Threw my engagement ring at my partner in anger

[Louise0923]

I’ve traveled all over the country on very little sleep this week for work. My fiancé has also had a hard week. I finally came back today after another long drive and we ended up having a huge argument over the cleaning (an argument we do tend to repeat). I flipped over a statement he knows I find quite triggering which is ‘well I won’t bother cleaning at all in the future’ to me getting annoyed over his half attempt at cleaning.

I find that kind of statement originates from his mindset of ‘I’m doing you a favour’. We are working through our cleaning argument repetitive cycle, and it absolutely isn’t a make or break.

However, me with little sleep is a very anxious person and my brain went into fight or flight mode much easier than usual. I tried some techniques I have and to diffuse our argument but because he was also tired he was fueling the argument.

It ended with me taking off my engagement ring and saying I couldn’t do this argument anymore and giving it back to him.

Although in that moment I felt like that, I really meant ‘I can’t do any of the stressful stuff in my life’ and he just got the brunt of it.

He’s extremely hurt and I’m not sure how we can get past this. I apologised within about 20 minutes of calming down but I know the magnitude and immaturity of the action has caused him a lot of pain.

Is it over? Do people get past this type of thing? Can I make it up to him?

I have seen more than one thread where a man uses the prospect of engagement or not to try to make a woman do what he wants and he is always the arse on Mumsnet or he just doesn’t want to get married (and I would agree with that too). Yet so many have completely ignored what you have done here and to be honest I think you calmly handing the ring back is worse than throwing it back, at least you could say it was done in anger in that case.

How would you like it if he demanded the ring back every time you did something that he felt was below his expected standard? I think handing ring back / demanding ring back is not something that should be done unless it really is a deal breaker and is meant, not over day to day disagreements. Otherwise the other person is going to spend their life on eggshells.

That’s below the belt in all honesty and you were wrong to do that.

superficial cleaning still with hairs around the sink where he’d shaved, no laundry done and the kitchen a mess

None of this is worthy of an argument. You haven't come back to a total festering bombsite, you've come back to a messy kitchen. Laundry is my job and I've often let it slide for a week. And if my partner came home from a week away and started inspecting the bathroom sink for not being pristine, I'd be furious with him. That's just petty nitpicking.

Also DP and I have very different standards when it comes to housekeeping but we've never had a full-blown row over it. That suggests your incompatibility runs deeper than housekeeping but that you don't communicate well with each other generally.

I don't really know how you get past the ring thing - essentially you broke up with him, and that's not really something anyone should get past - but I don't think it'd be that awful if you did separate, because there does seem to be this underlying incompatibility.

I think you've overreacted in all honesty. Throwing the engagement ring back in his face (metaphorically) over cleaning not done to your standards is a bit strong.

I can understand why he's upset. If my dh had broken off our engagement over my cleaning skills I'd have been devastated

So he’s a grown man who can’t clean up after himself and threatens to do even less if you dare speak about it. You don’t feel your needs are met and you’ve considered leaving multiple times and you’re not even married. It’s a repetitive argument and he refuses to change. So why are you arguing about it?
There’s no need to continue regular conflict over it if he won’t change and you won’t leave, it’s pointless negativity and arguments in your life.
He’s made his position clear. When you have children you’ll have them and him to clean up after. Because apparently he was expecting to marry his stay at home mother and that’s been a hard adjustment for him so far (I assume you have adjusted fine to working and doing housework though)
So you decide what you do with that information. You can find ways around it like a cleaner, or just accept you’ll do it. Personally I couldn’t get over someone assuming I’ll just do everything for them because they’ve opted out, but that’s just me. It’s laughable he’s now threatening you with something he apparently can’t get over, whilst offering no understanding or compromise on this.

I’m not sure why you’re the one making it up to him, you both seem like you’re in the wrong.

When my girlfriend did this to me, I took it back to the shop and got a refund the next day.

As PPs have suggested, if this is your only issue, then get a cleaner.

I hate, hate doing housework and cleaning. I also find it difficult due to my disabilities. So I have a cleaner and always have, through both marriages and divorces, life as a single mum and now just single me.

Well I think the answer is that his attitude towards cleaning is fundamental to a marriage.

Does he really expect you to commit your life to someone who shuns his basic responsibility and treats you as a domestic worker?

You both sound like children. Honestly if you've been together since young it's probably time to split up and move on.

You grow and change a huge amount in your 20's. It's rare to grow together.

Giving back an engagement ring is more than just a gesture, it’s rejection from somebody you intended to marry. That’s heavy shit.

I guess it’s down to him what he decides to do next but I’d be prepared for a negative response.

Good luck.

Well I think the answer is that his attitude towards cleaning is fundamental to a marriage

I always considered fidelity, trust , respected, kindness and love were the central tenets of marriage, I didn’t realise cleaning was up there with the big guns !.

It sounds like a very immature argument about cleaning - if you were both out so much with no children around how unclean can a house get? Just get a cleaner if neither of you want to do it.

giving back an engagement ring over such a minor argument however smacks of bigger issues here that only you will have insight to. If I was him I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

giving back engagement ring is effectively breaking off an engagement and the relationship may well and truly be over after that

but it does not mean you were wrong to do that - you kept having the same argument over and over again, about a non-negotiable chore that is cleaning. If he can't pull his weight in the most basic aspect of living life then he did actually deserve to have that ring thrown at him. He is not sufficiently mature or house trained to get married

Engagement rings should not be weaponised.

I think you're both knackered and should leave discussion and/or doing until you're both rested.

Doesn't sound like an LTB sitch.

Get a cleaner ?

The way I see this is not about cleaning but what you are feeling is that 'he doesn't care enough to make an effort about something that's so important to me - even on the day when I'm returning after a hard week'. No one wants to come home to a messy house. After a hard week you'd like to return to a calm (not show home style) and quiet house. And whoever has stayed home should be making an attempt to get the house into shape. Doesn't need to be perfect but can't be half hearted and sloppy either. At the very least you'd expect a heads up - I've been busy so the house isn't looking great; let's sort it out tomorrow and try to relax tonight.

I think what you are missing here is that element of care that you want to see - cleaning is the red herring,

Returning your ring says a lot about how you are truly feeling. I'd examine this more before running to patch up.

Cleaning up after one person really isn't that hard

He has made the step from not cleaning to cleaning badly its up to you if you wait for him to learn how to clean well

The engagement ring situation you can do nothing about you apologised yes? Up to him if he accepts it and moves on constantly holding it over your head "not knowing how he will get over it" is immature

Get a cleaner it has reduced the tension in our household a lot.

Taking the ring off is a massive statement and you have a lot of making up to do and work on your maturity before marriage.

I think the real question is:
Why are you so dramatic?

I wouldn't want him to get over it. Don't sign yourself up to a life with a man who can't even wipe his hair out of a sink.

My dh doesn’t clean, but he does put on a wash, do supermarket shopping, cook, garden, bins, so I never feel put upon, it’s a partnership.
Yougiving back the ring makes me think you do feel put upon and it’s not an equal partnership. He’s made an effort to change before and hasn’t much, will he ever? Do you want to put up with this forever? Don’t back down now, it was heat of the moment but you’d obviously reached a limit. To me it shows how strongly you feel about it.

Taking equal responsibility for housework/running the house falls under 'respect'.

Engagement rings should not be weaponised

This.

Returning an engagement ring is not something there should be any coming back from IMO.

It's not something you have in your arsenal for controlling situations or expressing anger.

I also think it's a subconscious realisation on your part that this isn't what you want for your future.

Oh and FWIW, just because your friends have chosen badly doesn't mean you should too.

My partner and I do equal housework. Him probably moreso because his work hours are shorter than mine (still FT but work longer hours). I never have to ask him to do anything unless it's a specific request. But day to day stuff he just does it because it needs doing.

Men are quite capable of doing housework and cleaning.

Well, honestly, doesn't sound like much you really can do. You've apologised and said you didn't mean it and you don't want to break up. Now it's his decision whether he accepts that and wants to be with you, or whether it's time to end things once and for all.

However, it sounds like you don't feel he is meeting your needs, giving you the support that you want, or making the effort you require. If you have expressed all of this to him calmly and he agreed to make more effort, but repeatedly lets you down, I think you need to accept this will always be the case. If you have kids, you'll be the one doing everything. Are you going to be okay with that? If you want to be with someone who supports you and does his fair share, then this isn't the guy.

I suspect that you really meant to end things and even though you're backing down now, that giving him the ring back was a moment of clarity when you realised this relationship is not what you want. So maybe instead of being desperate to get him back, take some time to work out what you do really want, and give him time to do the same.

Tell him you can't keep having the same old rows. Tell him to keep the ring for now and when he's ready to work as part as a team he can decide on whether he wants to give it back or not.

It shouldn't have took this to make him pay attention to your upset. It needs a proper chat. Don't tie yourself up in knotts trying to appease his hurt. He needs to work it out on his own.

Expecting your partner to do the vast majority of the housework simply because she is a woman isn't respectful, kind or loving

Threatening not to do housework again every time your partner is unhappy with how badly its done isn't respectful kind or loving

But then for that matter neither is giving an engagement ring back in an argument