Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

Sorry you've had this shit, but hope you avoid MM from now on
Please grey rock this twat, which is a perfect punishment as he can't live without you (apparently)
My friend had a long affair with a MM and she moved houses and county's to be with him. One day he rang her and said he was leaving his wife only to then be told he was marrying someone else!!!!!!

Realising someone you thought you knew is a sociopath is a shock, yes.

Go to counseling - try to figure out why you didn't have his guts for garters when he bailed on the house purchase. Why did you go back for more?

And this relationship was hot on the heels of an abusive marriage too.

Why are you ending up with men who are dangerous to you and a threat to your well-being and that of your children?

Tell her if he thinks you've been blackmailing him he needs to take his evidence to the police.

OP not really a twist is it?
Man who lies to get sex and attention from women, continues to lie to get sex and attention from women.

I appreciate you are shocked at the moment. Although it’s hard to see why. Maybe it’s because finally after all these years you have to face that this wasn’t a real relationship. Maybe it suited you to have a fantasy relationship? A counsellor will get to the bottom of that.

But anyway, give yourself one more day to wallow in the detail then stop exchanging messages with his gf. My guess, she will stay with him because he will tell her what she wants to hear and she’ll block you anyway.

Time to focus on your family and your new future.

This is a very simplified overview and a misrepresentation that conveniently leaves out all of the context. I wonder what the agenda could be there 🧐

I imagine the same posters who can see the nuance here would also have some sympathy for a man who, after being sexually abused by his stepmother and subsequently entering into an abusive marriage, ended up being manipulated by a woman who was living multiple different lives with multiple different men and lied to and financially abused them.

I've never heard of a situation like this, with the sexes reversed. Because women don't generally abuse men in the same way that OP has been abused by the men in her life. Don't pretend that the playing field is level for both sexes. It's absolutely not "anti feminist" to consider the context within which heterosexual relationships take place. Neither is extending some sympathy to this specific woman in these specific circumstances "portraying women as perpetual damsels in distress".

@Untethered
Yes, it's normal enough to change some details depending on the post. I'm not trying to accuse the OP of lying.
I suppose the reason I brought up an old post is because I think the OP is hiding the full truth from herself. She agrees that she is partly responsible for the effed up situation, but I wonder whether she has faced up to the specifics?
If she hasn't, then I'd worry about her entering into another unhealthy relationship in the future.

It is black and white. She’s not a victim. She’s a mistress, and that’s being nice. It’s really very simple- you find out someone is married, it ends. Same as if you were to find out some other unforgivable reason not to continue a relationship. If you lack the morals and standards to follow those societal norms then at least admit it rather than try and garner sympathy for intentionally trying to destroy a family and marriage and it backfiring.

This is the part of the relationship I cannot understand. Presumably this purchase would have involved solicitors, mortgage applications, proof of earnings, bank statements and all that entails. I can’t quite grasp how the OP ended up in financial trouble if the property and mortgage was in joint names.

It's not hard to see how she fell for 'sweet talk' and the promise of something 'better'.

It<#s the putting up with it for so long though that a lot of posters find hard to understand.

Hopefully his karma is about to hit!!

I can see how they might think that.

Women in RL who stay with situations like this have the belief that the longer it goes on, the greater the chance of them being together.

Sunk cost fallacy—OP was like a gambler who keeps making bets to try to recoup.

I disapprove of OWs and don't understand a lot of your decision-making. But I will say, OP, that you made an excellent choice in not introducing him to your kids. You have protected them from a sociopath. Well done.

OP... I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. You don't need to hear about Karma or anything else. You are hurt, I am sorry you bought and then lost your house. I hope you are secure and safe. Wrap yourself in your friends and allow yourself to heal. Be your best friend now and comfort rather than torture yourself.

You should think about stepping away from his girlfriend if she is going to continue sending messages.

And the sad thing is, it just leads to more sunk costs. More and more.

But OP, it is never too late to cut your losses.

A level playing field is nothing to do with it. The OP’s posts all portray her as the victim. She’s not. She was perfectly happy to be a mistress while the promise of him leaving his wife was dangled in front of her. OK, so as far as that goes it’s not unreasonable - some men do leave their wives, but FFS, twelve years ? Excuse after excuse, financially ruined because he backed out of a house purchase, In forgiving him one unforgivable transgression after another she’s the architect of her own downfall. Even now, when it’s all blown up in her face, instead of walking away and getting to the bottom of why she chooses shitty men, she’s corresponding with his next ‘victim’ and revelling in his downfall. And what of her children ? She’s mentioned they have mental health problems, but doesn’t seem to factor them into any of her decisions. Only a matter of time before history repeats itself.

OP mentions that her children have mental health problems but I don’t see any evidence of support for that on her part. She was going to move in with this man at one point - they were buying a house together. What was she going to do - move them in with a man they’d never met ?

@pam290358 I just don't see what benefit apportioning moral blame like this achieves. If we accept your narrative that the OP is to blame because she made stupid decisions, and stop there, concluding she is a bad and stupid person, what is your "model for change" as a therapist would say?

To tell her she is stupid and bad and should stop being stupid and bad?

Anyone who knows anything about psychology and behavioral change knows that this is not a basis from which change can come (not that we can change the past, but the OP can change her future, and others with her psychological profile could change their future BEFORE they make this sort of pattern of choices).

Firstly, because a state of shame is one of the least useful emotional states from which to try to change. This is well-evidenced across many areas and studies. Shame leads to self-loathing, avoidance of facing into issues, and a repeat of damaging patterns - the very opposite of change.

Secondly, because it contains no useful diagnostic insight. We have to understand WHY people make the choices they make. We can't just label them as stupid and bad. That isn't the same as portraying them as a victim. Understanding is not the same as excuse-making. It is the way to prevent history repeating itself.

yes

according to the other thread 3 years ago

Just that

I agree with the previous poster in thinking all this shaming and hectoring of OP is not usefulll.

This is in “Relationships “ not AIBU and OP hasn’t asked for judgement or condemnation—she has come on to share her situation. If even one or two other women recognize this pattern and change their behavior her post will have done more good thsn all the butchy attacks.

Is she questioning you on it like she believes him?

Surely not after seeing all of the other messages to other women also?

Precisely. I am sorry for her children. This site always thinks that men are solely to blame for anything that goes wrong in a woman's life, though, so sensible answers are thin on the ground. I'm not saying this man wasn't an awful person, but the OP was both naive and very selfish and she needs to move on and stop wallowing.

@honeyandbutterontoast Please stop communicating with the current gf, as long as she is still his gf. She is acting as an emotional conductor to him, as long as you communicate with her you are not truly going NC with him. You are clearly projecting a lot onto her as she is a proxy for you - another woman he has conned, except she is still in his life, so you get to be in his life in some way by communicating with her. I would firmly but kindly cut off contact with her, unless she has ended it with him and you guys can form a supporting relationship that doesn't just triangulate him!

I will answer her questions today then end it.

its horrendously painful how he has accused me of things I haven’t done.