Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

Absolutely spot on.

I haven’t misunderstood anything. I’m not pretending anything. I’m not disingenuous. You misunderstood a poster. And in the process you have become angrier and more defensive, attacking anyone who argues the toss and derailing the thread in defence of your misunderstanding. I’m not angry. I contribute to threads, they reach their conclusion and I move on. Nothing to be angry about and it’s certainly not worth raising my blood pressure for.

I don't think any of this sounds fun.

So you're saying I'm angry and yet can't give a single example of me being angry? Helpful.

I've not attacked anyone, I've just responded calmly to people accusing me of not being able to read, when they demonstate time and time again that they're the ones not reading properly, like your post upthread.

If anyone is derailing the thread it's you, it's you who @'d me.

The black and white thinking of all 'OW' needs to end - let's not pretend like we aren't all aware that men are typically the instigators of affairs, and lets not pretend as if the men who instigate and have these affairs do not lie, heavily manipulate, and warp women's minds with their idealistic story telling and fake promises and 'love'. If you're not a strong person (which a huge amount of people are not even if they don't want to admit it), it is actually very easy for a man to skew your perception of reality and self to fit their narrative. People are extremely blinded by love, or what they think is love and if you are in a vulnerable state (abusive relationship, trauma, life events) then even more so. Women make up the majority of domestic abuse victims and men make up the majority of the perpetrators and this includes mental/emotional abuse - just because they're the OW doesn't mean they aren't victim to lies and emotional turmoil and manipulation too. In an ideal world we're all strong enough to shut down men's advances but let's be realistic, they're not approaching women with the line, 'Hi, would you like to have an affair with me? By the way I won't ever leave my wife.'. If they did, I guarantee the number of 'OW' would reduce dramatically. But no, they know that doesn't work, which is why they make up elaborate lies and make fake promises to keep these women stringing along. In situations like this I'm not going to even call OP the 'OW' - I would call her a victim.

A +1 for the very sage advice given to you by this poster. Too right you don't want to curl up and die. For the sake of a man? No one is worth this degree of concentrated pain. Men can be got over. A permanent solution to a temporary problem cannot.

You've wasted 12 years: this is now unfixable, so focus on what you can fix right now. Make a pact with yourself that you are not going to look back and waste any more of your time. The thing you should by no means do next is spend time trying to disengangle the lies from the truth. It's an exercise in futility: you'll end up like a hamster on a treadmill to nowhere, never finding the answers you seek. He's screwed with your head too much to make that possible. Detach yourself from those messages - one sharp cut rather than death by a thousand - and take the short-term pain. It's the fastest route through all this.

This man is loser, a pathological liar, a manipulator, and very likely a psychopath. Do not let this worthless human being take any more from you. Wouldn't you agree he's already taken enough?

The other women are not important, but the current girlfriend has, IMO, given you the greatest gift possible: your life back. Applaud her. Your future now belongs solely to you. You are rid of this blight on your life forever. Whilst this causes you pain in the here and now, I can promise there's a time coming down the track when you'll be grateful for the fact. There's another time, somewhat further away but still visible in the distance, when you'll cease to give him headspace at all.

Those times are not so very far away. You can go the distance, and reaching them is totally within your capability.

There's arseholes of either gender out
we need to be aware of or Wary of...

And yet she doesn’t want to take the advice given here. Instead she’s still involved up to her neck - as evidenced by her latest post. She’s corresponding with the girlfriend about his excuses to her for not disengaging from the OP. She’s not beating herself up in the slightest. She’s immersing herself in the drama of it all and proving in the process that she can’t let go. Unless people on here stop reinforcing her idea that she’s the victim and encourage her to take responsibility for her part in all of this, she’ll wake up in another twelve years after another shitbag takes her for a ride.

I'm so sorry you have been let down like this. You could be writing about my ex-husband (best friend, confidant, clubbing partner, oh and father to our two children) who I found out was not only shagging every woman he could BUT also had a 4 year secret relationship with another girl! All this after we had lost our home through his bankruptcy, moved in with my mum and had another baby.

You don't need this man in your life - please try and put him behind you as he will NEVER change.

I don't get it. One of your posts from 11/06/23 doesn't mention this man and says you got divorced 8 years ago when in this current thread you say you were with this cheater for 12 years.

Post here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/4825017-im-embarrassing-my-kids-apparently?reply=126800797

So while it's not completely contradictory (maybe you were cheating on your exDH for 4 years?), it does seem like you have a history of trying to present things in the most flattering light possible. Perhaps reflect on that. Being brutally honest with yourself is the only way to avoid getting into another mess.

Being brutally hones with yourself is the only way to avoid getting into another mess

never going to happen

Rubbish. The OP knew he was married with a family and she chose to get involved with him. She chose to accept his excuses for not leaving his wife for twelve years !! She was going to buy a house and move in with this man, despite knowing he would have to desert his wife and kids to do so, but she was quite happy to do it. Until it all blew up in her face and she realised she’d been strung along. You’re not doing her any favours by telling her she’s the victim. She’s not. She’s 50% responsible for what happened. And that post is spot on. If this isn’t a cautionary tale against knowingly getting involved with a married man, I don’t know what is. If he’ll do it to his wife and family, he’ll do it to you.

And you should look both ways before you cross the road, but what's that got to do with the subject?

Jeez OP what a journey 😒
I really do have sympathy but if I was in your shoes I would be counting my blessings of having had a lucky escape. Just imagine if he had moved in with you and this happened, because it probably would have done.
I also wonder if he strung along other women during the last 12 years too. He does seem rather a 'free spirit'.

Can’t be arsed with this any more.Think what you want. I’m happily, un- angrily moving on and leaving you to derail to your hearts’ content.xxxxx

I don't agree with trawling through a poster's history to expose inconsistencies in their account. Nonetheless, the last line of this post is kind and good advice.

OP, you've had such a number done on you by your past two disastrous relationships that your self-esteem seems understandably shot to pieces. Brutal self-honesty is a different thing entirely from your current position of beating yourself up with guilt, which is a waste of emotion and isn't going to help you or anyone else.

I'd strongly recommend intensive therapy to come to terms with your history of abuse, to disentangle what exactly has brought you to this unenviable place, and to ensure you never go back to it in the future.

I think she does refer to him obliquely ("one disastrous relationship").

People do change details from thread to thread to be less identifying.

Because narcissists need a constant supply to fall back on.

OP, I have sympathy for you, you have been messed around by a first class liar and treated badly. The wife and other women have been treated extremely badly too and I also feel sympathy for them.

I think you need counselling, can you access it through your GP? You need to move on from this man and start living again.

As an aside, I can’t help thinking this man must have a diamond encrusted dick or something along those lines. 🤔

I’m going through something very similar atm, you have my full sympathy op.

Ive been completely blindsided.

In fact if you hadn’t said your dickhead had dcs I would think it was the same man!

That's a good idea to write it out. And repeatedly think about what would be different in the future.

I don't get it. One of your posts from 11/06/23 doesn't mention this man and says you got divorced 8 years ago when in this current thread you say you were with this cheater for 12 years.

@DuckDuck1234 She said that they met when they were both married. And she went on to leave her H and divorce him.

That surely means that it took 4 years for her divorce to come through- it can take a while if one person is being awkward and dragging it out.

There is a query though over how her children were saying she ought to be dating and not an embarrassing singleton. So maybe she just kept him very quiet?

Maybe the two of you should get a room...

This is an incredibly sad thread.
For many reasons.

The OPs history is one of abuse by her step father (physical) and her ex H raped her.

It's not hard to see how she fell for 'sweet talk' and the promise of something 'better'.

OP, stop beating yourself up. He’s a real shit through and through.
His initials aren’t CN are they? My friend was also strung along by a cheating lying bastard married man for 12 years and several things you’ve said , even down to the dog, sound very, very similar to things he said.