Threw my engagement ring at my partner in anger

[Louise0923]

I’ve traveled all over the country on very little sleep this week for work. My fiancé has also had a hard week. I finally came back today after another long drive and we ended up having a huge argument over the cleaning (an argument we do tend to repeat). I flipped over a statement he knows I find quite triggering which is ‘well I won’t bother cleaning at all in the future’ to me getting annoyed over his half attempt at cleaning.

I find that kind of statement originates from his mindset of ‘I’m doing you a favour’. We are working through our cleaning argument repetitive cycle, and it absolutely isn’t a make or break.

However, me with little sleep is a very anxious person and my brain went into fight or flight mode much easier than usual. I tried some techniques I have and to diffuse our argument but because he was also tired he was fueling the argument.

It ended with me taking off my engagement ring and saying I couldn’t do this argument anymore and giving it back to him.

Although in that moment I felt like that, I really meant ‘I can’t do any of the stressful stuff in my life’ and he just got the brunt of it.

He’s extremely hurt and I’m not sure how we can get past this. I apologised within about 20 minutes of calming down but I know the magnitude and immaturity of the action has caused him a lot of pain.

Is it over? Do people get past this type of thing? Can I make it up to him?

It's stalemate time isn't it. The engagement ring means a lot to him, him stepping up means a lot to you. He's been treating you and the relationship very badly despite continuous disagreements/talks so he knows what the problem is but he STILL won't step up and behave like an adult. But of course it's your fault for over reacting.

You are now facing a crossroads that will have repercussions for the rest of your life. Either get joint counselling to find a way through these arguments and reach a resolution. Or continue to be treated like crap because he thinks it's your job (and see it get worse once you are pregnant) or refuse to be treated badly and leave.

Well, you can’t just throw your wedding ring at him every time. I don’t think you should get married as nothing will change.

Reading your posts it seems you are so full of excuses for him.

Stop being so understanding about why it's hard for him because he is used to a woman doing everything.

Stay angry. It's not ok for him to do a half arsed job and act like he's doing you a favour.

He's upset about the engagement ring and now you have to creep around and make it all better but why isn't he doing that with the housework? If you're feeling unappreciated and like he's happy for you to do all the housework, then that's a perfectly valid reason to give the ring back and think about your future. Don't get drawn into the sunken costs fallacy. You don't have to stay together just because you've been together for ever.

It sounds like he’s turning this on you to make you the one at fault rather than him, to me, but perhaps I’m just an old cynic.

I’d stop with the word soup and psychoanalysis/self-reflection, and tell him he’s being a lazy messy shit and you’re not his mother, personally.

Can you get past him threatening to stop pulling his weight in the partnership and I stead expect you to skivvy after him if you dare to have an opinion he doesn't like?

Honestly I would leave him, because what frustrates you now will break you if there are children involved

Spend some time on the relationships threads reading about women whose partners just didn't quite do the cleaning right before kids, and then checked out completely after kids

When you are the one doing all the housework, all the mental load, all the parenting but aren't able to raise an issue because you have be conditioned to know that if you do he won't do even the tiny little but he does you will regret not paying attention here

I wouldn't bother to get that ring back. He is going to carry on with his stuff. You see. His half cleaning is the problem, his passive aggressive arguments are the problem. Now you lost it and suddenly it is all your fault and you have to apologise.

That is toxic, very toxic.

OP you need to let the dust settle on this argument. Sit with it. Don’t try to manically apologise and make it up to him for giving the ring back. All the issues between you need to be sorted, not just that momentary hotheadedness, so give it a bit of time before having another proper, grownup conversation.

that said, you both have to accept responsibility for your actions. It wasn’t your anxiety or your stress, it was you. And it wasn’t his upbringing, it was him. Can you each see a future with the other person as they really are?

Never marry someone lazy! You will regret it forever! If hes already doing too little now, this will only get worse. Once youre married men tend to get more lazy if they already are, he wont pick up his slack! Run while you can!

Giving a ring back is such an immature thing to do. But obviously there are deep issues in your relationship due to his behaviour. TALK to him about it. And for goodness sake, don't marry him if he doesn't change.

His yardstick was his SAHM, a system which is rare these days. Unfortunately he will use the same model if you have DC's and expect you to do all the nurturing as well as the housework and school administration regardless of any working too.
If you too plan to be a SAHM, and you love cleaning (I suspect its not your life's dream) it could work, but otherwise he's likely to leave you doing it all. This will end in resentment and misery.

You have given your ring back - he believes you have broken off the engagement ? and as a result the two of you are splitting up...

Maybe it is actually for the best.

Is this really how you want your future to be ?

The next 10 / 20 / 30 / 50 years...

and whilst you are both considering your futures, DO NOT GET PREGNANT !!!

OP anger and tiredness cause us to lose our filters and blurt out the truth. There's no getting away from it.
He is hurt, not just because of the ring, but because what you said was the TRUTH.
You continually argue over this. He 'attempts' to do stuff but it's not enough. Things like cleaning his hairs off after shaving just basic.

You're late twenties been together for a long time. Most of your adult life and a big proportion of your whole life. I can see why you are making excuses for him but really you deserve better.

You know what you have to do.

The housework thing will become a deal breaker eventually. Don't marry him until he has consistently over a long period of time taken an active role in it.

Can't believe some people genuinely propose getting a cleaner as a solution.

For starters - not everyone can afford a cleaner, and if OPs partner is a habitual slob who threatens to stop cleaning at all when called out for being a slob, then cleaner would not be able to keep up

besides, living with someone who does not mind mess is awful, and people like this are awful in more than this one way

I'd be asking any friend in this situation to think about what you're anting out of a life partnersh. I would also recommend some Feminist books, podcast and therapists to consider. I would assume this is a pattern and see my friend grovel and then continue ad nauseum with the price. I'd roll my eyes and think "another woman with low standards who will continue the stupid cycle for the next generation of girls".

If he's that upset about a potential broken engagement (i.e. you leaving him), he'd better familiarise himself with cleaning products and appliances double quick!

It was his inaction and unacceptable hygiene standard that caused this. Yes, you were tired but if he had kept the sink clean of his hair and stubble, that wouldn't have been the straw to break the camels back!

I'm guessing because the OP has a higher standard of hygiene and cleanliness to come home to, perhaps?

How about getting a cleaner once a week or once every two weeks to do the major stuff, kitchen, bathroom and floors?

Then split everything up into tasks that need to be done. Washing you only need to do yours you may as well include your bedding in that. But no reason he couldn’t put back clean bedding on to the bed as part of his task list.

Then he knows exactly what he has to do on a weekly basis. Treat it as if you’re almost teaching a toddler what to do and how it needs to be done. Then you have to leave him to do it and if it’s not done in your timeframe then that’s up to him to sort out.

Things like cooking, have said nights of the week where you each cook, if on his night he does a ready meal then that’s okay.

But you do need to be prepared to compromise a bit. If he is excellent in other areas and this is the only downfall then I wouldn’t worry about it however if he’s awkward in other areas too perhaps you need to think about the long-term value of the relationship.

He is going to use the ring issue as a stick to beat you with forever more.

Yeah and it looks like he's not even thought about it - just picked random tasks because 'she asked me to clean'.
Laundry piling up and a messy/dirty kitchen are far more important than hoovering - surely that's common sense.
Cleaning the bathroom... well if you clean your poo streaks and tidy up after you shave etc how vile can it be that cleaning is a bigger priority than the kitchen?

We have a cleaner. We have to tidy up before they come, otherwise they'll spend most of their time doing that, and not actually cleaning....

He's trying to manipulate you
Turning it all on to you again

I think this relationship is not a good one and you should call it quits tbh.

While I understand you were tired and disappointed. It does sound like you over-reacted and yes I would struggle to get past the breaking off of an engagement because the laundry wasn’t done. From his perspective it is likely that he doesn’t believe you are all in if you let that cause a break off of the engagement - even in anger/tiredness/frustration. It also hurts as he sees how you see his value. What is to stop it happening again?

Why don't you sit down and have a conversation with him?

Explain that, whilst it was wrong of you to throw the ring, it's obvious that you have relationship issues which would make marriage a bad choice, so the sentiment was real.

You don't want to have to teach the man you're with to be a partner/grown up. You shouldn't have to give him a list of housework jobs that need doing, or show him how to clean a toilet 🙄 if he really doesn't know, tell him to do some research on You Tube.

He needs to step up and prove that he's a man worth marrying, who will be an equal partner to you and once he's done that, he can consider if he wants to propose again and you can consider if he's really the type of man that's worth marrying.

Why are you more worried about giving him his ring back than how shit he is at housework?

That's the biggest issue here. He's just using your guilt to beat you with instead of addressing the issue that he's shit at housework.