Stories of stingiest first dates

[frtedsbed]

Just comparing experiences here at a friends ... jaw dropping stuff!

Mine asked me to transfer money for a coffee and cake after our first date which was a walk and feeding the ducks.
I thought we were going for lunch ... that was the original invite.
Another asked me to transfer money to r a takeaway having offered to pay for my child and I , as he stayed at mine every weekend. Both ended there and then !

@Everythinggreen It was in my experience common, in the 1990s at least, for South African visitors to assume that when they came to London they wouldn't be expected to pay for things because "oh you are earning pounds". This was not the first time I had heard that.

But this was usually from family (especially my in-laws from my first marriage, who would expect every aspect of their trip to London to be paid for by us because we had the magical pounds). Not from some random blind date!

My ex who I absolutely adored, I used to pay for everything, drinks, food, takeaways never once put his hand in his pocket ( I was a single mum he was childless and made more money than me)ran in to him a few weeks ago ‘do you want a quick coffee’ you guessed it I ended up paying. I’ve finally learnt that he’ll never change and I deserve better

And if he doesn’t want the job of fathering your children I guess dinner is on you 🤷‍♂️

Somehow I doubt they're queuing round the block.

But my point is that if you died your hair or wore makeup you might get more interest and/ or the ones currently interested might find you more visually pleasing (and men, as we know, are very visual). NOT saying that you should, far from it, just that some men are hypocrites when they expect women to pay 50/50 on the basis that women shouldn’t incur additional hair and makeup expenses for a date as that’s not benefitting them (the men).

Not wanting to get pregnant is not actually the same thing as not getting pregnant. A great many pregnancies occur where neither party particularly wanted them to.

Our point is there is an assymetrical burden on dealing with the consequences of conception. If you can't accept this you're arguing against reality not me.

I guess he won’t be taking me out at all if he has no intentions other than trying to get casual sex!

Interesting seeing the posts here rationalizing what is essentially greed by saying that they're extrapolating a man's attitude towards them or women in general from whether or not they're offering to pay for food/drinks on the first (or even on the second and third as well), when everybody knows that there is absolutely no correlation between the two.

I think it is horrific to know people with views such as yours exist.

Those men are much better off, personally.

As a female, I couldn't care less if a guy didn't fork out for a drink. I certainly wouldn't let it reflect in whether or not I wanted to 'procreate with him, as you put. If I liked him, I see that as the more important part.

So are you assuming the guy should pay for you on a first date? All dates?

It's many years since I was lonely-hearts ad dating but I'd happily go for a coffee first to see if I liked them. And I would probably go dutch on the first proper meal. But it's always been important to me that I could pay my way and not depend on a man for money.

I ended up in a strong partnership marriage, he's paid more than me because eventually, when we had kids, I went part time, but I've always known I could pay my way if I had to.

Are you all looking for a man to keep you in the style to which you'd like to become accustomed?

It’s not greed to use such information to make evaluations on the qualities of a potential future partner.

paying for a woman on a first date has the potential to impart a lot of useful information. Is he generous. Is he demonstrating he values me. Does he have an interest in keeping me safe (if he pays for travel or a taxi for instance). Is he responsible with money. Could he provide if I was unable to work or compromised due to having his children.

it’s not as simple as ‘greed’. Yes such qualities can be demonstrated in other ways but a man treating you on a nice, well thought through date, is a very easy and simple way of beginning to demonstrate the above.

I am sick of women (and men, because I can’t believe all of these posts are women) trying to shame other women simply for having standards when dating so they can establish whether a man has qualities that matter to her. I don’t care how many times I’m called entitled, or greedy or hard work, or a whole load of other misogynistic crap.

women are allowed to have boundaries and standards when dating and quite frankly a lot of women could do with raising the bar a bit.

There absolutely is correlation between the two, that's the point.

That's why I changed my view on it. It's true that there's no real theoretical reason why a man ought to pay for a woman's drink on the first date these days. But in practice I have found, from my experience and others, that resentment or reluctance to shout a symbolic 7 Up or small glass of wine was a sign that a man wasn't interested in taking things further. I took my cue from them. Greed is the least of it. If I were out to fleece a man, I'd want to do better than a symbolic glass of house red. We are talking about the first date here, not an established relationship.

Inevitably there are women who found a man who wouldn't buy them a drink when they first went out but is still the world's greatest husband and father; whatever. They work to their life experiences and I'll work to mine. This is the overwhelming message men have given me and those women I know: if they want to see you again for more than sex, they'll get you a Coke. If you don't like that, blame them!

@HandsomeGreige · Yesterday 18:53

As a woman, you will be extremely vulnerable if you choose to live a heterosexual life and procreate. Extremely. Whether you take the shortest maternity leave you can or maintain your career- you are carrying those babies and taking the hit. It’s inescapable.

You need to be looked after. You will need to be treasured and valued for the amazing uniquely female thing that you can do. You also should be wanting a father who demonstrates this generosity, kindness and grace to your children.

A man who is apparently seeking a long term relationship, who won’t buy you a glass of wine on your first date is not a kind, generous man.

Men who take women on ‘walk dates’ in 5 degree weather like dogs and won’t pick up a 2 drink bill need to be removed from the gene pool. Losers.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I have never been convinced of this argument before but, I am now. It's really not about a woman not being able to pay for a drink herself, it's about a woman being far-sighted enough to weed out the men who will ultimately not make good fathers.

That is actually pretty crucial. Having been the child of a man who did nothing for his family, I wish my mother would not have been so desperate to have children that she settled for him. I think many, many women are so driven to have children that they are oblivious to the very obvious and real signs.

Some men should absolutely NOT be allowed to procreate but still, some women pick them because, children.

Yep this. ^ The breathtaking amount of naivete from a small handful of NAMALTS on here who think 'some women must have just known some shit men,' and it's their 'own fault if they land themselves with a man like this,' could fill Wembley Stadium.

There are 100s of posters on here who back up 'many men treat women like servants' and 'don't have a second date with someone who CBA to pay for 2 coffees, as it's a bad sign he's a tightwad.' Yet the NotMyNigels still keep whittering on about how that is only YOUR experience NAMALT NALMALT NAMALT!!!! FFS!

Even if you have not experienced shitty tightwad lazy men yourself - and bully for you by the way - don't tell me and 100s/1000s of other women that this doesn't apply to many men. How rude to invalidate the many experiences of 1000s of other women, 'because NAMALT!!!' FFS!

Guy from work been chasing me for a date for a while, had a few coffees and though okay great , you book wherever you want to go.
First of all he couldn't find my house despite me dropping a pin on Google maps ( mine is the only house for a while as I live rurally.) Half hour after arranged time to meet he phones me saying he's lost. I drive to where he says he is and then back to mine to park my car up and change coat then as I'm lacing my sandals up he says he's had to pay for something on his car and he hasn't got any money and can we just sit at my house instead.
If I'd have known in good time I would have paid but the fact he had let me drive to the middle of nowhere to find him then fail to let me know that we wouldn't be going despite being dressed to the nines gave me the fucking ick. Worse still we have to work together to this day

Wow that's actually quite interesting that it was a common expectation. Was it expected that the South African host would pay if you visited them there?

Read my other posts. I clearly stated that I would be happy to pay for my own coffee. I am not interested in wandering around the streets with a guy who wants to see me first and chat to me before he spends 2.50 on a coffee. I have no interest in dating tightwads like that. To answer your question, no I can more than keep myself. I earn my own money.

This might explain somewhat what happened me lol!......

Now.....this is going back to 1991 when I was 22

I was living in London for two years in a house share with about 10 other people.

Met a rather gorgeous fella from South Africa one night at the Mean Fiddler pub who wanted to take me out for dinner

So we went out for indian the next evening, at his suggestion. First restaurant... waiter brought over the menus and when we were about to order, Mr Tightwad asks if rice is included in price. Lovely waiter explains that rice is extra. Tightwad exclaims that is BS, as it's included in price in South Africa, and flounces out. I have to flipping follow him like a puppy dog, dying of utter embarrassment!

We go to second Indian just around the corner......similar scenario....he asks if rice is included in price. Waiter says it's extra.....Tightwad exclaims to waiter that it's bullshit , but knows he just has to pay it. I am mortified

Anyway.... Lovely meal. When bill arrives he says to me 'oh I know how much you women are into women's lib over here, so you're share is £×'

I was furious at him trying to blame his stinginess on women's rights lol....but of course smiled and said that's fine (I would have been ok to pay half it was just his women's lib line that really annoyed me!)

Anyway...I continued to date him (i know i know lol) and a few weeks later it was my birthday. We were having a massive party at our house and he turned up late and exclaims 'hey ....really sorry I didn't have time to get you a present......but here's £5'....as he pulled a crumpled five pound note from his pocket lol. Not even a birthday card or rubbish bunch of flowers from local corner shop! I was furious

Anyway thankfully I found a modicum of self esteem and told him to stuff the fiver up his ass .....which in retrospect he was prob delighted about as it was more money for him lol

Also....he lived in a squat in West London, paid no rent or any bills, and earned really good money as a diesel mechanic. Used to come over to mine to watch TV, have a warm shower and do his washing lol

Yes....I was an utter idiot 😆

Thankfully I raised my standards and married the most wonderful man in the world ❤️

I know a few women like this who were more then happy to admit that they went on dates with blokes they did not really fancy in order to enjoy some fine dining. I could never get my head around the idea of spending an evening with someone who you have no interest in just to get a nice meal.

I think if a couple on a first date met via OLD then splitting the bill is the way. If person A invites person B out (the old fashioned way) then person A should pay.

I do find the mental acrobats by some on here to justify not opening their purse once on a date while labelling any bloke who offers to pay half the bill 'tight' a sight to behold.

The thing is, we all know, both from reading people's experiences on here and from knowing people like that IRL, how miserable it is to be with to someone who is so mean (and controlling) with money.
It's utterly soul destroying. I haven't experienced it first hand but have friends who have, and whose relationships have broken down because of it.
I think it's good to be on the alert for these traits early on in dating and someone who never pays, or makes a huge fuss about it, or calculates bills to the penny is telling you exactly who they are. So take heed, it's a useful guide to your future relationship. (Penniless students might be an exception. Only might be, though...)

For me it depends on who extends the invitation. Though to be fair I’ve been with my husband since I was 21 and think we might have split the bill on the first date (which was Pizza Hut!).

One of the reasons why women don't tend to be impressed by guys who want to take them out on dates but not spend any money (even though they have it) is that it suggests the man wishes to go on a lot of dates with a lot of women and isn't actually interested in you in particular.

Isn't that what dating is? "A numbers game" as we're always told? Most of my friends who have done it seriously (men and women) have dates lined up weeks in advance.

Of course he isn't interested in you in particular on the first date. He finds you attractive based on your picture and that is all. Because he doesn't know you! The first few dates are there for both of you to suss out if you can even stand the other person's company - not for one of you to prove he's besotted without even having had a conversation with the other.

Of course there is always the possibility (as with one man I dated) that their willingness to pay on first and perhaps second dates has nothing to do with how tight fisted they turn out to be in life and more to do with the fact that his mother has told him that the man should always pay on the first dates.

Mine took me out for a very posh dinner and insisted on paying (I negotiated to pay for drinks, in the end and he was reluctant to accept that). He was the tightest bloke I've ever met, turned out he bought all his clothes in the local 'cheap shop' including shoes, despite having money invested all over the place! But he'd heard that the 'gentleman always pays' on dates and took it to heart. Nothing to do with 'how he'd look after his woman' in the future, in fact he would always stand back in the supermarket and let me carry the heavy basket while he put his preferred expensive crisps in and then let me pay. But it wasn't a date so, according to him, it didn't count and he didn't have to pay.

Not odd at all. They're both selections, tests of compatibility, looking forward to a shared future & finding out if that's possible or desirable. The company is not always the one in a position of power, anyway - they may be desperate for a particular candidate or for anyone to fill a certain role urgently.

My point is that the date/interview is when you sell yourself to the other. If you don't bother doing that you can't complain if the other side doesn't want you. That's also what makes these stories funny: the unexpected happening, someone not doing what you think they will, people showing themselves to be weirdos, etc.

Anyway @StarlightLime , this isn't really working for me so why don't we just call it a day?

Fair enough- but there is quite a big difference for most people between a 1st date and deciding to start a family with someone,

How soulless and depressing. I wouldn’t agree to go on a date with a man if he wasn’t ’interested in me in particular’.

and he’d certainly have an inkling by the time the bill came so… 🤷🏻‍♀️