Am in utter shock

[honeyandbutterontoast]

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

Omg what am I reading. He sounds like a total psychopath. I don’t get how someone has the time to juggle that level of lies? He sounds like he was lying to loads of women at the same time . Boggles the mind.
sorry for how you are feeling OP, but consider it an escape!!!!!

Yes, still giving it too much head space. Professionals spend their careers analysing these type of personality traits and don't understand clearly why they do what they do. No chance you ever will truly understand. Don't let him have anymore power over you.

i don’t know how to look after me. I have literally spent 12 years worrying over him. Is he depressed? Did his plane land safely? Has his wife done something else to upset him? Are his kids okay? Every ache and pain and cold he has told me about. He loved me worrying over him. Said that’s why he needed me in his life because I cared and nobody else did.

All lies. And now I have to turn that off. It was such a fucked up relationship.
not even a relationship. Just a nothing.

High maintenance men attract women who put their own needs aside.

You control your own sense of self esteem and worth by being a Rescuer and a soother of feelings. Every time he went Boo Hoo Waa Waa I'm so upset, you went there, there, luvie, Mummy's here.
Result = He feels good, loved, listened to, understood and attended to, you feel 'worthwhile'. You both got what you needed, but do you see the difference in what he gets from what you get?
If a person doesn't feel 'worthwhile' they'll chase the thing that makes them feel 'worthwhile'. Even if that's wrong or has a bad influence on their lives.

Self worth is NOT based on fixing a man's feelings. That's called co-dependence.
It's likely you have a learned response of seeking approval from men in order to feel worthwhile, probably handed down to you from your mother.

How could he have legally gotten a mortgage for another house with another woman, if the family home still has his name on it?
Did you not have to have a meeting with a solicitor about signing the mortgage on the shared house?

Actually hate to be harsh but yes!

I was best friends with a male platonic best friend for 7 years, from when I was 26/27 or so onwards. He had a clique of other close female friends who all vied for his attention and various girlfriends on and off. I dated men and lived with someone during this time too. When I went out to bars etc with this man and another male platonic best friend, naturally most people assumed I was dating one or the other of them (not true!) so I lost out on ops then. Turned out the 7 year platonic male best friend had got me confused in his mind with his girlfriends, from stuff he said to me whilst we dated (we dated for the last 3 months of our friendship).

I really really wish now, that I'd seen him for what he was, which was a narcissist and control freak and had ended this friendship long before the time was up but I had a lot of personal grief (bereavements) and my confidence wasn't what it was now and I was fooled by a lot of what he said.

Or was he going to pay cash and then bailed out? Are you selling your house OP?

Some men and women do this though, hook the person into something which it isn't. I was, to a degree too. I do think as a PP said therapy would be an idea to work out why/how you did this.

I had therapy years later for bullying at work and realised I probably had/have daddy issues, it helped me talking through them though.

@honeyandbutterontoast

1. book appointment to see GP
2. log evidence of all interactions and put in a folder out of the way of your desktop on computer/phone so you aren’t mulling
3. change your phone number
4. focus on a project for you - throw yourself into work, clear out the house, begin a new hobby, anything
5. start therapy and begin evaluating what has happened and how to prevent problems in future; you need to develop a new way of thinking.

Along the way, cook yourself decent food, sleep well (clean room, new bed, bath before, pills if necessary), daily exercise etc. and do things you enjoy - spa, sport, reading, music, whatever….

That is how you look after you.

It is all very practical and you are going to have to fake it until you make it.

To spend time ruminating over him is a form of self harm.

He is a dickhead. Nothing you could have done could have changed this or foreseen the extent of his behaviour. He is responsible for it, you were a vulnerable adult and he picked up on this.

Your job now is to protect yourself and to recover from this ordeal.

I don't want to sound harsh OP but this is a case of lie with dogs, get fleas.

You put up with shit from that man for so long that he knew he could take the piss. You're only smarting now because when you did finally give him an ultimatum he went straight to someone else. I'm amazed you're shocked, frankly. He was ALWAYS a cheat, OP, it's just that now you're the one who feels cheated on.

All that energy can go into you now. You'll be flying it this time next year. You can't change what you did and whatever people say about you enabling, ultimately he was and is the cheat, not you. In the history of the last 12 years of mistakes made by humans yours doesn't register on the register, so time to move on.
You have a secure house, friends you can rely on for support, children that you can immerse yourself with, you come across as articulate and aware that your abusive past is effecting your decision making. This is a good base to start your new life.
Good Luck.

It’s Boris!😂No seriously OP we’re not even going to prod for hints because what you see as his “status” is fuelling your investment in this saga, and you are trying to feed your identity through him. You have to cut and move on.

Well if this isn't the consequences of your own immoral actions I don't know what is. This is karma don't shit on other peoples homes if you don't want to end up in the same boat. He showed you who he was the second you got together and you also showed him. Don't try and pretend you have the higher ground. Honestly I'm so sick of home wrecking women now almost getting a free pass because the guy is married. You need to massively work on your own self esteem because you are damaging lives in the pursuit of your own selfish gains.

When I told my mum about my Bad lLot, she said ''Some women carry on with a Bad Lot for decades''.

You have at least had a wake up call that he is utter bad news that was using you as a prop to his shitty ego.

A 'Mummy' to look after him while he was/is shagging younger women.

He may even have other ''Mummies'' to worry about his plane landing safely - he clearly loves the attention.

I bet all the women he targets {or who fall for his utter bullshit} are vulnerable in some way.

Focus on your children and your own life.

This man is just a sham.

He's not special, he's just a sad little liar stringing women along.

When you see him for what he really is, you will feel your righteous anger.

Do read that book. {Women who love too much} - it will help you understand why you are drawn to such poor quality men...and to AVOID them in future.

Surely there wouldn't be that many women with such poor taste they were entangled with someone like Nigel Farage or Michael Gove 😱

What a shit. Hopeful he's current gf will name and shame to put a stop to his behaviour.

I have to say I somewhat agree with this. This isn't a popular opinion on this site, however. On Mumsnet, every man is an evil user and every woman is a misunderstood saint.

What's that got to do with your lie claiming I said OP's abusive ex deserves sympathy?

'And an utter psychopath.'

He may or may not be but you are turning this all on him so that you don't have to examine your own behaviour in this.

If you believe he was married and with her the whole time whilst he cheated with you then no you were not a nice person and no you didn't give a shit about his children.

Yes he was horrible and a liar but you were a willing partner and what it boils down to is that you were happy enough to be the other woman whilst he had one wife but now it transpires there were others you are extremely miffed that instead of being number two you were most likely way down the list.

You're embarrassed and humiliated but trying to put it all on him doesn't lessen the fact that your behaviour was immoral and heartless.

Move on from this and get therapy/counselling as to why you got caught up in this folly so that you can leave the past behind and build a better future for yourself that ensures you are only involved with someone who is free to be involved with.

I know who possibly is now...
**
Boris Johnson. 😝

You can get therapy on the NHS. Please get therapy. None of this is ok 😭

I don’t know how to look after me.

Its really not that difficult. And you've had lots of good advice on this thread.
Give yourself a couple of days (but only that) to process the initial shock, and then have a read back through the thread, with closure as your mindset, and take the advice (and commit to putting it into practice) offered on how you start building a life for you and your children. I'd also avoid getting into any other romantic relationships for a period of time.

I think the message about reaping what you sow has been made at this stage.
It has to be about moving on now.
I haven't been in this situation but practical advise from anyone who has could be beneficial.

No not karma. Not you deserving it. Just that it’s a MASSIVE red flag.

You get back what you dished out.
You knew he was married from the start you should have walked away but you didnt.
Many women have had their lives torn apart and tipped upside down because of women like you but when tables turn you play victim.
When the OW becomes the OW why would it hurt you to feel what the first woman had to go through with you.
I dont blame one i blame the BOTH OF YOU.
You both knew what you were doing and knew it was wrong but still carried on.
No sympathy here.
You deserve each other neither one of you have any respect for anyones feelings when you were hurting them so why would i or any other have sympathy for you now.

How should I know, you’re the one who brought it up

But yes, your implication that OP wasn’t loyal to an abusive man was pretty crass.