Stories of stingiest first dates

[frtedsbed]

Just comparing experiences here at a friends ... jaw dropping stuff!

Mine asked me to transfer money for a coffee and cake after our first date which was a walk and feeding the ducks.
I thought we were going for lunch ... that was the original invite.
Another asked me to transfer money to r a takeaway having offered to pay for my child and I , as he stayed at mine every weekend. Both ended there and then !

It’s not a partnership of equals in many senses though is it?

this whole thing reminds me of that survey where they asked men what their biggest fear was going on a first date, and it was worrying the woman would be fat.

for women, it was being killed.

there are obviously many aspects of a relationship that should be equal. But heterosexual relationships have a polarity that is intrinsically linked to biological difference and to try and deny that is a fallacy, and ultimately it suits you better to do so.

I’d thank men like you for staying well clear - I’m presuming you’re a man. I don’t know why you’re posting on mumsnet.

This! I could not agree more with you.
Just one thing that shocked me when I relocated to the UK is the cost of childcare - by far the most expensive in Europe! Once you have kids here, you are fucked if you are married to a selfish, tight-fisted man (as I was). Average salary does not cover your childcare costs in London. With no grandparents around, and your other half not willing to subsidise your return to work, you are absolutely trapped. From there you are facing either putting up with the misery of his selfish ways or divorcing him and putting yourself (and the kids) through a huge amount of financial stress. In any case, you do not come out as a winner.
So, yes, it is not fair and it is never 50/50.
The biggest trick the (patriarchal) society pulled was persuading women that equality existed.

Yes I’m a man

i post on mumsnet as I’m a parent. A divorced dad sharing care of disabled children who found this site to be incredibly supportive as long a I kept my maleness to myself. I have learnt a lot from being here.

I post on a lot of subjects and my assumption is that I am broadly welcome to do so on a parenting site.

Forgive me, but I don't believe you're on Mumsnet complaining about shouting a Coke on a first date because you love equality and want to do 50% of all housework.

I do agree that you and Moonlight shouldn't date each other, though. Given how strongly many people feel about this first date drink, maybe it should remain a convention purely so that those who like it and those who don't can pair up with each other very quickly. It could be a standard question on dating profiles. One thing most people do seem to agree on is that it's very indicative of something that's important to them.

You’re not talking about parenting here though, you’ve invaded a predominantly female space and casting judgement on women for not wanting to split a bill 50:50 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes but most birds or animals go with a different mate each season, do you want that too?

I’m just astonished how many women think a man is there to keep them and isn’t worth dating unless they want to procreate. Whatever happened to feminism?

It’s a good point about it being indicative of something that’s important to both sides.

its clearly not about being bothered aboutbthe cost of a drink. It’s a principle about how the other person sees relationships. As I said, whether they aspire to be a partnership of equals or aspire to be provided for.

Happy to discuss whether men are allowed on mumsnet on one of the many threads debating that. It’s too much of a tangent for this one

Even more astonishing that they try to argue this in the name of feminism. Apparently it's our biological destiny to procreate and all of our choices have to flow from that.

Funny how so much of the whole "a man must provide and protect" narrative boils down to money and only money though. Very little mention of how a man on a first date has to impress me with his morals or kindness or ethics or intelligence. My standards for men are sky-high - they just don't have anything to do with his bank account.

Well said.
Thank you for voicing what I was thinking. Why do these people need to hijack a light hearted thread instead of starting their own?

My friends widowed MIL was pen pals with a man for 2 years. They met in person at a garden centre for a first face to face date of coffee and cake. When they went to the til the young woman asked if it was all together. He was at the front and said "Oh no she'll pay for herself". She married him. He was the meanest,nastiest bastard that ever lived.

He does the same on every thread he's on. I've never seen him on the Special Needs boards. Or on any parenting threads. Relationships and AIBU are where you'll find him, generally telling women at length the many ways they're wrong, especially about money. Guessing he got rinsed in the divorce. Shame.

I always went halves. I do not really remember anyone offering to pay. I always said when the bill came, we will split it. I had the money,

Did halves with dh when we were not living together and going out from the start. Once we moved in together we got a joint acc in to which he paid far far more and married soon after.

Dh not paying for first or later dates had no bearing on his generosity once we were committed.

I do not want my sons paying for dates in full, I’ve told them to ask for halves, whether they do it or not idk. Tbh it is my sons who I think are the catches, plus they have plenty of time to mull relationships over, women are on a clock after a certain point, they need to impress too, so what better than a woman with her own job actually paying for herself? Anything else is pretty much a woman you’d want to avoid. It’s like a friend that won’t pay their share, ppl don’t tolerate that.

Probably because you are paid three times her wage.

And you know this how?

Not going to get into a slanging match

name changes are a thing

Not me, but a friend who tried OLD for a while.
She arranged to meet a man in a town fairly local to them both, in a cafe for a mid morning coffee.
He turned up quite upset that he hadn't been able to find a free parking spot, so she told him of somewhere where he could do that, and he did. All fine.
Then he hummed and hawed about the price of the coffee so she said don't worry, it's my treat. Perhaps you can leave a tip. Again, all fine, except when they were about to go it was clear he wasn't going to leave a tip.
She was a bit put out by this but put a couple of quid down herself. (There had also previously been a debate about whether he could afford cake but again she said it was her treat. )
As she turned to leave she saw him pick up the coins for the tip and pocket them.
He couldn't understand why she didn't want to see him again.

Actually this has reminded me of a friend of mine too, jesus she drove us all demented, always the same "Oh I've to stop off at a bank machine" when we were just at the club or even worse INSIDE the bloody place, this was early/mid 2000s so no tapping (or at least not in the grotty clubs we used to go to) ALWAYS on her last tenner &/or had no cigs 🙄We're still friends & she has grown up & copped on but seriously 🙈

I agree with the last sentence but I also think that applies to men AND women

The thread is titled Stories of stingiest first dates. Blaming women that it has posts on men being stingy is hardly fair.
I would suggest that you could start another about generous partners, if you want people to show an appreciative side.

I wouldn’t ever expect a man to pay because it’s ’social convention’…. I’d always offer to pay my way and wouldn’t think any less of a man for accepting my half.

What a sexist silly thing to write. I outearn my husband as do many women.

I think it’s also likely incorrect in @Britpop123 ’s case going by his other posts on other threads.

I find it really weird when men invade women’s spaces and then get pissy at them.

I think the point is that many many posters have highlighted that some of the “stingy” behaviour being displayed isn’t that, and is only being called stingy as the posted believes men should pay and they should not

im not blaming anyone for any post, I’m one of many voices with the view that paying shouldn’t be solely on a man