Stories of stingiest first dates

[frtedsbed]

Just comparing experiences here at a friends ... jaw dropping stuff!

Mine asked me to transfer money for a coffee and cake after our first date which was a walk and feeding the ducks.
I thought we were going for lunch ... that was the original invite.
Another asked me to transfer money to r a takeaway having offered to pay for my child and I , as he stayed at mine every weekend. Both ended there and then !

God some of these posts make me feel very grateful to be married and not in the dating pool! Although I think some people are just a bit like this, one of my best friends has been with their boyfriend for 5 years now but they are both SO tight and pedantic about money, to the point that when we go to the pub as couples, they take turns going to the bar for their “round” (fair enough obviously), but he drinks Carling £3.90 a pint and she drinks Strongbow Dark Fruits £4.20 a pint, he will come back to the table and ask her to literally send him the 30p difference as hers was more expensive. Equally when we went camping with them she went into the camp site shop and he’d asked her to buy him a packet of crisps, she immediately upon buying them asked him to send her the 70p 🥲 It clearly works for them as they’ve been together a long time but it does make all of us cringe!

For me, a man insisting he pays is a sign that he is old fashioned which likely means he's also old fashioned in other areas. That wouldn't work for me.

So I always insisted on 50/50 or paying for our own depending on what it was. Of course, as it went on then one paying one time and then the other next time was absolutely fine too.

But I wasn't at all interested in a man with values including that I need to be paid for, looked after etc simply because I'm a woman.

It’s something I’d appreciate as an act of generosity from someone who is demonstrating they value me and my time

But why shouldn't YOU be generous and demonstrate that you value HIM and HIS time? Why is he meant to be more grateful for your presence than you are for his?

If that's how you interpret it, fair enough. You'll be more likely to be compatible with the men who won't buy you your drink on the first date, and the ones who would are better off dating women who have no objection to it.

Edited for clarity.

I agree with this. I think really the best way to do it would be to have both people pay for SOMETHING on a first date, so one pays for the meal one pays for the drinks after, or one pays for the food and one pays for the activity if you do one.

You should both be appreciative of the others time & effort.

Not my date story but I used to live (flat mate) with a man who was very tight who was convinced all women were out to fleece men and thus he was alert to it and despite picking very cheap dates STILL tried to get them to pay (eg coffee, an ice cream). I happened to become friends with a woman who’d been on 2 dates with him and she said both times they met he was seated at he venue and she joined him then after a while she suggested getting drinks so offered him! She said she’d not actually thought much about it but on reflection it was right!

Honestly, this is my experience of middle class/professional British culture in London. So all the faux outrage on this thread at women expecting men to pay is a little perplexing. It’s very much the norm in at least some pockets of British society.

I average 1-2 dates a month with men in this group and the men always gladly pay.

Exactly.

I'm married now and we're very compatible. He's also an excellent father despite some pp's assuming that he wouldn't be simply because we paid for our own drinks on the first date!

StarlightLime - We are talking about low amounts, coffee and cake and a reasonably priced lunch. I seem to remember what happened with the lunch is that I offered not expecting him to agree to let me pay.

just asking as I'm not trying to suggest women are never unreasonable

a) did you ask her out to dinner or did she ask you out to dinner?
b) did you chose the restaurant or did she?

I must confess whilst I haven't dated in a long time I do tend to think that the etiquette is quite reasonably that if person a asks you to come for dinner with them and person a has chosen the restaurant then person a would be paying the bill unless otherwise discussed and previously agreed.

For example when we ask dSiL to join us for a meal we pay. I tend to feel that going out to a coffee shop where you both pay for whatever you have is a fairly reasonable first date. In general its worth bearing in mind that men are competing for access women for comitment.

One of the reasons why women don't tend to be impressed by guys who want to take them out on dates but not spend any money (even though they have it) is that it suggests the man wishes to go on a lot of dates with a lot of women and isn't actually interested in you in particular.

Because like it or not, women are the sexual selectors.

I mean, you do you, I don’t know why it infuriates people so much. But if a man can’t even buy me dinner on a first date he isn’t fathering my children.

that’s it.

I believe all early dates should be split. Then as time goes on and you're in a relationship longer, either take turns treating each other or splitting it. This is what me and my partner of 18 years do. He isn't tight at all but I insisted from tve get go, we go halves. He has treated me many times but so have I. Now we earntjr same too, so why should he pay all the time?

I would never expect someone to pay for me all the time.

But why shouldn't YOU be generous and demonstrate that you value HIM and HIS time? Why is he meant to be more grateful for your presence than you are for his?

I would suggest you look at the bigger picture. In heterosexual relationships the reality is even with the use of contraception there is a risk that one of the parties winds up pregnant. Courtship rituals (whilst they have quite naturally and correctly evolved) are an ongoing attempt by women to not get knocked up by a guy who doesn't give a shit about them and would leave them to starve homeless in the street if that happened (which before the welfare state was a genuine risk).

The risk of pregnancy is no where near equally shared unless you're in a committed relationship. Men could theoretically impregnate a dozen women a week for decades, women have by comparison very few eggs, and invest significantly more time and effort in producing a baby.

Uni times here.
First date was a quiche and for dessert an orange to share.

He worked part time on the boats in Dover ( during holidays ) he gave me a bracelet for my birthday and told me he’d found it on the floor of the toilets on the Dover to Calais boat.

The end.

He didn't expect me to pay no. I'd thought it would be split down the middle.

Blind date with a man who was visiting London from South Africa. Not poverty stricken, he was a private medical consultant in South Africa. I arranged a nice restaurant. He spent most of the meal moaning about his ex-wife (or maybe current not actually ex, I didn't pay much attention), and when the bill came he just pushed it over to me and said "you'll pay won't you, as you are earning in pounds?". I am sorry to say that I did, I was just so keen to get out.

There is something called contraception.

Maybe fathering your children isn’t something g he wants to do anyway? Not everyone wants children or he may already have children. This kind of implies you think all women are just brood mares. Many women don’t want children themselves.
A relationship is more than an exercise to find a sperm /egg donor.

Ah yes. That 100% fail safe…

not to mention hormonal contraception has horrific side effects for women.

honestly I swear this thread must be full of angry men.

There are two of you on a date? Or are you likening the interviewer to the man - in a position of power?
Odd viewpoint.

To take all mention of people's sex out of it...
If person A asks Person B out for coffee, drinks, a meal or whatever then I would think that A, as the person who has extended an invitation, should be prepared to pay on that occasion.
However I would expect Person B to offer to split the bill when it arrives, or, if a second date is clearly in the offing, say it will be their turn to pay on that second occasion.
Turn and turn about is fair.

So what does this theoretical man want from dating me then? I’m assuming sex will be part of it. In which case I’m still at risk of pregnancy. Even if that’s not what he wants.

it doesn’t imply that I think all women are ‘brood mates’ at all. Jesus. It means I’m thinking, is this man worthy enough for me to risk pregnancy for and all that entails? Risk my sexual health?

and if he can’t even buy me dinner, then no. He is not worth that risk.

I think what's changed a lot is OLD. Back when I was dating (looong time ago) it was pretty usual for interested bloke to say "Can I take you out to dinner?" and there was an expectation he would pay that time. TBH offering to split the bill would have been an insult/indication you didn't like him. I knew enough about these guys beforehand to know that paying for a meal would cause them no financial hardship whatever, if I thought it would I'd have suggested something else.

Having said this, I paid/split things on dates after the first ones and had a rule about alternating rounds of drinks, because I'm not/wasn't a leech and don't expect to be funded. Also, a very significant first date as poor students was fish and chips paid for by me. I married that one.

You definitely win the most random reason for someone not to pay 🤣🤣 was he paying in ZAR while he was here!

This shouldn’t be hard for you to understand

split bill while dating - fair
live together and pay in proportion - fair
maternity leave so working parent pays all - fair
equal downtime, hobbies etc - fair