DH lying about pension payout

[OITNBfanclub]

Urgh. Sitting here in sad fog ☹️
recently my husband enquired about taking his state pension - he’s 67 and still working but also has another pension with his work and we could do with the money now for a variety of reasons we both have talked through at length and agreed on.
a few letters arrived today, all for him. I asked him over dinner if he’d seen them as they sometimes get missed on our cluttered hall table. I thought he looked a bit funny and he said oh yes, it was just our car tax renewal forms. And super fast changed the subject. My spidey senses tingled but I figured he was just hangry /whatever. I went upstairs to run bath and on the way went to lay out my keys and bag for tomorrow and stuffed into the drawer was a letter still sticking out like it was in a rush which was odd, so I took it out and one very quick glance seems to show it’s his pension, with a £9k payment being made this week and I think £814 every month
from now on. I couldn’t believe it, he clearly opened it, lied to me and shoved it away. Why would he lie to me and not share the good news? is he planning on telling me it’s a smaller amount and keeping some aside for 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️And what do I do now, confront him? Or wait for him to hopefully tell me the truth? I just feel really side hit by it ☹️

People talking about the plans to have kids in his 60’s almost making out he didn’t want this. OP has made clear he was more than signed up for this. My brother had a later in life baby with his new wife age 48 and I think he’s a bit miffed any early retirement is out of the window. But then he got plenty of years not working when his older kids were little and he was the stay at home parent whilst his first wife worked. Men have a say in having kids and this guy clearly realised the realities of doing so. OP has also made clear that she will be doing the full time work soon whilst he retires. Sure he can manage some school pick up’s.

"Oh I meant to say that last night I saw the pension letter sticking out the drawer as I was on my way upstairs. What are they saying? Is all settled now?" You have to ask.

New boiler prices start at £500 (£1000 would get a decent one),a decent holiday might cost a couple of thousand. That still leaves more than half to do whatever other bits need doing in the house, and you can do a LOT for £4,000

Where can you get a new boiler installed for £500, or even £1000?

I agree ☹️

So rude.
I love him, in good times and bad, and whatever care that may entail. He took care of me intimately after post-partum sepsis and wiped away far worse than my arse. You clearly don’t know the meaning of love or care. you’re disgusting.

If I were you OP I would speak to him ASAP.

You think addiction is a possible motive for him hiding the evidence of the money he will receive (and I think you said alcohol) so if he might have been tempted to fall off the wagon by a big lump sum that he's not had before and you can see a catastrophe heading towards you in slow motion - why are you waiting for it? Why not speak to him straight away and if he has been tempted by money that you don't know about tell him to get the money straight over to you and avoid this disaster happening for both your sakes.

If he just wanted to maybe keep hold of a few hundred for some clothes or something maybe you need to use some of the money each for a few treats before you allocate the rest to sensible things.

@OITNBfanclub
You see if it was me (but I can be very blunt),
I would very simply and directly say something like ‘well come on then Mr Secretive, tell me about the wonderful news (and smile, smile). You do know I’ve already seen the letter smile, smile ha ha.

You’re not accusing him. You’re not looking worried, you’re just being totally natural/normal, because that’s exactly how all of your previous conversations about what you would do with the money always has been.

So in your mind, that hasn’t changed, has it!!

So now it is down to him.

Good luck 💐

My boiler was replaced 5 years ago, normal Worcester Bosch 3.8k

You clearly don’t know the meaning of love or care.

given you are now defending the very same person you started a thread about how misled and sad you feel due to him lying to you… I’d suggest that you “clearly don’t know the meaning of love or care” OP

I simple raised a “why might he do this” question. In no way does that = me not loving him 😂quite the opposite.

how old are you OP? how old are your children? Does he have any children from a previous relationship?

Actually I have changed my mind from my earlier post and agree with this.

Good luck and ignore the ignorance and vile comments

while I’ve had no worries for a long time it lurks in the back of my mind as a small red flag and secrecy makes me uneasy with him.

you feel “let down”

you can’t “see any good reason” why he’s hidden this from you

touch more than a curious “why might he do this?”

Found this thread by accident and just want to start off by saying for all of you who are being damn right rude and nasty - stop it. Your disgusting just stop and leave this poor women alone she's got enough on already!

Op I'm sorry your in this situation I understand you having alot of whys? What ifs? Right now and its a horrible place to be in. I suggest a sit down chat asap

It will be state pension. He’s 67 and it sounds as though he’s deferred it - hence the lump sum.

I’d love to know where you can get a new boiler for £500. Ours was £2.5k five years ago, and it’s bog standard, nothing special !!

I'm sorry. He has flat out lied to you about it which means you can no longer trust him. Good luck.

@OITNBfanclub is he still in AA OP? AA is based on 100% honesty at all times. Seems a very strange thing to do if he’s actively working a programme of recovery.

On another note, how strong/weak is your marriage if you can’t confront him about this?

I would have to say that I had seen the letter, so assume we can start arranging for the house repairs we discussed. If then accused of snooping, I would tell the truth and say the open letter was sticking out of the drawer, so I looked at it.

Its hes incase shit happens funds

and yet he doesn’t feel like he can discuss this fund with his op and mother of his children.

Im curious as to whether he has children from a previous relationship

@perplexedbutok

The OP has already said he does have children from previous relationship - as would be expected at 67, however they are adults not dependent children.
OP has also already said there is a big age gap between her and her husband, something like 20+ years, and OP has also said she has an 8 year old dd from a different relationship.

would be expected at 67, however they are adults not dependent children.

and he may well be wanting to channel money to them and doesn’t want to tell the OP

He’s not been attending meetings for a while which is a small worry, though he has various reasons work wise why that’s been tricky. But small red flag.
marriage now good (I think) after regaining trust. I could confront him with no fear, but I would like to see
when he tells me and what - it’s not a trap, I just hope it will explain his pause in just immediately sharing it with me which as I’ve said is out of character for us both