Husband refuses to do a day trip to countryside to visit my good friend & her partner

[SabrinaLina]

I live in London with my husband. I have a very good friend (friends since childhood - so for 20 years) who lives with her partner & two young kids in a village in the countryside just outside of London

She and her partner have come to visit us for the day. She has invited us to go and see them for a day in late spring/early summer. She has activities in mind (there's lots to do near her - nice country pubs and nature things, which would be nice at that time of year when the sun is out).

I do sometimes see her on my own. But this would be a 'couple' thing, because her husband would be there too. My husband gets on with them but says he doesn't have loads in common (which is fine). They are kind, fun and easy-going people.

I would like to go, and I said to my husband that I'd like him to come too. I hardly ever ask him to do trips like this. But he refuses, saying that he doesn't want to use up a Saturday doing that. He says that they 'aren't family' so he shouldn't have to.

The travel would be about 2 hours door-to-door (due to having to get to the train station, then a 1-hour train journey to her village).

I think he should make the effort and come. Do others think so too? Would your partners come along if you asked them to?

He says he doesn't want to use a Saturday -does he something specific on a Sat? Not to be overly simplistic as this may not be the point at all but could you make it a Sun instead, would that make any difference?

It's not "miserable and anti-social" not to want to spend your weekends with people you don't particularly like or have anything in common with.

Exactly.

I do wonder what the answers would be if this was a man pressuring a woman.

Well no, they aren’t family……but YOU are!

if it’s important to you and he’s a loving partner who cares about your wants and needs as well as his own, then it doesn’t seem to be an enormous ask to tag along for a very occasional trip.

To me though, it would come down to how selfish he is in general. What’s he like overall - is he normally kind and reasonable with give and take? Or a selfish arse on a regular basis?

Haven't read the replies but would it be easier just for you and your friend to meet up?
Do you have to involve your partners?
Also.l would remember this if shoe was on other foot.

If my dh wanted me to visit his mates for a day id probably say no. There’s only a few where we all get on well otherwise a whole day is hard work

if it’s important to you and he’s a loving partner who cares about your wants and needs as well as his own, then it doesn’t seem to be an enormous ask to tag along for a very occasional trip.

But doesn't that also mean that OP should respect his "no" and leave him be?

Part of being in a relationship is spending some time with your partner's friends and family even if you would rather sit on the sofa watching tv. Its also part of being a functioning adult.

You don't expect him to rock up every time you see your friend, they have turned up to visit you and now he declines to return the visit. You have spent time getting to know his friendship groups but he doesn't return that consideration. Its bad form and rather selfish behaviour.

Nice if he did agree to go. My DH would and had and I’ve gone the same for him. But I don’t always want to and nor does he. In fact, as we get older we are less keen on wasting our time doing things we don’t much enjoy…:

Anyway, he ought to be kind to you and agree. Ask him what the issue is?

OP he's obviously shagging her. HUGE red flags here. Get your ducks in a row, put your big girl pants on and don't do the pick me dance.

Just kidding 😀 genuinely surprised it hasn't been suggested though!

Part of being in a relationship is spending some time with your partner's friends and family even if you would rather sit on the sofa watching tv. Its also part of being a functioning adult.

I'm not really sure I agree with this - especially when it comes to friends.

DH and I have been together nearly a decade and I've never once spent any considerable amount of time with his friends beyond a quick "hi/bye" if we bump into each other while out. DH has never hung out with my friends either, nor would I expect him to.

Family are a little different in that you "marry into them" to an extent but even so, I regularly see my parents without DH and DH is often round his brothers' or parents' without me. We're married, but we're not joined at the hip.

You say "unfortunately DH had to work today". A tactic used by my friend to excuse her husband from many many social gatherings. It was total bollocks but we all said "Aah, that's a shame", and got on with things without him.

Why do you want him to go @SabrinaLina , if he's not particularly interested? It doesn't sound like he's friends with these people particularly, so why do you want him to waste a day?

go alone and enjoy the day. better than going with someone you know doesn’t want to be there.

Let him alone. He maybe doesn't like them all that much and is being polite for your sake. Make an excuse for him (stomach bug or something) and go and enjoy the day.

Go without him

I think he should make the effort sometimes but it doesn’t have to be every time. Maybe this isn’t one of those .

I have a Dh who is big on ‘couple things’. He can’t bloody seem to meet up with his friends or family without it being a joint venture. I just want a weekend to relax! Not making small talk with whoever’s wife even if they’re lovely. Just go meet your friend at the pub! I comes a bit from social anxiety (wanting me there to hold court for him) and a bit from ‘this is what we should do’ social expectations. He’s a people pleaser. And I am very much not and have a social battery that often needs re-charging.

Yes, there are times when you have to take one for the team, but sometimes you don’t. It’s a long way off still. Maybe re-visit closer to the time and see what everyone wants to do.

I wouldn't want to lose one of my weekend days to see people I don't know, 2x 2 hr trips then all the time sitting there just waiting for someone else to decide its time to go back. No thanks I'd be looking forward to DH heading off and me having the house to myself for the day.

DP would come if I asked him to - especially if it was a rare occurrence. Your DH's justification that they aren't family is a weird one - for some people friends ARE family, and you clearly have a close relationship with this friend. For DP and I it isn't so much about the event or the people we're going to see, but just being together, which is still bonding. I do plenty of stuff on my own as DP works shifts, but the free time we have we do prioritise each other - even if it involves other people.

Do you not sometimes do something because it's important to your partner, even though you would rather stay at home?

Thanks all. Some have suggested I can go alone and tell my friend that my husband isn't free.

I could go alone. But the idea is to fix a Saturday that works for all of us - she hasn't picked a specific day. So I will need to tell her that my husband isn't coming whichever day it's on. Which is awkward.

I hardly ever ask him to come on trips like this. In London I often do things with my friends without him.

I don't think that wanting him to come with me this time is being 'joined at the hip', as some have suggested....

As as said earlier, it is possible that he really doesn't click with these people and didn't want to say so before. Just tell them he is really busy with work and can't get any weekends free. If you were a man posting that his wife didn't want to meet his couple friends, people would tell you not to be controlling. You need to let this go.

"But he says that if I didn't want to, he wouldn't 'make me' come along. (But I don't mind going, so that situation doesn't come up.)"

My DH would say this too, but it's a non argument as I wouldn't really ever say no. I don't think it's a big ask. My DH would. Unfortunately (for me) he tends to 'win' because I don't want to force him...

Oh so DH just never wants to go visit them? That's odd given she's a close friend and it's just for a day. Is he like this with all your friends or just this couple? If it's just these people, I would dig deeper and figure out why not - might be they've offended him or made him feel uncomfortable without you realising.

My exH was like this - never made the effort with my friends even though I willingly met up with his friends regularly. It actually affected my friendships because I felt awkward always showing up alone when everyone else's partners were present. He wasn't an introvert or socially anxious either - I never figured out why. Our marriage ended eventually because his idea of marriage was 2 people who co-existed peacefully but had separate lives, a lot like his parents - which was obvious in many other selfish ways. Wasn't what I wanted. It was such a shock to me when I started going out with current DP and he would go out of his way to meet my friends. I still remember one event he was working late so I of course didn't expect him to attend- and he still ducked out of work and came along for a bit before going back. Unsurprisingly our relationship is much better.

I would explain to DH why it's important for you, and that it's not just about meeting your friend but also you two spending some time together. If he's still reluctant, drop it but also stop accompanying him to events. You'll soon figure out how much time you actually spend together that doesn't involve his friends and interests i.e how much of your marriage revolves around him.

Thanks @omghesbackagain . I can understand how your ExH not wanting to make any effort with your friends affected your friendships. It's good to hear your current partner is very different :)