DH lying about pension payout

[OITNBfanclub]

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

I’ve not idea what @SecondUsername4me is claiming I’m on multiple
threads! I have an older (skinnny, hence my post in children’s
health thread) child from previous relationship and the little ones with my now husband. I was a single mum to my eldest for years and they don’t recognise my husband as their dad (completely understandably but have a nice relationship) so no idea what she’s phishing for!

Omg you’re quoting now 🤦‍♀️should have said WAS a single mum. I am to my eldest. I also have 2 little ones now. We are low income hence why this pension Would mean so much. Please stop stalking me
it is odd!

@OITNBfanclub have you spoken to your husband yet about the money?
Also @SecondUsername4me has quoted you above so... if this is a game, it's well and truly been sussed!

It’s not a game!
I think someone trying to play would go for something more thrilling than pensions😵‍💫
No he went to bed an hour ago so not spoken to him.

It was in a reply by the OP to another thread, not a thread started by her. Link: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/5020569-ama-income-over-ps500k?page=24&reply=133483716

Olloo

Last time I’m answering this-

I meant to write WAS not AM
a single mum, though to my eldest I actually still am because he is non verbal and due to his GDD doesn’t recognise my
now husband as a father figure which is fine. I do all his care, his choice, and my husband and I share the care of our biological children. We are on a low income hence my thanks to lovely mum who admitted how wealthy she is and to ask her anything. The end! All the rest is accurate. no quick work, which is just deliberately offensive.. Any comments not to do with the pension I’m not responding to, including about my kids with SEN.

Sorry meant to say - thanks to you all who have helped tonight. Agree it
is odd behaviour sadly and if he doesn’t mention it tomorrow I’ll have to ask him outright and I guess his face will say it all 🤷‍♀️

I hate the police of MN.

I always change little details & frequently name change (I've been on MN about 20 years I think!) because I'm so paranoid I'll be recognised or outed or end up in the Daily mail.
Thought this was normal practice?

Yes! The police thing is so odd. Grateful for any more help on odd pension situ but not keen to discuss SEN or child nutrition on this thread, happy to talk about it on children’s health if the police here want to hop over there 🤦‍♀️

Good luck tomorrow op

I meant to write WAS not AM a single mum, though to my eldest I actually still am because he is non verbal and due to his GDD doesn’t recognise my now husband as a father figure which is fine.

This is the 8-year-old daughter you posted photos of, who asks why she is so skinny?

It's best to pick one story and stick to it, or name change.

My guess is your DH is adding the lump sum to his escape fund.

It sounds like he may have deferred it and not taken when it was originally due. Many people don't realise you have to actually claim the state pension, it's not paid automatically. In this case if you defer, you will receive a lump sum for any payments that were due from your official retirement age until when you claim.

I don’t quite understand what the surprise/issue is? You’ve already discussed taking the lump sum now, and would know roughly how much a year’s worth of deferred pension would be ie £9k, and would know how much monthly pension would be - it’s all easily available info from HMRC.

All he’s done is overlooked telling you the letter of confirmation has arrived today. There’s nothing particularly secretive about any of this.

I can’t help wonder if there is some backstory we have not been made aware of here. Are there any issues or tensions about your DH needing to still work after the normal age of retirement? This pension is his by virtue of a lifetime of NI contributions surely you should respect his decision to think about how it’s actually spent together in the family pot.

My DH and my pensions are our own personal income - we do agree together how that is spent, but I wouldn’t presume I have the right to see each and every letter and nor does my DH with mine. We don’t have secrets but do respect each other’s private information.

Before the drama of the last couple of hours started, my first thought was that maybe DH wanted to use some of the money to surprise OP with a nice present to celebrate the unlocking of the pension, and didn't want the knowledge that the money had arrived to spoil that surprise. But maybe I am hopelessly naive.

Perhaps there is an exwife or children from a previous relationship that the OP is fearful he may wish to give some of the lump sum.

While you may have been making plans, discussing what will happen in the future etc, there's a difference between thinking about being a pensioner and actually becoming one.

Seeing it on paper, in black and white, might have been a bit of a blow to the ego. It's confirmation that you're officially old and on the way out.

A lot of people struggle with the transition to retirement. Even if he is still working, the letter will be a reminder that he won't be soon enough. This could explain his moodiness and not wanting to talk about it.

Well he has 2 kids under 4 so I certainly hope he's planning on sharing it

I would say “I saw the pension letter when it was sticking out the drawer the other day. I took a quick look at it to see what it was and then put it back. That’s great news and £9K is a good pay out. So we can start looking at boiler quotes now then?”

Just act as if the plans you both made are still going ahead and leave it up to him to explain either why it’s not or just to confirm the payout and plans. His expression will also give you some clues.

I think people are being arses on here and not reading the thread
I think you should say something tomorrow. Leaving it is weird

I agree the longest you leave it the more you are trying to "catch him out" and the more time you're wasting stressing about this. Be a grown up and have an honest conversation as soon as possible.