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Original poster

DH lying about pension payout

412 replies

OITNBfanclub · 06/03/2024 20:10

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

OP posts:
coffeeatsunrise · 07/03/2024 04:57

I hope you get clarity from him soon. I'd feel very confused if my OH did not share the information received in that letter with me, especially as you had a plan for the money and have two young children together. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Howbizarre22 · 07/03/2024 06:29

OITNBfanclub · 06/03/2024 20:12

Literally can think of no reason he wouldn’t tell me straight away “good news, pension letter in, it’s a bit more than we thought so we
can get the carpets done sooner etc”

He probably doesn’t want to spend it on getting the carpets done…he probably wants to spend it all on himself some way.

Seems to be a few threads like this lately- men hiding their money from their wives/partners. Selfish. I’d confront him definitely.

rwalker · 07/03/2024 06:33

I’m taking it you are younger could he of thought you see the money and decide to reduce your hours as this would finance it

you have separate finances but it so like you have plans for anything he get that would seriously piss me off if I were him

also there is the fear of when you get to pension age what money you’ve got gas to last indefinitely once it’s gone it’s gone no chance of replacing it

tbh it comes across as soon as he got the money you’ve got plans to get your hands on it and spend it

Zanatdy · 07/03/2024 06:38

I can’t believe posters are going off searching for other threads and quoting them in a completely different thread. I hope they are deleted for troll hunting as it’s totally unnecessary.

Howbizarre22 · 07/03/2024 06:39

Op- the only way is to ask him if he’s had the letter, gauge his answer to see if he lies then admit you’ve seen it. Otherwise it’s all going to start getting toxic and secretive and will erode your trust further . Make sure he knows you need an answer as to why he was hiding it if he tried to cover up.

Codlingmoths · 07/03/2024 06:42

Zanatdy · 07/03/2024 06:38

I can’t believe posters are going off searching for other threads and quoting them in a completely different thread. I hope they are deleted for troll hunting as it’s totally unnecessary.

I agree, bloody rude and have reported a couple of them.

Toptotoe · 07/03/2024 06:46

I think the removal of the letter is very telling. You need to speak to him.
His addiction history makes this behaviour even more concerning.

sandgrown · 07/03/2024 06:55

State pension figures are readily available and deferral is only allowed for 12 months, which is the lump sum payment . Just say you are excited that you( as a family) will be receiving about £9000 and gauge his reaction.

Starspangledrodeopony · 07/03/2024 06:57

Is the huge age gap the reason why you’re too afraid to just ask him? I don’t understand why you’ve just not said anything and are planning to ‘wait a week’.

AhBiscuits · 07/03/2024 06:58

You need to just ask him. His reaction will tell you a lot.

AdriftAbroad1 · 07/03/2024 07:35

Morning @OITNBfanclub and sorry about the troll hunting.

I have some personal experience of this.

Reason (IMO) is he wants to keep it as security due to the 25 year age gap and the fear that you might leave him in a few years.

Thats all! You are in the position of getting everything due to ages of DCs (during his lifetime) because of his age.

It is insecurity and it leads to lies about money.

Investmentadvice · 07/03/2024 07:35

Just ask him: did you manage to get the lump sum money from the pension for the house repairs we discussed before? It would be great to get them done soon.

If he had a history of addition maybe it is related to that why he is hiding it.

Zanatdy · 07/03/2024 07:36

Codlingmoths · 07/03/2024 06:42

I agree, bloody rude and have reported a couple of them.

Show quote history

I have too, people need to stop doing this

Hallmark1234 · 07/03/2024 07:36

Not sure if this has already been mentioned, as I've only read your posts OP.

Your DH would've been due to receive his SP at age 66. You don't get it automatically, you have to claim it, so he's obviously not done it until now, so it's been automatically deferred. In that time he's accrued a bit extra (see Gov.uk) which is what the lump sum is. Now he has claimed it, he will receive the £800 odd every 4 weeks from now on.

As for him hiding the letter I just don't know what his intentions are. I guess all you can do is monitor the situation for a week or so and see what he eventually tells you. Only then can you decide how to play this, but I really hope he does the right thing.

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 07/03/2024 07:51

Hi all,
Thanks to those who reported and did not trollhunt - as you can see we have made several deletions on this thread.
We must reiterate that trollhunting is against our guidelines, always has been, and that we take it very seriously indeed. One poster from this thread has been suspended for a week.
Please don't do it, it derails threads of those who are innocent and is highly upsetting, and in the event that it is a troll such behaviour delivers the precise attention-seeking jollies that they were looking for in the first place.

pootlin · 07/03/2024 07:59

OITNBfanclub · 06/03/2024 20:32

its not looking great ☹️went downstairs to let dog out and drawer is shut and I peeked in and
the letter is … gone. This isn’t great is it ☹️

Did you by any chance take a pic of the letter?

Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 08:01

Thank you all so much. Slept badly thinking about it all. I think all these explanations could be true, maybe seeing it in black and white has made him realise he’s getting older and it’s “his”. The problem is when we agreed to start a little family he knew it was all in or nothing - not just money, everything. So swapping normal age retirement for teenagers / uni/ normal family life. And that includes finances as neither of us are in the investment banker squad (sadly). I find it odd he’d deny the letter outright but I’m hoping I’m overreacting and he just wanted a day or 2 to digest it and maybe feel a bit piqued at having to spend it on house stuff not a Mexican golf Trip (not that he would but maybe seeing it in black and white has made him go hmmmmmm). Or he’s worried I could leave him but given I stuck with him through a relapse 15 years ago and the very worst of time, I think I’ve proved I can stick the course and want to. I just hope he doesn’t try to lie to me as that would really undo the trust we have worked so hard to get back since then ☹️

OP posts:
Cathbrownlow · 07/03/2024 08:03

I'm sorry this has happened, pet. Without wishing to sound too negative, I think you should hope for the best but prepare yourself for something more difficult. What have you got to lose by just asking him outright what's going on?

Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 08:04

pootlin · 07/03/2024 07:59

Did you by any chance take a pic of the letter?

Show quote history

No ☹️all happened so fast and I didn’t think he’d move it. I had a look and can’t see it anywhere and he’s gone to work (I’m guessing with it)

OP posts:
Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 08:05

Cathbrownlow · 07/03/2024 08:03

I'm sorry this has happened, pet. Without wishing to sound too negative, I think you should hope for the best but prepare yourself for something more difficult. What have you got to lose by just asking him outright what's going on?

Thank you. I guess I just want to see if and when he tells me as if he doesn’t and then tells me a lower figure that tells me a lot and I’ll need to do some reflecting as trust was a huge factor getting over his relapse.

OP posts:
NotDonna · 07/03/2024 08:05

It’s very odd op. Sounds like you both had a very reasonable solid plan. No need for the secrecy. Did you work out the expected sums together? I’m wondering if he purposely told you incorrect calculations?

Does he have an ex-wife and other children or dependants? Im just wondering if he thinks 50% should go to them?

Original poster
OITNBfanclub · 07/03/2024 08:07

NotDonna · 07/03/2024 08:05

It’s very odd op. Sounds like you both had a very reasonable solid plan. No need for the secrecy. Did you work out the expected sums together? I’m wondering if he purposely told you incorrect calculations?

Does he have an ex-wife and other children or dependants? Im just wondering if he thinks 50% should go to them?

He has both, his daughter is grown up and independent and he has 0 relationship or contact with his ex wife. Had he wanted to share it with his daughter I’d have completely understood but again he didn’t mention it and was keen to allocated it to house / savings which we badly need.

OP posts:
Hallmark1234 · 07/03/2024 08:12

There is the possibility that the letter is only a forecast (that he requested) and he is still yet to claim it, but that doesn't account for why he lied that he hasn't received anything from them!

TwylaSands · 07/03/2024 08:15

Does he have any other children?

MorningSunshineSparkles · 07/03/2024 08:20

It’s his pension though, he can claim it when he wants. You’ve already said your finances are separate and you only want his pension so you have more money which defeats the purpose of a pension. It’s to see you through retirement not to pay your bills while you’re still working.