Questions for those of you with really decent partners

[Easipeelerie]

What characteristics do they have? If you knew them when they were very young teens/ twenties) what were they like? Could you tell they we’re going to be good long -term partners?

Polite, respectful, strong sense of right/wrong,honest,funny thoughtful, well groomed.

Mine is very loyal (not just to me but his family and friends as well), funny, exceptionally hard-working and diligent, calm and logical, assertive, never unkind, adores cats, sensible with money, good at DIY.

What was he like as a teen? I never knew him then (met him when he was 28) but from all accounts he was a bit wild and flirty, went out with quite a few girls (one at a time though!) but he was never the one to dump, they dumped him, nearly failed his degree at one point, was a bit rebellious and argumentative. So he changed a fair bit! We've been together for 28 yrs, I'm certainly not going to dump him!

Perhaps that is it, you need two decent people to create a good relationship and maybe you just have to accept that people usually don't change.

Or it could all be down to luck😁

Integrity.

if someone has integrity, all of the other good qualities follow - trustworthiness, kindness, reliability, monogamy, involved parent, supportive, fair division of labour, thoughtfulness

Without integrity there really isn’t any possibility of getting the rest - if the person can’t be trusted to act in a morally decent way and do the right thing even when they don’t “need to” then why bother.

Of course you then need sense of humour, communication, willingness to admit wrongdoings, resilience to work through hard times, openness and ability to be vulnerable…

Met my DH when he was 21. I could tell he was a good person. He really loved his mum and sisters and respected them as people. Although he was too young to consider having his own kids I could sense he was a family man, if that makes sense.
He was also a good and loyal friend.
Over 20 years later he still has all these qualities.

I do agree with this. It needs to go both ways! I support him and he supports me.

• loves his mum and sisters
• kind, funny, quite shy
• good at crosswords
• also very boring about sports

My DH is an absolute darling, very caring, supportive, loyal & very loving.

We meet at 17, been through so much in the past 35 years we have spent together.

He has always encouraged me, I wasn’t very confident when we met, he boosted my confidence, encouraged me to get better jobs, learn to drive etc. we have always supported each other, in good times and bad.

Over the years we have experienced financial difficulties, grief, my unexpected Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis.

He has always been there, he runs his business from home, so he can be there to help me. He makes my breakfast, lunch, and cooks dinner every day. He makes me laugh everyday, he has a great sense of humour.

He’s a fantastic dad to our now adult sons too. Never ever as he raised his hand to me or our DS’ and I know he never would in any circumstances. I know however tough things get with my MS, he will be there by my side.

A grown up. Dh has always been a proper adult. He takes responsibility and shares the mental load; he tries to see things in a balanced way; he's capable and intelligent; he's kind; he reads and is interested in the world; he works things out if he doesn't know how to do something; he doesn't overstep. He's the kind of man that people naturally turn to when they need help. Everyone who knows him has huge respect for his judgment. My (female) friend was running an outdoor skills workshop for kids and she told me later that he was the only dad there who didn't try to mansplain to her. He just quietly got on with the instructions she gave and he helped everyone as they needed.

Dh never makes my life harder. I listen to pals talking about their partners or read things on here about men who cause more mess, more problems, more stress and I thank my lucky stars I have the one I have!

Met my decent man at 19. He listened, he never put pressure on me, he was generous (not in an OTT way but a I'll give you my last Haribo way), he looked after me when I was ill. Now we've been together well over a decade and have a toddler and he's exactly the same! A true partner.

I met DH at uni when we were both 19. I loved (and still love!) how very competent he was. There was some fairly wild party behaviour going on, and he knew how to have fun, but stay safe. He had been the head of the CCF, so was good at all sorts of survival and regular housekeeping stuff (making bivvies, ironing... 🤣).

He was also very funny, and kind to animals (vegetarian).

These are still the things that I love about him most!

Kind, generous, thoughtful, respectful, hugely supportive, never put me down or negged me (quite the opposite), informed about the world, keen sense of social justice, loves animals, always wants to help the disadvantaged/the underdog.

He has also suffered from bipolar disorder the entire time we’ve been together (30 years) which is why I get so annoyed when people blame bad behaviour on mental illness. Poor MH doesn’t make you a cunt if you’re not already an underlying cunt.

We met when we were older.
Dh values and respects women. He views women are equal to men. Watches woman’s sport. Buys woman’s music. Goes to see women on stage with me. Can name female poets, musicians, mps.
We share the same core values.
I have a good friend who went to school with him. When we met she told me he was a decent person and had been since she knew him from being at school together.
He was extremely close to his late father and out of every male I know had the best relationship with his father.
He met his first wife as a teenager and was faithful to her until she cheated.
He doesn’t slag her off and never told his dc that she had cheated. He sees his dc regularly.
He also does as much - if not more housework and chores than I do.

Indoctrination means brainwashing. I’m guessing you didn’t mean that word?

Wonder if these men watch pornography and appreciate every attractive women they come across, whilst outwardly being devoted to their middle aged wives. And if this is true, would their satisfied partners still see them the same way. Maybe this should make no difference, if it's just what men are like, good or bad.

OP just remember the woman who stood by that police officer on Catching A Copper who shagged a drunken civilian in his police car in the middle of nowhere thought her husband was alright too... Lovely stories though, long may they continue.

Kind, respectful of everyone, funny and honest. He was totally trustworthy when I met him at 17 (he was 18) and I knew that I’d always be able to rely on him. I guess sometimes you just ‘fit’ and he’s just my best friend 34 years on (feeling quite old at that figure).

Met at a party (late 20s) and was instantly attracted. Slim, athletic, carried himself well, amazing cheekbones and blue eyes. A fun one night stand, I thought, and he came back to mine that night.

First proper date was dinner at his. I can hear the squawks of horror from here... cheapskate, he just wanted sex etc. And we both lived in houseshares to boot so his housemates were all around too. But it completely sold me on him because it turned out he's an incredible cook. I still wasn't thinking in terms of a relationship at this point but the thought that if it worked out I'd eat well for the rest of my life did cross my mind.

Then I got to see everything else over the next few months. Extremely intelligent (but in a different direction to me so we complement each other without feeling inferior). So gentle and non-confrontational, the kind of man you instinctively feel safe with. Good ethics, good politics, lots of overlapping taste in music/film/books, as happy pottering round art galleries as playing sport with me. He got on with my friends, I got on with his. Neither of us wanted children or to do grown-up sensible settling down. We were both big partiers and while that's more medium-sized now, neither of us are the kind of person who retreats from having fun at age 30 because they're too old to go to clubs now.

Something incredibly key - when we met I partied a lot, travelled a lot, went clubbing a lot. He never tried to control that or to "tame" me. And neither of us did stereotypical gender socialising - he hates lad culture and his group of friends never deliberately hang out as "the lads" or "the girls", and neither did mine. So no trace of weirdness about my male friends, even former flings.

I actually knew he'd be a great long-term partner very soon, I think. It took me much longer for me to accept that's something I wanted for myself, and I'm happy I eventually did.

Kind , funny, caring, a fantastic dad. Reliable, patient, friendly, loyal and calm. Balances me out. He has been and still is my absolute rock. Always there for me 100%. Together 27 years, married almost 25.

Reading this all made me more confident in ending my relationship.
I wonder if any of these men had children and exes before meeting as I always think they can make life difficult for all parties involved.

Also, not entirely convinced on the idea a man who is great friends with all his exes is a good thing- but I am biased. It looks like a people pleasing boundary thing. But that's negative nancy talk

I remember thinking "I can imagine myself raising children with this man". At the time I didn't want children and it was 17 years before we actually had any!

And, this is controversial for Mumsnet- he has 3 younger siblings, and I remember being impressed when he stepped in to support his mother when they were being vile to her.

Kind, selfless, doesn't play head games, doesn't try to point score, is 50/50 in everything (he probably does more actually), reliable and loyal. Even though his ex wife cheated on him he hasn't let it affect him and trusts me completely.

I've known by DH since we were 11. We went to school together and were in the same year but didn't get together until we were both 20.

We've been together now for 13 years, married 5 with 2 preschool age children.

I always knew he was a wonderful person, he gives off this charm, but not in a full of himself, confident way, he's actually quite shy, but he's just such a nice decent caring person. But he's not boring, he's really funny at times and really makes me laugh.

I couldn't have known back then that he was going to be an amazing dad, no one will ever know until it happens, but I guess I was confident he wouldn't be a bad dad, and we had both had the conversation to say we wanted children.
Some people might say it's important a man is really close to his family, I'd disagree with that, I think it's important they have a relationship with their family, but for me my husband has always been more invested in us than his other relationships, so I guess a good sign is he's invested in you and spending the most time with you (obv not all the time though).
It also helped he had his own flat and kept it clean etc.

I don't wanna sound braggy but I have landed on my feet with DH so I guess this is my experience.

I was in my twenties when we met. No great romance, he was my brothers friend. We gradually started spending more time together. I'd been bullied a lot when I was younger and work was just as bad. He'd listen and let me unload, eventually he suggested I retrain and move jobs. He seems a bit withdrawn and quiet but is actually romantic and kind. He was very much a family man who always kept in touch with his family. I think when i realised that family was important to him i knew we shared a log of important views. He was a great father and took on most of the childcare so I could push on with a new career. He's always there for me, when I was very ill took a leave and looked after the girls and cared for me carrying me to the loo, washing me etc, even though we were married it was embarrassing for both of us but brought us closer.

Kind, gentle, generous, always sees the best in others, has helped people out of rough patches, great relationship with his family, not afraid to show emotion, loving, calm, and funny.