Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

This has been recommended three times on this post- it really is a good book.

for posters saying this thread might not be true-
Mumsnet mods can look into background to see if a likely wind- up or not.

reread the frothy nonsense you post? No thank you

(unless of course a poster is criticising the royal family…. then your frothy lecture goes out the window it would seem 😂 )

Genuinely, my first contribution to this thread was that 2 people, deserved sympathy, not the OP. Those 2 people were affair partner's ex wife, and current girlfriend.

Since the you've been sniping at me repeatedly about sympathy for OP's abusive ex.

Are you quite alright? Do you have someone with you in real life to talk to?

More fool you.
You have to take responsibility for allowing him to manipulate you like he did. You made it so easy for him, he then got bored and moved on, it's a tale as old as time.
You sound more gutted about the fact he won't contact you again, even though he's thrown you under a bus.

This is why you don’t get with married men. No sympathy.

Neither of you were thinking of your spouses when you were doing the dirty behind their backs and BUYING A HOUSE ffs 🤦‍♀️ People like you deserve everything you get.

I guess the old adage applies. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

I don't think there's anything to gain by the 'what ifs' and 'shouldn't haves'. I think OP you are deeply vulnerable and need to work on yourself so that this kind of thing never happens to you again. You clearly weren't the only one he was cheating on his wife with. That's on him. You got out of your marriage.

What I think is even more unforgiveable is how he led you into a financial mess, stood by and watched you drown in it.

Have you bought your own place since @honeyandbutterontoast? Hope you have blocked and deleted.

It's time to focus on yourself and not defective men.

Your back pedalling is embarrassing! 😆You said:

What weird responses in this thread. Cheating on your own DH and being the other woman is now perfectly fine so long as your affair partner is a massive POS.

2 people in this story deserve sympathy, bút it's not any of the cheaters.

So clearly one of the people you thought as deserving of sympathy is OP's abusive ex.

The only one you're kidding is yourself!

The “ no nice a cheater, always a cheater “ say comes to mind . He always had multiple life’s , he finds it normal and easy . Do yourself a favour and cut all contact once and for all

@honeyandbutterontoast Get some therapy following this entire situation. Some of the things you have described are such obvious lies (he was never planning in buying house with you, he was never considering how to tell you he got divorced, he was never depressed...) that it must have taken a shocking amount of manipulation for you to believe him

Even the most trusting person would know you can't just buy a house with a married man, so for you to go through with this there must have been a long history of breaking your boundaries and making you question your judgement - focus on addressing this damage first

@Untethered

Are you ok?

I read that poster's words as meaning exactly what they later explained - that their sympathy was for the bloke's wife and his current girlfriend. Not for the abusive ex.

You got the wrong end of the stick and instead of just leaving it, you're doubling down and derailing the thread with obsessive posts when it was just a misunderstanding 🤷🏻‍♀️

Taking what you have told us at face value, you have suffered at the hands of a highly intelligent manipulating narcissist! He would also need to be a consummate liar. Very few could pull off such a long term premeditated deception. It would be necessary to have the emotional depth of a stone to abuse anyone as he has you. His motives are entirely for his own gratification.

Don’t for one minute blame yourself for having genuine feelings of love and sympathy that have been manipulated and totally taken advantage of. You sound like a ‘normal’ well adjusted woman who has been tricked into investing years of your life in a monster. This was not due to any inadequacy on your part…it could happen to any of us because we are ALL vulnerable to deceitful manipulation.

The only way to put this behind you is to move on and live life to the full. You obviously have a lot to offer so don’t let this abuser ruin anymore of your life. Don’t let it colour your opinion of all men as most men don’t behave like that. Thank you for having the courage to tell us what happened to you.
xx

Hi @honeyandbutterontoast gosh what a horrible mess. And for you to be treated so badly. Granted you’ve made decisions coming from an abusive marriage yourself.

I know you said you don’t have time/money for therapy but look at Mind and speak to your GP. Any support you can get will help.

Her life was not ruined by this man, her life was ruined by her own choices.

She chose to have an affair with a married man for 12 years.

She has children with mental health issues. She planned to buy her dream house with a married man because he's apparently rich.

Her children, his children, his wife... She was fine screwing them over when it was going to benefit her.

This thread is so fucked up.

She shouldn't punish herself forever, but there is zero remorse for his wife and kids, or even her own kids.

Nope. She meant exactly what she said. The blokes wife and the current girlfriend. That’s how I read it. Never occurred to me that she would mean the OP’s abusive ex - why would she ?

Where does she say the bloke's wife and the current girlfriend?

She clearly does mean the abusive ex because that's who she refers to in the preceding paragraph (see below):

----

"What weird responses in this thread. Cheating on your own DH and being the other woman is now perfectly fine so long as your affair partner is a massive POS.

2 people in this story deserve sympathy, bút it's not any of the cheaters."

@Untethered

Where does she say the bloke's wife and the current girlfriend?

She didn't. She said two people.

Myself, another poster just now (and presumably others) took that to mean his wife and current girlfriend.

You read it differently and believed she was referring to the abusive ex husband.

You were mistaken and that wasn't what she meant. Bizarre to keep going on about it tbh.

You're sailing close to the wind with your personal attacks.

Sorry you have a problem with understanding.

I feel sorry for you.

Then she should have clarified who she means instead of accusing people of not reading properly.

You likely didn't read it as the wife and current girlfriend but you're choosing to pretend you did because you all love sticking in the boot to OP.

@Untethered

Then she should have clarified who she means instead of accusing people of not reading properly.

You sound really angry about something a stranger has written on an anonymous forum. I hope you're ok.

You likely didn't read it as the wife and current girlfriend but you're choosing to pretend you did because you all love sticking in the boot to OP.

I read it exactly that way, as I said. I'm not sure why you think I could be arsed to lie about it.

And I'm not sticking the boot in. In fact, on a previous thread by OP I spent time offering support and advice because she sounded desperately unwell and confused.

People make mistakes. People are only human. OP made mistakes. I'm not going to vilify her because she's clearly feeling shit enough already.

It's really odd behaviour to accuse multiple people of lying about their meanings / understandings / motivations on an online forum.

Stress less, you'll have a nicer day!

I could of wrote a very similar story OP ..don't beat yourself up .. the man is obviously narcissistic like my guy was ... move on be happy ..and block him on EVERYTHING

Of course she should blame herself. She was in an abusive marriage and got involved with a man she knew to be married with a family (allegedly) - basically swapping one abusive relationship for another. She allowed herself to be strung along for twelve bloody years of shitty excuses not to leave his ‘wife’ that deep down she knew were just that - excuses. Does that scream normal and well adjusted to you ?

Instead of doing what she should have done a long time ago - recognising that she chooses abusive men, walking away and getting some therapy, she’s now inserted herself into the drama of the current girlfriend. Having blown up his deception to her she now feels ‘responsible’. It’s nothing of the sort, it’s vengeance because instead of winning, she’s lost to a younger woman. Stop giving her excuses to carry on as she is, because inevitably it will result in yet another abusive man taking advantage of her vulnerability. She needs to take responsibility for her part in all of this and get proper help so that she doesn’t end up with more regrets another twelve years down the line.

I think something that needs to be pointed out here is that socially and financially OP has perceived herself as punching above her weight. From the get go this creates a lot of space for abuse and submissive/foolish behavior on the part of the victim (OP).

OP probably accepted a lot of the secrecy and the absurd financial improprieties because she thought of her ex as “so special” that he needed protection by her and also that he was so wealthy that “buying a house for her” was both no big deal And a natural reward for protecting him and serving this important man.

Many of the same dynamics can occur when the position s are reversed as in the case if Constance Martens. Vulnerable people are easily manipulated and turn abusers into hero/victims in their minds.

OP was a scam victim and like a lot of cons the con starts by getting the mark to do something immoral or illegal with the con man so that they become partners in crime.

The affair was the start of the con.

I read it as the wife and current girlfriend and so did other posters. The fact is that meanings sometimes get lost in the text and things come across as different from the posters’ intent. Why are you so angry ? Projecting ?

Why is it angry people always default to cliched lines like 'you sound so angry' and 'have a nice day'. It's so tediously obvious!