paying for him to be on the insurance? Who is taking the depreciation hit through added mileage?
Who is paying for wear and tear ( brakes, exhaust, tyres).

If you do let him use it, I'd insist on a fee, payable in advance.

As to where he will live, he earns a good amount and if he spends sensibly he can afford rent. If he has got into such financial difficulties that he can't do this then I believe that youth hostels offer inexpensive dormitory accommodation.

As far as co - parenting is concerned, you can set up some times for him to take your little one out. Museums often offer free kids spaces and activities. He can take him to the library and read to him etc.

If you do let him use it, I'd insist on a fee, payable in advance.

She would lose all leverage the minute she handed over the keys.

Also meant to add. Being as firm as I have indicated may seem mean but it is actually a caring thing to do. It is making a grown adult feel the impact of their choices. Sometimes this is necessary before people can find the desire and drive for change ( the proverbial "rock bottom"). If he faces and deal with this properly, he will be a better father to your child.
If you soften the impact of his choices ( when you have helped him out so much before and he hasn't changed) it just helps him avoid the "rock bottom". Offering excuses and blaming you shows he has a way to go yet.

"If you do let him use it, I'd insist on a fee, payable in advance.

She would lose all leverage the minute she handed over the keys."

If she had a contract drawn up and took a retainer then should he fail to pay up, return the vehicle, she could presumably get it returned to her as it belongs to her, however she of course may not want to be bothered to do all of this, in which case, I agree, she should not lend it.

I didn't think you could remove CCJs from your record, even if repaid, until 6 years time?

For now, ask him to move to the motor home whilst you look into your own financial record to make sure it's safe and he hasn't done anything untoward.

It doesn't look like he's going to change, unfortunately.

Make a claim for child maintenance.

Make him move out YESTERDAY!

Untangle yourself from any joint financial ties, bills, bank accounts credit cards, subscriptions etc.

Check their arn't any you don't know about via credit score.

He is not a reliable person to have in your life, keep away from him and the mess he has created for himself.

If you have proof of the debt to you then yes chase that but not before doing all of the above.

You will never get the money from him. You're on your own financially. He clearly has some kind of problem. Not only in the form of where his money is going, but the debts, the ignoring the debts, the passing off to debt collection agencies. OMG

Your life will only be a ''failure'' if you don't accept that you cannot build a life with this albatross around your neck. I'd be worried about him using your address. Send the letters back, give his parents' address.

Look after you and your baby and keep your job.

It's hard accepting that the father of your kid(s) is a wrong 'un. Believe me, I know, but accept it sooner rather than later for the least amount of damage done.

WTF is he spending 60K a year on?

Drugs? Gambling?

What kind of job that pays 60K a year allows someone to be so financially irresponsible?

Any kind of finance job requires HR to do regular DBS and credit checks.

AS it stands, you've lost all the money he owes you, if he can't pay £5

Make him walk

Perform credit checks on yourself in case he's financially associated himself with you or run up credit in your name

Speak to a solicitor about next steps

You can’t ask for a contribution towards the household bills if you’re going to chuck him out (which I hope you are), so you will be paying those alone.

You need to get onto CMS and get a claim in, that way he will at least have to provide you with some money towards your child.

You can ask for the debt to be repaid but honestly, as another poster has said, it never will be. I assume you didn’t put anything officially in writing when you paid off the debts to say he would pay you back at £x a month, so you can ask him but he can say no, and if he doesn’t send you it then there’s nothing you can do unfortunately.

You need to just think now about the future x

I would prioritise getting out of the current property as fast as possible. You just don't know when debt collectors might turn up at your door and you'll have a hell of a time convincing them he's an ex. And have to pay more of his bills just to get them to leave.

Move out ASAP. Sell up and go. That should be a high priority. Get your own place in your own name that he gas never had access to.

Secondly, I always find the term single parent rather odd. Because you aren't. He's still the dad. He can have the kids half the time. However, if that's not the route you're taking then you need to claim cms.

Thirdly, sorry but, I would assume you won't be getting the money back. I don't know why you paid his bills. He earns 60k a year so why didn't he pay them? He's a freeloading, piss taking asshole.

If you want your money back, take him to court. Just don't be surprised when the bailiffs turn up at your home to collect the money for you FROM you.

Alternatively you could trick him. Tell him he needs to pay the 16k back to you (immediately) that he owes you if you're even to consider taking him back.

Go straight to cms for direct from earning, don't accept he'll pay you privately he clearly can't.

If you can afford everything on your own then whilst the above shouldn't be to clear the debt at least it can to give you your financial security.

Thank god you have the house in your name and not married to him. You can make a clean break here op, do not be foolish enough to take him back.

But from curiosity how on earth is he trying to logically blame you?

Do not loan him the motor home. It will cost you.

Tell him to leave. You are not responsible for him. He can sort out his own accommodation.

If they are paid within 30 days of being issued they are removed from your file.

DON'T let him stay in your home or your camper van. He will probably drive it away or sell it. You don't need to look after him or worry about his housing. He is an adult man earning 60k. He can rent somewhere or stay in a hotel. Its not your concern. Please don't let him leech on you further. As to the 16k he owes, your best bet will be to get a repayment plan in writing and signed, (see a solicitor). I do hope the house is in your name. Good on you OP for showing him the door. Don't let him back in.. In a year from now, you won't know why you were worried about being free of this loser.

‘I tried to talk to him but he keeps blaming me or other external factors for his actions.’

This says all you need to know.

There’s very good advice up thread to put in force to protect yourself financially.

Personally, I wouldn’t trust him with your campervan either.
This man is a liability. Think of all those parking fines you’ll be getting!!

Unopened debt letters hidden under the bed? What a loser. You HAVE to cut him loose - he has a very immature attitude to fiscal responsibility and is more than willing to let you sort out his chaotic messes for him.
You don't need a guy like that girl!

@SheepAndSword it was served to an old address. He only knew about it when it showed up on his credit report. He did nothing about it though! I found out a few months later. He gave me permission to deal with the solicitors and I managed to have it removed providing we (I) paid in full!

@purplegal he is extremely lucky to have had you help him

Somehow you don't seem to have connected his inability to pay small bills, let alone large ones, with him also most likely having an inability to pay you. Did you really think you'd get your £16000 back?
Best to expect that's gone, and expect its the tip of a big iceberg. It's not a MH inability around bill paying if he didn't actually have the funds to pay either. You should know where his money has been going, if you don't, then he had a whole other side to his life that you have not known about for years. That's a lot of long term lying. Did you insist on him telling you where the money has gone when you payed it off for him - should be a minimum requirement.
With the extent of his lying, I'd be not wholly surprised if he lied about his income too, have you varyfied that?

Actually the smaller amounts of £5 and £60 ARE odd - have you got any idea what they are for? What was the CCJ for?

£7k is quite a lot. If he had a vice what would you guess it was?

This is damaging your health anyway with the worry, try to find out as much as you can then disassociate. I assume he's a good father and not violent so it can be amicable.

OP you can’t fix this man.
Youve tried.
Concentrate on your child, they need you.
You are financially astute , but seem to have a blind spot regarding this man.
Try and get your 16k back but chances are he will never ever repay you. After all that’s what he does.
Contact CMS for your child and also for your child stop letting him cause chaos in your lives.
DONT LET HIM BACK INTO Your home and don’t let him borrow your van!
He has run out of chances .
Check your credit rating and make sure you have no unpleasant surprises.
You will never have a happy ending with this man. Accept it and move on.
He’s already made you a single parent, you’ve been making excuses and effectively for sometime now.
Life will be better without him OP