Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

For goodness sake, it didn’t take long for the knuckle draggers to appear I see 🙄

Do one with your sexist views - bad people exist in both genders and you know it.

They literally never stop no matter how broken the woman is.

It’s like a sport to them. Entirely unhelpful and unnecessary

Ummm....
Live by the sword die by the sword.

You were perfectly happy to very naively shag someone's else's husband for years, while he repeatedly took you for a fool.

Are you looking for sympathy?

Omg @honeyandbutterontoast

Whhhy are you still giving this oxygen.

Collate all of the messages and emails and put them in a folder for evidence - off your desktop so you don’t access it all the time.

See your GP

See a solicitor and see if you can report him to the police or sue him for distress and harrassment.

Change your phone number

Move on with your life.

Stop entertaining the drama!!!

I’d love to live in the black and white world where the morality police live.

I have had my life turned upside down by a partner having affairs. I was angry at the other women but ultimately the blame lay with the man who chose to betray me - he persued them, he lied, he went to great effort to cheat.

Those women owed me nothing. He did.
All the ‘well men wouldn’t cheat if women didn’t cheat with them’ is such misogynistic, dick pandering shite. Men aren’t just innocent victims falling dick first into scheming women. Other women wouldn’t exist if men weren’t out there looking to cheat. That’s where it starts and that’s where the blame lies.

And yet those of us who HAVE had out marriages broken up by affairs and other women aren't the ones being the ''Morality police''- I have noticed that.

Those who have lived it seem to have a much more nuanced view.

All the daft talk about 'Karma'..if Karma existed, terrible things wouldn't happen to innocent children, or animals.

Humans are complex beings. Men lie. There are predatory women, but they are far more women who are told a lie by a married man.

I too had a lying narcissist 'Boyfriend' for a few months- he was undoubtedly faithless and a fantasist and a liar.. but these men can be very superficially charming.
I broke of all contact and when my phone rang {landline, I didn't;t have a mobile} I got a male friend to answer it and it was the narcissist!- wanting to know if I'd like a weekend visitor.. ABSOLUTELY not!

Jeez, do I have ''Gullible'' tattooed on my forehead?!

He tried to ring again, but I got a platonic make friend to answer the phone again, and I never heard from him again.

I found out a few years later that he had died.

Cheating liar turned out to be a...cheating liar. OP you have been manipulated by an absolute narcissist but you have also chosen to put up with it for so long. Block, and move on. Don't spend more time on him for the sake of the time already wasted.

You can see it clearly now. Takes some time for yourself, no men. Focus on friends and work.

Sorry but this is ridiculous. You need to grow up, OP. This isn't high school. Block and delete him like me so many have suggested, remove yourself from the equation. You're a person with free will. Use it.

This attitude allowed him to mess up your life. You're now in debt and as a result have impacted your children's financial future. How selfish and immature of you. Is the drama really worth it?

But I suspect you'd rather have anything from him. Every crumb of toxic drama is better to you than just cutting him off. The exact attitude that has found you here 12 years later.

Hi OP,
I'm struggling to understand this man's motivation for keeping in touch and leading you on over years. I'm sorry that is so cruel of him.

I'm wondering if his motivation could ever have been financial. You say you bought a house with him. Who paid the deposit? Was the house bought as joint tenants? Who paid the mortgage?

I know you said that you lost the house during Covid but I am wondering could he have got you to buy a property jointly with him (without putting in money of his own?) so that one day he will get half the property value at least. Half if you sell or buy him out - potentially all if you died as the equity of a house held as joint tenants goes straight to the joint holder.

That could have been an income stream for him if he has a number of women that he persuades to buy houses at their expense while he owns half the equity. If he is a financial scammer he could also have used other methods on other people.

Did he have any other red flags financially. Did he ask to borrow money, get you to take a loan out or anything like that?

Echoing other posters to say he showed and told you what he wanted you to hear. He made you feel heard and listened to and important, even though he treated you badly.

You have done the right thing by physically moving on, but you might need some assistance from a professional to understand why someone who has treated you so badly still means so much to you.

My BF and I had a great releationship at university but he broke up with me unexpectedly after he started seeing someone else, and I didn't know. We kept in touch and he was really supportive when I was unwell. It turns out the whole time he had lots of other girlfriends and he kept me secret from the rest of his life. I had declined to meet up with him when he had a girlfriend, so he told me he was single, and then acted like the injured party when I worked out he was lying.

Despite all this it took me over 10 years and a move to a different continent for me to see it all for what it was. He behaved like (and I suspect does) a bastard, but he made me feel seen and heard in a way that I hadn't experienced at that point.

However, I am OK now and you will be too. Its worth the work to find out why despite the circumstances you stayed. If he made you feel good it means its possible.

Best of luck XXX

The property purchase didn’t go through - he pulled out at the last minute saying he couldn’t leave his wife. No property, no equity. And OP has said he is wealthy so the motives don’t appear financial.

What a lovely message-and so terrifyingly accurate a description of what these men can be like.
Yes, all of us who were 'conned' by these men- there is hope when one wakes up and realises that they are just narcissistic arseholes.
Well done for getting over it- it is possible!

When OP @honeyandbutterontoast gets over it {which she will IF she blocks the twit on all platforms} she will feel a shudder of relief.

The fact he has turned from smarmy charmer to his true self {arsehole} in 24hours is so telling.

I mean this gently op, but do you think there is some truth in him stating you were emotionally blackmailing him.

I mean it's been a long time since your initial love affair began and then the realisation that he was never going to leave his wife, you waited for the right time and when you thought that had come, he pulled the plug with the house.
At that point you should have realised he wasn't a safe bet for the future.

Time has gone on, probably the sexual side waning over the years, less visits from him, till eventual ceasetation of sex, which you state is because of the ultimatum you issued to him, but you still continued to message with him even though he turned you down in Oct 22. Be honest do you think he has been trying to pacify you for the past year or so, so you do not reveal his double life to his wife ?

If he has left his wife, it would seem he now has the courage to end this, his girlfriend may be upset but there are fewer casualties including his children.

I agree, you must feel used, you have given up so much waiting for this man but he doesn't owe you the rest of his life, you thought you were the special friend, it's awful when you realise you were not special, many of us have been through that in one way or another but it doesn't mean someone else can't find you special.

Don't let him take that away from you too.

He dumped you a long time ago OP, as proven by your other threads. Be honest, it’s the fact he eventually left his wife for someone else that’s really killing you.

Thanks to everyone for their comments on here. Have taken them all on board.

I managed to get a couple of hours sleep last night, which has helped a lot. Still waiting for the anger to kick in.

Right now mainly I feel sad but also a bit relieved I think. His gf last night sent me a load of messages he was sending her begging for forgiveness and it was like reading messages to me, same words, same phrases. His accusations I was blackmailing him so he had to keep me happy with the occasional text and just didn’t know how to tell me he had met someone new, really don’t stack up against the reality. No blackmail, occasionally I would send a cross message but it was easy to see why by the sort that preceded it. Sending 20-30 texts a day to me and continually engaging me in conversation. And he had 18 months to tell me they were together, I have those 18 months of emails to me telling me he was going to be with me, I was his soulmate, he would love me forever. Plenty of time for him to tell me. There were also many messages where I asked him if he had someone else, and said we should end things, he always wanted it to continue. He had even sat sending me messages whilst in an airport next to her, apparently to “keep me happy” when the messages were clearly him wanting to chat.

Anyhow she wanted evidence of this which I sent her. Via her he sent a long message saying he just hadn’t known how to tell me he was happy with someone else and he was so sad he hadn’t and he would never contact me again. Which was so clearly absolute bollocks.

I’ve blocked them both. Moved any emails etc I might need to a separate folder and will move on. I think she’s taking him back, so good luck to her.

I will miss the person I thought he was, his type can be very charming! But the real him isn’t like that. I think I fit in his “friend” box in that I was his age and could chat about DC etc. He has no actual friends (what a surprise).

I will look at the book suggestions on this thread and have a gp appointment for next week. And I’m grateful for all the advice.

One day this woman will look back on her current relationship and wish she had listened to you.

Meanwhile you will move on, you will heal and things will get better.

OP, you may have made some mistakes, but moving forward you can at least comfort yourself that you did NOT break up his marriage in the end. Perhaps that can comfort your conscience as you make a clean break, learn a few lessons, and look forward to much more honest relationships.

His excuse to her is basically "I'm a massive, massive coward". What a huge turn off! It's horrifying that he's a sociopathic liar, but his alternative explantation is somehow even more of an ick 😂 Bullet dodged!

Actually that’s true. I hadn’t thought of it that way. Whatever happened there can’t be wholly placed at my door.

Yes. That he couldn’t tell me, when he had so much time to do so. And so many opportunities. So many times when I wanted to end things and it would have been so easy for him to agree! Instead he liked having me as a back up I guess.

Yeah this is just weird “ I live in a vacuum by myself and for myself” reasoning.

Yes, self care is important but we live in a world of other people and have duties not to trample over other lives and feelings in our actions.

Op you have worried that he is “ blaming” you. You are both to blame for the betrayal of his wife and there really isn’t a plausible way he can wriggle out if that.

You are NOT to blame for anything concerning this new woman.

I just get this sense ( for several reasons) that that phone call from his new woman was more staged than it came across. I wouldn’t take anything from the call or your interactions with the new woman at face value. Just block and move on.

There’s no such thing as karma ; but it is true that making better decisions will give you less dramas that could have been avoided. I’ve said several times in this thread I worry about the seeming lack of focus on your dcs. You even mentioned worrying about HIS dcs ( bizarrely enough). I think it’s time you look very hard at the REAL relationships in your life and try to build a fulfilling world around them. I do think good things will come of getting your priorities right. If nothing else, you will attract a different sort of man ( if that’s still your priority).

OP

do you work?
Have friends in RL?