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Original poster

DH lying about pension payout

412 replies

OITNBfanclub · 06/03/2024 20:10

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

OP posts:
JPGR · 07/03/2024 08:25

With all due respect why don’t you just ask him. You are going to drive yourself mad otherwise. Just say you inadvertently saw the letter. What’s the worse that could happen? If he is going to
leave (and I doubt it) then the sooner you know the better. Stop feeling guilty for looking at the letter. He is the one who should be feeling bad. You are supposed to be a partnership.

AdriftAbroad1 · 07/03/2024 08:26

I think it is the dishonesty that bother OP.

SomeCatFromJapan · 07/03/2024 08:26

I really don't understand why you didn't and don't just ask him.

ArrrMeHearties · 07/03/2024 08:32

I hope that there is a reasonable explanation for his behaviour for your sake

comingintomyown · 07/03/2024 08:42

OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 08:05

Thank you. I guess I just want to see if and when he tells me as if he doesn’t and then tells me a lower figure that tells me a lot and I’ll need to do some reflecting as trust was a huge factor getting over his relapse.

Show quote history

That’s what I would do, now you have had these thoughts the only way they can be proven wrong is for him to come to you with the facts

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/03/2024 08:46

I would ask him straight out-I couldn’t do the waiting. It will look weird next week when you tell him you saw the letter and sat on it for a week.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 07/03/2024 09:01

Hopefully, he was just a bit shocked when he say the amount and will open up to you soon.

MrsCarson · 07/03/2024 09:02

I couldn't ignore it, I'd say. Why did you hide the pensions letter? Watch him stutter.

Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 09:04

MorningSunshineSparkles · 07/03/2024 08:20

It’s his pension though, he can claim it when he wants. You’ve already said your finances are separate and you only want his pension so you have more money which defeats the purpose of a pension. It’s to see you through retirement not to pay your bills while you’re still working.

That’s absolutely not what I’ve said at all 🙄

OP posts:
Mix56 · 07/03/2024 09:05

This is going to eat you up.
I would say, "Oh by the way I saw the pension letter that you tried to hide.
Are you going to talk me about it or just pretend it's "Your" stash private little wind fall ?"

YouJustDoYou · 07/03/2024 09:13

Ahhh, I've seen this before. I reckon, he knows you're waaaay younger than him, so, in his mind he falsely believes therefore you may divorce him at some point (or his mates have been planting poisonous seeds in his head, as they often do) - he's therefore hiding the money from you as doesn't want to be rinsed in the not-even-on-the-horizon-yet divorce.

Or - he sees that money wholly as "his" money, and doesn't want to "waste" it on the house/his very young kid's needs because he's keenly feeling his age, knows he can't keep working forever so wants to hoard it all for himself.

Ramalangadingdong · 07/03/2024 09:13

Plantmother71 · 06/03/2024 20:18

i know suspicions have put you on alert and I’m not saying it’s a little odd but maybe it took him by surprise and he immediately thought of giving you a nice surprise which he’s still planning? Especially if you’ve had worries lately? If he’s usually a good man and trustworthy then perhaps allow him a day or two to see what he does? Or does he possibly have some secret debt that he’s going to pay off and doesn’t want to mention it as he’s going to use the funds for that (perhaps they e caused him worry). Or you could just say you saw the letter sticking out and looked at it - if it wasn’t properly tucked away he hasn’t hidden it and therefore you can’t be accused of snooping. I’m kind of torn as you’re married so in my view things for the house are for the benefit of you both, but then he’d worked hard over the years and maybe he has earmarked it for something in particular?

I love that your first thought was so positive. I always go to the negative first. So cynical. Wish I had your mindset.

YouJustDoYou · 07/03/2024 09:13

You have to talk to him op.

Own up. Say you saw it. Ask him simply about it, Stay quiet and wait for his response/excuses.

Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 09:16

AdriftAbroad1 · 07/03/2024 08:26

I think it is the dishonesty that bother OP.

It is. Exactly this. I’m probably over sensitive following the lies and relapse last year and it’s taken years to get back to trust and it just rings all sorts of alarm bells that he wouldn’t just share it with me straight away. Because we’ve been planning for it for a while with open and mutual decisions it’s really weird he’s not just happily shared it over dinner and has actively hidden it (or so it seems)

OP posts:
BardRelic · 07/03/2024 09:17

OP the trouble with addicts is that they're selfish. I'm not sure about the cause and effect with selfishness and addiction but I think even if the addiction is treated, the selfishness will linger and the addiction can come back.

And you've got a large age gap, plus he has small children whilst heading into old age. All of your plans, for the children, for the house, for the pension, might have seemed great while you were discussing them but the realities of them might not be so great for him. So the old secretiveness and selfishness will creep back. And the other thing about addicts, IME, is their tendency to nod along and agree, then do exactly what they wanted to do in the first place, whether or not it's what you agreed to.

So he might not yet have some big plan for that money. But his instinct is to keep it away from you and your plans and your shared life. To him, it's his money. And you don't have the evidence that he's got it. Given that, I'd give it a day or two. Then maybe at the weekend sit down with him and say 'I've calculated the backdated pension. It will be £xxxx pounds. Have you had any news on it yet?' Plan out different scenarios in your head about what he might say so you're ready for him. If you mention you saw the letter he will gaslight you. So decide what you want from the conversation and stick to your guns.

But look out for yourself and your children, because I have a feeling your husband won't.

Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 09:17

Sorry typo- relapse wasn’t last year, it was 15 years ago and catastrophic. But we worked hard to regain the trust, and got there.

OP posts:
Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 09:18

BardRelic · 07/03/2024 09:17

OP the trouble with addicts is that they're selfish. I'm not sure about the cause and effect with selfishness and addiction but I think even if the addiction is treated, the selfishness will linger and the addiction can come back.

And you've got a large age gap, plus he has small children whilst heading into old age. All of your plans, for the children, for the house, for the pension, might have seemed great while you were discussing them but the realities of them might not be so great for him. So the old secretiveness and selfishness will creep back. And the other thing about addicts, IME, is their tendency to nod along and agree, then do exactly what they wanted to do in the first place, whether or not it's what you agreed to.

So he might not yet have some big plan for that money. But his instinct is to keep it away from you and your plans and your shared life. To him, it's his money. And you don't have the evidence that he's got it. Given that, I'd give it a day or two. Then maybe at the weekend sit down with him and say 'I've calculated the backdated pension. It will be £xxxx pounds. Have you had any news on it yet?' Plan out different scenarios in your head about what he might say so you're ready for him. If you mention you saw the letter he will gaslight you. So decide what you want from the conversation and stick to your guns.

But look out for yourself and your children, because I have a feeling your husband won't.

This sounds so accurate it made me shiver
so I think this is spot on my fear.

OP posts:
Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 09:21

And you’re right, he is inherently selfish and has worked hard at that through AA and committed to our little family. But I think there’s always a slightly selfish aspect to him that underlies his commitment to our family.

OP posts:
MassiveOvaryaction · 07/03/2024 09:28

@OITNBfanclub my feeling is that he's not hiding it from you, he's hiding it from himself. It was ok when it was just a vague discussion, but that letter puts it in black and white. He's an Old Aged Pensioner. You're much younger, and you have young dc. I'd put my money on that letter making it hit home just how much older he is.

Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 09:30

MassiveOvaryaction · 07/03/2024 09:28

@OITNBfanclub my feeling is that he's not hiding it from you, he's hiding it from himself. It was ok when it was just a vague discussion, but that letter puts it in black and white. He's an Old Aged Pensioner. You're much younger, and you have young dc. I'd put my money on that letter making it hit home just how much older he is.

That’s helpful, and sad too as
I’ve always made clear we love him and know and embrace him and the difficulties that we know will come as he gets much older.

OP posts:
Stravaig · 07/03/2024 09:31

My worry would be a relapse, and that he's rationalised it to himself with 'I can take this X amount and turn it into Y larger amount (to provide for my family)'.

To me, the usual autonomy of separate finances, and expectation of retirement fun, was substantially curtailed when he chose to start a young family with you so late in (his) life.

Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 09:36

Stravaig · 07/03/2024 09:31

My worry would be a relapse, and that he's rationalised it to himself with 'I can take this X amount and turn it into Y larger amount (to provide for my family)'.

To me, the usual autonomy of separate finances, and expectation of retirement fun, was substantially curtailed when he chose to start a young family with you so late in (his) life.

I won’t lie. It’s crossed my mind too or some
sort of escape fund, which would rock us as that’s not what we planned for and trust each other for. Escape fund (to me) = anticipating having to leave suddenly and I certainly don’t have one.

OP posts:
Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 09:40

rwalker · 07/03/2024 06:33

I’m taking it you are younger could he of thought you see the money and decide to reduce your hours as this would finance it

you have separate finances but it so like you have plans for anything he get that would seriously piss me off if I were him

also there is the fear of when you get to pension age what money you’ve got gas to last indefinitely once it’s gone it’s gone no chance of replacing it

tbh it comes across as soon as he got the money you’ve got plans to get your hands on it and spend it

Edited

Not at all, we both work full time and only plans for changing work ls for me to take a higher paid role once the kids are older and in secondary school and a bit more independent. I don’t have any plans to “get my hands on it” it’s a shared savings goal that he came to me to discuss!

OP posts:
PhamieGowsSong · 07/03/2024 09:41

JumalanTerve · 06/03/2024 21:05

He might not want to spend it on carpets and boilers and doesn't want to have the argument by telling you this

This ☝️is my exact thought too. Who really decided on all the house stuff?

Dontblameitonsunshine · 07/03/2024 09:45

It sounds to me like an old instinct resurfacing from his days in addiction. You’re doing it right, op, wait a few days. Then bring it up in a subtle way and see what his response is. Wait some time before you reveal what you know as he’ll probably focus on that and not the real issue. It sounds scary and unsettling xx