Threw my engagement ring at my partner in anger

[Louise0923]

I’ve traveled all over the country on very little sleep this week for work. My fiancé has also had a hard week. I finally came back today after another long drive and we ended up having a huge argument over the cleaning (an argument we do tend to repeat). I flipped over a statement he knows I find quite triggering which is ‘well I won’t bother cleaning at all in the future’ to me getting annoyed over his half attempt at cleaning.

I find that kind of statement originates from his mindset of ‘I’m doing you a favour’. We are working through our cleaning argument repetitive cycle, and it absolutely isn’t a make or break.

However, me with little sleep is a very anxious person and my brain went into fight or flight mode much easier than usual. I tried some techniques I have and to diffuse our argument but because he was also tired he was fueling the argument.

It ended with me taking off my engagement ring and saying I couldn’t do this argument anymore and giving it back to him.

Although in that moment I felt like that, I really meant ‘I can’t do any of the stressful stuff in my life’ and he just got the brunt of it.

He’s extremely hurt and I’m not sure how we can get past this. I apologised within about 20 minutes of calming down but I know the magnitude and immaturity of the action has caused him a lot of pain.

Is it over? Do people get past this type of thing? Can I make it up to him?

You gave it back to him or you threw it at him sorry?

I thought you were going to say you threw it and couldn't find it again?

I don't know the answer to your question OP but if his attitude is that ingrained regarding housework, I don't imagine it will ever improve.

And possibly less so if you two start a family.

So you've both had a hard week, why wouldn't you leave a discussion about the housework until a better time?

What sort of attempt at cleaning got you annoyed? Is it a case of he genuinely left something disgusting, or you just didn't like his laundry method?

Coming home after a week away and picking on your partners cleaning of the house would start an argument in most houses I'd imagine - if my DH came home from a week away with work (he travels frequently) and picked holes in my housekeeping I'd tell him where to stick the hoover.

Throwing (or giving) back an engagement ring is a huge step - it's like rejecting the proposal / your future together. Especially with the drama of saying "I can't do this anymore". I'd assume it was a breakup tbh!

well I won’t bother cleaning at all in the future’
That attitude will never change. It hasn't so far despite multiple arguments. And him doing you "favours" will get a lot worse once you have a baby as it will be entirely your responsibility.

Knowing that he will get lazier and more selfish over time, what do you want to do? Continue doing all the work whilst not saying a thing and getting angrier and more resentful, or leave and find someone who is an equal and supportive partner?

No sorry, my fault for the way I worded the title. I felt like I threw it back in his face but I didn’t physically throw it at him.

It has improved over time. When we first got together he wouldn’t do anything and now he does, which is why my battle isn’t with the housework, it was more for context!

Sometimes when you are tired you don’t think rationally about when is the best time to have a conversation, or arguments wouldn’t happen! Of course I shouldn’t have picked holes but I tend to do the vast share of the housework and I needed him to pick up the slack this week, which he attempted (hoovering and cleaning the bathroom) but it wasn’t very clean, superficial cleaning still with hairs around the sink where he’d shaved, no laundry done and the kitchen a mess. I didn’t expect everything (but I usually do most of it) and I was just hoping for a little more-rather than me getting in on a Saturday after traveling and having to start it all.

it was a breakup! I felt in my core I wasn’t being supported by my partner, however, if I was really breaking up with him I would not do it in anger- therefore it was a very immature/angry moment.

I have considered leaving before but he has made attempts to improve (and has done), which is why I’m annoyed I got so angry. I don’t know if there are truly ‘equal partners’ out there, all my female straight friends says their husbands are similar.

Sorry, I gave it back to him. The title was a little misleading but I felt like I threw it back in his face (but not physically).

This stage, pre-kids, early into your relationship, couples are both be at their most loved-up and best possible selves.

If his best possible self can't even clean up after himself, your future together looks pretty shit.

Are you sure this man-child is marriage material?

I know he sounds like a man child but he’s a very good man, hard worker and caring. We got together young and have been together a long time- and we are still only late twenties. He came from a home with a stay at home mum and has had to adjust his outlook and who cleans at home (which he has).

We all have flaws and yes one of his is his lack of cleaning at home. It’s not a deal breaker for me as he is getting better at it but sometimes not quick enough for me to feel supported or like my needs are met if that makes sense? And after what has probably been the busiest week most stressful week of my career- the disappointment of coming home and not having that support caught me off guard and I flipped- which I’m in the wrong for.

Don't try to 'make it up to him'. Just don't.

You say this particular issue is a repeat offence for him. How many 'Get out of Jail Free' cards are you going to give him on this? I'd say he's had his lot.

If he can't be bothered to clean to an acceptable standard (not saying it has to be Kim & Aggie levels) but somewhere on the acceptable scale would be good and to do it without looking for a pat on the back because he's doing it, then maybe, just maybe he might have earned a final chance.

I wouldn't be planning on marrying someone who has such a low level of respect for a partnership that they come out with a childish expression every time they are picked up on it.

There's an expression that when someone shows you who they are, believe that.
He has shown you what his acceptable level of hygiene is around the house - it doesn't match yours.
He didn't have to do much to keep the house tidy while you were away and he really did even less than that.

You've got no basis for knowing that his attitude will never change and, in any case, it took two to make this argument, which sounds like an entirely run-of-the-mill thing that most couples have at some point. Not pleasant but they'll either learn how to cope, or they won't.

OPs own words. If they've repeatedly had the same argument and it's not improved after all this time then there is a good basis for my post. Or just read the multiple threads in Relationships where women after women say exactly the same thing, including where it gets worse in pregnancy or maternity leave. It's a known pattern.

we ended up having a huge argument over the cleaning (an argument we do tend to repeat).

In my experience, the cleaning will improve for a wee while (to shut you up) then the standard will slip again.
You either accept his half arsed attempts at housework,
do it yourself
or understand that you'll have the same argument over and over. These choices all involve you changing though, not him.

He's gone from no cleaning at all, to doing some. To him this is probably makes him feel he deserves a massive pat on the back - after all, he's "done what you asked", hasn't he? (No)
It isn't about the cleaning and tidying, for him. It's about your perceived lack of gratitude and appreciation. Only you can assess whether he'll grow up and grow out of thinking he's a living god for even trying to clean a bathroom "for you".

He expects you to fill all the gaps, and he always will. He’ll always do the minimum. He knows you will fill in. If he gets upset when you point it out, you back down and apologise. It’s a great strategy from him.

This will only get worse. At the moment all you are doing is work. Wait until you are also raising children on top of work. You’ll do more during mat leave. He’ll slide back to doing nothing.

Honestly stop. Make him accountable. Don’t apologise for him being shit. He knows it matters. He knows him doing less means you are uncomfortable and do more. And yet it’s your fault for being upset about it.

In this situation, if the relationship is otherwise good I'd personally outsource this problem and get a weekly cleaner in.

Alot a threads lately about cleaning.

Throwing/ taking the ring off is not good.

just like when you get married no matter how angry you won’t say lightly we divorce over day to day argument (like cleaning)

when calm down yes explain yourself why you did that (like his use of words of not cleaning in the future)

but I won’t make false hope say I won’t do it again (but make promise to urself if you plan to do that)

I see it as a learning curve for both of you

have a good sex may help bond things over this too.

What worked for me was going on strike. My career had ramped up massively and it was a case of focus on that or do housework. So I stopped doing housework and cooking. Within a couple of weeks my DH, who was working fewer hours, worked out that if he didn't do it himself he would starve and run out of clean clothes.

Thank you for all the advice around the cleaning issue! I was really hoping for some ideas around the engagement ring situation? He’s very upset about it and says he’s not sure how he can get past it, its something which means a lot to him.

It sounds like it’s a case of different standards, why does it have to be done to your standards

You giving the engagement ring back was your true self realising that this is not what you want, not what you're willing to put up with. You're trying to minimise it now because obviously it's a hugely scary prospect, but you know in your heart that this is a sign that there are fundamental problems in your relationship.

explain how you feel, calmly. My husband and I used to argue over the same thing. We have now had a cleaner over 30 years. Not only did it stop the arguments but gave us more free time to do things together.