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Original poster

Husband refuses to do a day trip to countryside to visit my good friend & her partner

119 replies

SabrinaLina · 07/03/2024 23:50

I live in London with my husband. I have a very good friend (friends since childhood - so for 20 years) who lives with her partner & two young kids in a village in the countryside just outside of London

She and her partner have come to visit us for the day. She has invited us to go and see them for a day in late spring/early summer. She has activities in mind (there's lots to do near her - nice country pubs and nature things, which would be nice at that time of year when the sun is out).

I do sometimes see her on my own. But this would be a 'couple' thing, because her husband would be there too. My husband gets on with them but says he doesn't have loads in common (which is fine). They are kind, fun and easy-going people.

I would like to go, and I said to my husband that I'd like him to come too. I hardly ever ask him to do trips like this. But he refuses, saying that he doesn't want to use up a Saturday doing that. He says that they 'aren't family' so he shouldn't have to.

The travel would be about 2 hours door-to-door (due to having to get to the train station, then a 1-hour train journey to her village).

I think he should make the effort and come. Do others think so too? Would your partners come along if you asked them to?

OP posts:
colourfulchinadolls · 08/03/2024 08:25

My husband is an introvert and really needs time alone. So do I, and I don't socialise often but when I do its often alone. One of my bestest friends often brings along her partner who I get on with well. Doesn't mean it needs to be a 'couples thing' whatever that even means-

I'd feel dreadful pressuring my DH into an activity he didn't wanna do. Free time and weekends are precious and he should be able to spend it how he wants.

I'm sure your friends are lovely people OP but your husband doesn't have to want to hang out with them all day.

colourfulchinadolls · 08/03/2024 08:27

noideaw · 08/03/2024 04:31

DP often doesn't join for things with my friends, even when other partners are there. I'm totally fine with it, it means I can stay as long as I want, have more time with my friends, and don't have to worry about whether he's having a good time or if he's inadvertently said the wrong thing to the wrong person.

There are certain people who comment on his absence, implying he's not making enough of an effort in our relationship - I always want to reply, he does make an effort, he just can't be bothered to come to your birthday party 😂 I think it says more about them than it does about our relationship.

That said, if I think back, we have definitely argued about it in the past, so I get how you're feeling.

I think that over the years, we've settled into a dynamic that suits us. He'll sometimes drop by for a drink or come for the whole shebang if it's a really special friend/event, but generally it's a bonus when he comes rather than an expectation. I think once the pressure of showing off my new partner wore off, it also got easier. Are you relatively recently married, by any chance? Is there still an expectation for you to go as a pair?

Also, is there an age gap? Because there is with us, and I do think this is a contributing factor.

Finally, just because he gets along with your friend's husband doesn't mean they actually want to hang out! I was told this on no uncertain terms...

This is exactly us too. Works for us perfectly. Not all couples need or want to be doing all their socialising together 🥰 thanks for summing it up perfectly

thisfilmisboring · 08/03/2024 08:33

noideaw · 08/03/2024 04:31

DP often doesn't join for things with my friends, even when other partners are there. I'm totally fine with it, it means I can stay as long as I want, have more time with my friends, and don't have to worry about whether he's having a good time or if he's inadvertently said the wrong thing to the wrong person.

There are certain people who comment on his absence, implying he's not making enough of an effort in our relationship - I always want to reply, he does make an effort, he just can't be bothered to come to your birthday party 😂 I think it says more about them than it does about our relationship.

That said, if I think back, we have definitely argued about it in the past, so I get how you're feeling.

I think that over the years, we've settled into a dynamic that suits us. He'll sometimes drop by for a drink or come for the whole shebang if it's a really special friend/event, but generally it's a bonus when he comes rather than an expectation. I think once the pressure of showing off my new partner wore off, it also got easier. Are you relatively recently married, by any chance? Is there still an expectation for you to go as a pair?

Also, is there an age gap? Because there is with us, and I do think this is a contributing factor.

Finally, just because he gets along with your friend's husband doesn't mean they actually want to hang out! I was told this on no uncertain terms...

I was going to reply but this is pretty much my answer.

I think some of the replies calling him selfish are unfair as long as he’s not trying to stop you going.

Merrymouse · 08/03/2024 08:33

Yes, he should come with you.

You don’t have to do everything as a couple, but occasionally making an effort and stepping outside your comfort zone to be sociable with your spouse’s old friends is just good manners.

MWNA · 08/03/2024 08:34

I'd hate to be asked to do this and would never expect my wife to accompany me on such a visit. Sounds awful! I would truly resent giving up a precious Saturday to visit people who are meaningless to me.

Phineyj · 08/03/2024 08:34

My dad is like @NigellaAwesome's partner. It is creating a lot of problems now my parents are OAPs - he's very socially isolated and my mum has to socialise by herself.

It's not a great dynamic. My PILs do socialise together and as a result their retirement's been a lot more successful.

DH would both go in this situation even if just so there's one of us to wrangle DC while the other one chats.

Phineyj · 08/03/2024 08:35

DH and I.

Lampslights · 08/03/2024 08:38

Bit odd behaviour, most people would go. Is he normally like this, unsupportive of you and selfish?

MzHz · 08/03/2024 08:40

She’s your friend, so you could go down on your own and stay for example

i would do this and when i got back i’d tell H that he needs to put himself out for you sometimes or you could end up leading separate lives to an extent somehow.

he sounds selfish and that is very unattractive

Muu · 08/03/2024 08:41

Mine would agree to go with no hesitation, but he takes travelling in his stride.

I’m the homebody. I would go too because if you keep saying no to things you drift apart from your friends and the invites stop coming!

gannett · 08/03/2024 09:07

He's being a dick. When you're in a relationship, getting to know your partner's friends (and making friends with them, hopefully) is par for the course. And the invitation wasn't just for the OP but for both of them as a couple. Visiting your partner's friends for a day isn't a hardship or a sacrifice, it's the opportunity to hang out with some (presumably) nice people for a few hours.

I suppose if there's a back story about how he didn't like them when he met them, or he's snowed under at work and needs to actually relax at the weekend, that might make it OK. But "I don't wanna" doesn't cut it as an excuse.

Stormbornform · 08/03/2024 09:08

Poor form from him. I would go anyway and tell the truth that he's being a dick and CBA but that you're not going to let it spoil your day out.

Patrickiscrazy · 08/03/2024 09:30

I understand him.

MzHz · 08/03/2024 09:43

@SabrinaLina is he one of those tiresome London snobs who think they can’t breathe if they leave the ring of the M25?

think about what others have shared with you, don’t let him shrink your life.

inamechangealot · 08/03/2024 09:55

My partner is making the three hour drive there and back for an overnight stay at my friends because he knows I need to see her, it’s important to me, if it’s important to me then it’s important to him, that’s how partnerships work, I’d do it for him too.

TempleOfBloom · 08/03/2024 10:01

Some people seem to be like that: it wouldn’t suit me.

Unless the couple are rude and obnoxious to him or the activities involve something he is unable to do or extremely averse to, it just seems anti social and inward looking.

I know people are introverts, have social anxiety , want to sit in their own homes at the weekend…but it wouldn’t suit me in a partner.

It is a normal relaxed social development to start to build old friendships into couples and then family friendships.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 08/03/2024 14:54

Muu · 08/03/2024 08:41

Mine would agree to go with no hesitation, but he takes travelling in his stride.

I’m the homebody. I would go too because if you keep saying no to things you drift apart from your friends and the invites stop coming!

But they're not his friends Confused

Fulshaw · 08/03/2024 15:23

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 08/03/2024 07:14

Why it would be awkward?

I see my friends and their partners without DH all the time. They're not his friends so there's absolutely no reason for him to tag along.

Show quote history

Because her friend has made it clear it’s a couples thing in that her husband will be there. So OP now faces the awkward situation of saying…..what? He doesn’t want to come? Or make up a lie to excuse him?

Nomore45 · 08/03/2024 15:23

I'm shocked at the number of people on this thread excusing his behaviour. This is a one off trip to the country with the possibility of a pub lunch thrown in, it's not a day down the mines! My husband wouldn't hesitate to come with me and I would do the same for him. I agree with other PPs that this kind of selfish, 'I don't want to put myself out' behaviour is likely only going to get worse.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 08/03/2024 15:31

Fulshaw · 08/03/2024 15:23

Because her friend has made it clear it’s a couples thing in that her husband will be there. So OP now faces the awkward situation of saying…..what? He doesn’t want to come? Or make up a lie to excuse him?

Show quote history

Well, if it were me, I would just say DH was working, or visiting family, or had other commitments that day.

Not everyone is interested in hanging around with their spouses' friends and partners - I'm certainly not and I wouldn't expect to be guilt-tripped into it either.

DrJoanAllenby · 08/03/2024 15:35

My husband would not go if he didn't get on well with the other husband otherwise it tends to be two old female friends wittering on and shrieking with laughter and a polite awkwardness between the two men.

If he got on well then the two of them would bugger off and do their own thing for the day and meet up for food with us when arranged.

BeaRF75 · 08/03/2024 15:38

It's his choice. My friends all live a long way from me - sometimes my partner comes, sometimes he doesn't. Either is fine. Just go alone and enjoy the day.

Hoplolly · 08/03/2024 15:42

Maybe he just doesn't like them? I wouldn't want to waste my Saturday with people I am not fussed about and wouldn't expect my husband either. You want to see your friend, you could just go on your own?

Hoplolly · 08/03/2024 15:44

Nomore45 · 08/03/2024 15:23

I'm shocked at the number of people on this thread excusing his behaviour. This is a one off trip to the country with the possibility of a pub lunch thrown in, it's not a day down the mines! My husband wouldn't hesitate to come with me and I would do the same for him. I agree with other PPs that this kind of selfish, 'I don't want to put myself out' behaviour is likely only going to get worse.

Flip that around. It's also incredibly selfish to make someone do something they don't want to do with their spare time just because you want them to.

There's an easy compromise here, you just do your own thing. They're married, not joined at the hip.

Clearinguptheclutter · 08/03/2024 15:48

Assuming this sort of thing is occasional and he doesn’t have a specific alternative plan that weekend then he’s being a bit miserable and anti social.
You can’t make him, if he really won’t I’d make up a reason he can’t come and go alone. But see him in a different light from now on.