Trust again after emotional affair?

[Sadie407]

Has anyone managed to move on and trust their partners again after an emotional affair? I'd be interested in hearing your story

I'm only 5 months in from finding out and currently going through the anger phase. The feelings you had about yourself are exactly how I feel right now and it's so so hard. I have just started therapy and I'm really hoping it helps. I'll never be the same person I was before and he knows that. I can't imagine my life without him which is why I am really trying to make it work.

What did you do to start fresh?

She lives in a different country and he has never met her so I know for definite it was never physical.

I feel so sorry for women having therapy because of something their bloke did.

An old partner of mine had an affair and I found out by reading the messages between him and her.

Limped on for a bit and I just thought 'nah, I just can't respect this lying twat a moment longer' and that was that

He got caught. Admitted to everything after. I also contacted ow and got her version of events which were the same as his so I know he was truthful in what he told me had gone on.

Bad mental health was a factor in both parts. I knew he was struggling before I discovered it and had encouraged him to get help which he did. She was depressed, unhappy in her marriage and was using alcohol a lot at the time to cope. Both said it never would've gone anywhere. They live is separate countries but know each other through work. They've never met either.

@BigAnne I wasn't expecting that to be the ending of your reply! Sorry for your loss. I'm guessing his death was sudden?

Yes it was sudden and unexpected due to covid. However I am happy with moments of sadness.

It has been three months since I discovered DH's emotional affair with a coworker. So I don't have a happy ending for you yet.

He's really trying. Genuinely remorseful. But at this stage I just feel empty.

I don't know what the answer is OP. But I hope you and I can both come out of this stronger and find happiness somewhere.

@Deathbyfluffy
@juliaronaldson
@RandomForest

I could be wrong, but I read DeathbyFluffy's reply as if he is saying he had a period of acting different than usual, but he was experiencing work-related depression and not having an affair.

Just a thought. @Deathbyfluffy, please advise.

Mumsnet is not the place to go to hear stories of successful reconciliations and insight into how it was achieved.

Get yourself onto Surviving Infidelity and their reconciliation forum. If you haven’t come across ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ get a copy so you understand what’s expected of your husband then pass it to him.

Reconciliation is a long and drawn out process. It involves the cheat doing everything in their power to build trust up and show they’re a safe partner again. I remember being told that it’s like a bucket that gets filled one drop at a time with every consistent, empathic and thoughtful action. This can take years.

However, I don’t think I’ll ever blindly trust anyone (romantically) again and you know what - I’m thankful for that. My blind trust in my husband led to a huge trauma. I trust myself and put me first now.

But as I say ‘surviving Infidelity’ is the forum for you as the posters there are really helpful at helping you recognise safe and unsafe behaviours and supporting you if you’re determined to reconcile.

Starting out on this road was hard as I was so conscious it was considered ‘weak’. I was full of shame and annoyance at myself, but deep down I knew that it would make me happier.

FWIW I’m so SO glad I made the decisions I did as I am genuinely happy and although I haven’t forgiven or forgotten, we have moved on, together.

I think it’s possible but as @Hiddenvoice has described, it takes years and years of hard work. And it’s not a case of going back to normal but building something new and different.

Your DH needs to understand that for it to work. Being the guilty party naturally means wanting to put it behind you, move on, minimising it - and that’s just not going to cut it, it’s damaging for the wronged party.

I genuinely didn't know where else to go for advice on this which is why I came here. I have never heard of Surviving Infidelity forum but this is definitely something I will look at.

I know everyone's story is completely different but I guess I just wanted to know of other people who have stayed after an affair because at the minute I feel like a fool for even trying so hearing other people's stories helps.

I stayed, wasted whole bunch of years, cheating does not happen in isolation and he was an asshole in many other ways too

And Surviving Infidelity is where to go! It not the bleak picture it appears to be on mumsnet. There are plenty of happy, well adjusted women in reconciled relationships that don’t spend their lives wringing their hands and feeling bitter. Trust can be rebuilt and you can move through it IF the cheat truly wants to repair and is prepared work hard to make you feel safe again.

The reconciliation forum will tell you it like it is but they do understand and will give you sage advice. There are other forums so surviving infidelity isn’t just about repairing it’s about surviving this traumatic experience.

You’re very early on, and the pain will be palpable. I found a list the other day with my pros and cons for staying written on it, weirdly there were far more cons that pros, but ultimately the few pros won out because they were so aligned with the things most important to me.

Have a look around that site and that forum and you’ll see so many commonalities and some answers to your questions.

Good luck whatever you decide in the long run!

Thank you so much ♥️

HE has to be the one rebuilding your trust, because currently you would be foolish to trust this untrustworthy person.

I wonder, is he posting on any forums asking how to rebuild the trust he has shattered? This has to be on him, not on you.

Absolutely agree with @Susieb2023. Go to Surviving Infidelity, loads of good stuff on there, plus no judgment. They don’t pussyfoot around anything either however and healing is the goal, with reconciliation as a possibility, dependent on many things and not always the answer or a good idea for everyone.

No I didn’t forgive. I lost respect for him and for me it’s very important to admire the man I am with. To me someone who does this behind his spouse’s back is just a scum and ridiculous kind of person. I like men of good character.
Second I have high self-esteem and I think a man who does this doesn’t deserve to be woth someone like me. He is too small. I can do better.
By the way since I left him I have met men who are way better than him.

I have an aunt whose husband cheated when they were early on In their marriage with young children. They stayed together. Now, 25 ish years on the children are grown and they have a really lovely relationship. Like the best I know for people in their 50s - very active, do lots of travelling and have a laugh together.

I don’t think I could ever forgive cheating, but I can see that in their case they have managed to have a wonderful relationship after cheating. My guess is that they are in the vast minority though.

I am one year on, still with my husband. Moments of anger still get me but less and less. The relationship has changed some parts even improved.

There is no contact with the other woman unless it is essential work related. I am not happy they work in the same building and I look forward to when one of them leaves. Her husband/family dont know. I have made enough breadcrumbs available that if he were to look he would find out. Sometimes I think I should just post the screenshots to him and other times I think it's not my job to tell him.

I have become more me, have time for me, lost weight, have confidence. We are now equal partners, we go out more, the sex has improved.

My husband was a "good boy" for 2 years. He then went back to his old ways. I hope this doesn't happen to you.

I'm a different me to the pre-affair me. I am mentally stronger, sexier more confident. My friends are supportive and loving. My world has already been destroyed he can't do that again.
I should have trusted my instinct when it was going on, I let myself down and that won't happen again.

If it were to happen again the affair person will be more than welcome to him. He will be a proven lier, age 50, shelling out money for teen kids that would hate him. His work reputation would be damaged and there would be little cash for him to splash about and run his middle age cock mobile.