Husband refuses to do a day trip to countryside to visit my good friend & her partner

[SabrinaLina]

I live in London with my husband. I have a very good friend (friends since childhood - so for 20 years) who lives with her partner & two young kids in a village in the countryside just outside of London

She and her partner have come to visit us for the day. She has invited us to go and see them for a day in late spring/early summer. She has activities in mind (there's lots to do near her - nice country pubs and nature things, which would be nice at that time of year when the sun is out).

I do sometimes see her on my own. But this would be a 'couple' thing, because her husband would be there too. My husband gets on with them but says he doesn't have loads in common (which is fine). They are kind, fun and easy-going people.

I would like to go, and I said to my husband that I'd like him to come too. I hardly ever ask him to do trips like this. But he refuses, saying that he doesn't want to use up a Saturday doing that. He says that they 'aren't family' so he shouldn't have to.

The travel would be about 2 hours door-to-door (due to having to get to the train station, then a 1-hour train journey to her village).

I think he should make the effort and come. Do others think so too? Would your partners come along if you asked them to?

Can I offer the possible partner perspective? Perhaps he has other things he wants to do. Perhaps he is an introvert and doesn't want to spend a day with people he doesn't know. The husband of your friend is there because he lives there, I guess, but he's had them or your friend in his house and now wants to do what he wants to do.

Wouldn't you prefer to see your friend without your bloke and her bloke hanging around the edge?

Hope it's ok to put the point of view, apologies if not.

Er...it's one weekend. Of course he should go. Otherwise it's going to make it awkward for you having to say "bloke didn't want to come".

Mine is not keen on visiting people but he would go if I really wanted him to.

He absolutely should go and my H absolutely would, but he's very easy going. Can he give you a better reason than 'don't want to'?

Clearly you want to and he should want to do such a simple thing to make you happy, unless he has social anxiety or a phobia of cows or something.

It’s a day, not even having to stay. He could make an effort. Would you include him in conversations?

Hi @crumblingschools , yes he would definitely be included in the conversation. When we're all together, it's very much a chat as the four of us. My friend and her partner are interested in others are are welcoming.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug thanks - he doesn't have any social anxiety. He's also not neuro-diverse.

And he also isn't scared of cows or other farmyard animals :)

Yes it would be nice if he made the effort. But he doesn't want to and he's a grown man so you can't really make him. He doesn't fancy it and be bothered that's about it. He might be bad company if he's dragged into going. You are obviously more sociable than him

What, visiting anyone?

Your husband's attitude sounds a bit miserable, saying he doesn't want to "use up a Saturday" [checks notes] going on a little trip with his wife and having a country pub lunch with another couple? I mean jeez, I'm all for being an introvert and for not living in each other's pockets, but did you catch him on a particularly bad day or is he always this much of a wet weekend?

I almost laughed when I read about him saying "They're not family so I don't have to", sounds like something a child would say! And I do totally get not wanting to be pulled into your partner's group of friends, but not to the point of refusing all potential visits on principle. Not until they've really cheesed you off, anyway!

It would make me view the relationship in a different light. I'd be disappointed in him. It's the sort of behaviour that would make me look back and see if there were signs of his anti-social behaviour and lack of support.
Does he have any friends that you see as a couple? Ever thought of turning him down to meet them? Or does he not have any due to how he is?

Not keen, no.

And perhaps your partner does a lot for you that she doesn't really want to do, but it's nice to do nice things for your other half sometimes

Your relationship with your friend is important. You value it, and you want to keep it alive. He’s being lazy and inconsiderate, as you are now left choosing between going alone, or dragging his moany-hole face there. I’d have one direct chat with him and say this matters to you.

Does he have any friends?

yes, he does actually have quite a few friends. He's quite a fun person to be around and his friends like his company. I go to things with his friends when they come up. But he says that if I didn't want to, he wouldn't 'make me' come along. (But I don't mind going, so that situation doesn't come up.)

He is a bit of a misery git, isn't he...

Is this a one off or does he have form?

Make a long weekend of it without your dh. Book into a nice hotel/b&b where she lives or not far. Relax and enjoy.

Next time anything came up where you were having to put yourself out a bit for him, I'd say 'I don't really want to so I not going to waste my time on that'.

Probably wouldn't make for a healthy relationship, but I'd have to be that petty!

^and I don't mean going out with his friends, because you enjoy that.

Well he sounds like a turd

Going against the grain here to say I would be totally fine with this.

My best friends all live hours away, and sometimes my DH came with me, and sometimes he didn’t, depending on what we all felt like doing.

These are MY friends, who i’ve known for 10+ longer than my DH, and just because we’re now all married doesn’t mean we all have to be attached to our men when we meet up. My DH is not a massively social person anyway, but for me it can also depend on how much the husbands have in common. My DH is little in common with my friends’ DHs, and it results in small talk more than anything else.

We all now have little kids and my friends and I would kill for more chances to just see eachother, without making it into whole family weekends.

My DH also sees his friends by themselves most of the time, without making it into a couples thing.

If it was every month then I can see why he would be annoyed but these sort of visits are I assume once or twice a year. My ex was mardy like this just anti social really. I assume you are quite young still, beware the threads on here of how many men become grumpy as they age.

Can see both sides

Not really that fun for him, as they are not old friends of his

But he could still make the effort

So the usual daily question comment 'if it was reversed I bet the answers would be totally different'

If my partner tried to guilt trip me into having to go on a day drip I did not want to go i would not be amused so no I would not do the same to him

I agree with him that he shouldn't have to if he doesn't want to. If spending time with you, your friend and friends DH isn't appealing to him then fine, go alone. Choose activities that don't require a 4th adult, but that will work for the number of people there.