Threw my engagement ring at my partner in anger

[Louise0923]

I’ve traveled all over the country on very little sleep this week for work. My fiancé has also had a hard week. I finally came back today after another long drive and we ended up having a huge argument over the cleaning (an argument we do tend to repeat). I flipped over a statement he knows I find quite triggering which is ‘well I won’t bother cleaning at all in the future’ to me getting annoyed over his half attempt at cleaning.

I find that kind of statement originates from his mindset of ‘I’m doing you a favour’. We are working through our cleaning argument repetitive cycle, and it absolutely isn’t a make or break.

However, me with little sleep is a very anxious person and my brain went into fight or flight mode much easier than usual. I tried some techniques I have and to diffuse our argument but because he was also tired he was fueling the argument.

It ended with me taking off my engagement ring and saying I couldn’t do this argument anymore and giving it back to him.

Although in that moment I felt like that, I really meant ‘I can’t do any of the stressful stuff in my life’ and he just got the brunt of it.

He’s extremely hurt and I’m not sure how we can get past this. I apologised within about 20 minutes of calming down but I know the magnitude and immaturity of the action has caused him a lot of pain.

Is it over? Do people get past this type of thing? Can I make it up to him?

And he's a lazy git who didn't care how the house looked after you'd had a busy week. That's not him being a good or kind man.

Honestly, this IS the biggest issue.

I’m never really clear why women figure out how to cook and clean and manage a house and spot chores that need to be done, but apparently men must be taught. By the woman. Who also has to figure out how to teach another adult how to be an adult in a non nagging, non aggressive, non over reacting, non emotional way that doesn’t rub him up the wrong way whilst she remains calm and caring if it takes him a while to learn.

regardless op, this clearly isn’t about cleaning, it’s about him ignoring what’s important to you, not thinking of you when you need to be supported, not listening to you, and expecting you to do all the boring stuff around the house, and threatening you with worse behaviour if you don’t just accept that.

You shouldn't have to do anymore.

Loko at the facts:

He's a sexist dinosaur when it comes to household chores.
He is well aware this is wrong (presumably) and that it isn't fair on you and upsets you.
He is 'working through' getting better at it. Why does he have to work through it? Why not just start pulling his weight?
After one too many times, you get angry and (not the best response) throw your engagement ring off.
You apologise within 20 minutes.

You've apologised, so you can do nothing more. It's up to him if he wants to accept your apology or not. (And if he doesn't accept it, then consider that he was very quick to find a reason to split up. Why isn't he taking responsibility for his own part in this? Why won't he accept your heartfelt apology?)

By the way - not all men are like him. I'm quite old and my DH and I have always shared the load 50/50. Of my friends and close female relataives, all a similar age, all share the load equally (in fact in 2 cases, the men do more if anything). It isn't something you have to put up with. Men are just as capable as women of doing housework, and seeing it needs doing. It's just that some (lazy or sexist or both) choose to let their OH take on more work than them.

You can only sit back now. Don't keep apologising. For a start, one apology is enough, and by keeping apologising you're diminishing your own reasonable anger at him. How often does he apologise repeatedly for being crap around the house?

I suspect he's either using this opportunity to get the upper hand (enjoying you being in the wrong), deflecting the real issue (him being lazy and sexist), training you never to complain about his poor efforts in the future, or he wanted out anyway and he's using this as the perfect excuse, as it will look like your fault.

I apologised within about 20 minutes of calming down but I know the magnitude and immaturity of the action has caused him a lot of pain.

Oh didums. Maybe he could do his half of the work then.

Hi all,

thank you for all your comments. Now I’ve had a think- I’m not sure I was overreacting. On a daily basis I do feel resentful for the amount of the jobs I do. I carry most of the cognitive burden, doing the shopping, bills and most of the chores. However, I’m constantly made to feel as though ‘I’m lucky’ from my parents and friends. He’s a kind man, who works hard (at work) and is loyal. I know the bar is not high on this but many men don’t meet that, and that’s anecdotal from a lot of women I’ve come across.

Ive stopped apologizing and told him to keep the ring until I see some real change (I doubt I will).

Get a cleaner.

Sound like the scales have fallen from your eyes, and you are looking at this kind man, and not seeing a life partner to share all of life with, but instead seeing someone who needs looking after

throw him back, and keep looking for an actual grown up to share all of the things life brings.

It seems to me that if you take a step back, this is probably not about the cleaning - it's about problem-solving in the relationship.

My feeling is that the snarky comment ‘well I won’t bother cleaning at all in the future’ represents a refusal and/or inability to engage in the kind of conflict resolution process that will be required many, many times during a lifetime of marriage.
I think that's what you need to think about - what will it be like to live with someone like that?

Why wouldnt you want it to be over? He clearly thinks housework is womens work. If you marry him he will be worse. If you have children you will be miserable.

It has improved over time. When we first got together he wouldn’t do anything and now he does, which is why my battle isn’t with the housework, it was more for context!
and have counselling to address why you wanted a project instead of a partner.

Personally I can see both sides. But from his side I think he’ll use the engagement ring as a stick to beat you with. I’d cut my losses personally.

I think maybe you were a bit over the top in giving the engagement ring back just over cleaning. However if it is just a small bit of your relationship not working you need to have a conversation. I can see why your fiance is struggling to get past it.

What you do now depends on whether you see a future with this man. If you do then you need to tell him you were tired and over reacted. If he can't get past it then there is not much you can do really.

If he has given up helping you now at this stage in what presumably are early days with no kids I am not sure whether he is marriage material. He was quite immature in saying he wouldn't bother cleaning but I guess it depends on whether you were overly critical.

Fuck me what poor boundaries and low standards you have. Shockingly bad advice

Her partner could do his bit and then this wouldn't be required.

Why is this the de facto response when blokes don't pull their weight when it comes to cleaning???

If he had kept the house clean while his girlfriend was away, they wouldn't have had the argument and they also wouldn't need a cleaner.

Yep.

Sometimes it just saves so much hassle and stress. There are a lot of things I do because I just can’t stand how badly OH would do them. He just doesn’t see things the way I do. Genuinely doesn’t notice and just doesn’t know hoe to do it properly. If I tell him what to do my blood pressure goes through the roof.
Some people , regardless of sex are useless at cleaning. My sister is. Her house is filthy. My sister in law was. It’s not always men who can’t clean.

However, I’m constantly made to feel as though ‘I’m lucky’ from my parents and friends.
They don't have to live with him and they only see the part he shows them. There's an old phrase that is particularly true in this case "nobody else knows what happens behind closed doors".

He’s a kind man,
He's not a kind man though, not to you, not when you look closely at his actions and words. Who would do his laundry or clean his kitchen if he was single - would he live in a disgusting slum, would he return to mummy or would he finally grow up? Even children can manage cleaning chores so why can't he as a fully functioning adult? Think hard on how you want your future to look, don't accept being dismissed and disrespected as your self esteem will eventually plummet.

Getting a cleaner is like sticking bandaid. Don't do it.

Cleaners clean once a week. They don't come everyday to fix issues of respect and mental load between couples.

Please fix the core issue of care and respect first. A cleaner can help after the basics are in place.

Good for you op. Of course your friends etc love him. They don't have to live with him. Only you and he know how you both are behind closed doors. You see all of him. They see 10%.

*@TwylaSands
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Fuck me what poor boundaries and low standards you have. Shockingly bad advice

Personally if I had been holding the fort at home and my husband came back from being away and started an argument I wouldn't be happy either so I can see it from both sides.

Not helping out with housework is part of a bigger problem.

Holding the fort?? What a big, brave man he was repelling all those marauders and dust bunnies for a week. He only had himself to look after, no children nor decrepit parents, and he still left it filthy for OP to come back to.

Ive stopped apologizing and told him to keep the ring until I see some real change (I doubt I will).
Give yourself a time limit, whether it's 3 months or longer, otherwise you will slowly drift along until you realise 5 years have disappeared and nothing has changed. Mark it on a calendar as Decision Day.

*@AutumnFroglets
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Holding the fort?? What a big, brave man he was repelling all those marauders and dust bunnies for a week. He only had himself to look after, no children nor decrepit parents, and he still left it filthy for OP to come back to. *

The OP said he had a hard week too in her first post so you don't know what else he had to deal with. Also a messy kitchen and superficially clean bathroom doesn't necessarily mean filthy.

Different people have different cleanliness standards. My definition of a mess would be different to my husbands. I generally keep on top of the general day to day cleaning. When he cleans he does it thoroughly but it takes so much longer. We both probably spend the same amount of time and have done over the 42 years we have been married but he will deep clean, empty cupboards and wipe them over whereas I tend to do what my mum would call a spit and polish but much more often than him. We each play to our strengths as many do within marriages. I do more housework and gardening. DH does more diy and general house maintenance. We both share cooking and shopping and laundry and looking after grandchildren.

Ultimately if you are incompatible maybe the engagement is best broken off or you will constantly be fighting about it. Depends on how important splitting housework is to you. Personally it wouldn't be a hill I would die on but everyone has their limits.

Never let go of the fact that he thinks by cleaning he is doing you a favour. That is who he is.

I would agree with this. Heaven help them if they have real problems like a disabled child, or financial woes or a health issue/redundancy.

A messy kitchen and no laundry done doesn't sound like something which can't be sorted out with a conversation. In this case though as they have been together a long time and there is a pattern maybe they would be better off apart.

Unless you want to have this argument about housework the rest of your life, settle this now. It might have been an overreaction for you to taking your engagement ring off, but so is expecting another adult to clean up after you. Adults clean up after themselves.

If he fundamentally sees cleaning his own home as 'womans work', which he does, as implied by his comment about 'helping' then I'd say you were right to give him the ring back.

He's not marriage material. He thinks your his mummy there to take care of him. That's not a partnership.

If you had kids with him, he'd see them as your job too. On top of maintaining the home.

You shouldn't have to 'nag' a grownup into doing their share in the home anyway but if it was just a difference in tidiness levels, you could get a cleaner.

This, isn't that.

I'm sure you do have friends with partners who are the same. Mysoginy is rife in society. As are feckless, lazy men. And women who tolerate them. Your friends aren't the best people to take a leaf out of a book from if they have low standards. They are a cautionary tale.