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Original poster

Trust again after emotional affair?

46 replies

Sadie407 · 09/03/2024 22:11

Has anyone managed to move on and trust their partners again after an emotional affair? I'd be interested in hearing your story

OP posts:
JanefromLondon1 · 09/03/2024 22:14

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Original poster
Sadie407 · 09/03/2024 22:16

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Can I ask what happened? I'm in a similar situation by the sounds of it. Children involved also

OP posts:
LorlieS · 09/03/2024 22:23

Why stay with someone who has had an affair? Surely the trust is gone?

Original poster
Sadie407 · 09/03/2024 22:30

LorlieS · 09/03/2024 22:23

Why stay with someone who has had an affair? Surely the trust is gone?

I think it's very easy for someone to have that opinion if they've not been in a similar situation. I am interested in hearing stories from people who have managed to move on from something similar

OP posts:
Loubelou14 · 09/03/2024 22:31

No I couldn't and didn't. Tried but gave up and ended up happier so glad things worked out as they did.

LorlieS · 09/03/2024 22:32

@Sadie407 I guess you have to ask yourself if you trust him again?

JanefromLondon1 · 09/03/2024 22:56

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LorlieS · 09/03/2024 22:57

@bleughgreen Can't you leave him?

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 09/03/2024 22:59

OP

Often time is a good healer if your OH behaves. However, it never goes away and when watching tv and many cheats on shows/soaps if you watch them, it beings it all back

if you cant trust and this carrys on for a long time - your marriage is doomed

As it was an "emotional affair" the deceit is mindblowing and one rfears what may happen next. No one wants to be a fool of twice

Therefore, only you can decide

I hope you get the best outcome.

JanefromLondon1 · 09/03/2024 23:00

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JanefromLondon1 · 09/03/2024 23:02

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StarDolphins · 09/03/2024 23:08

Look at it like a glass, once it’s broken, you can glue it all back together to look like it’s fixed but it will never be the same, it’s still been broken. I personally don’t think trust can ever be fully restored after it’s broken.

I’ve seen 2 friends go through this, 1 clung on for dear life before just giving up saying she just won’t ever trust him again & the other stayed & is a shell of her old self, dosed up in antidepressants & just thoroughly missable.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2024 23:09

You need to be fully aware that the marriage you had is over. You will never, ever get back to where you were before he betrayed you because you'll never again have that level of trust. There will always be a little whisper in the back of your mind that he did it once, he can do it again. You will be creating an entirely new marriage with a man you don't know as well as you thought you did.

Hiddenvoice · 09/03/2024 23:11

My h and I got through it. We’re now 5 years on and I feel happy again.
It was incredibly hard in the beginning, I was broken, hated myself for staying and lost any confidence I ever had in myself.
It’s very easy for people to tell you to leave but when it’s your real life situation then it’s not so easy.
My h was open and honest about it. He gave me space to think about what I wanted, he answered every question I had, he didn’t blame me/our marriage/ our life, he didn’t deny it. He owned what he did and he told our family and friends what happened. I was embarrassed but the support I received helped massively.
I also spoke to the ow, I needed to know her side of it all and as much as he was the one to blame for what he did to our marriage, I do feel she had a part in the blame game as she knew he was married and still decided to go there.

I needed to get therapy to get back to myself- or a new version of myself. A pp is right, any programme or film with cheating in it ruined me and I felt like I couldn’t sit and relax. We decided to work on our marriage to see if we could get back to a happy place. It took a very long time to build up our trust but we built a friendship first and then our relationship next.
We now have a young family and are happy. We communicate a lot better than we ever have. I know people will think i’m stupid for staying and naive for thinking he won’t do it again but I seen how he was when we admitted it all. I seen the pain on his parents face when they realised what he’d done. I’ve decided to put my trust in him.

Original poster
Sadie407 · 09/03/2024 23:31

Hiddenvoice · 09/03/2024 23:11

My h and I got through it. We’re now 5 years on and I feel happy again.
It was incredibly hard in the beginning, I was broken, hated myself for staying and lost any confidence I ever had in myself.
It’s very easy for people to tell you to leave but when it’s your real life situation then it’s not so easy.
My h was open and honest about it. He gave me space to think about what I wanted, he answered every question I had, he didn’t blame me/our marriage/ our life, he didn’t deny it. He owned what he did and he told our family and friends what happened. I was embarrassed but the support I received helped massively.
I also spoke to the ow, I needed to know her side of it all and as much as he was the one to blame for what he did to our marriage, I do feel she had a part in the blame game as she knew he was married and still decided to go there.

I needed to get therapy to get back to myself- or a new version of myself. A pp is right, any programme or film with cheating in it ruined me and I felt like I couldn’t sit and relax. We decided to work on our marriage to see if we could get back to a happy place. It took a very long time to build up our trust but we built a friendship first and then our relationship next.
We now have a young family and are happy. We communicate a lot better than we ever have. I know people will think i’m stupid for staying and naive for thinking he won’t do it again but I seen how he was when we admitted it all. I seen the pain on his parents face when they realised what he’d done. I’ve decided to put my trust in him.

Thank you for sharing this. Do you mind me asking what your OH did, was it just an emotional affair with someone else?

I am really glad to hear that you are both happy. You're right when you say that it's so easy for people to give advice when they're not in the situation. My OH is the same in that he has never blamed me, our marriage and has taken full ownership of the situation. He is sorry. His parents know and were disgusted with him when they found out. I don't believe he'll do it again because he now knows what he'll lose. He also has a lot of guilt over the impact this has had on me.

OP posts:
juliaronaldson · 09/03/2024 23:38

@bleughgreen that is so sad. Can I ask how did you find out? And what did he do to drive you mad while it was going on?

I ask because there was period of time my dh switched. I suspected something was up. It has passed now and our marriage is completely different but I do wonder what went on during that period of time. I have a hunch and I've actually asked him but he swears I'm completely wrong.

RandomForest · 09/03/2024 23:41

If this happens as in many marriages it does, make sure girls if you stay, do not commit yourselves to a life of serfdom as many marriages operate on, men taking advantages of womens labour.

Change your thinking and place yourselves and your needs first and foremost, just as men do, you may get used to the independance by loosing the shackles and grow in confidence.

You may then make that leap into living apart if finances allow.

You have been given permission to love yourselves more than these stupid ungrateful men, it usually backfires on them in some way or another, whether remaining in marriage or not.

Hiddenvoice · 09/03/2024 23:45

@Sadie407 yes emotional affair, the ow lived too far away for it to be anything else. I read all the messages, they never phoned each other it was just through text. He also didn’t delete anything until I read through it all.

It definitely wasn’t an easy journey, I truly hated myself for staying for quite a while. I doubted myself, I shut myself off from friends. I just felt really low, it took sometime for me to feel angry about it all. Getting some support for me helped to figure things out in my head. He hates how it changed me and he knows that if I ever thought he would do it again then I’d be gone and our children would be coming with me. The trust was gone but we started a fresh and that definitely helped. We couldn’t go back to what we were before so starting a new felt like the best thing for us.

RandomForest · 09/03/2024 23:54

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I would say this kind of dynamic is extremely common, most men do not come clean, they minimise and lie.

Part of the damage is the gaslighting to their partner who they wish to shelve whilst they take a holiday from the marriage.

It's very damaging in terms of respect. The problem with emotional affairs is that the lies last so much longer, the gaslighting is longer, so harmful and very difficult to forgive, them for doing it and for yourself if you wish to remain in the marriage.

It's very difficult to remain with someone who has looked at you with different eyes, namely that of an idiot who was taken advantage of.

There is no perfect solution.

Deathbyfluffy · 09/03/2024 23:55

juliaronaldson · 09/03/2024 23:38

@bleughgreen that is so sad. Can I ask how did you find out? And what did he do to drive you mad while it was going on?

I ask because there was period of time my dh switched. I suspected something was up. It has passed now and our marriage is completely different but I do wonder what went on during that period of time. I have a hunch and I've actually asked him but he swears I'm completely wrong.

I had similar (I’m a man) and it was actually a relatively short bout of depression brought on by issues at work.

RandomForest · 09/03/2024 23:58

I had similar (I’m a man) and it was actually a relatively short bout of depression brought on by issues at work.

*What you had an affair and blamed that on depression and work related issues?
*

Mapleunicorn · 10/03/2024 00:07

I think emotional affairs usually do more damage than physical ones. He has developed feelings for someone else. That cuts deeper than just sex. Plus how can you be sure it wasn’t also physical. Cheaters will always only admit the bare minimum they can get away with.

My DH begged for forgiveness and I forgave him. We agreed to try. Only he didn’t really. He minimised and ignored it all, wanted to just move on, start afresh and pretend nothing had happened. I never trusted him again and it turns out I was right not to. He now lives with her and we are getting divorced.

it can sometimes work if your DH is willing to do everything you need him to but even then it will never be the same relationship. I’m sorry OP but the road back from here is a really, really tough one.

Kalettesarethebest · 10/03/2024 00:13

Tried, it was just a prelude to a real affair. Sorry x

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2024 00:25

Did he end the affair and confess to you or did you catch him out?

Feeling sorry for what you did and being sorry you got caught are definitely not the same thing.

BigAnne · 10/03/2024 00:31

Sadie407 · 09/03/2024 22:11

Has anyone managed to move on and trust their partners again after an emotional affair? I'd be interested in hearing your story

I stayed. I was unhappy and empty inside. I felt pathetic and felt that my friends lost respect for me. Two days after I decided I couldn't go on in my marriage my DH died. Sounds harsh but problem solved.