Page 5 | Husband refuses to do a day trip to countryside to visit my good friend & her partner

SabrinaLina · 2024-03-07T23:50:00+00:00

I live in London with my husband. I have a very good friend (friends since childhood - so for 20 years) who lives with her partner & two young kids in a village in the countryside just outside of London She and her partner have come to visit us for the day. She has invited us to go and see them for a day in late spring/early summer. She has activities in mind (there's lots to do near her - nice country pubs and nature things, which would be nice at that time of year when the sun is out). I do sometimes see her on my own. But this would be a 'couple' thing, because her husband would be there too. My husband gets on with them but says he doesn't have loads in common (which is fine). They are kind, fun and easy-going people. I would like to go, and I said to my husband that I'd like him to come too. I hardly ever ask him to do trips like this. But he refuses, saying that he doesn't want to use up a Saturday doing that. He says that they 'aren't family' so he shouldn't have to. The travel would be about 2 hours door-to-door (due to having to get to the train station, then a 1-hour train journey to her village). I think he should make the effort and come. Do others think so too? Would your partners come along if you asked them to?

Original poster

SabrinaLina · 15/04/2024 00:28

I brought this potential visit up again, to see if my husband had changed his mind - but he says it is definitely a no. His reasons are that he can't be bothered, he has to work hard during the week so needs a break on Saturdays, and they they're 'not family' so he shouldn't feel he has to.

I really hardly ever try and persuade him to come along to things. In the last three weeks, I have been for dinner at a friend's house (hosted by a couple - she and her partner), a cousin's wedding, and a good friend's leaving do, alone. He was invited to all of these, but he wasn't keen. I just accepted it and didn't push for him to come.

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 15/04/2024 01:10

I suggest couple therapy and the therapist can explain to him that some level of going to events with your partner is expected and normal and refusing to ever damages your relationship over time. I’d also not go to anything with him for a while; he gets to feel
you go out and you’re a couple because you go to things he wants to. I’d call it evens and we don’t go to each others things, we do go to counselling; I will tell my friend we are going through a bit of a rough patch and you won’t be coming out. He may get his back up at you being so honest, stay calm and say it’s the truth. Your refusal to ever accompany me socially is hurting our relationship. I’m hurt and lonely. We are definitely going through a rough patch, that you don’t agree just makes you self-centred and it more true.

MariaVT65 · 15/04/2024 03:49

I actually disagree with PP. i honestly have never found the need to be socially attached to my husband all the time. I wouldn’t ever think of taking my DH to a friend’s leaving do if it’s MY work. Though i’ve never been to a work do where partners are invited tbh. We’ve definitely attended weddings by ourselves.

Honestly I also think it’s a man thing. They are not always as social as women in terms of finding it easy to make small talk with people they don’t know very well.

I think you need to let this go and enjoy some independence.

Lupuswarriors · 15/04/2024 06:08

I'm with your husband on this one. They are your friends and he doesn't want to go...he's not stopping you from going tho but doesn't want to waste his day doing this which I think is fair enough.

waftabout · 15/04/2024 06:17

You're clearly not going to change his mind so now it's about what to say to your friend.

You can be honest and say he likes his weekend time to be chilled.
Or you can say you'd rather have 1:1 time with her or he can 'drop out' last minute this time.

I think it's ok for him not to want to go. It's a long trip for a day out too.

My partner isn't very sociable and that's fine. 2-3 times a year we agree he'll come to something like a big birthday or a special day out if it's a couples thing. My friends like to see him and I like to prove he's not dead or hasn't left me. 👍

letsgoskiing · 15/04/2024 06:18

Do you have kids? If not, consider leaving. His selfishness will only get worse and what does he think kids will do to his precious weekends?

olympicsrock · 15/04/2024 06:28

I’m with you OP. There are occasions in life where it is a couples or family thing .

If the DH/ OH won’t join in , it becomes obvious that they don’t want to socialise with a group of friends and makes it difficult for OP to reciprocate hospitality. Who would want to come to a house where DH can’t be bothered to spend time with you.

My DH doesn’t like to make the effort with my friends but he know that I want to have a social life so he reluctantly joins in. It is not very frequently.
YANBU OP.

Temporaryname158 · 15/04/2024 11:20

The fact he is unwilling to make any effort for you needs to be accepted or you need to leave him. Is this something you are happy to do (alone) for the rest of your life?

NoSnowdrop · 15/04/2024 11:24

It’s up to him, I wouldn’t want to do a “couples” visit because the woman of the couple would be around during the weekend my Dh visited his mate.

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 15/04/2024 20:54

MariaVT65 · 15/04/2024 03:49

I actually disagree with PP. i honestly have never found the need to be socially attached to my husband all the time. I wouldn’t ever think of taking my DH to a friend’s leaving do if it’s MY work. Though i’ve never been to a work do where partners are invited tbh. We’ve definitely attended weddings by ourselves.

Honestly I also think it’s a man thing. They are not always as social as women in terms of finding it easy to make small talk with people they don’t know very well.

I think you need to let this go and enjoy some independence.

What has the ops request got to do with independence? Why can't op want her partner to go ? What is wrong in expecting her partner to go simply because (I hope you're sitting down for this) she wants him to go with her... why can't said partner see that op is asking something from him that he can absolutely do and consider doing it simply to make his partner happy. not do what she says every day.. not to pander to her.. just simply see on this occasion she's asked him to go with her because she wants or needs him there. 🤔

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 15/04/2024 21:03

@SabrinaLina op I really have no idea why so many posters feel your request is massive and they are with your hubby on this blah blah blah. You are not asking for too much and if you can't ask your hubby to do something with you, who are you meant to ask ?? It's clear you don't ask for too much from what you said and instead of your husband seeing this, it seems it's gone to his head. In a marriage, if you can support or make social events together as a couple because one wants the other to attend then you should. You are after all MARRIED!!

Original poster

SabrinaLina · 16/04/2024 22:55

Temporaryname158 · 15/04/2024 11:20

The fact he is unwilling to make any effort for you needs to be accepted or you need to leave him. Is this something you are happy to do (alone) for the rest of your life?

Hi @Temporaryname158 , no I am not happy about it at all. I feel gutted he's like this. Before we got married, he wasn't like this and he came along to things more happily.

OP posts:

Original poster

SabrinaLina · 16/04/2024 23:06

Lampslights · 08/03/2024 08:38

Bit odd behaviour, most people would go. Is he normally like this, unsupportive of you and selfish?

On the few other occasions I've asked him to come to something over the past few years where it isn't super easy to get to, he often makes a big fuss.

For example, last summer I asked if he could come to my cousin's wedding. All my immediate family would be there, and other wider family, and it would have felt odd to turn up without him. He did come in the end, but he made a huge fuss about it.

He is normally ok to socialise if it's for a short time and he doesn't have to travel far. E.g. brunch in central London.

He is confident and appears sociable when he is with other people. Social anxiety is not the issue.

OP posts:

Fulshaw · 17/04/2024 07:56

This is not good OP. You’re going to spend your marriage feeling embarrassed, awkward and resentful. I’m not sure what you should do if he won’t listen.

Scintella · 17/04/2024 08:07

Hmmmm -not good -I would say going to family weddings and funerals is a given.

So he doesn’t care if you accompany him to things or not?

Mumofoneandone · 17/04/2024 08:20

SabrinaLina · 15/04/2024 00:28

I brought this potential visit up again, to see if my husband had changed his mind - but he says it is definitely a no. His reasons are that he can't be bothered, he has to work hard during the week so needs a break on Saturdays, and they they're 'not family' so he shouldn't feel he has to.

I really hardly ever try and persuade him to come along to things. In the last three weeks, I have been for dinner at a friend's house (hosted by a couple - she and her partner), a cousin's wedding, and a good friend's leaving do, alone. He was invited to all of these, but he wasn't keen. I just accepted it and didn't push for him to come.

Very telling the 'I can't be bothered ' statement. Sadly, as a married adult, sometimes we have to suck things up and do things we don't really want to. Sad that you've had to go to several events on your own recently.
Might be a sign of something like depression or another issue that needs bottoming out....
I'd be honest with your friend and just say get a date sorted that suits the 3 of you and not to worry about DH at the moment. Even if he does agree to go, he's likely to drop out last minute anyway, which is worse.
My DH doesn't always want to join in friend/family activities - sometimes this is ok, other times not. He usually wants me to go to any of his family/friend events but I now don't always go.....

jannier · 17/04/2024 08:38

BlokeHereInPeace · 07/03/2024 23:56

Can I offer the possible partner perspective? Perhaps he has other things he wants to do. Perhaps he is an introvert and doesn't want to spend a day with people he doesn't know. The husband of your friend is there because he lives there, I guess, but he's had them or your friend in his house and now wants to do what he wants to do.

Wouldn't you prefer to see your friend without your bloke and her bloke hanging around the edge?

Hope it's ok to put the point of view, apologies if not.

But it's about doing things in turn not just what you prefer to do....how about he goes and takes kids around the farm or activity that's planned and lets her talk without worrying about the kids then rather than him having a free day while mum is still doing childcare?
Should we only do what we want to do on our time off sod the partner or kids then?
Would you say that if you're invited as a couple to dinner with your ohs friends it's fine to say go without me and leave the friends partner eating as a spare part?

unhappywskid · 28/07/2024 23:55

SabrinaLina · 15/04/2024 00:28

I brought this potential visit up again, to see if my husband had changed his mind - but he says it is definitely a no. His reasons are that he can't be bothered, he has to work hard during the week so needs a break on Saturdays, and they they're 'not family' so he shouldn't feel he has to.

I really hardly ever try and persuade him to come along to things. In the last three weeks, I have been for dinner at a friend's house (hosted by a couple - she and her partner), a cousin's wedding, and a good friend's leaving do, alone. He was invited to all of these, but he wasn't keen. I just accepted it and didn't push for him to come.

Here. It's not just about going to visit your friends. He's refused to attend other events as well. It does sound like he's an introvert. Has he always been like this? And the fact that he said he works hard all week and would rather just chill, maybe he's exhausted? Or even an exhausted introvert?
A friend's husband is like that, he's never really been keen on visiting people or going to parties etc. As it turns out, he is an introvert, so he's much more comfortable at home or doing things with his family than anything else.

Disturbia81 · 29/07/2024 08:57

NoSnowdrop · 15/04/2024 11:24

It’s up to him, I wouldn’t want to do a “couples” visit because the woman of the couple would be around during the weekend my Dh visited his mate.

Exactly.. just go enjoy your friend OP and let your husband be at home where he wants to be.
I would hate to be forced to do couples stuff. Infact I never did like it in my long relationship, always preferred individual stuff. We spent all our time together at home and it was happy, but I didn't like the whole enforced socialising thing.