Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

But yes actually the scenario of gradually meeting him over a year or so made sense to me.
You were buying a house together, to live in it together, but you were planning on introducing your children AFTER it was bought. Where was he supposed to live during this year?

You said no to meeting early on but most people introduce their children before buying a house together. What would have happened if your children hated him or he found your parenting skills severely lacking?? This just doesn't make sense however you spin it.

True, but it just does not seem fair that he has probably messed around with so many women and really did a number on original poster. He should pay. But I get what you are saying. It might be better to just stay away and move on.

@honeyandbutterontoast couldn’t you sue him for compensation and emotional distress?? Go in with the other women impacted….. you have enough evidence with all the msgs and emails.

I still think better to focus on you and healing, lots of therapy.

However, you probably have a strong enough case, especially if you go to your GP now and state why you are mentally unwell at present/suffering etc and in need of support.

Why are you so concerned for the other women now when you didn't care about his wife all those years? I'm baffled as to why you're so shocked that the man who cheated on his wife and treated her despicably has treated you the same way?

This is not about karma or that you deserve it. I think you were vulnerable after your last relationship, he knew that as most women would have told him to fuck off at the beginning. You really need to work on yourself to make sure you don't get caught up with another bastard again. Good luck.

I don’t think OP has to go to the media but the threat that she might will be enough to keep him away from her. But only if she shows she’s no longer the doormat he thinks and shows the anger he’s never seen and not the sympathy and loyalty he relies on. Nothing will sort him out faster because men like this are weak.

As to the moral code crew, life has a funny way of delivering the karma you so love, to everyone, eventually, even those who think their superiority will save them from it.

The women who want to lambast the other woman more than the married man are very often the spouses of the men who are cheating, because they know they’ll get less shit for it than those awful other women. If you all knew how many and how openly married men are on apps, you’d change your tune about it being the other women who are the problem. Sure those women don’t have to engage with them but the crux of the matter is the men shouldn’t be on there in the first place. The men ARE the problem.

I'm sorry you have wasted so much time on someone so evil. You understandably feel devastated that you have completely misjudged him but you need to pull yourself up and sort your life out for your DC. Be angry with him if that helps. Block, block, block. Delete messages and emails. Keep busy and you'll have less time to think about him. Work at improving your finances. You will never understand how or why he is like this so don't waste time trying to work it out.

And incredibly patronising.

If he co owns the house with you (as you've said in other threads) then if he was to divorce his wife surely it would count as a marital asset of his? In which case she could have a claim to some of it?

How did you lose it?

He doesn’t co-own it, he dropped out last minute.

I didn't even know you could buy a house with someone who is married! Not without wife having a share at least. You own your behavior so I'm not going to give you a hard time but I would really suggest you do the freedom programme.

The mistake all these hysterical karma-mongers are making is that OP didn’t “tear his first wife’s life apart” at all. He did. OP didn’t steal the wife’s cake. The OP was content with crumbs from the table. The man called the tune that all the women danced to. The important lesson to learn here is not (simply) not to be the OW but to learn to avoid con men/narcissists/sociopaths. And that is very hard to do because they are very clever and very plausible. And they change up their story to seduce each target. So if one victim is too moral to start with a married man they will say they are separated, or on the verge of divorce, or need hope to leave an abusive wife. They tailor their bait to the kind of fish they want to catch.

You’ve lost the plot. You can’t keep up with your own non-sensical posts 🤣

Some people are so black and white in their thinking that it's almost childlike. What you are experiencing is not karma and you don't deserve it. You haven't "helped him abuse his wife" or any of the other nonsense that a few PPs have spewed.

I'm not going to say that you've done nothing wrong and have no responsibility to bear, because you know that's not true. You know right from wrong and you know how harmful affairs are. But this isn't a bog standard affair situation. This man is a conman and you have been specifically targeted by him because you are a victim of lifelong abuse from men which made you easy to manipulate. When your reality was so warped already, it sadly gives men like this an "in". He's created multiple different lives with different women and has made himself a puppet master, controlling the narrative in all of them. Nothing that he told you or promised you was real. He wasn't real. He was playing a character. And he will have played multiple different characters depending on what each of his victims needed to hear in order to win their trust and compliance.

My strong advice would be to focus on yourself, not him. You have made some decisions that are not grounded in common sense. That's not a criticism, but an observation. Because you don't have a grasp on what is normal and healthy, you've gone along with things that were very obviously not good for you and not sensible. This has put you and your children at risk. The two most obvious examples are: 1. Continuing a relationship for 12 years (!!) without any fulfilment of promises or any tangible sign that things were progressing in a positive way and 2. Buying a house with somebody who was still married to their wife and not even separated. That's absolutely crazy decision making and proof really of how vulnerable you are.

I know you say you can't afford therapy, but you can almost certainly afford to seek quality sources online and buy or borrow books that might be able to help you. Your life is not over and you can find happiness but that needs to come from within, not from a man. And importantly you need to heal enough so that you aren't falling straight into another abusive situation.

Some of this sounds like bullshit its gone from ow to ow to buying a home to SM.
Gone on for 12 years looking at messages to find the truth out.

Fact is you messed with a married man got treated the same has his wife now your the other woman.
You both have caused enough damage just block and walk away this time.
But i think deep down you would have him back anyway.

If you have a lump sum you can, but you wouldn't get a mortgage with a non spouse if you are married.
But the celeb was just full of BS anyway and never intended to buy it. Just created a fantasy to meet a need he knew the OP had. Which is what he has done all along.
But we can all be blinded by people who say they will meet our needs but never deliver. If you are vulnerable it's more likely to happen.
It's not surprising we can all end up cynical and self preservation with people like this around.

Op said the below on another thread (I remember her as I was very much trying to support her under a previous name of mine because she sounded desperately unwell) so it sounds like it definitely would be considered a marital asset.

He owns half the house I live in, he wanted me to be somewhere near enough that he could see me when it suited him. Only problem is I can’t afford the bills now I’ve lost my job (thanks Covid).

She said in the same thread he bought half the house in cash. She confirmed the house was exchanged and went through and that she was then stuck living in it.

She needs to speak to a solicitor as well as seeking some support mental health wise to ensure she doesn't get tangled up in his web again.

The big road bump for me here was when he pulled out of the house purchase at the last minute leaving you in financial trouble. It speaks volumes that you didn't entirely ditch him after this and you still believed he was your friend. Why do you think its ok for a friend to treat you like this op. Sadly men like this are not uncommon. The issue is your vulnerability to them. They are careful to select their victims. Women that have really low standards that they can treat like crap and keep stringing them along. He just needed to throw you a few crumbs of nonsense about how you were the only one and you remained under the thumb. Chalk it up, make life changes learn from it op and move on and get better.

Dear OP,

I very rarely comment but I just feel you need to understand that you are a victim here. Yes you made some unwise decisions but it's clear from your posts that due to your history you are a vulnerable woman.

This man is a PREDATOR, there is a reason you were fed these lies as he felt you were vulnerable enough to believe them amd fulfil whatever sociopathic dreams he was concocting.

You have continued to be abused emotionally for the past 12years and you need to accept this, forgive yourself and seek therapy. I actually think this is coercive/financial abuse and you can contact womens aid for further information and I'd also strongly advise you access the freedom programme so you can identify these patterns

He is at fault, you are a victim of manipulation. Please be kind to yourself.

That was a few years ago too so I'm assuming the house is sold if she has another and the financial stuff sorted by now? She also said she was going NC years ago which would be impossible if the financial aspect hadn't been sorted.

If this story is at all true (the house, being well known etc, I'm not dobting the affair) it's a very tangled web filled with inaccuracies.

I recommend this book

If this story is at all true

unlikely

wow. I’m sorry OP. Glad your well shot of him now, run and never ever look back x

what utter drivel.

So out of interest, if you discovered your partner had been cheating on you…. you’d only say “nice” things?

Sorry @fruity81 but you seem to be missing the point.

Maybe try reading again?