Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

So someone who is cheating on and lying to his wife is someone who is ok with cheating and lying in general.

Surprise!

Yeah. The young one can take care of herself . She’s been lucky to find out before she was in too deep, with years of her life, children, finances all entangled.

I was flabbergasted that OP was concerned for her, and can only conclude the DW is too much of a raw messy wound inflicted for her to even face it mentally, so this was some kind of substitute guilt assauging outlet.

Im sorry you’re hurting OP; but it’s really time to wake up to the mess, accept sone responsibility and change course for good.

No, OP’s abusive ex husband doesn’t deserve my sympathy, but you crack on.

OP’s life has been ruined by this other man so she’s had her lesson, she doesn’t need a pile on.

And yes, I hope this other man’s wife takes him for all he’s worth as part of the divorce.

This sounds like the tv docudrama Mrs Smith (or something🤔)
He deserves to be exposed and ruined for this complete deception. Maybe a tv or book deal will pay off your mortgage and close him down to stop him deceiving yet more trusting gullible women.
OP get angry and live your life don’t let him ruin the rest of it. Stand up for yourself.

Hope his wife has a good solicitor. Financial loss seems to be the only loss people like this have any connection to.

I just want to curl up and die

Don't do that, OP! Now, knowing what you know, start living your life for yourself, focusing on making the best of the years ahead. What do you want? Don't look back but carry the lessons you've learned from this bastard and create some firm boundaries — no married men, an equal and honest relationship, no running after him. Forget the romantic dream (it was all in your head all those years, wasn't it?) and live for you. Have some therapy to work out what made you go along with the abuse and exploitation all those years. Good luck. I wish you a far happier future.

I was flabbergasted that OP was concerned for her, and can only conclude the DW is too much of a raw messy wound inflicted for her to even face it mentally, so this was some kind of substitute guilt assauging outlet

Yes, exactly. I suspect that her "concern" for the younger woman is also disguised anger and jealousy that she has got him and he's lavishing expensive presents on her. People often express faux concern when its really not "concern" at all, its something else underneath- like jealousy.

I’m really sorry OP but it is the OW who are the enablers of these awful men.

Amen to that. Wise words.

You’ve screwed up and reaped the consequences. Give your head a wobble and sort your priorities ( sounds like your DCs) . You CAN clean up your act and move on, but you won’t if you’re flailing about “worrying” about his next duped woman instead of knuckling down to sort yourself out.

Positive angle...
You can be free of him from now on.
You can grieve the friendship you think you had and move on.

Block him and get him out of your life.

To get to the top he needs to be a risk taker and to be confident in his own abilities. He's reached the top and needs an adrenaline rush to keep him motivated. He won't be worried about people finding out because he'll think he's cleverer than everyone around him.

If it all falls apart it will be a huge hit to his ego and he will be knocking on the door of his safety net to restore it. Don't be his safety net.

That's shocking. I'm sorry that you felt you had to put up with such tiny meaningless crumbs from a man that clearly had some giant long term red flags. I'm sorry that you wasted 12 years in this. But I really think you need to get some series therapy and look at exactly WHY you were so happy to accept so little and why you didn't realise you were being taken for a fantasy ride much much sooner,? Why on earth continue with being friends? Friends don't do that. Friends don't carry on letting you down. Your boundraries are none existent and unless you change that the same could happen again. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

I feel sorry for his girlfriend as I could hear him banging on the door to get his phone back and shouting at her while she was sobbing on the phone to me. She’s young, scared and had the rug pulled out from under her.

Yes I also feel massively sorry for his wife now it has finally dawned on me that she probably was not the kind of person he said she was. Like I said, I believed the marriage was abusive in its own way. Maybe I shut that thought down over the years, and probably because he wanted it shut down,

umm let me see, dead father, sexually abusive step father, emotionally and sexually abusive ex…yep my bar was pretty low.

WOW he is a head f*ck!!!!

No I don't know how he juggled all those women at one time. He is swamp scum.

You've told his new girlfriend the truth. Let her believe what she will. But block him on every single platform you can think of and get some counselling. I am serious about that, he is the one at fault but you obviously felt it was OK to treat you like that. It wasn't.

I'm sorry but he arrived on the scene, wrapped in red flags. You didn't even have to search for them.

It's also very hypocritical to have empathy for the new lady, when you didn't for his wife.

I just want to curl up and die
No need for that. You were conned by a skilful and experienced trickster - no shame in that. Be thankful he didn't want to use you financially as well.

Your interest in the younger girlfriend isn't surprising, it's transference, your pain expressed as wanting to protect her. It's as much use to you as wanting to destroy her would be. Put all thoughts of her aside.

Twelve years gone, but experience is never wasted. Shake him off, shake off anything bad he's made you feel about yourself. Crack on with your new, fresh, uncomplicated life.

The horror he had a gf when she didn’t mind when he had a WIFE for years.

I looked at those posts, and its consistent with what shes said here. Shes been incredibly silly, gullible and is essentially reaping what shes sown (by not ending it, and taking huge risks).
Given that she posted the same story 3 years ago, and didnt take any advice then, I think she'll (sadly) continue to be exploited.

Yep that’s all tough OP.

Maybe a bit of time healing by focusing on you and your dcs without the need to bring more men into your life for now?

Once you know yourself as an individual not a victim ( and you CAN be an individual, and a strong, principled one too) you will be in a better place to find the right sort.

OP, he sounds terrifying and psychopathic. I have no doubt he was a master manipulator, to have all these young women fawning all over him.....

I have noticed on here increasingly a tendency to victim blame - if a woman has been mistreated by a man in a relationship in any ongoing way she is almost attacked for her "low standards" and ordered quite rudely to "work on her self esteem".

Lots of people are abused and manipulated like this, not because they are faulty in themselves, but because the men are so good at it..... It is their fault 100%, not the fault of their victims.

In your case, he was married so there are some on here that will feel you deserved it whatever he did to you. But most of us know that situations can be more nuanced - no doubt he pulled the wool over your eyes really quite effectively.....

But all you can do really is keep going. The pain will lessen in time I am sure.

He’s not the only one at fault. They were both married and both chose to cheat on their respective partners. OP’s reasoning is that her DH was a ‘bad man’ but that’s no excuse for knowingly starting a relationship with a married family man. His wife was once his ‘soul mate’ so in what world did OP think that he wouldn’t cheat on her as soon as the next love of his life came along ? If he was ever actually married in the first place, that is. OP is the architect of her own doom.

Thanks for sharing this cautionary tale. If you're unhappy in your marriage, divorce. Don't get involved with other married people.

It never ends well.

@minipie I agree with this

OP knew from the outset that he was capable of cheating / lying. Shouldn't be a great surprise he did it to OP too

You seem to have a lot more insight now OP, don't stop listening to your inner voice again. Good luck going forward.

I'm pretty sure the ex wife is very happy to be free of this lying abusive specimen. She might not feel it at first but I'm certain she was also a victim.