Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

Ah apologies, I can see you can't afford therapy. Could you at least buy a few self help books or follow some online accounts aimed at helping women to build up their self esteem?

What a load of absolute bollocks this is.

You are apparently so, so worried about this younger woman he's seeing but you show absolutely zero empathy for his poor wife and kids. You were quite happy to help him cheat on them though were't you? where was your empathy for them? A younger woman can easily start again, his long suffering wife cant.

You are both a pair of narcissists with no empathy for anyone else but yourself and you're just livid (oh sorry- "shocked") now that you didnt "win".

I knew someone like this. Not quite this situation but mad lies and manipulation and multiple women (and him saying he was suicidal). Looking back I think he was- at the very least- a narcissist sociopath. Cut all ties and get some therapy.

yep. it is a load of bollocks. going back to 2021 if you read the circus that is the op’s posting history

He didn’t walk away because he enjoys controlling and manipulating women. He gets kicks from it. He is not your friend. You are a porn on his chess board. Pick up a copy of Lundy Bancroft ‘Why do men do that?”

Op I’m really sorry you are hurting but you need to see a therapist or at least read some books as to why you are so susceptible to abusive men. Why you don’t value yourself more? Why you chose to get involved with a married man in the first place? Why you don’t you set higher standards for yourself? Why you chose to ignore the massive red flags waving in your face? And to continue ignoring them for twelve years?

What was your relationship like with your father? What did your parents marriage look like? How were you treated by the male figures in your life when you were a child?

It’s possibly too soon to bring this up but psychologists talk about an “emotional pay off”. Once your shock has worn off you may want to start looking at the sub-conscious “benefits” to you of being in a relationship that is not fully committed? The advantages you are not aware of, or can’t yet admit to yourself. I am not saying this to victim blame - your ex is lying scum and is obviously the main perpetrator - but most people would have blown this man off way before 12 years were up or wouldn’t have got involved with a married man in the first place.

I think this is a very good point indeed.

A normal person wouldn't contact you again but he is far from normal.

Be prepared for him to return when the need arises. It’s likely why he often says he is depressed when he talks to you. He needs his fix. You are his fix. Then he buggers off again on his merry way.

This

I just ASed her username and looked at all the titles of all the threads she's posted and couldn't see anything that jumped out as being about her relationship. What are you seeing?

There sounds like there’s something pathologically wrong with him. He must be a bigamist. Compulsive liar. Fantasist.

Narcissist? Sociopath?

Be grateful it’s finally at an end but I hope he gets his comeuppance.

And help.

it’s on the NC affair thread. she didn’t start it but posts many many of times and other posters are telling her that her children are suffering etc but it appears….

I'm sorry that he has done this but going against the grain. I can't understand why you would buy a house with a man that was still
Married.

Please work on yourself and enable yourself to move on. This isn't normal behaviour from Both of you. You surely can see that. You need to be happy in your own self before you can love another person.

I hope you can.

Am I the only one stunned you bought a house together whilst he was married? how on earth did that work?
Be glad you're rid and I hope he's no claim on your house.

Crikey. Sorry OP. You’ve been well and truly misled.

He will try to contact you again. He sees you as his safety net. That's why he was so threatened by you seeing other people, he didn't want someone else making you their own safety net. Block him and don't respond to any attempts to wheedle his way back in.

It was very foolish indeed. I’m guessing OP bought the house in her sole name with the expectation that he would pay for / contribute to mortgage and renovations costs.

Its true that OP isn’t the real victim here.

However betrayal always is a thump. Just sometimes it’s a thump you sort of deserve. I think even she knows that.

You can’t go back OP. You can only choose to go forward living a cleaner, better life, not engaging with the cheats and lowlifes. This is the juncture at which it becomes an aberration and mistake, or at which you join their ranks by repeating the involvement with similar relationships.

Am I the only one stunned you bought a house together whilst he was married? how on earth did that work?
Be glad you're rid and I hope he's no claim on your house

According to her other threads, he's rich and it was her "dream house".

Funny how selective her empathy is isnt it?

I'm not at all saying "you deserve it" or anything like that but how can you let someone utterly fuck you over in completion day of buying a HOUSE! and still think they are worth speaking to again?!

He must be one hell of a smooth talker. He repeatedly did not put his money where his mouth was and you still thought that wasn't suggesting anything?!

He does sound like a first class shitbag, but people keep letting him!

For the best part of 12 years you have lived with a compromise, less than a half relationship. You have kept this man in your life despite him letting you down badly. If he was seeing multiple women he was clearly very part time with you, both physically and emotionally.
The most useful thing you can do now is reflect on why you did that. What was it about a relationship that you knew was unconventional and short changed you that felt OK? I'd imagine there was an element after your marriage of at least he was better than your husband, also perhaps some subconcious safety for you in not going 'all in' again. But whatever it was, you need to remember that it was your choice to live this way, and you chose it for a reason. So to be able to move on in a healthy way, it's really helpful to understand why.
As tempting as it is to focus on his behaviour, you'll learn nothing you don't know. His motivations were obvious. A greedy man who needed multiple women to feed his ego, and could get away with it. Probably by deliberately identifying and selecting women who were vulnerable to him. For your future wellbeing focus instead on you, and why this was OK for you, because you deserved so much more.

… because he probably has a claim on his poor DW’ s home.

Do you have evidence of him promising to repay you/ make you good after financially screwing you? Would it be worth a court claim to try to improve your situation? Don't know if the financial reward would be worth the emotional entanglement though. He sounds conniving enough to avoid leaving evidence anyway.

It’s very hard to understand just how convincing conmen are.

Men will act like this as long as women are stupid enough to want to believe their lies & be involved with a married man.

I hope you get the help you so obviously need Op.

You've created a delusional fantasy with this cheater that you've posted about over the years, possibly to provide escapism from a challenging situation as a single parent. You say yesterday you thought he was your best friend and love of your life. You keep continually saying it's friendship but then defaulting to romantic betrayal. Then saying your concern is his other young women when you facilitated cheating on his wife for years.
Maybe you need to work on yourself and forget about him. You are still high drama about the betrayal. But if it's friendship then romantic relationships aren't your concern.
You've been manipulated by a serial lyer and cheater as have all the other women. Take the power away. Block, move on and work out why you got into this situation to make sure it's the last time.

He didn't bother to lie about being married though did he?

That was Op's get out right from the start.