DH lying about pension payout

[OITNBfanclub]

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

give him a bit of a chance op, the fact that’s it’s a lot more than you discussed has probably thrown him.

because of what he’s offered and you’ve agreed about ‘spending it all in house repairs’ when you thought it was 4K, he may think that you will now want to spend all £8k on house repairs, because that’s what you ‘agreed’ when really he’s probably now thinking he could enjoy some of it himself or for other family things, which he is perfectly entitled to, maybe he thinks you won’t be open to that so is trying to decide what to do about it.

you being so on it about a letter coming and searching for the letter would really annoy me tbf, like you only care about getting your hands on the money, so I would want a bit of time to think too.

you jumping straight to his addiction issues when he’s not had a relapse for 15 years seems odd, like there’s an underlying trust issue which he’s must surely be aware of, and he thinks you’ll want to take it for his ‘own good’ or maybe he feels he has to ultimately go along with what you want because of problems you’ve had in the past.

theres a problem here op but it’s not necessarily what you think, so keep an open mind, rather than confront him face to face and back him into a corner I’d be inclined to text him and tell him you saw the letter, then see what he says when he comes home? Let him talk.

Is it too late to say you saw the letter, accidentally, and then have it out with him. That’s what I would do. I couldn’t stand waiting around to see what he does next.

Sorry it sounded so accurate OP but I just recognise the nodding along with the plans and even proposing plans that they have no intention of carrying out. It's all for an easy life. I think that's the key thing to remember - an addict will take what seems like the path of less resistance at the time. Whether or not it proves to be that in the long term doesn't seem to factor in, it's what's in front of them now.

At least your husband has tried therapy and tried to change - many don't.

You've made that up, she hasn't said that at all! Did you miss the bit he has two children under 4 to raise to?

Obviously he's planning to do something "outside the marriage", whatever it is.
Without being b*tchy, people do this sometimes. The money gives them a sniff at freedom they lacked for so much time.
I think like this, and my marriage isn't "unhappy".
(Woman in her 40s).

He came to me to suggest it! it was
100% and honest, open, mutual discussion. I told him it was his choice, he somply
cant feel pushed into anything by me with this.

My mind is literally blown at all the doom and gloom on this post. If my DH had taken a large sum, without telling me, my immediate thought would be that he was planning a nice surprise 😳
£9,000 would buy several new boilers and pay for quite a bit of work around the house, in addition to a nice holiday or new car. Why do you distrust your DH to this extent? It seems very odd to me, tbh, why anyone would be in a relationship with someone that they didn’t trust, and couldn’t simply approach about a question they had.

My mind is literally blown at all the doom and gloom on this post.

I'm impressed you're posting then, with your brains all over the place 😉
Unfortunately, relationships can be very complex, particularly relationships with addicts. And there are some relationships you might want to walk away from, but feel that you cannot, especially when there are children involved. You can love someone despite all their flaws, even when those flaws engender mistrust.

Exactly this, thank you for understanding. Addiction is very complex
and he’s worked hard to maintain sobriety over the last 15 years. However it started with secrecy which I naively made excuses for / ignored with catastrophic consequences.
as a side note to @BillyNotQuiteNoMates - it’s £8400 and for a new boiler for our home, replacing 3 blown double glass windows and a new carpet as our one is literally the threadbare now, there certainly isn’t anything left over for a nice holiday or new car! Or any other treats!

Reported.

sorry if missed but how long have you been married?

The current state pension is 66 in England

It is 67 for younger people

68 to 70 for even younger

There is an option to defer your state pension & keep working

Before you do mentally spend this money. Do be aware if he earned more than the tax personal allowance (around £12,000) last year, the lump sum of £9k will be taxed, as will the 4 weekly payment of £884.

So if he has told you a smaller figure, he may well be taking that into account.

State pension age is currently 66 in England
It is 67, 68 plus for younger people

However you can defer your state pension for a certain time period

I suppose the secrecy is triggering awful memories.

You need to speak to him however difficult it may be because all that will happen and is happening is scenarios running through your head.

I agree about his feeling his mortality and posters saying well how does he know he won’t be here. He will have to make almost 90 to see his children at 20. There is also the point that he may have realised that though he could live for quite a few more years what quality of life he will have due to how fit and healthy he is or isn’t. He may be feeling some guilt at having children at such an advanced age.

https://www.gov.uk/deferring-state-pension

Sorry, not wishing to derail but people keep posting this and it’s not strictly accurate that you can just defer your pension and then get a lump sum if you reached pension age after 2016. You can defer and your deferred pension will increase your subsequent payments by a small amount. This is what the Gov.Uk site clearly says. Within 12 months of reaching pension age you can decide to take your pension after all and can request its backdated, in which case you can get the back payments as a lump sum. After 12 months you are assumed to have deferred and you cannot do this.

People who reached pension age prior to 2016 could defer for several years and get a nice lump sum paid with interest.

I think it’s important that people understand this accurately as if you defer now it takes years to get the deferred pension amount back.

This would really upset me. If you hadn't seen the letters and asked about them, I wouldn't think it was terrible to not mention it while he processed it. But he knew you had seen them and lied about what they were.

Perhaps he wishes to read HIS letters in peace & quiet & reflect on the information first

Before speaking to you

Perhaps, he wishes to stop working & live on his state pension & personal pension

OP, do you want to be working at 66, 67, 68 ?

@BillyNotQuiteNoMates , £9K would so not buy several new boilers, and work round the house, and a holiday and a new car!! That's £20Kplus territory...if holiday and car are budget!

I'd like to see your figures for this claim!

That’s excellent advice. OP will you do this do you think? Tough but definitely a way to try and get to the truth without a big blow up.