Threw my engagement ring at my partner in anger

[Louise0923]

I’ve traveled all over the country on very little sleep this week for work. My fiancé has also had a hard week. I finally came back today after another long drive and we ended up having a huge argument over the cleaning (an argument we do tend to repeat). I flipped over a statement he knows I find quite triggering which is ‘well I won’t bother cleaning at all in the future’ to me getting annoyed over his half attempt at cleaning.

I find that kind of statement originates from his mindset of ‘I’m doing you a favour’. We are working through our cleaning argument repetitive cycle, and it absolutely isn’t a make or break.

However, me with little sleep is a very anxious person and my brain went into fight or flight mode much easier than usual. I tried some techniques I have and to diffuse our argument but because he was also tired he was fueling the argument.

It ended with me taking off my engagement ring and saying I couldn’t do this argument anymore and giving it back to him.

Although in that moment I felt like that, I really meant ‘I can’t do any of the stressful stuff in my life’ and he just got the brunt of it.

He’s extremely hurt and I’m not sure how we can get past this. I apologised within about 20 minutes of calming down but I know the magnitude and immaturity of the action has caused him a lot of pain.

Is it over? Do people get past this type of thing? Can I make it up to him?

Chiming in with the "it won't improve" brigade.

However, I also want to point out I've been on the receiving end of this. My ex would do this about once every 6 months or so until, one day, I took him up on the offer. First time hurt like hell, then I became more and more desinsitised to this, would occasionally hide the bloody ring and tell him to find it (he used to literally throw it at me, though) and then, one day, I didn't care anymore.

If you do decide to stay together (and I wouldn't advise it), don't ever do that again unless you mean it for good.

I think he's making a fuss about your reaction OP so you don't push him on the cleaning front.

If leave it now and just let time pass. Over time if he really wants to marry you he'll ask you again. Hopefully it's a wake up call to prompt him to realise you want an equal partner not a child to clean up after. Don't keep apologising anymore. The ball is clearly in his court now. There is no rush to get married.

A messy kitchen and a less-than-pristine sink does not = "filthy". If my partner came back from a week away and started nitpicking over stray hairs in the bathroom sink I'd be pretty put off.

Obviously we don't know what "messy" means here but I'm assuming if it was actually dirty to the point of unhygienic OP would have said so. Messy just means not everything is put away. I'm unbothered about that.

It is possible to care too much about housework.

If the man had kicked off about his wife's cleaning and he thru wedding ring at his wife, how many posters here would say the exact opposite?

Its not a deal breaker.
Its an argument mostly due to exhaustion from work.
Dust will have settled tomorrow. Apologise and put incident behind you.

On a daily basis I do feel resentful for the amount of the jobs I do. I carry most of the cognitive burden, doing the shopping, bills and most of the chores

If a man arguments are always such bullshit. They only work if you only look at one very specific issue and ignore the fact the op frequently does the significant amount of everything. Poor man had to do some housework. He cannot help it that it wasnt done well. He wasnt built for it! Poor, poor man.

And how many women would blame it on their dad having been a SAHD and therefore them seeing it as a man's job to do the housework and that they, the woman,will just threaten to stop "helping" the man if they don't like the way it's done (badly)

It's all very well trying to turn it around but ignoring centuries of "womens work" doesn't exactly make for a convincing argument

Your messages have been so helpful. I’m not usually a reactive person- quite the opposite! Which is why it distressed me so much to have done something quite immature and in anger, the reason I reached out on here to see if I could resolve it.

Now I’ve got some feedback, I am now considering how this was a blow up from ‘one too many times’ and I thought I’d accepted his ways/progress with supporting the household but clearly I was just suppressing my actual feelings.

I think the burden on women is so normalized, I’m not sure my next move but like I said- ball is in his court in terms of stepping up and I’ll reflect and make sure I’m not being too pedantic about the house work etc!

It's not an isolated incident. The op is exhausted after having the same argument over and over: her p does not pull his weight with housework. She does more than her fair share. She is tired and fed up - unsurprisingly.

1. The OP and her fiance are not yet married so it was an engagement ring and you most definitely should go into a marriage with both eyes open knowing what to expect and how each person is going to pull their weight in the marriage and not leave the heavy lifting to either party.
2. If the husband in your scenario was the primary party doing all of what the OP says they are doing in the relationship, then I would still be of the opinion that getting a cleaner in once a week would be like a sticking plaster to the relationship and that the wife should definitely up their game and do more.
3. Apologise? For finding her fiance's stubble and hair in the bathroom sink, for the lack of cleaning that her fiance did while she wasn't there? Here, let me help you with the wording of that apology: Dear Fiance, I'm sorry that you left your hair and stubble in the bathroom sink for me to return to and I didn't realise that it was a welcome home gift. You are so thoughtful. After I had spent a lot of time travelling home to you, I didn't realise that the dirty dishes beside the sink was another sign of your affection for me, I'm so silly. The clothes on the bedroom floor (I'm guessing these were not clean and were in fact ones that you left in a trail for me to pick up and put in the laundry basket for you) must mean that you love me so so much. I can't wait to marry you. Does that about cover all the basis for you???
4. You quite rightly mentioned that it was probably due to exhaustion but please explain to me how and why someone who is exhausted from work and travelling should return home to more mess caused by the fiance and the fiance couldn't have left the bathroom clean and all dishes washed and put away except they couldn't be arsed or didn't respect the OP enough to do that?