Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

How can you be talking on the phone (locked up in a bathroom with angry man banging the door) while scrolling through messages? Unless of course the phone was on speakerphone? I'm confused at the logistics.

But she knew he had no intention of moving in with her 3 years ago and was saying she wanted to move house and not give him her address and go no contact. This is after he paid for half of the house in cash "as a gift" and she got the mortgage in her sole name and only her name on the deeds so yes she sold the house, moved and still kept seeing him as "friends" but with flirty texts and no intimacy. Apparently he is a well known "high profile" person who would attract a "media frenzy" but she apparently didn't realise he was rich until he paid gave the cash for the house, so how high profile can that be?? So the only "truth" she found out was that after she says she ended it, 18 months later he met another woman and continued his scummy ways.

That's if what's been said is true.

Honestly if you're making comments like this to try to kick someone when they're down (as people often do on OW threads) then you're even worse than the people you're criticizing.

It's just pure nasty.

And shows a serious lack of empathy in itself, if you can only ever empathise with the person who was initially wronged, you need practically zero empathy skills to do that 😂

Personally I think knowingly having an affair with a married man is nasty. Loving all the self righteous comments here from people....whose partners have clearly never had an affair.

No.Women Who Love Too Much is so last century and victim blaming.Block him or get revenge.I thought I was bad wasting 4 years ...

Before the whited sepluchres start lecturing on the evils of fallen women, you sound like a very sincere person who has been strung along by a very manipulative dishonest person. People do fall in love and marriages break up, and the guilt can be very hard to bear. Some people engage in extra marital affairs without any intention of leaving home. They haven't fallen in love, they are bored with very large egos and a sense of entitlement, and they gamble on their spouse being passive.
What would concern me more, is that you invested far too much faith in this man, and therefore you were easy to deceive. Perhaps your guilt about leaving your marriage made you less ‘demanding’ than you should have been? Was your husband emotionally abusive? Has it made you ‘too grateful’ when others to take an interest in you? There’s a very good saying about people with character ‘they never ask of others, something they aren't prepared to do themselves’. This man sounds deeply unpleasant and a prolific liar, you have had a narrow escape. You have survived. Forget about him, liars don't tell the truth, so don't torture yourself by analysing his lies ‘How can you tell when a serial adulterer is lying? Every time they open their mouth’. He’s a conman, thank God he didnt get your money and dont let him mess with your sanity any more. If you had lived with him, he would have used and abused you mercilessly. Wishing you good luck and be kind to yourself.

The probem is op you are trying understand this whole shitshow through the eyes of someone normal, someone with a concience, with empathy with logic.

You are not thinking big enough, this man made you believe he was your friend, someone you could trust and rely on, even if you no longer had a sexual relationship. You think his lies are are in a controlled sphere, his wife, his children and now you and this woman. This will be the tip of the iceberg, you know it deep down that he is capable, this internal fight you have is with yourself, no one could be that bad and how could I possibly fall for this scam.
That doesn't absolve you of blame, in fact it is your shame that keeps him in control of you.

12 years, is nothing for some of these operators, the ony weird thing is how you think you're the only one, there could be others lasting 20/30 years running concurantly, some longstanding with him financially investing in them.

Does he have a financial investment/hold over you?, many of these men buy the woman in some way.
He has many plates spinning but the information you have found out this week will not be as clear cut as you think, this man hasn't managed to keep you secret for 12 years without being clever, his girlfriend getting his phone doesn't sound feasible. These types of men have numerous options for the correct communication to be used for the appropriate woman, which you are probably aware of. No, I think she's seen this for a reason and you are being involved for a reason.
His reasons. He hasn't been caught, he's up to something else, but what, it's never as simple as what you think, the lies you uncover are lies themselves, lies he's allowed you to uncover, he's still in control still orchestrating all the people around him.

Maybe it's time for you to be finally discarded and this new girlfriend is being used so your anger is displaced onto her, he may well dump her after she's served her purpose.

The thing is you know absolutely nothing about him, nobody does, that's how he likes it unfortunately these people damage everyone they come into contact with, as for his wife, I would join forces with this girlfriend and speak to her, this is a con man and a crook, he needs to be exposed at least with his victims.
There is safety in numbers.

Are you frightened of him in any way?

@pam290358 I just don't agree that an expression of empathy is to portray someone as a victim. She has suffered at the hands of a horrible man. The fact that she was a participant in infidelity doesn't change the fact that he has behaved terribly. I do agree however that she needs to find a way to take ownership over her choices but I think that is about understanding the reasons for them, not coding herself as "the architect of her own downfall" which carries a sense of blame. Responsibility and blame are different things emotionally.

@Rosscameasdoody therapists don't "advise" anyone to do anything. First rule of therapy!

Am I scared of him.
interesting question.

Before yesterday, no. But when I heard him yelling about what a liar I was etc I and banging I realised that if I have somehow brought his whole house of cards down then he could well be someone to be scared of.

He was always totally in control, every time we met, yesterday he wasn’t.

He blames me. He’s blaming it all on me. She’s sent me all his messages saying that.

if she dumps him too (already one other woman has) then I will be the one in the firing line I expect.

maybe I deserve that too 🤷‍♀️

He’s horrid.
i feel so sorry for his wife.
a rule of thumb is if they’ve done it once they’ll do it again.
some men are incapable of monogamy

What on earth is a “whited sepluchre”?

… or who know they might quite like to…

Wow! Just wow! OP here's hoping he gets his karma in spades, what a pathetic excuse for a human he sounds. Yes you shouldn't have become involved with him as you were aware he was married but hey life happens. I really hope you are able to move on from all of this and rebuild your life for you and your children 💐

The comments are responding to the 'self-righteous' comments from others.

It's fine to think it's nasty, but to want to pile on and add to another persons pain is nasty also...so there you go!

if she dumps him too (already one other woman has) then I will be the one in the firing line I expect.

What do you mean? Are you worried about what he'll do?

I'd love to meet a man who has all these women mesmerised and fooled. I wonder if he seeks put vulnerable people he knows he can manipulate it if he's just very clever

I’m not sure. He has never shown any sign of violence, never even raised his voice. But the messages he is sending her, he’s very cross with me.

But she phoned you didn't she?

if she dumps him too (already one other woman has) then I will be the one in the firing line I expect.

How do you know this, were you involved in him dumping another woman.?

I trust you are putting her straight?

OP, if you block him and don't let him into your life, there are not many legal ways that he could still impact upon you. I'm getting the feeling that something in you is drawn to the drama; I don't think it makes you happy exactly, but it satisfies something in you. That might be why you've given him 12 years of your life even after he absolutely screwed you over and now he's done it again and you're still thinking about being in his firing line rather than just getting out of that firing line, cutting your losses and losing this venomous parasite.

He isn't your problem any more.

Yes.
Maybe he thought I would lie and protect him?

Nope. Nothing to do with me.

It sounds like the plot of a film. I bet lots of men would think he was their hero. Sickening. I hope you find some peace eventually, knowing it was definitely him, not you.