Stories of stingiest first dates

[frtedsbed]

Just comparing experiences here at a friends ... jaw dropping stuff!

Mine asked me to transfer money for a coffee and cake after our first date which was a walk and feeding the ducks.
I thought we were going for lunch ... that was the original invite.
Another asked me to transfer money to r a takeaway having offered to pay for my child and I , as he stayed at mine every weekend. Both ended there and then !

That’s not my phraseology
red flag 🚩 is coercion,droning on about ex. Etc NOT a discussion about finances on the date

If it was the man saying that, I'd be put off because I'd think he thought there was some sort of unspoken expectation otherwise that I'd be paying for his tapas!

But I don't think a first date should be more than drinks anyway. You can always go on to dinner later if it's going well.

ETA: I can't help but find something gauche and unappealing about discussing payment before the date, however you try to slice it. You should be thinking about the person you're going to meet, not the money.

I think it is safe to say that epically crap behaviour with regards to dating etiquette/basic manners/stinginess are not confined to one sex. I imagine most people have been ghosted after a first date irrespective of how well you thought it went. Pretty much all my friends have complained about meeting people (men and women) who were clearly using out of date photos, people lying about their age, lying about their hobbies just to sound more interesting, making a bee line for the most expensive items /bottle of wine on the menu etc. I discovered early on when OLD that full on dinner dates as a first meeting was a terrible idea which is why I opted for the 'pre date' post work drinks and if that went well something a bit more formal.

Can people really not tolerate saying or hearing when we meet I’ll get my own bill? If not,why not

im not dating I have a partner whom I live with we have children, we have separate finances and pay our own respective share bills when we go out

This really isn’t about the tapas,that’s simply a made up conversation to introduce the I pay my own bill concept

if it makes it easier
let’s meet at x place, they do lovely menu. Just to let you know I’ll pay for my items.See you there
now that wasn’t so difficult was it

Well we have our own red flags and anyone discussing who’s paying for what before even meeting would be someone that’s not my kind of person. As the PP said it’s rather gauche.

I only ever go for daytime drinks and/or coffee as a first date anyway. So anyone wanting to talk about who’s buying coffee beforehand would indeed be a red flag.

Im happy to go alternate rounds and I’ll always offer but I’ll happily accept if they refuse and insist on picking up the tab but to have a pre date agreement - it’s just all a bit vulgar and transactional imo and I would think yuk

I find it weird for an established couple to pay separately for joint expenses?? I have my own bank account that I use for purchases/treats that specifically benefit me, I have a joint account with my partner that mortgage, bills, holidays, date night stuff comes out of.

Can you really not tolerate posters doing things differently to you, Zone2NorthLondon? You've levied an accusation of patronising to another poster but your posts are needling.

This board is filled with threads from posters who avoid conflict, however mild. I'm not avoidant of it but I wouldn't approach a first date in the way that you would.

It’s not meeting Prince Charming, it’s OLD . Of course discuss the practicalities such as time to meet, location,venue and payment preferences. It really isn’t a big deal nor will it detract significantly from thinking about your date. But, it prevents any presumptions and mos

Well, full disclosure: I've never online dated, I've been married for over ten years and have kids. So I may be totally out of touch. But yeah, anything that sets out, before you've even met, that you don't intend to treat the other person, that you're cementing ahead of time that you won't be... I just find that gauche. The focus is supposed to be on meeting the other person. We might have these thoughts but we shouldn't be voicing them before we've even met!

It’s not related to being established couple or not. It’s preference & habit
Joint monies, If that works and you’re both happy, crack on.
my preference is I pay from my monies, it works has done so for years

I hate dinner dates with a passion. I can’t think of much worse than sitting with a stranger and our flow of conversation being interrupted by food. It’s not a good way to get to really chat imo plus if it’s not a good date, you’re stuck.

i always go for an afternoon coffee/drinks and go on if it goes well or one drink and out if it doesn’t.

Out of interest why? Why would one have a thought or preference but not discuss or disclose it
Gauche arises from misunderstanding and presumptive expectation not cordial open conversation

No. It's gauche. It's as diplomatic as you can make it, but it's saying, "We haven't met yet but I want you to know I'm not going to spend money on you/I'm thinking about the money. I'm thinking about that, not the nice time I expect to have with you."

Sorry. Would put me off way more than him not buying the first drink. I can handle "Now we've met, I'm not interested any more" but I can't do "We haven't met but I'm thinking about the money, not your company."

Well we all have our own opinion and strategies. But I personally didn't want to waste my time texting for weeks . Also as @TheCadoganArms pointed out plenty of deception going on. Therefore I always suggested we meet up ASAP. This led to 3-4 dates a week, most of which I decided not to continue with.

Maybe you are more choosy so discount more people, or consider lots of texting part of the 'relationship'. Whatever works for you.

I completely agree with you though if meeting people the old-fashioned way, like in a bar or through friends. Or, if it's a friendship that turns into a relationship.

Approach a date however you’re comfortable to do so. Clearly we’d do so differently.
Needling? The thread is full of posters disagreeing with each other, are you going to select their posts too?or just mine?
i won’t be reviewing your posts to comment on your posting style, thank you for taking time to review mine though

I agree.

The behaviour he talks about doesn't even make sense, in terms of motivation.

And the vitriol he is displaying is completely out of proportion.

You’ve paraphrased and reframed a discussion about bill payment into a melodrama of manners that it simply isn’t. it isn’t gauche and it isn’t a preoccupation with finances and disinterested in the individual. You’ve chosen to frame it as that

clearly if it would have that impact and lead you to feeling you’d been subjected to an attack of the gauche then it’d be best to decline to attend at the point bill payment was raised

It has been a fair few years since I dated, but I hope I can give a pro-woman male perspective? From OLD, I have rarely had a woman expect a full posh dinner on the first date and I was not prepared to offer it. I would find it strange if a women would want a first date where she would be stuck with a man she had not met, so an informal thing was better. If it was a meal, it was likely to be a few dates along and that means already sexual. I certainly would not want to have a meal with a strange lady I was not comfortable nor interested in just because she was paying and I imagine that is even less so the other way.

The idea women are going on dates for free food seems fanciful and if they are that desperate for food I would not begrudge them it.

It might bother a few, but if they had a dog, walking the dog together was my go-to and frankly the most likely type of date to lead to a positive relationship.

Lots of women will prefer rich men. I preferred pretty women and we can justify and rationalise those if we like, but I do not think it is necessary. I could accept it when I was skint and could not afford the dates most women wanted, but then there were plenty of women I did not find attractive so there is no real difference.

Initially I made the mistake of swapping endless emails / texts only to find when you finally meet they are nothing like the persona you had built up in your head. I preferred an early phone chat, if someone can't hold a conversation on the phone it does not bode well for an actual meet and generally you can weed out the unsuitable people within a few minutes. After that actual dates for the most part were enjoyable even if you did not click romantically. Also, if you are proactive multiple dates in a short space of time was not unusual.

Exactly! Love the phone idea. Wonder why I never thought of it. Maybe because I don't like phone calls and worked in the city centre so just popping somewhere after work was very little effort, I could even leave my stuff in the office and get it later.

I suspect many on here have never done OLD. Either because there was no need (lucky ducks!) or they are not of its generation.

@Sweden99 I'm normally against 'man here' posts but it seems relevant to this thread. Agree with most of your points.

OLD is a numbers game, people don't HAVE to do it. There are still other ways like taking up a hobby, singles nights, what have you. No point in choosing the former and complaining about the flow.

Personally I'd only see date #3 in OLD as a real 'first date' compared to meeting someone IRL.

I have dated multiple times in one week. Years ago as a 30 year old on a scholarship, looking for the right person for serious dating leading to marriage. I put it alll out there in an advert in a free local newspaper. Received 88 responses, talked to 15, dated 12, married one.

First dates were a mixture of breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee because if a guy is interested he will make the second date before the first is over.

I started out with coffee and paid for myself because I didn’t want to feel obliged to continue or create a debt/credit relationship. Once I was seriously dating I turned down all others and my bf, now husband, took it in turns to pay or cook.

Its not awkward, to me, to pay for myself. However it is awkward to be with someone stingy who doesn’t offer to pay, or choose interesting things to do, or who is incapable of imagining hosting or treating. Because I didn’t want to be with someone charmless, dull, unimaginative, too focused on money, unable to host.

One of my dates with my lovely now husband of umpteen years was going to see Plan 9 From Outer Space the camp sci fi movie which was a cheap afternoon at a low rent bar with a small tv set up on the bar playing a cheap video of the film while we had s beer.

By the way my dh was the breadwinner for years until now when i started a new career and he retired. That worked for us because we love each other and the family we created so who did one kind of work and who did ghe other was not important.

If a man invited me for a date and before we had even met, was making mealy mouthed comments to let me know he won't be paying for me, damn straight I wouldn't accept! I admit I've surprised myself with how I feel about this, but I really do feel that way so I absolutely would swerve him. Better he goes for someone who doesn't have my visceral reaction!

I like men with a little bit of social/flirtatious grace and this would be so far off it. Meet up, have a drink and he doesn't pay says to me, "I was interested but now we've met up I know it's not a match." Might disappoint me if I liked him, but OK. Invite me out for a bloody coffee and before we even meet, he's trying to communicate that he doesn't want to pay? That says, "I am thinking more about the money than I am about the nice time I hope we will have together, and boy am I concerned about the cost of that latte." I don't blame him for thinking about it, but I'd find it so graceless and clodhopping to actually come out and say it.

And actually, the more I think about it, the more I dislike trying to hide it with "I'll pay for my own", because that just gives away that you know it's awkward and clumsy but you're so, so worried about that £3 latte over having time with me that you're still going to say it anyway!

Just as well I'm married, I guess. Sounds awful out there.

Thank you for the kind comment. I felt genuinely awkward posting but as many men had posted so much bitterness, I thought I might help balance.

I was very fortunate in dating, I can understand some men will get bitter. But in contrast, some men asked what they could learn.

And, I agree with "date #3 in OLD as a real 'first date' compared to meeting someone IRL" in principle.

And if a woman says it? If woman states she wants to pay own bill, is she a graceless clodhopper too?
Why is a man raising he wants to split bill a turn off, is he just supposed pay? Or expected to offer to pay?