Stories of stingiest first dates

[frtedsbed]

Just comparing experiences here at a friends ... jaw dropping stuff!

Mine asked me to transfer money for a coffee and cake after our first date which was a walk and feeding the ducks.
I thought we were going for lunch ... that was the original invite.
Another asked me to transfer money to r a takeaway having offered to pay for my child and I , as he stayed at mine every weekend. Both ended there and then !

You’ve clearly encountered some seriously sub standard men, @BrightHarvestMoon
That’s all. Your experience is by no means universal, thank Christ.

You've misread it. I'm not talking about the women. I'm talking about the incels with steam coming out of their ears at the idea that if they want to see a woman again, they should buy her a drink.

Call me old fashioned but when I was OLD in late 30s I ensured if someone met me for lunch that they footed the bill first if they asked me out. If not, then onto next one. I got some more dates based on this surprisingly.

Anyway over lockdown, was chatting and met up with someone I'd known when I was younger, not that well. He'd returned to UK from where he was living on a Spanish island. First date, I ended up paying for lunch/dinner for us at a local pub as he couldn't bring money out so he said, as he was staying at his parents house. Either at end of this date or the next he asked me for a few pounds so he could get a pint at his Weatherspoons, I said no. Next date I ended up paying - just drinks I think, could've been food. His only concession was to bring along a bottle of cider to drink in a park.

Funnily enough it didn't work out on my part.

I did a fair bit of online dating and it seems I was quite lucky because not once did a man NOT offer to pay. I didn’t usually accept - especially if I didn’t want to see them again because I wouldn’t want them out of pocket when I was never going to be able to repay the favour. If I did want to see them again I would let them pay if they insisted because figured if they didn’t like me back at least I got a free meal, and if they did I could pay the next time. One guy lived quite far away so we had made a deal pre-date that I would get the train to him (always go to them- it’s much easier to leave than ask them to!) and he would pay for dinner.

I did this, I just waited for them to pay and if we had another date of course it was Dutch.

In the mid 00s I think, when OLD was just getting to be a thing I had a date with a man and we went out for drinks then dinner in Shoreditch. We had some nice shots before dinner, he then said he was 'drunk on them' (I think they were mint ones, called Grasshoppers, we only had 2) and walked out leaving me to pay for the dinner we'd had and then apologised next day. I was wearing a designer leather jacket (Gucci I think?) and Tiffany jewellery all of which he commented on, but he was in finance in the city. I was quite staggered when he just left me to pay the bill!

What was your apparent affluence got to do with it?

I have never been convinced of this argument before but, I am now. It's really not about a woman not being able to pay for a drink herself, it's about a woman being far-sighted enough to weed out the men who will ultimately not make good fathers.

That is actually pretty crucial. Having been the child of a man who did nothing for his family, I wish my mother would not have been so desperate to have children that she settled for him. I think many, many women are so driven to have children that they are oblivious to the very obvious and real signs.

Some men should absolutely NOT be allowed to procreate but still, some women pick them because, children.

I've read absolute bollocks on this thread about botox and the like, it's really not about that and women who think that it is deserve what they end up with.

Peacocks and wild animals know the score. We should take a leaf out of their books.

My spidery senses are usually right... I met someone on old who I saw a few times, initial meet up was for a coffee and I think he did pay on that occasion.
Although not overly interested I agreed to meet him again, this time it was probably coffee and cake and I paid as he coincidentally needed the loo. When he returned I noticed he had an expectation that I had indeed paid the bill.
We met about three more times and I noticed the same pattern of going off to the toilet when it was time to pay the bill. One of those incidences was when he invited me to lunch and off he disappeared again leaving me to pay. When we got back to mine he was all over me like a rash, so free food and an expectatoin of sex. That was the final straw.
I also remember meeting someone where I got the first coffee and he would have happily sat there for hours without offering to buy the next one.

There's no correlation between men not covering the whole bill when they might be literally meeting several potential partners a week, on an ongoing basis, and being good father material? Absolutely none.
You get they're talking about first dates?
It's not a portent to what comes after.

And that thing about men preferring us natural etc is BS. They will always prefer beauty so if a woman looks better with makeup than without they would choose makeup

I don't wear make-up. I don't dye my greys. I get plenty of dates, often more than a first date. One did comment (on about date 3) that he thought I'd look good in lipstick. Maybe I would. Neither of us is going to find out though. (He was a prick in other ways, though quite good in bed until he stopped trying to impress me and cared only about his pleasure.)

I've had my fair share - more than my fair share - of dating skint guys (usually wannabe musicians) who expected me to pay for everything out of my not-exactly-giant salary. In fact, that was pretty much my entire 20s. I'm in my 40s now and back on the dating scene (well I'm not, I've been on precisely three dates and was catfished on one of them and decided OLD was not for me but STILL) and there's no way I'd date a guy who didn't pick up the bill for drinks/dinner on a first date, or at least offer (and mean it). I am quite capable of paying for myself and have never been stingy with money, but I'm too old to be supporting guys who haven't got the naus to support themselves. I'm looking for a partner to have fun with, and that's not someone whose idea of an exciting time is a walk in the rain or maybe a Nandos if we're pushing the boat out.

Why did you cover the bill four or five times before you called a halt, though?!

Exactly this 👏

A went in a date with a multi millionaire, went to a pub and he made me share a packet of crisps with him (didn’t offer to buy a extra packet) he then shoved most of them in his gob whilst talking business in his mobile phone 😬.

Because... (I wasn't in a high paying job at the time) he thought and said as much, that I had money... so I guess he thought I could afford to pay for him.

They only know the score if they are talking about women who want to be financially provided for once they have children and they either become SAHM's or go part time.

Like a pp said, it doesn't apply to women who continue with their careers, are the higher earners and the such like.

it's about a woman being far-sighted enough to weed out the men who will ultimately not make good fathers.

I'm in my 50s. This isn't a consideration for everyone.

I do take note of how they talk about children they already have and how they talk about their exes. I also care about whether they've got an established income and so on, but given I'm currently unemployed, I'm not really fighting on a level playing field on that point.

Why did he apologise the next day?

I have no idea, he said he was drunk at the time and had no excuse for why he'd walked out, asked for my bank details so he could pay his half (I did give him those) and then asked me for another date. Of course I said no but only after he'd transferred his money to me. But I was prepared to write it off.

It was very strange behaviour as to why he walked out as we didn't even have an argument or cross words. One minute we were eating, the next minute he just upped and walked off without another word! So I got the bill...

So he actually didn't expect you to pay? 🤔

I guess those women won't be bothered by an inexpensive, symbolic Coke then, so not having one won't put them off another date.

Like I said earlier, for me it wouldn't be about feeling entitled to his money. It's just a useful measure of his headspace and how he feels about me, because in my experience men are not resentful and reluctant to drop a couple of quid on a woman they really like and want to see again for more than just sex. But that's why first dates shouldn't be for anything costly.

The drink is symbolic.

Why do evolutionary psychology bores always think they've hit on a genius argument when they say "but in nature..."

I once spent a tedious evening (not a date thank fuck) talking to a man who was arguing that men should be given free rein to be unfaithful because in nature male animals just want to spread their seed. He seemed fixated on gorillas and their harems iirc.

It is very bizarre to me that I ever have to explain this to other adults but: we are not gorillas, we are not peacocks, we live in human society not the wild, and so none of those "natural rules" apply to us. And I wonder why, if "natural rules" are so important, you live in a man-made house rather than a mud den, and why you're on the internet at all?

That’s terrible. I’ve had some terrible dates in my time but one of my best was a picnic, he’d enlisted help and surprised me with it all setup, champagne, charcuterie and cheese, all from a local deli. I should have married that one really. Sighs

I think it is. I haven't done OLD but I think the same thing is true of companies & interviews: the interview is where you both put your best face on. While a company (or a prospective employee) might not live up to their promises, if they don't bother in the slightest during the interview, they're not going to be any good in the future. I've forgotten lots of interviews, but one that sticks in my mind is the company that was tightfisted during the interview & seemingly obsessed with not spending any money - they even offered me one salary & then lowered it in their offer letter. That was an easy no, & the same goes for dating.

meh - plenty of us manage it.

I think that splitting costs, equally or according to what you ate (depending on funds etc) is fine for the first couple of dates. Because otherwise, taken to its extreme, nobody should ever have anything until everyone can have the same (yes, i know, it is called reducto ad absurdeam for a reason)

There are conversations to be had - i wouldn't have them in the first few dates - about how you plan to split finances and workload should the relationship progress, but for the first few dates? I'm very fine with everyone paying for themselves.

I have a friend who had a date with a "buy one get one free" meal voucher type, and he took the free meal. When she refused a second date on the grounds that it would have been better to be upfront about what he was doing before the meal he got all defensive, called her a lezzer and said he'd tell all his mates not to date her.