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Original poster

Am in utter shock

756 replies

honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 02:09

Will start by saying this is an OW thread. So I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just in utter utter shock.

Twelve years ago I met someone. We were both married. We fell in love (I thought). My DH was a bad man, I’m not excusing myself but he was. I divorced him, took the bare minimum and waited for OM to do the same.

He didn’t. For years it went on, his excuses, so I wouldn’t see him, he begged me to be patient. I was his soulmate, his best friend, etc etc etc. And I loved him so much.

We bought a house together, he decided on completion day that he couldn’t leave her. I was in a financial mess for years over that.

In Oct 22 I gave him an ultimatum (this date is important), he had to leave her or we couldn’t speak anymore (up till this point we emailed and texted multiple times a day). He said he couldn’t leave her, couldn’t be without his kids. He went away on holiday with them.

Stupidly we stayed in touch “as friends”. Daily he would ask to see me. He would tell me he wanted to be with me, no matter what would make it happen.

(Sorry this is an essay)

Last spring we saw each other for lunch a couple of times. Something was off but I couldn’t work out what, he seemed depressed. I started dating again and told him we could only be friends.

In the summer he sent me a photo and I noticed he didn’t have a wedding ring on! He told me he had “recently” left his wife but didn’t know how to tell me. That he wasn’t sure if we should move in together straight away (!!) or just get to know each other as single people.

We met for lunch a couple of times, he had endless excuses why I couldn’t see his new flat. It all seemed odd but somehow plausible. We last saw each other in October but carried on messaging multiple times a day, chatting about everything. Or so I thought.

He told me he was very depressed and unhappy. Needed time to get used to life alone. I truly believed he was unhappy, possibly even suicidal at times.

This evening I received a message. From his girlfriend. Who he lives with. Who he had told he was separated when he met her 18 months ago. Yep when I gave him the ultimatum, he was with her. They have a whole life together.

She is 20 years younger than he is.

We spoke on the phone and while speaking she was looking through his phone. There are multiple women. All that age. It’s been going on for years with them.

How he has time to run a company I do not know.

So here I am, 12 years on. In utter shock. And that poor girl. I didn’t know what to say to her, I could only assure her there has been nothing intimate between us since before she met him. Unfortunately he has been with others.

i honestly would have told you he was my best friend. His behaviour had been odd yes, but I never thought for a moment it was like this.

His last messages to me were how he had an okay day today, hadn’t done much. They are on holiday!!!

I get that in some ways I deserve this. But she doesn’t. He obviously was putting his wedding ring on to meet me! How messed up is that. Or maybe he wasn’t married then anymore?!

And I’m guessing when we were actually in an intimate relationship he was shagging these other women. I really had no idea. He would beg me not to leave him as he was so unhappy but had no idea how to leave without losing his children/business.

Desperately need to sleep but had to get all that out. It’s like an episode of eastenders.

OP posts:
TerrysCIockworkOrange · 04/03/2024 10:29

Beefcurtains79 · 04/03/2024 10:21

His wife didn’t deserve this! The OP played with fire and got burned. Now she’s repositioning herself as the victim.

ALL the women tangled up with this absolute psychos are victims, but in differing ways. I do love how women on this board in particular relish in trying to destroy other women for failing their moral superiority tests (and before you accuse me, I am not an OW and in fact lost my ex to an OW) 🙄

Fine, you disapprove of women who knowingly conduct affairs with married men. If that precludes you from offering support, fine, but there is no need to engage in actively tearing someone down who is clearly distraught and struggling. Just close the thread and move on.

Untethered · 04/03/2024 10:32

mrsdineen2 · 04/03/2024 09:55

  1. affair partner's ex wife.
  2. affair partner's girlfriend who believed she was dating a single man.

You "crack on" with reading properly.

Show quote history

This is hilarious as you clearly haven’t read MY post properly.

Other Man means the same as affair partner.

Yeahno · 04/03/2024 10:32

Unless you have been taken in by someone like this, its hard to understand. I knew someone like this, i cut and ran after 2 years. Completely no contact, i thought 2 years was long enough. Why did you let this go on for so long OP?
Please don't let him get away with this if you can. You say he is known in his community, use that. These men thrive on secrecy. Use that anger of all the men that have screw you over on this one. He knew of your vulnerable state and he used it to his advantage for 12 years. Fucked you over financially as well. Why should he get away with this. Let him burn. Why should he carry on as normal. Just when he thinks that things are starting to go back to normal and he can get on with his life, come out again and shout about what he did. Make him think twice about doing this kind of thing again. Why should he get away with it.

britneyisfree · 04/03/2024 10:34

You need to just let it go and move on. You've wasted enough of your life with this man. Don't waste a day more. He is who he is.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 04/03/2024 10:34

I mean, 12 years? I get holding out for a year or so...but 12?!

Honestly, OP you kind of got what you deserved. And I don't mean as an OW but just as someone prepared to believe it all, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I hope you are able to make your peace with this and move on. Get counselling to look at exactly why you let this go on for so long.

PinkCandles · 04/03/2024 10:34

It sounds like you did the right thing anyway splitting from your dh. The wife is also well rid of this pathological liar and cheat. Hopefully the girlfriend can leave him too and you can all three find someone better or be happily single.

LittleGlowingOblong · 04/03/2024 10:35

Did you give him any money, OP?

Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:37

I can’t go public on this.
and he knows this. He’s always known this.
I cannot subject my life and my DC to a media frenzy.
I also wouldn’t do that to his wife, who would presumably want to protect their DC in the same way.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 04/03/2024 10:38

honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:37

I can’t go public on this.
and he knows this. He’s always known this.
I cannot subject my life and my DC to a media frenzy.
I also wouldn’t do that to his wife, who would presumably want to protect their DC in the same way.

Now of course we’re all wanting three guesses with hints …

BlueGrey1 · 04/03/2024 10:39

Go on holidays, (preferably with someone else) get out of the environment you are in, being away will help get the constant thoughts of him out of your head,
I would also suggest therapy, he is an unbelievably conniving man, it is very unfortunate that you got involved with him but you need to try and get him out of your head before he destroys you.
A therapist could probably give a name for him but at the moment I cant, his behaviour is/ was so duplicitous it almost sounds unbelievable, how do these men have the time / energy to carry on these multiple affairs, one relationship makes me tired

YeahIsaidit · 04/03/2024 10:39

honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:37

I can’t go public on this.
and he knows this. He’s always known this.
I cannot subject my life and my DC to a media frenzy.
I also wouldn’t do that to his wife, who would presumably want to protect their DC in the same way.

You didn't give a shit about his wife when you were begging him to leave her and trying to buy a house with him!

Moonwatcher1234 · 04/03/2024 10:40

Don’t know why anybody would have sympathy for OP - she clearly didn’t care when doing the dirty with somebody else’s husband. Reap what you sow and all that.

Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:41

It’s a particular form of narcissist. A friend told me this morning the type but I can’t remember what she said. She also said he wouldn’t have been so bad at the beginning but as he got older he would need to get more “fuel” and would start collecting more women.

So a bit like the boiled frog thing.

OP posts:
Poettree · 04/03/2024 10:41

I actually think I know someone like this - has left his wife but still calls her, has a new younger partner but is probably still shagging others. Some people are greedy, and also incredibly good salespeople. Charming psychopaths with absolutely no shame. And often also incredibly funny and endearing. It's quite a powerful combination.

LovelyTheresa · 04/03/2024 10:43

honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:37

I can’t go public on this.
and he knows this. He’s always known this.
I cannot subject my life and my DC to a media frenzy.
I also wouldn’t do that to his wife, who would presumably want to protect their DC in the same way.

What do you mean 'media frenzy?' Is he a celebrity of some sort?

Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:44

YeahIsaidit · 04/03/2024 10:39

You didn't give a shit about his wife when you were begging him to leave her and trying to buy a house with him!

Show quote history

I never begged actually.
and he offered to buy the house at the time.

and I did give a shit. I tried many many times to walk away but his particular brand of “I’m so unhappy, you’re the only person who has ever made me happy” worked on me. I’d never been told i made anyone happy before. (It’s a great line, he used it on his current girlfriend as well).

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 04/03/2024 10:45

Beefcurtains79 · 04/03/2024 10:21

His wife didn’t deserve this! The OP played with fire and got burned. Now she’s repositioning herself as the victim.

He gravitated towards the op because he saw she didn't have any scruples or morals just like him.

She was happy enough to buy a house with him whilst he was still living with his wife and stringing her along. Even if he fabricated that, it was the circumstance that she chose to believe.

She's no victim unless it's a victim of her own stupidity.

girlswillbegirls · 04/03/2024 10:45

OP I'm very very sorry about this. For you and every single women he lied to.
He is a psychopath.

This is what I think you should do:

  1. Understand you are morning the loss of someone who doesn't exist. It's very very hard to go though somethering like that.
  1. Think about what's important to you. Your DC. Your life ahead. Yourself. You need to start rebuilding your self steam this fucker took away from you.
  1. You need friends. There is a huge sense of loneliness in your post. That's what you need. Good people around you. Write in a journal small little things you are grateful for every day. It really works.
  1. Go to Netflix. Seriously. This man deserves to make this story public. For you and the other women. Please consider this seriously. And as a pp said you will benefit financially which is a something you need after what he did it the purchase of that house pulling away after completion.

Please please do NOT feel ashamed yourself. He should. And that's why you need to bring this to the media. If I see this in the papers/ netflix would only think good things about whoever uncovered this. Please do not let him get away from this.

Sending you a big hug x

beatrix1234 · 04/03/2024 10:45

He was never your "best friend", if by "best friend" you mean someone who gaslights, lies to you and misleads you. This was anything BUT a best friend. You need to raise that "friend bar" way way higher. I'm glad you left your "bad spouse" but you should have given this man a "divorce deadline" of two months and dumped his sorry ass back into the river and moved on with your life.

He sounds like a narcissist.

Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:45

Poettree · 04/03/2024 10:41

I actually think I know someone like this - has left his wife but still calls her, has a new younger partner but is probably still shagging others. Some people are greedy, and also incredibly good salespeople. Charming psychopaths with absolutely no shame. And often also incredibly funny and endearing. It's quite a powerful combination.

Yes. He was funny and endearing. A little boy lost kind of thing, very intelligent, a bit geeky, offbeat sense of humour.
And an utter psychopath.

OP posts:
Original poster
honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:46

LovelyTheresa · 04/03/2024 10:43

What do you mean 'media frenzy?' Is he a celebrity of some sort?

Show quote history

Of some sort yes

OP posts:
LovelyTheresa · 04/03/2024 10:47

honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:46

Of some sort yes

Show quote history

Probably a politician. Never ever trust them!

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 04/03/2024 10:47

Moonwatcher1234 · 04/03/2024 10:40

Don’t know why anybody would have sympathy for OP - she clearly didn’t care when doing the dirty with somebody else’s husband. Reap what you sow and all that.

Edited

Then why don’t you just leave this thread instead of adding to a pile on? What are you trying to achieve?

ClareBlue · 04/03/2024 10:48

honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:37

I can’t go public on this.
and he knows this. He’s always known this.
I cannot subject my life and my DC to a media frenzy.
I also wouldn’t do that to his wife, who would presumably want to protect their DC in the same way.

Are you sure there would actually be a media frenzy or is it another idea he has put in your head. There are very few media frenzies about affairs nowadays unless it involves very high profile people who have public opinions, like for example, Nigel Farage.
Please don't tell us it's him😱
Anyway, wouldn't it all be about the young women he is pursuing. You have just been his best friend for the last years and not even seen him for two years.

Justkeeepswimming · 04/03/2024 10:52

honeyandbutterontoast · 04/03/2024 10:41

It’s a particular form of narcissist. A friend told me this morning the type but I can’t remember what she said. She also said he wouldn’t have been so bad at the beginning but as he got older he would need to get more “fuel” and would start collecting more women.

So a bit like the boiled frog thing.

@honeyandbutterontoast

Stop analysing it. Start looking after you.