Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

Except OP don’t you have dcs? You’ve been very quiet about them on this thread but that’s where your overpowering “ mummy” instinct ought rightly to find its outlet.

I totally agree.
@honeyandbutterontoast 's children need the love and support and nurture, not this ''fantasy man'' which is just built on lies.

You've made mistakes, but you're also a victim here.
The shock will pass eventually.

I'd recommend writing down the lies, keep a list and keep it close to you. If he tries to worm his way back in you can refer to it to remind yourself.

I've been one of the unsuspecting girlfriends in this scenario. He wasn't married, but in a long term relationship and living with someone. Luckily it had been under a year when she called me. But even then it felt like my world fell apart, I just couldn't understand what had happened. I'd been to their house and somehow still not realised!!

He then convinced me they'd broken up. I contacted the girlfriend but got no response so assumed it was true. He made me feel like I was the centre of his world. I wanted to believe him.
Turns out she just missed the message. I walked away, in shock but relatively unharmed. There were others, and kids. I never found out the full story.
Occasionally I google him - slightly ashamed to say it's because I still hope one day I search and find an obituary. He paints himself as some sort of love guru.

You'll get some abuse on here for being the other woman. And it's easy to beat yourself up about that. But he's a skilled manipulator and you were his target. You can be free of him now.

I really feel for you OP.
This man is clearly a terrible human and while we can't diagnose him here he seems to have clear narcissist traits.
I don't like the narrative that pits you versus his wife and so forth. He has consistently treated women terribly. His wife. You. His current gf. You are all on one side of the same fence here, women he has manipulated and abused.
I have experienced something oddly similar myself, on lots of levels.
He is the kind of person who has a black hole at his centre and will just keep chucking people, especially women, into it to try to fill it, but it will never be filled.

You can live a happy and fulfilling life again, in a happy relationship, but only if you do the work to understand why you have been drawn to a man like this, and why you were so willing to live off scraps, and downplay and ignore your own needs while elevating his.

The reason this work is so powerful is that it helps protect you against this sort of thing happening again. Once you have that understanding and the confidence it brings, you will be less fearful of meeting another terrible man like this. Not because you won't meet them - you may! - but because you will spot them, and avoid them, instead of being drawn to them. It's a form of emotional self defense.

Unfortunately therapy is the best way to do this and I know you've said that is in unaffordable. Have you explored discounted options - many therapists offer this, you may find somebody willing to charge eg £40/session. If that is still out of reach, perhaps others can suggest good reading material etc that could help you make a start alone.

Nah, she’d have to have known his philandering past.

OP has 2 DC according to another thread

one of whom has very serious mental health issues

Was only joking when I said Boris…

Nice.

Let's hope that if you ever slip up in life or make a mistake you get the same sympathy and support you dish out here.

Karma.

You don't seem concerned about karma for the guy. No mention of him damaging lives. Just the woman?
Funny how women are accused of being home wreckers. You don't think the man had a hand in wrecking his home?

It's clear there is no way back from this for you, so now you need to start thinking about the bigger picture. At some point in the near future you need to sit down and work out how much money he owes you. You were going to buy a house together and he pulled out on completion day. Does that mean you had to take the financial hit on losing your deposit to the sellers? Or did you proceed but now you're covering the full mortgage? Either way, you have legal recourse against this man to recover what he owes. Presumably you have the docs to back it all up too. If he is someone of public standing, going after him legally means he's more likely to pay up to make you go away. Why should he prosper with his new girlfriend and leave you financially destitute?

That’s what I read. So why (WHY ???!!) does she have energy to waste on handwringing over “are his kids ok”???

I wouldn`t mess about with a married man.

Suddenly he's famous enough that there would be a media frenzy, which in that case, a lot about his life would be already known so how has he got away with so many women thinking he's single if he's not?
Also we're you not concerned about the media frenzy and his career, about you owning a home with him before he even left his wife (which is what you wanted)

This isn't adding up sorry.

He's obviously extremely good at reading women and giving them the story they want to hear. Take comfort in the fact you aren't alone, many women fell for his charm.

Man that cheats for years is also lying to person he cheats with and cheating with loads of others. I don't know how this can be a huge shock to you OP, he was cheating on his wife with you for years, he obviously has no morals. I bet any money he never left her either - he would never have left her - she's finally found out and kicked him to the kerb, that's why he's so depressed. What a complete asshole.

I'd suspect he's a narcissist OP. He will be whatever someone wants, he will tell you everything you want to hear. He will lie and gas light you as easy as he breathes. He needs the 'supply' from all the women he has on the go. He won't think he's doing anything wrong and probably can't believe his wife would have the audacity to dump him. He will see himself as the victim.

You only have yourself to blame OP, you chose to have an affair with a married man. If you don't see that then you're as big a narcissist as he is. I just feel sorry for his poor wife and kids.

@PinkCandles you have just proven my point entirely ofcourse the man is at fault he is the homewrecker but the OP acting like a poor victim tbh is just a slap in the face to all loyal women who are cheated on. I mean how bad did she feel when some other woman had to put her children to bed without daddy who was in no doubt sat up all night worrying sick over were her husband was. Did it bother her then or only now she is on a different side of the game. I find it hard to have any sympathy apart from to his original wife and kids. Unfortunately I'm too cynical of men now it doesn't shock me but I am always surprised by women who knowingly seek out and destroy lives because as someone who has been cheated on or who grew up with this type of man as a father i would never hurt another woman this way. If we all said no to these animal men atleast we wouldn't be knowingly complicit in their damage.

Is a 12 year relationship 'messing about'?

It's very easy to say what you have.

When a man says he's in an abusive relationship (with his wife) and is intent on leaving, it's easy to get sucked in .

However 'ideal' it is to leave a marriage first then look around, it doesn't always work that way.

I'm old enough to know many couples who have split up only when one of them meets someone else. So in all those cases, someone was the OW or OM.

There is this idea that you can 'steal' a husband or wife. You can't. If a marriage is working they won't look for anyone else.

This man is not the usual 'Has an affair and leaves for someone else'. He's a serial adulterer.

Your new Life starts now ... Clean start , no lies or deceit .Enjoy your freedom .
Be greatfull this young woman was so honest with you

Is he a comedian? There's one I know that had many overlapping relationships, but he managed to keep it quiet from everyone. Admitted to one though.

Grief can take a long time to work through, give yourself that time.

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

For the record, OP, I DO have sympathy for you. You’ve met an absolute sociopath of the highest order. This is con man levels of fucked up, not just your run of the mill philanderer.

You’ve wasted a lot of years on this waste of air. Accept that that was your punishment, but you do not deserve to live the rest of your life with a Scarlet A emblazoned on your chest.

Mumsnet was probably not the best place to post this, with all the self righteousness that comes with it when you are already punishing yourself more than anyone else can, and coming to terms with 12 years of your life being gone.

It’s time to take a step away now and focus on yourself. You’ve held yourself back from happiness for long enough. It’s time to cut all of this craziness with him out of your life, chalk it up to life experience and find a way to be happy. Focussing on your family and friends and taking up new hobbies is a good way to start.

They think he's separated (or previously, unhappily married).

Most well-known people's personal lives are not transparent or high-profile. (Note, well-known in his field, not megawatt A-list star). "Vaguely successful man separates from wife, is now moving in with new partner" is not hot news in itself. Only if "new partner" or indeed "ex affair partner" wanted to go to the press with the dramatic inside scoop might there be any interest, more from a human interest angle than anything unless they are truly mega famous. I know of famous-ish couples who are separated despite what their Wikipedia pages say - because nobody involved has been interested in turning it into a news story.

She knew he was married.
No one knows what it feels like to have their world torn apart in that way unless they have been through it.

i'm sorry OP that you are going through this. I've posted many times on this subject, and although I wasn't an OW, I had very similar happen to me.

My ex-H had a completely double life. We'd been together 15 years at the end, and pretty much that whole time he'd engineered his entire existence to cater for a vast web of lies, including like you, blaming exhaustion and depression, but also horrendous gaslighting which ground me down so much, I'm amazed I eventually had the strength to leave. When I did, I unravelled lots; which I needed to do. The extent was shocking. And before any judgement, from anyone, I am reasonably intelligent, savvy person, and he STILL got away with SO much, such as....
Having multiple secret phones, secret sim cards, profiles on dating sites where he said he was single/widowed/divorced, a job away from home which enabled him to be unavailable at times, or abroad (the reality is he was at various OWs houses, or on holidays with them), had an entire other family; an OW which he had been seeing for 18 months, she believed they were going to get married and that he was widowed, he 'lived' with her but worked away a lot, her DC looked on him as their step-father. She thought I was dead!!!! He had multiple ONS off some very seedy hook-up sites, he had another OW who was a policewoman, that also had gone on for months. He told several of these women I was dead, he had them in our house while I was away with work myself, and handily didn't even need to clear my things away as he said he 'couldn't bare to'. Didn't stop him having sex in my own bed with them either! I could go on and on and on.... this is just the tip of the iceberg. The point being I DID cut ties - I had a lot of help from the wonderful Mary Turner Thompson (her book, and I think she also has a documentary out at the moment are worth a view). In the end ex-H was diagnosed with NPD/sociopath, which ironically he then used as an excuse to try and get me back - he couldn't help it, apparently!

2 years later, finally back on my feet, at work, and I get a call that there was someone in reception asking for me by my married name - it was his new GF, who had found me via Linkedin. He'd told her a pack of lies about being how we divorced, but she smelt a rat and came to find me. Turns out he'd been cheating on her, had a secret phone, was living a double life......round it went again.

Anyway, I could write a book on it (I probably should!) but you WILL move on and you WILL trust again. That much I can promise.
Happy for you to message me if you want to.

I think a lot on here needs to take the rose tint glasses off.
She is as much to blame as him.

Media "frenzy" suggests otherwise. There's no "frenzy" over minor famous people, might be an article or two on Social media but "frenzy" that would destroy a career?