Questions for those of you with really decent partners

[Easipeelerie]

What characteristics do they have? If you knew them when they were very young teens/ twenties) what were they like? Could you tell they we’re going to be good long -term partners?

I have a lovely dh. Doesn't mean he doesn't annoy me sometimes still, but he's honest and devoted and trustworthy and hardworking and prioritises family life.

I met him when he was 21 and yes, I knew he was a good one when I found him. He was dependable and kind and respectful and always kept his promises. Very different from any of the other guys I'd had relationships with at that point (I was 27 when we started dating, so I'd had several long-term live-together relationships by then).

Met at 20, still together at 56 with 2 kids. He was thoughtful, good sense of humour, generous, caring, cleaned his own toilet, did his own laundry, amazing work ethic, could cook a few dishes. He was ambitious but also always encouraged me to work hard at study and look for good jobs, and has always supported my career.
He was a bit like my mum and dad rolled into one, but also an improvement on both of them.
He was (still is) also very hot in the cot!

Yes this is very important - it's about compatibility. And not everyone's red flags or dealbreakers will be the same as the next person's.

DP and I are both somewhat cold fish, neither of us really do emotionally gushing or romantic gestures. Giving or receiving them makes me feel awkward. Neither of us would be suited to people who need that - in fact men previously told me I was too cold and unfeeling - but we fit each other well. (We also have similar not-entirely-functional upbringings so we get why we're like this.)

I'm also the dreaded MN figure of hate, that person who "doesn't see mess", but obviously that wasn't a dealbreaker for DP.

Honest, not selfish and made me laugh. There was no drama, but still a spark. They are intelligent and we hold the same values. For me it’s a partnership, 50/60. We both work, we both clean and do house hold tasks. We both hold the life admin. We both parent. Most of all they are kind.

I met dp a bit later in life-I was 36 and he was 40-been together almost 9 years

I'm told that as a young adult,he had no luck with the ladies-they saw him as a friend and they wanted the bad boys

He then married the first woman who wanted him-it ended badly as she's a narcissist who spotted how to mould him into her perfect victim-thankfully he got out,met another woman and finally ended up with me

He's kind,respectful,intelligent,soft,hard working and animals and young kids adore him

He took on my now adult children (well as far as you can with adult children) and they adore him-we are going to be grandparents later this year and we can't wait

He's careful with money (not in anyway tight) a fantastic dad,does 75% of housework,always has my back and I know that if I needed him right this second,he'd dump everything and get to me

(was proved when I was sexually assaulted and texted him with 'get to my work NOW!'no other context-he dumped what was in his hands,grabbed his car keys,shot out of the front door and almost broke every speed limit on the way)

He's respectful of women,all my friends adore him and most importantly,he utterly adores his mum (who's the best,most loving, repectful,strongest and most gentle woman I've ever met-shes the woman i want to be when i grow up)

Yes this is very important - it's about compatibility. And not everyone's red flags or dealbreakers will be the same as the next person's.

DP and I are both somewhat cold fish, neither of us really do emotionally gushing or romantic gestures. Giving or receiving them makes me feel awkward. Neither of us would be suited to people who need that - in fact men previously told me I was too cold and unfeeling - but we fit each other well. (We also have similar not-entirely-functional upbringings so we get why we're like this.)

Same here. Some of the things other MNers see as essential in a partner are things I wouldn't want.

Dh and I have a lot in common in terms of interests and things we enjoy doing, even though we have very different temperaments and personalities. One of the things that make him a good partner on a practical level is that (unlike me!) he does not have a lazy bone in his body. He's always up and getting things done, because he can't sit still for long!

He is also funny, intelligent, sees women as equal to men and knows a lot about a surprising number of things. He has a very stable, supportive family, to whom he is pretty close (but not excessively!). I know this is probably a bit controversial, but I would have been very reluctant to get into a ltr with a man with a difficult family, however much it might not have been remotely his fault.

What a beautiful post. He sounds wonderful as does his mum 🌹

Kind and caring is the key. Also emotionally stable (rarely gets angry or raises voices at anyone or get overly depressed/sad). Grew up in an environment where his dad is very caring and spends a lot of time with family. Ok with showing affections in public. Not threatened by my successes, supportive.

AlloroperTealsTheft I know exactly what you mean about a stable family environment.
I was so relieved when I found out about dh’s parents. They were completely in love with each other and provided a very stable home life for him. Nothing flash, just stable and quite ordinary to lots of people. He never ever heard them argue and the only one time he argued with his dad was when his dad was extremely ill and on medication, so his dad was not himself.
I’ve had long term partners who have come from Dysfunctional families. Controversial but it always, always affected them in a bad way.
I grew up hearing arguing.
Im not saying all people from dysfunctional backgrounds grow up bad, but I really think it has helped dh.

We met 4 years ago .. I’m 46 and he’s 42. Even when we were just dating and I had gone through messy divorce he would turn up every weekend with hammers and paint brushes to help me fix my new home. He made sure my locks were changed and put up lights in the front and back garden so when I got home I felt safe. He’s sensitive to my emotional needs and will also tell me of he’s upset. He does does caring things like make sure I have my vitamins when I’m sick and will surprise me with flowers and candles often. He plans things with me often from trips with our kids to future plans. He never swears or shouts at my like my ex H and makes me feel safe and loved! He never holds back on hugs and kisses. He’s not perfect but neither am I and love the way he loves me x

I love your question op because it's such a great one. I would have loved to have read the answers when I was younger!

I got my second marriage right. Very bright, very kind and generous, sociable, forgiving and looks after everyone around him. Doesn't take out stress on me or anyone else.

Money comes and goes but if you find someone with the above traits that's half the battle.

Even my ex dh loves him!

Slightly derailing this lovely thread for my own purposes!!

As someone who's been divorced over 10 years, from a selfish husband and who's just started dating again - did you all have a physical attraction early on?

I've had a couple of dates with a guy who seems nice, but isn't my type. There's no 'spark'. How long does it take to find out they have all these wonderful qualities and does any of that matter if you don't have a connection?

Exactly my experience.. went on so many dates where they just slagged off their exes.. dh was going through hell with his but wouldn't say a bad word , only that he didn't understand her behaviour. He was always positive and I used to come away from seeing him feeling happy and energised.

Absolutely decent through to his core. Integrity and honesty are really important to him, and he treats everyone with respect and kindness. He will be candid and truthful but in a kind way. He will stick up for himself and his family. He is fair, and thoughtful, and thinks of us even when he is busy. He works bloody hard, but owns his mistakes if he makes them.
He makes me laugh like a drain and we are easy with each other - even though according to others he is not a big talker and is definitely the stoic type!
Plus he is bloody gorgeous and makes me weak at the knees. Very Viking! 😂 🥰 Never met anyone like him. Been together 3 years.

Oh and he does the absolute best hugs. He makes the world melt away until it's just us, it's like being in a cocoon.

You have to fancy somebody - be eager to see them again (and not just because you’re interested in the second instalment of their view on a TV series you both like) want to kiss them, touch them, feel something sexual towards them. It’s worth considering what you mean by “your type” and identifying whether it’s just “what I have always done previously” or not. Sometimes it can take a few dates to establish - but if it hasn’t emerged after that then it’s unlikely to.

I knew on our first date that I was attracted to now-DH. We’d had some great conversation - but I knew that I didn’t want to just have great conversations with him. We had sex on our second date and, whilst that occasion wasn’t the best sex ever because we didn’t know each other’s likes and bodies at that point, it was really good sex because it was clear we both really wanted and enjoyed each other.

I have never had a bad relationship, I have a lot of close, long-standing male friends, and the majority of my straight women friends have great partners - so unlike women who aren’t fortunate enough to have those experiences, I’ve always been very confident that excellent men really aren’t in short supply. I wouldn’t have settled for now-DH simply because he seemed like a good guy if I didn’t fancy and desire and really want to have sex with him, because I would have been shortchanging us both by doing that.

We met when I was 33 and divorced. He's very patient and affectionate, goes out of his way to help me when i need it even when it's inconvenient, he uses most of his limited free time to do things with me even when he's knackered from long shifts. He is also much tidier and cleaner than me but doesn't judge my ratty ways - or nag me. Always willing to have a conversation, even after an argument - no stonewalling or silent treatment. I think his best quality is cheering me up when i feel down with a head massage! He will do it for a looong time while we're watching telly. Not without his faults of course but nothing that grates on me or makes my life worse. Just generally a kind man and is the same with his family and friends.

I didn't know immediately that he would be a good partner. I initially thought it would just be a hot one night stand because on paper we seemed so different but chemistry was insane. I did feel very comfortable that night in bed with him, and wanted to see him again - so I knew it was special (as i struggle to get comfortable with people, takes me a long time). Very glad I stuck with it as I do think sometimes people grow into their relationships. We were both very independent at the start having lived alone for years, but you compromise and adapt and before you know it, you have a life together that's been built organically.

Kind , sense of humour , caring , treated his mum and dad well , liked family life so knew he’d make a good dad and he did , always treated me properly and respected my opinions .

Definitely started with a physical attraction! But probably would have stayed as a fling without actually liking him as well as fancying him. Didn't take me long to realise that he was very kind and funny and all his other good qualities 😊

@ComtesseDeSpair thank you, that's helpful. I definitely don't feel a sexual attraction to him; he's easy to talk to and has some interesting stories. But I don't feel that's enough.

It was a blind date, and I haven't dated for a long time. He's also quite keen which makes me feel under pressure!!

But I've loved reading this thread because it does give people like me, whose marriage ended up being very unhappy, hope that there are some good men out there.

My DH is hardworking, loyal and honest.
Sadly, he does not exhibit any of the other traits mentioned on this thread ☹️

Alot of us are saying 'kind'- what does kind look like? What does 'respectful' look like?

It’s something you feel - respected and treated with kindness and you see them displaying these behaviours to others consistently