Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

I'm sure you must be aware that humans are complex creatures and that they can feel all sorts of different emotions at once.

People can feel immense guilt but also feel sad for themselves at the same time. People can even feel like they love and hate people at the same time. People will often go through the full spectrum of emotions when dealing with finding out about deception. It has to be pretty unnerving to find out that someone who was a very significant person in her life was not who she thought he was at all.

Not sure why this is coming across as weird to you unless you don't know any humans in real life.

Oh how lazy.
Not everyone who has the ability to empathise has been an OW.

You’d empathise with an OW sooner than their victims. It’s a pretty obvious straw to clutch. You don’t seem to have any empathy for women who are obviously triggered by people defending evil.

An OW broke up my marriage and upset DC
( We - ex DH and I - get on fine now however after many years of divorce)
However I can see that this bloke here is a manipulative little shit and OP just ought to flush the turd and his dramas out of her life.

Yep but the OP has not even mentioned having any guilt at all about being the OW, where did she mention "immense guilt" - I didn't see it.

People will often go through the full spectrum of emotions when dealing with finding out about deception. It has to be pretty unnerving to find out that someone who was a very significant person in her life was not who she thought he was at all.

I’m sure the same can be said of his wife - not much empathy for her it would seem.

Well perhaps look for another thread if you find this one so triggering. I'm sure there's a few thousand other ones you can find to pass the time on 😉

Have you actually read her posts or just jumped in at the back end?

You'll get over it, eventually.

A quick story from me. Complete text book, I started dating a guy a fair few years ago.

Knew he had kids, told me he was divorced (I was going through a divorce at the time) we lived a few hundred miles apart but that suited me, I would go there, he would come here, quite often would just turn up when he knew I was having a shit time, when we were apart we were on FaceTime constantly. The morning and good night text, I met his dad!

We went back and forth and he would never actually commit, so I started dating other people. When it looked like it was getting serious one.
He then started making plans to move here. Found a job. Sorted out time with his children (all be it older!) and then a few months down the line, I found out he was actually married.

My word fell apart that day, I had NO idea. It was so clichè. I was his age but his wife was fifteen years old, I was pretty much a younger version, we actually look very similar.

I cut contact, he drove 350 miles and turned up, he wouldn't leave me alone, I was heart broken, and it took me a very very long time
To get over that, I told his wife, they are of course still together, he tried to pull the "she's lying" crap, but I thankfully have thousands and thousands of messages and pictures I forwarded to her. I answered her questions, told her the truth, and then I blocked them both. Selfishly part of me also knew if I told her, if she could put a face to the name, it would make things easier to cut off, and it did.

Four year on, I've met someone else and I'm very happy now and often remind myself that things happen for a reason, I'm getting married this year :)

You will move on from him, although it won't seem like it now, but you will,

I really think you are going to need professional help to get over this OP. I have had a partly similar experience with my ex-husband and although I was the wife not the OW his lies and level of deception was completely unbelievable to me. He then later wanted to see me again years later pretending he still had feelings for me when unbeknownst to me he was actually married to his third wife and was taking his wedding ring off in the car before visiting me.
The whole thing left me not knowing which way was up and like you I had felt he was my soul mate.
He was a master manipulator. I don’t think I will ever trust anyone ever again.
As for karma there really is no such thing so I wouldn’t let that bother you one way or the other.
I know you said you wouldn’t want to publicise this at all but there really would be a great book in this if you ever found writing cathartic.

In all honesty you seem pretty triggered yourself @NotQuiteNorma so am guessing you are or have been an OW. As far as I can see from posts this guy was saying he was unhappy in his marriage so she thought it was fine to go ahead. It doesn't exactly exude shining morals

No I wouldn't. This isn't a thread from the wife is it?

It's not an obvious straw to clutch, it's a lazy argument designed to shut people up because you don't like their opinions.

People can be triggered by cheaters but that doesn't make it ok to lash out at strangers and try to make them feel like dirt.

If people are so triggered by cheaters then is MN the best place for them? Every day there are multiple threads about cheating.

I can see that people think that others are 'defending evil' because I have seen how those who are triggered talk about OW on here, often deliberately choosing the most degrading, disgusting language to describe them or what went on, even if the OW or past OW is clearly struggling badly, but that doesn't mean that others are defending evil, people are simply defending a human being who made mistakes, and she doesn't seem evil to me.

Does having empathy for the wife mean that you have to attack the OW?
Nope, it doesn't 🙄

It's possible to empathise with both.

This

The fact is you betrayed his wife and most importantly their children by becoming involved with the father, who you knew was a married man.

This is nonsense. The only person who can betray your marriage vows is the person who made them with you. It is no-one else's responsibility to protect your marriage. The only person who can betray their responsibilities as a parent is the parent. It is not on random members of society to ensure your spouse is faithful and parents your children.

OP's betrayal was of her own marriage vows. More significantly, she has repeatedly betrayed her responsibility to herself to care for her own wellbeing.

I'm sorry OP this is awful snd regardless of all the backround, loosing someone you've been close to for 12 years is huge, let alone someone who turns out to be completely different from what you thought. Please block him. No contact is the only way. Believe me, I know.

This man is an industrial grade liar. Assuming the wife knew everything - about all of the women - who seriously thinks she'd be blaming them? Is that what you'd think, if your husband was carrying on like this? No, you'd be thinking "Jesus Christ, what did I marry?!". The specifics of the many other women are neither here nor there at this point - there's one very big common denominator and the wife is thankfully free of him at last. I should think he's only moved in with the girlfriend because the wife got wise and kicked him out!

If there are any OW on the thread, consider this post as absolving you of all responsibility for knowingly getting involved with a married man and breaking up his family.

Yes, and let's also not forget that there is more than one marriage vow, and even if the OP's ex-husband kept his vow to forsake all others, he certainly broke a few other vows.

@Rosscameasdoody I agree- there really are some hard faced don't give a shit people about - yes it's your partner that has disrespected you, but it takes two

I find it difficult to believe your children knew nothing of this man, for 12 years.

In between avoiding his wife and family, and your family and him running a company and travelling.

You made your choice many years ago to be this man's 'best friend', this was the hook that held you in place for many years. Every step of the way he has been demoting you, you must have known this day would come, it's sad because you feel he has ruined your life, stolen your chances but these points are no different from how his wife feels, heck she may still not even know.

You have excused him for a long time because you felt there was a connection like no other, you were too interesting for him to dump, he couldn't live without your company.
All of it was lies, you offered him unconditional love and he took it, you should have expected more for yourself. It sounds like everyone around you can see what this man is, but he is all you've got and are terrified to loose him, your children have grown up whilst you have been dangling, it can't have been good for them.

I honestly feel you should expose him because as long as you keep his secrets you will never move on. I would be contacting his wife to make sure she's not being abused and gaslighted as you have been.
Along with all this is all the different women's agency over their own sexual health he's taken.

Terrible man.

I believe the main person who has betrayed her own vows to herself is the OP, but maybe she never had them in the first place.

Oh OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's easy to bash people for having affairs but it sounds as though you were very vulnerable for many reasons, and made some bad decisions. Bottom line is - a cheating slimeball will always find someone to cheat with.

You've lost a lot over the years, and now you've lost what you thought was your best friend - and a regular point of contact. Clearly that was all based on lies - but still hard for you.

I had a weird narcissistic BF for a few years in my 30s. He became very controlling and eventually extremely violent, so I think you've dodged a bullet. But the lies and embellishments took me right back - he told his workmates he had a dog (he didn't). He wrote a pretend letter from an imaginary girl to himself to see if I would get jealous (I did). He told me his Dad had died, they were estranged but he was sad so I spent days being caring and sympathetic - then his Dad rang a week later! He was still very close to to his ex and her family. He said her Mum had died so I did the sympathy thing - then they sent a postcard from all of them. He said they were so upset they couldn't bear to leave the Mum's name off the card........

Psycho weirdos are just that! Take time to be kind to yourself - but please be very grateful that you didn't end up with this man! I wish you a much happier future.....

Unfortunately humans are flawed and many people don't 'exude shining morals' when they are vulnerable.

The number of posters who come here to crow and judge and insult this poor broken woman. Just stop