Husband refuses to do a day trip to countryside to visit my good friend & her partner

[SabrinaLina]

I live in London with my husband. I have a very good friend (friends since childhood - so for 20 years) who lives with her partner & two young kids in a village in the countryside just outside of London

She and her partner have come to visit us for the day. She has invited us to go and see them for a day in late spring/early summer. She has activities in mind (there's lots to do near her - nice country pubs and nature things, which would be nice at that time of year when the sun is out).

I do sometimes see her on my own. But this would be a 'couple' thing, because her husband would be there too. My husband gets on with them but says he doesn't have loads in common (which is fine). They are kind, fun and easy-going people.

I would like to go, and I said to my husband that I'd like him to come too. I hardly ever ask him to do trips like this. But he refuses, saying that he doesn't want to use up a Saturday doing that. He says that they 'aren't family' so he shouldn't have to.

The travel would be about 2 hours door-to-door (due to having to get to the train station, then a 1-hour train journey to her village).

I think he should make the effort and come. Do others think so too? Would your partners come along if you asked them to?

I would absolutely do this.

And maybe they do what he wants to do every weekend. And maybe it would be nice to support your partner and occasionally do something they want to do. And maybe it might be nice to push yourself out of your comfort zone a little for one afternoon and go and enjoy some nice food and conversation.

They're your friends and he has no objection to you going but if he doesn't really like them and wants to do something else YABU to try force him to go 🤷‍♀️ he's a grown up and so are you so am sure you'll be fine without him.

I can just imangine poster's saying this if 'my boyfriend wants me to travel 2 hours to see his friend couple for the day but I dont want to go'

My DH is like this too OP. Over the years I've accepted it and I try not to force him to come along, BUT how do you tell the friend you are visisting without basically saying he doesn't want to spend a day in their company (which just sounds rude)?

Unless there’s a big drip feed coming about how he’s never willing to go places you want to go or see your friends & family, or he’s an ass if you try to opt out of anything, then YABU to make this an issue.

He doesn’t sound particularly interested in being close “couple friends” with these people, which is fine. He’s been perfectly pleasant for shorter visits & is happy for you to go see them, but he doesn’t want to spend half a weekend going out to visit them. He’s not trying to interfere with your friendship but he doesn’t want to invest that level of time & effort in extending his own relationship with this couple. There’s nothing wrong with that IMO. It’s ok (and arguably healthier) to retain some friends that aren’t joint friends as long as everyone can be respectful and friendly.

You should go though, and the idea of making it an overnight is a great one.

DP often doesn't join for things with my friends, even when other partners are there. I'm totally fine with it, it means I can stay as long as I want, have more time with my friends, and don't have to worry about whether he's having a good time or if he's inadvertently said the wrong thing to the wrong person.

There are certain people who comment on his absence, implying he's not making enough of an effort in our relationship - I always want to reply, he does make an effort, he just can't be bothered to come to your birthday party 😂 I think it says more about them than it does about our relationship.

That said, if I think back, we have definitely argued about it in the past, so I get how you're feeling.

I think that over the years, we've settled into a dynamic that suits us. He'll sometimes drop by for a drink or come for the whole shebang if it's a really special friend/event, but generally it's a bonus when he comes rather than an expectation. I think once the pressure of showing off my new partner wore off, it also got easier. Are you relatively recently married, by any chance? Is there still an expectation for you to go as a pair?

Also, is there an age gap? Because there is with us, and I do think this is a contributing factor.

Finally, just because he gets along with your friend's husband doesn't mean they actually want to hang out! I was told this on no uncertain terms...

Is it really a 'couple' thing - or is it just a case her husband will be there? In my home country meeting with a couple does not mean needing to take a partner and making it a 'couples' thing. It does seem to mean this in the UK though but I think its odd.

It’s totally fine.

You’re a grown-uo, you can do this alone.

And if your friend can read the room, she’ll say she will ditch her partner too and then you two can have a real cathing up.

It’s fine.

I don’t know why MN’s so often demand men have to be their chaperone, surely you can deal a day and a train on your own.

If you don't want to do something, I guess it's valid to say so. If nothing else, it sounds a very long journey for a day out and, like him, I can imagine not wanting to use up a Saturday on that.
However, if he's generally selfish/unsupportive of you, and this is just another example of that, that's different.

It’s not nice treatment of you by your H. Not to do something he’s not keen on, for you, for one day. Similarly to say he doesn’t ‘make you’ join his social things. If you were dating it’d be ‘not that into you’ behaviour.

Can understand why he’s not keen on it: doesn’t ‘click’ with the couple and lots of people don’t find things like pub lunches and country walks much fun with small DC. But it’s a small thing to do for you.

Unless perhaps something like he has v few weekend days off work or another regular, tiring commitment, or you make frequent visits to your family together. You’ve not mentioned any such circumstances.

Be careful, this can be a way of isolating you from your friends.

My DH has done it over 20 years to me, and now I just socialise on my own because he is so judgmental. Over the years there has been:

F, who he didn't like. Thought she was a dick ( in fairness, she could be a bit prickly). Refused outright to spend any time with her or her h. I tried to continue the friendship, but the lack of reciprocity became untenable.

T, he didn't like her or her DH either. Would make snide comments about them and I gave up trying to make the effort.

C - decided her DH was a prick and didn't want to spend time with them.

A - has decided that her DH has changed and says he doesn't have much in common anymore.

L - can't be arsed as he doesn't have much in common with her DH .

It's fucking relentless and makes it really hard for me to sustain friendships. Yes, I make the effort and meet people on their own, but there are times where it is natural to meet as couples and DH is a dick about it. He has a circle of uni friends and I always make the effort with them and their spouses.

Just watch out for this becoming a pattern.

He doesn’t support you or care about your support network, happiness.

im being blunt there but my ex husband was like this. At the time I allowed it to happen and gave people excuses as to why he hadn’t come to things but when I look back he was very selfish, and this was just 1 example of it.

I advise you to self analyse if this is a wider theme in your marriage. Does he support you in what you want to do/achieve? Or are you there to support only him. It should be a two way street and the fact you see his friends too and support his friendships and build the relationship wihh the them even if they aren’t ‘your’ friends suggests he should do the same and if he can’t be bothered to give 1 day, then I would review the relationship as I found when we had had children that selfishness came to the fore!

He doesnt have to go if he doesnt want to

The answers would be different if it was the other way around

What happened to 'no is a complete sentence' which people love to bandy around, why does he need a 'better' reason than just that he doesnt want to.

I wouldn't want to go and spend my day off with DH's mates either, especially if it involved a two hour journey each way. Fuck that.

I think it's healthy for people in a relationship to visit their friends without their other half tagging along. You're not joined at the hip, after all. It's not as though you need his support on this trip, unless it will be stressful in some way? Have fun and enjoy your independence!

I think this is one of those things that you might not particularly want to do but you make an effort for the sake of your spouse. She wants him to go and it’ll be very awkward for her if he doesn’t. Suck it up mate, it’s one day.

If he isn't stopping you going he isn't isolating you. He just doesn't want to go, simple.

I go off all over the place without my DH and now we have a child she comes with me. It's never bothered me that he doesn't come because he'd rather just chill at home. It doesn't affect my social life one bit.

If you choose not to go because he won't come, you're isolating yourself.

I don't really see why you can't go on your own - you and your friend can have a nice natter while her DH minds their kids! ("DH has a lot on but I'm free, when works for you?") It's not just one weekend if you've just hosted them either...

Why it would be awkward?

I see my friends and their partners without DH all the time. They're not his friends so there's absolutely no reason for him to tag along.

What a miserable, selfish prat. I’d be very annoyed with him about this.

I can see his side of the argument, I point blank say no to going out with DH friends. I quite frankly don't want to spend my time off with them. I work long hours and my off time is for me to do things I enjoy. He is the same if I asked him to come along then most times it's a no (I prefer to use him as a taxi service).

In saying that parties/weddings etc we will always make the effort. Same with all family events we will go together.

Me and DH have our own set of friends it's very rare we do couply things with others.

I would just make a weekend or overnight of it. Find a nice spa in the area and pamper yourself.

Honestly it’s one day out to see your friends which would make his wife and kids happy and I’m just not sure why he can’t make an effort for one day.

It’s selfish “I don’t want to so I’m not doing it” behaviour. Sometimes we do things we wouldn’t personally choose to do because we love somebody and it makes them happy, it’s called compromise. He’s not really bothered about making you happy as long as he is.

He’s just selfish then, and won’t put himself out for anyone, not even his wife.

Yes my husband would come because he likes doing different things and spending time with different people. He would get a bit of FOMO if it was a day in the countryside when we spent most weekends in the city.

He would come if I wanted him to regardless

But if for some reason he wouldn't come I would go without him and stay over. Let him sulk in London on his own. I would stay over and get drunk and yap with friend, might as well if you are already there.