Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

At no point did I say she was either stupid or bad. What is indisputable is that she is 50% responsible for what’s happened because she entered into this relationship knowing that he was married with a family. She didn’t think of herself as a victim then. It’s only now that it’s blown up in her face she’s taken on that role by corresponding with her ‘successor’ - his current girlfriend. The model for change is to stop thinking of herself as the victim and using it as an excuse not to end things, walk away and get the help she needs to avoid embarking on another disastrous and abusive relationship. No-one is saying that’s easy but a thread full of people reinforcing the victim narrative isn’t exactly promoting that as the healthy thing to do.

As in end speaking to her. It’s up to her what she does now.

She explained this specifically a couple of times. She moved into the house and was going to spend a year letting them getting to know her partner before they lived together.
She said dp wanted to meet them straight away but she never allowed it.
In fact they never met him and as she said years went by in which she never saw him.
Why are you so compelled to pile on someone who has said they are near suicidal? There's an issue that need looking at.

How old is he?

The fact you are talking about "ending it" isn't good OP, there is nothing to end, I'd put money on him doing damage limitation with the now girlfriend and if that fails, one of the other women he's been seeing. In the incredibly unlikely event that he comes crawling back to you, you would be an enormous fool to even respond to him.

You are in part the architect of this huge, red flagged mess and need to own that, block him, lick your wounds and rebuild your life.

End talking to her is what I was I was saying.
I'm not talking to him!

I’m really not piling on. I’m just trying to understand the mindset of someone who is so entrenched in a relationship with a man who has let her down time and time again, that she would risk contact with her children who already have mental health problems - presumably from witnessing the abuse from her first marriage. Moving them from one abusive relationship to another isn’t exactly in their best interests, whatever the time frame.

She only found out the truth yesterday for Gods sake, she has only engaged with the current girlfriend since yesterday evening.
What she's doing right now isn't unhealthy, she is allowed to be so upset and to be trying to find out some answers and the full scale of his deception. She is allowed to feel sorry for herself. She is allowed to feel like he deceived her. She's allowed to feel like a victim and it isn't unhealthy for others to try to console her.

That's literally part of the process of dealing with huge shocks and betrayals.

She was hardly going to start therapy this morning 😂

Your advice is nowhere near as wise and sensible as you think it is. And in fact a therapist would be very very likely to be empathizing with her hugely!

OP you’ve got some good advice within this thread.

You have to change your mindset. In your opening post, you blamed your behaviour on your abusive husband. You then drip fed that you have a chronic health condition. Then you posted that you’d been sexually abused by your stepfather. You need to take accountability for your own choices, all of these things do not absolve you of responsibility.

Stop engaging with him, the girlfriend and anyone else involved in this shitshow. See a solicitor pronto to find out where you stand re this house (I couldn’t work out if you’re still living there).

You really need to work on yourself otherwise you’ll be back posting again in three years time following another disastrous “relationship”. Learn from your mistakes and get some counselling.

OK, I misunderstood.

If you were wise, you wouldn't engage with her though. You won't clear your name as if he is as convincing a liar as you say, he'll persuade her that you are mad and making it up. You are nothing to her apart from being a potential rival and don't owe her your time, as she owes you nothing.

Think only of yourself in this because no one else involved will.

not always true. and these women will only stay for money or babies.go out with a younger guy-not seriously younger but play them at their own game.You will need to get serious revenge on this guy to feel better. Preferably a hit man or woman. failing that embarrassing him at his work place.or something else.

do you have any scary looking male relatives to frighten him with.?
sorry but you will need revenge.no use telling her to move on until that.having said that, 12 years???

Oh my God OP, don't start sending your dad and brother round to willy waggle at him.

Or this. Don't do this either. But I'm starting to think it might not be serious.

Any therapist worth their salt would be advising OP to cut contact with the girlfriend immediately and walk away from the whole mess. There is nothing to be gained by trying to discover the scale of the deception. It’s not going to make her feel any better knowing she was just part of an elaborate web of lies. The fact is, he’s been deceiving the OP for years and in her heart she knows it - that comes across strongly in her posts. The most important thing now is resolve to have nothing more to do with him and concentrate on herself and her children.

This!

i wouldn’t be shocked at all tbh 🤣

Rosscameasdoody and Untethered

For goodness sake. Can you please take your arguments to your inboxes. Seriously, your spat is insane.

The best thing you can do is find someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated. Don't let him pull you back in and use you again.

Once you're in an amazing relationship you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. And you know he'll be looking at the social media pics of you both on fab holidays together and kicking himself for it.

So well said! Women are perfectly capable of making rational, ethical decisions, implying that they arent is basically confirming that women simply arent capable of acting like mature, sensible adults.

Women arent some weak, emotional, pathetic monolith who are so swayed by their emotions that any decision they make, no matter how damaging it is to another person, is perfectly excusable due to them being such feeble minded creatures simply because they own a vagina rather than a penis. Just look at the implications of this.

OP was happy to be the OW when it suited her, had zero empathy for the pain they were BOTH causing his wife and the kids. Oh, but now she is being deceived herself and the tables have turned then suddenly she deserves empathy by the bucket load.

Sorry OP, but you went into this with your eyes open. You are now reaping what you have sown. Yes, he is a dickhead but so are you. You have created a hell of your own making. Your choices are 100% on you.

What’s ‘insane’ is that you’re posting this over two hours after the ‘spat’ came to an end. Nearly three pages ago. Not one single post aimed at each other since. And it wasn’t a ‘spat’. I disagreed with this poster, and she with me. Happens all the time on MN. It was derailing the thread so I put an end to it at approximately 4.15pm. Thanks.

He will behave that way again and again. You will feel grateful I’m sure you aren’t the one married to him. I would suggest therapy. He is clearly manipulative and a good liar. He is the issue not you.

Don't worry about whether this particular young woman takes him back. If she does, more fool her. If she doesn't he will have another gullible young woman with Daddy issues lined up to take her place.
You need to cut all ties with him right now. Stop letting him use you as an emotional and physical support mattress. You have wasted more than enough of your life on him while he was putting you and his wife through hell.
The only thing you know for sure about him is that he's a liar who is completely lacking any form of conscience. You deserve so much better. Whether you eventually find the love of your life who is worthy of you or not, one things for sure HE will eventually end up a bitter and lonely old man

He's a seasoned liar and manipulator as you now know.

Perhaps cling to this point, as it might help you to find your anger. This is a necessary phase in any grieving process and is cathartic. Once you've navigated it, it will set you well on the road to the healing process.

Redirect that misplaced guilt to where it belongs: anger toward this lying, using, conniving, shagging, manipulative, two-faced, exploitative, deceitful arsehole. You'll feel a lot better.

Horrific, OP. I'm so sorry.

Get therapy if you can. Someone who understands narcissistic abuse. The shock when you find out the person you loved doesn't exist and is just a empty evil void - that's traumatic.

https://www.truelovescam.com/

After a day? No they wouldn't.
There might not be anything to be gained from trying to uncover the scale of the deception, or maybe there might, but even if there isn't that does not stop the human desire that a lot of people have to find out the truth. And if someone has that desire then that often has to run its course and is part of the process.

Most therapists are not going to tell someone to stop going through a very normal part of the process after they find out about deception because that would be stopping a very human process and that's not healthy at all.

Also most therapists don't go telling people what to do either, certainly not in the early stages, unless what they were doing was massively out of the ordinary.

Of course if the person was going back week after week and was stuck doing the same thing then they would generally guide them to start making changes but no, right at the start literally when the person has first found out about the deception a therapist would not be telling their patients something that 99.9% of people weren't going to stick to, and if they did tell them they'd know that 99.9% of people wouldn't be able to follow that advice anyway because as I said, it's a normal human process!